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Post by angelalynn on Jul 15, 2008 8:33:30 GMT -5
 I have been dating a man since before his daughter was born. This is his only child and he didn't think he could have any. He was never emotionally involved with the mother. She has been off and on saying that I have been calling her. She stopped after she "broke" us up-although we are still always together. It was the supposed phone calls and her persistance about them that broke us up. Not because he didn't believe me. She made such an issue about it saying these "calls" are hurting their child and their parental relationship. He wants to have a good relationship with her for his daughters sake so she plays on that....over dramatically. they had a cookout for friends and family for his daughters first birthday and blessing this past weekend. I arrived with his brother and roommate with gifts. He met the three of us and explained that she said I was not welcome and she would shut down the entire event if I stayed. Then, she said I had called her again the day before. By the end of that day she had told him I called her four times during the party. She has a history of this with her two other "baby daddy's". He is currently without transportation to see his daughter so he has to rely on her.... I cannot drive him because she doesn't want her daughter around other women. She is using her custody and transportation as control over him. He is trying so hard to get his life together for his daughter. Anyone else been through this or have any advice for me or him. Let me go ahead and say this.....I have NOT made these alleged phone calls. Please help!
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Post by gemmani on Jul 15, 2008 10:22:41 GMT -5
He has to get a visitation order ASAP. She cannot control who around when the baby is there. Once there is a court order, she has no say in the matter.
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Jul 15, 2008 11:38:37 GMT -5
He is not going to pursue visitation because he will lose control of the relationship with his daughter. You cannot build a relationship like it appears he wan'ts to have a few days a week. He probably won't get two weekends because she is under 5 years old. Is he paying child support? They may also be an option for her if he pursues it. In this case I don't think it's in his or the childs best interest if he pursues visitation.
BM feels as if he's disrespecting her and her child by bringing another woman around her and at her childs birthday party. If he broke up with you concerning it....you may want to rethink staying in the situation for your sake....but if you think he's worth it....be prepared to be put on the backburner for his child. BM is already against you and it WILL NOT CHANGE.
It doesn't matter if they are not together some people not just BM's are sensitive to their ex's or even's childs father's SO being in their presence and around them. It is her kid so she runs the show concerning her. He only has so many rights. If he want's to get his life together for his daughter it is obvious his daughter is very important to him which is GREAT. Tell him how you feel about it. You cannot control the BM......don't waste your time trying. Maybe you can learn to not care when and if your not invited to events. People are just funny when it comes to their kids. BM will never accept you and him trying to force her to is just as bad as him trying to force you to accept her ways and demands. Hopefully eventually when he gets a car he will get the child sometimes and you won't having to worry about it. Pray and ask God is this a situation YOU need to be in.
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Post by angelnmo on Jul 15, 2008 12:38:37 GMT -5
I have been confronted with a few scenarios like the one you described. When the BM has a birthday party or other important gathering for her baby, she would invite my fiance but not me. I try to put myself in other peoples shoes, so this is what I think.
The BM may feel disrespected when he brings you to her gatherings. She may feel like it is rubbing in her face the fact that he has moved on and found another woman. Out of respect for her feelings, I didn't try to show up. It is her house and her party, so she does have a right to determine who is on the guest list and who isnt. It was good enough for me that my fiance didn't want to attend without me by his side. I trusted him enough to go and enjoy the birthday party and be with his baby.
I know it may be hard, but it does seem like he wants to play a more active role in the child's life. So there may be times when he gets invited to his child's parties, and you wont' be. You might just have to trust him, be secure in your relationship with your man, and sit tight. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, and trust me, there will be far more important battles for you to contend with. I wouldn't waste my time on something as petty as not being invited to the BM's parties for her child.
Would you like the BM coming to your home when you throw parties for his child? It goes the same with the BM. She doesn't want you coming around either.
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Post by gemmani on Jul 15, 2008 15:00:55 GMT -5
That's why my fiance and I do our own thing, seperate from BM. There's no such thing as joint birthday parties, or buddying up to the other parent's family. Nope, they aren't together, and they families can see them on each parent's own time. I don't want her or her family at my house. He won't go to her house period. Plus he can't stand her, she still wants him back, so going over to her place suggests that he still wants her. NOPE. For their birthdays, we give them presents, have a cake, and take them to do whatever activity they want. IDK what BM does for them. Don't care, not our business. It will be interesting though, when the skids birthday falls on the weekend, when we have them, what she'd try to do. Oh well, cross that bridge when we get there.
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Post by tellit on Jul 15, 2008 15:47:48 GMT -5
I agree with angelnmo and germanni. The BM does feel disrespected by you showing up at the birthday party and the blessing. I am a FIRM believer that such events are for FAMILY and FRIENDS and given your history with the BM, you are not classified as either.
My DH went to his daughter's first birthday party BY HIMSELF. I stayed home and trusted him to celebrate his daughters first birthday. It was a special event in THEIR lives (DH, BM, & SD). I did not try to push myself upon the BM. DH was soooo uncomfortable that he never attended another celebration with the BM. Instead, he & I had our own celebration for her.
And...BM was not welcome to show up at OUR home just because we had a birthday party for her daughter. When SD got baptized, BM invited ME and my DH to attend. I went ONLY because I was invited by BM...and that was uncomfortable even though it was at her former church.
Be honest with yourself. You knew that if you showed up at those events it would cause drama. You are fully aware of your history with her. Don't place all of the blame on the BM. Your boyfriend has to man up...He doesn't have to rely upon BM to visit with his child. He could take public transportation or even take a taxi. DH did not have a car at one point before we married. He used to catch a bus to the BM's house...pickup his child (she was about 6 months old), take her back to his house, and then catch the bus back to BM's house to return the child. If it was raining, I drove him and parked in the back of her apartment building. He would walk the baby to her house and come back. She never knew one way or another how he got to her house. I don't think that she cared as long as he returned her child home safely. You and your friend have to learn to think out of the box.
But, stop trying to push yourself on the BM. Even if she is lying on you, you give her ammunition by doing things that you know will only antagonize her. KWIM?
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Post by angelalynn on Jul 18, 2008 14:58:08 GMT -5
Thank you for all the suggestions. Just want to clarify that the BM lives at about a 30 minute drive and we do not have buses. Taking a cab takes away from his funds for getting his transportation going. Also, he did invite me to this event and he initially said he didn't care how she reacted, she would have to get over it. Guess he didn't expect her to go so overboard like she did. Two days ago she called him and apologized about overreacting and that she should have let me be there. She of course did not fess up to lying about the phone calls. Guess she wants to get back in his good graces now that she already had her control over a special event (a first birthday and blessing).
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Post by angelalynn on Jul 18, 2008 15:00:03 GMT -5
also, i am a friend...the best relationships are close friends
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Post by wowposter on Sept 9, 2008 10:12:05 GMT -5
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I have been dating a man since before his daughter was born. This is his only child and he didn't think he could have any. He was never emotionally involved with the mother. She has been off and on saying that I have been calling her. She stopped after she "broke" us up-although we are still always together. It was the supposed phone calls and her persistance about them that broke us up. Not because he didn't believe me. She made such an issue about it saying these "calls" are hurting their child and their parental relationship. He wants to have a good relationship with her for his daughters sake so she plays on that....over dramatically. they had a cookout for friends and family for his daughters first birthday and blessing this past weekend. I arrived with his brother and roommate with gifts. He met the three of us and explained that she said I was not welcome and she would shut down the entire event if I stayed. Then, she said I had called her again the day before. By the end of that day she had told him I called her four times during the party. She has a history of this with her two other "baby daddy's". He is currently without transportation to see his daughter so he has to rely on her.... I cannot drive him because she doesn't want her daughter around other women. She is using her custody and transportation as control over him. He is trying so hard to get his life together for his daughter. Anyone else been through this or have any advice for me or him. Let me go ahead and say this.....I have NOT made these alleged phone calls. Please help!