|
|
Post by youknowwhatitis on Jun 29, 2008 19:21:09 GMT -5
There should be no respector of person's when it comes to the children. No person's children are better or more important than another person's children. They are all DH's children. It's only natural for her to care more about her child than yours and for you to care more about yours than hers. But their should never be divide between who can have what that is how hostility builds up. Teenagers are expensive but If you all can't afford to pay more you can't. But if you can even if it's just a little than you should. No woman is going to put anyone else's child in front of her own that's okay it's not selfish it's maternal instinct to protect your own. If all else fails let DH handle it. In the end it's his child and he will be the one who has to deal with how it all turns out as far as his relationship with that child.
|
|
|
|
Post by gemmani on Jun 30, 2008 11:11:03 GMT -5
I don't have kids yet, but Fiance and I are both excited to start. Asking a question like which kids are more important is like asking someone, which would you prefer, your right hand or left one?
ALL four kids (his 3 and our hypothetical one) would be taken care of. I love my STB stepkids and I don't want to see them go without. Really, my main issue with having a kid of our own is making sure our kid is close to his/her brother and sisters, b/c they are really close. (They are 6(f), 4(m), and 2(f).) I want my steps to be excited about a new baby. I want them to know that they are loved and the baby will love them too. I want them to know that the baby will look up to them and that their role is very important.
At the same time, I will not allow my child to go without for something their BM can handle on her own. She will not be getting any extras from us. When they are with us, I will do for them like my own. But I'm also aware that they have another household and extended family that they can fall back on. My child won't have 2 homes. So take Christams for example, if they are getting a lot from their family, of course they'll get from us, but nowhere near as much. We cannot afford to, after C.S. is paid.
The judge already told our BM that she cannot go for anymore $$. Well, she can put in an order for it, but it'd get shot down. It will either decrease or stay the same if we have a kid.
All the kids are important. Period. There's just some things that BM will have to do herself, especially after C.S. is paid without fail every week.
|
|
|
|
Post by tellit on Jun 30, 2008 13:30:47 GMT -5
I agree that the kids are equal. I never thought otherwise until the BM brought it up. When she made the snide comment, I was like "WHAT"??!! I have always done what I could for SD...I purchased xmas presents, birthdays, etc. with my OWN money for her. When I told BM that we had our own expenses, I was not saying that our kids were more important (times are difficult for everyone right now). She kept focusing on how difficult it was for her and felt as though my DH should help to offset her shortfall. My point was that things were TIGHT for all of us and we could not afford to. We had daycare (over $1000 per month for), mortgage, school loans, etc. We could not afford what she was asking for.
Prior to our conversation I never thought about who should come first to my DH (his prior children or his children with me).
|
|
|
|
Post by youknowwhatitis on Jun 30, 2008 15:53:58 GMT -5
I'm not saying let DH make the final decision I'm saying let him handle the fall out concerning it in the end it's his child and ultimately even though your SM it's his relationship with the child that is most important to the child. So what ever else happens surrounding the yes or the no.......that's on DH.
|
|
|
|
Post by youknowwhatitis on Jun 30, 2008 15:55:32 GMT -5
Also technically because he is with you your children will always come 1st it's not a matter or who should or shouldn't the children in the home always get the priority. Point Blank.
|
|
|
|
Post by gemmani on Jul 1, 2008 10:53:11 GMT -5
It seems as though tellit's BM contacts her directly. Whatever her DH says to the BM it seem like the BM then comes to tellit to appeal to her. Its hard to "let her DH handle it" when she's got the BM up in her face talking her nonsense. I understand where you are coming from with that youknow, keeping the drama at a minimum, but its very hard to do in a marriage where $$ belongs to both people in it. And since they are a team, the fallout comes to both of them. Even if her DH would try to shield tellit, BM would still spew her venom at her. Probably best if neither one of them say anything until it blows over. Haha, who am I kidding, it NEVER blows over.....
As for children and priorities, it probably depends on the situation. It would have to be decided based on necessity . But honestly, this is my point of view: when the kids are with us, I will do everything possible to care for them and make sure they have everything they NEED, and some of what they WANT. When they are with their mother, she's responsible for them. She gets more than enough child support from us, she can handle things herself when they are with her, or if she needs anything. There's not enough to go around with C.S. and caring for them at our own home to give her extra $$. But we won't give her anything else. We take care of our share of the responsibility when it comes to the skids. She has to do the rest, we are not here to take care of her or let her take advantage of us.
|
|
|
|
Post by youknowwhatitis on Jul 1, 2008 23:11:06 GMT -5
Very well said gemmani.
|
|
|
|
Post by youknowwhatitis on Jul 2, 2008 14:16:21 GMT -5
I meant to add this yesterday but I forgot......from my BM perspective:
First of all BM only said what she said about her daughter being there before your kids to piss you off....It worked. If she really needed money....which I suspect she doesn't just want's to cause some riff raff she would not have insulted your children by implying that they are beneath hers. On top of that you are not her daughter's dad she knows that....she also knows you ain't gonna agree with nothing that she says so it seems to me she's only talking to you to get inside your head and plant suggestions and mentally torture you. I suggest you stop speaking with her.....I read in a book conversation is the door to annihilation.......she just wants to stress you out and wear you down. There is absolutely no reason for her to be speaking to YOU when you haven't seen her child in six years. She enjoys irritating you and by continuing if you do to speak with her you are only opening up the door for more unecessary stress. The fact that she asked for more money knowing DH was deployed is suspect to me too......why not wait until he returns. She is definitely running game. So by letting Dh handle it: which by the ways means let him be the one to put her in her place while you too continue to discuss what you plan to do or not to do together and come to a mutual decision in my opinion as a BM would be the best option.
Also: psychologically it seems as if BM blames you for stealing DH. According to your post she was the causative factor in their break up. But her ego and self esteem is obviously so weak that she can't accept that SHE is at fault so she would rather blame you. Same as my BD and his family.
Just my opinion.
|
|
|
|
Post by gemmani on Jul 2, 2008 15:56:07 GMT -5
I think Youknowwhatitis is exactly right.
|
|
|
|
Post by gemmani on Jul 7, 2008 11:59:53 GMT -5
I understand what you mean by you leading the team with your DH. For some reason, its just easier for me to find the info for him. After I give him that initial boost, he's good at following through. But we always use my game plan so he confers with me regularly.
And yes, BMs will try and push your buttons, even though for the life of me I can't understand putting that much energy into someone I don't like. Yesterday (Sunday) BM calls his cell phone 5 times in a row, back to back. He finally picks up and she goes on and on about how she wants to speak to HER babies, and how a mommy always misses her babies.
Point 1- She's NEVER called to speak to them, unless its one of those times when she decides not to be available for drop-off and had him keep them for an extra week.
Point2- They were going to be dropped off in less than 2 hours.
So I think the whole point was to let herself be known to me and to mark her territory. Nice for her, I so didn't care. Not to mention that her territory overlaps with mine so whatever. When I want kids, I'll have my own. Even though I love them and they are great, the main reason I deal with them is b/c of their dad! I don't get my kicks by helping raise other people's kids. I don't see the need for competition, especially when its a one-person race.
It's nice to post here, a lot of you have the same mentality as me (as in, RATIONAL and SANE!)
|
|
|
|
Post by wowposter on Sept 9, 2008 10:11:22 GMT -5
|
|
