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Post by punkdude85 on Jun 25, 2008 3:35:52 GMT -5
My bm and I have had the most horrible relationship ever. I left her becuase I was young and stupid. Afriad to be trapped with 1 women 4ever. When I realized what i was losing it all hit me like a speeding train. She has moved on got a boy friend who she claims to love a lot. She has even taken pictures with this clown holding my son on her myspace. I've written a lot of cruel things about her. Deep,sensitive and private things about her and I've posted them 4 every1 2 read. I've done so many things out of anger because I still love her after 3 years being apart. She has gotten restraining orders and has called the cops on me on several occasions but I still love her. When I have to see her when she picks up the baby I get sad and find myself drinking and getting f**ked to 4get her.we started 2 become civil a month ago but everytime she mentions her boyfriend I get upset and overreact. I'm so emotionaly charged up I've been drinking 4 two weeks straight. I hate how she makes me feel. I find it easier 2 hate her. The hate drives me 2 b a better person. I've never stoped caring about her in 3 years and I can't do it anymore. I simply have decided to turn it off like a light switch. She told me today she has a cist in her uteris and that her doctors believe it could be cancer. The old me would have been worried and nice to her to show her how much I still love her but instead I told her "I hope it is cancer, so it rots u from the insides, so it can match ur outsides ". I can't believe I said that but I don't care. I'm so scared that I've finally ruined things beyond repair and I don't give a f**k.....
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 25, 2008 5:14:43 GMT -5
Your child's mother is not killing you. You are killing yourself. And you actually DO care. You have stated it several times throughout your post. Nothing you have written makes your child's mother seem like a BM. You broke up with her and pushed her away. She has done what we girlfriends/wives/fiancees pray that our significant other's BM will do; she has moved on with her life. You on the otherhand are acting like a baby daddy (BD)instead of a father. There is a difference between a baby daddy and a father just like there is a difference between a baby mama and a mother. You need to resolve somethings within yourself because it sounds as though you have acted like a jerk. But the very fact that the child's mother still has ANYTHING to do with you means that she still sees some kind of good in you and are hopeful that you can EVENTUALLY be a positive force in your child's life. Right now it sounds as though you are drama filled and are thinking more of your needs and wants rather than what the child needs and requires. Your child needs to see his mother and father parenting together. He does not need to see or hear his father being verbally abusive to his mom. Children learn what they live...and live what they learn. What kind of life do you want for your child???
But I also recommend that you seek counseling to find out why you respond the way that you do. Are you living what you lived? Things must have gotten pretty serious if your child's mother felt the need to take out a restraining order against her BD. You need at minimum classes in anger management. You are not a child and can not continue to lash out in anger. You have to control your anger. When you learn to do this, you will find that you are an overall happier person. And, your child's mother will see a change in you.
You love your child's mother and there is NOTHING wrong with that. It is OKAY to love someone with all your heart. It sounds like you are hurting but you have brought the hurt upon yourself. And you are lashing out because of your pain. What you said to your child's mother is cruel, mean, and hateful. But there is still time for you to redeem yourself. But you need to move fast before your child's mother writes you off as a total lost cause. You need to call your child's mother and first apologize for EVERYTHING you have done and said to her. Then you need to buy some flowers and do some major butt kissing. Tell her how you feel (poor your heart out). If you can't say it well, then write it down and use what you have written as a guide when you are saying it to her. Then SHOW her that you can be the man that she and your child NEED you to be.
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Jun 25, 2008 17:38:11 GMT -5
GO HEAD TELL IT!!!!! As a BM who has been a target of BD drama. The best thing to do would be to cut it out promptly. Acting like an a*ss or a 2 yr old is not going to get anything accomplished. You definitely need counseling to sort out your feelings because if you don't it can and seems like it is causing you to make bad decisions. Those bad decisions can ultimately negatively impact your life, the baby's life and bM'S Life permanently. Go to counseling, go to church....you need JESUS.
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shes killing me reply
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Post by shes killing me reply on Jun 25, 2008 23:56:47 GMT -5
You r all right... I'm just so lonely without her she was my best friend and I threw it all away for booze, pregnant doges, and drugs.... I miss her so much. I'm living in hell. Ill never find anyone who will love me like she did. How I hate myself 4 everything I've done 2 her... I'm exhausted from this life I live. But why do I still love her??? Why can't I move on why was it so easy 4 her 2 find someone else. I'm just a lost cause. I'm not even a good father just the guy who watches her kid on the weekend..... I'm a loser.... its easier to drink myself to death then face the truth.... oh god help me give me courage!!!!!
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Post by sbimiss on Jun 26, 2008 9:03:19 GMT -5
I can understand everyone is different and everyone handles trials and tribulations in different ways....some better than others. What I can not fathom is the fact that you know you are doing something wrong. You know that you are on a destructive path. You have to have a stronger mindset. There has to come a point where you are sick and tired of your antics that you wake up with change on your mind. You know that she is finding happiness in her life. She is doing what she has to do for her child right? You should too! Life isn't always easy. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to and we shouldn't expect them to. That's just life. You have to maintain the best way possible and deal with your circumstances in the best way you know how. Even if you don't like the outcome at the moment, you should know that each day you live constructively is one more day closer to things working out for the best.
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Post by whenwillwomenlearn on Jun 27, 2008 6:49:53 GMT -5
You are young but dont wait. Get help before you do something that you will regret. There are many men in jail for life for not letting go of a woman who did not want them. You are heading down that path.
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Post by punkdude85 on Jul 11, 2008 1:52:52 GMT -5
I've realized that I am not without her. I can't stop lving her, I can't stop pretending its going to get better. I'm leaving, abandon my parental duties because I'm so unhappy and can't get my life 2gether. I need get away from her. Maybe one day I can come back and b the person I know I can be. I know she loves me still but she's afriad I'm the same person and will never change. I love her so much it hurts everyday I wake up unhappy I can't even look at myself in the mirror.. I drink because I'm so unhappy and I'm so tired of being unhappy. This life is going to kill me.
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Post by tellit on Jul 11, 2008 9:34:00 GMT -5
Do you realize that you post more about the BM than you do about your child?? It seems like there is a disconnect. You have forgotten your child in the grand scheme of things.
You a crying out for help but you need to seek help. It does no good to whine about how bad your life is if you aren't going to do anything to help yourself. You are WHINING and making EXCUSES. Get HELP! Do it for yourself...forget everything else. You won't be any good to ANYONE until you learn to love yourself.
You sound unstable. Your postings make me FEAR for your BM and your child. Seek help because you definitely have a problem. You need to be seen by a psychiatrist as soon as possible.
I am not trying to be mean but it does no good to coddle when a person needs serious help. Can you talk to your parents (mom and/or dad) or maybe even your siblings?
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Post by punkdude85 on Jul 11, 2008 12:47:57 GMT -5
I'm not crazy. I don't want to hurt my BM I don't want revenge. I just want things to go back to how they used 2 be. I just know that I'm never going 2 find someone as caring and loving as her. She's such a wonderful mother. I would never hurt her or my son. Instead I'm killing myself. I drink everyday from the minute I wake up till I pass out. I shake because my body needs booze. I drink because I'm so unhappy. Im tired of being so unhappy. I have to make a choice. And that's leaving becuase I can't be in the same town as her. I'm sick and tired of seeing her driving around with her boyfriend. I'm tired of people telling me about seeing her on the streets I'm so sick of people asking me aboout her.... jesus christ I need a drink!!!!!
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Post by gemmani on Jul 11, 2008 15:29:26 GMT -5
Uh uh, nope. Stop drinking. That's the first thing. Sign up for AA or some other support group. The drinking is self-destructive, no wonder you feel your life is falling apart. You must take control of your life again. Things WILL NOT WORK OUT FOR YOU until you get that drinking under control.
Once you are sober, think about your path in life. What do you do for a living? Do you have your education? Start with that. What do you like to do, what are your interests? Get a hobby. If you have a close friend, go out and have a "stress-free" day.
Basically, my point is that you should focus on YOU and the direction YOUR LIFE is headed. You spend your time worrying about her, and being miserable. Honestly, that is a choice you are making. You may not get her back. You have to accept this. What you can do, is making YOUR life as rich as possible. Be someone that your child can look up to.
P.S. You think you'll never find anyone like her??? Completely false. There are TONS of compatible females out there for you. But you have to move on first. You won't find someone if you are still stressing over your BM.
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Post by punkdude85 on Jul 11, 2008 17:51:05 GMT -5
I've tried everything I know to get over her. Maybe I just like being miserable. I don't know I just haven't felt alive in years I can't remember just being happy. I'm don't hooking up with very *friendly* personty girls. I'm over faling in love with party girls. All the good girls are taken and I can't seem to find some1 who just understands me. I don't want pity I just want release. I'm to much of a girl thingy 2 kill myself that's why I drink. Kill my self slowly I'm just rotting away. I use 2 be skinny, cleaned up well, smelled good, worked out. Now all I can seem 2 do is drink, smoke weed, and do snort coke. I'm not in denial I have a problem.... I just don't give a f**k to do anything about it. Whoever is reading this will never understand the love that my bm and I had. Our connection, she was my complete and utter everything and I got bored of her and threw her away. Now I'm left here ALONE with my vices. I just wish she knew how much pain is in my heart, I wish someone could tell her to give me another chance, to make her see how much she means to me. I'm killing myslef 4 u margot.... R U OUT THERE?  I'm sorry, I love you, I don't deserve u!!!!!!! I hate myself everyday 4 making u feel pain. |
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Post by rideordiechick on Jul 11, 2008 19:33:33 GMT -5
Grow some balls n stop crying U R IRRITATING.
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Post by gemmani on Jul 14, 2008 11:30:18 GMT -5
See a therapist. There's nothing we can say to you that will help. Not to mention, you keep whining about your problems and you say or do nothing to help yourself. I don't like helping "helpless" people.
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Post by punkdude85 on Jul 18, 2008 1:17:30 GMT -5
So I took my son to the beach in mexico with my whole family and I found myself thinking about my baby momma and getting depressed. Then I looked at my son and saw how much that boy loves me. He's always going 2 love me. I've cried 4 the last time. Just because I care and feel bad about what I put his mom through I'm the bad guy. I was young and afraid. There's so many men out there that don't give a f**k about what they did to there baby mamma, I'm one of the few who cares 2 much. I wanted 2 fix everything and show her how sorry I am and by doing that I pushed her away. f**k her f**k HER. I'm gonna do everything in my power 2 grow up and be a father. I'm gonna get cleaned up and get custody of my child. I need 2 move on because its killing me. Thank u all 4 showing me what I have 2 do. Feeling sorry 4 myslef and complaining isn't going 2 get me anywhere.
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Post by punkdude85 on Jul 18, 2008 2:03:41 GMT -5
One more thing I need help with. After 3 years of splitting up with my BM I still love her very much. Why do I still dream about her, Why do I still miss making love 2 her? How can I ever love some1 else if I still love her? Is it my guilt, I've been with many women but haven't found the one that makes my heart beat. I'm ready 2 move but don't how.
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I'm sorry, I love you, I don't deserve u!!!!!!! I hate myself everyday 4 making u feel pain.