Mistaking friendship for love

[angelnmo]

I'm not sure what me and my fiance are doing wrong.

When I found out that my boyfriend had cheated on me and gotten another woman pregnant, I stepped back and gave him every chance to be with her and make the family work. He didn't want to be with her. After alot of soul searching and prayer, I let go of the hurt and anger and forgave him and her.

I have always encourage my fiance to have an active role in his baby's life. I always encourage him to respect her as the mother of their child, and have never tried to come between him and his baby.

Recently, I encouraged him to go on an outing with his baby and the mother. I trust him completely and we thought him spending some time with the baby and mother would be good.

Of course she went nuts! She assumed that just because he wanted them to spend time with the baby together, that he wanted to get back with her and marry her! WHAT!! Where did this come from.

Then she got mad when he told her that he had an obligation to try and co-parent with her and that he did not have romantic feelings for her. Mind you, it has been almost 3 years now and she still is apparently trying to get him back. She told him that she wanted all or nothing. If he wouldn't get back together with her, then he couldn't have the privilege of "playing family" with them. That it was a package deal. Either he commit to her and the baby, or he couldnt have anything to do with them.

I am at wits end. I have done everything possible to be understanding about her situation, but it seems that any time my fiance is cordial or polite to her, she thinks that he wants to get back with her.

I don't want to come between him and his relationship with the baby, but I think I would be a fool to encourage him to hang out with a woman who is still infatuated with him.

How do I remain supportive of my fiance without shooting myself in the foot? How should we treat the BM when she takes niceness for love? When he is polite to her and answers her phone calls, she thinks that he is coming around and wants to rekindle their relationship.

I know that she still wants him, because he lets me listen in on their phone calls and I heard her ask him if they could be f**k buddies again (booty buddies).

[tellit]

"Recently, I encouraged him to go on an outing with his baby and the mother. I trust him completely and we thought him spending some time with the baby and mother would be good.

Then she got mad when he told her that he had an obligation to try and co-parent with her and that he did not have romantic feelings for her. Mind you, it has been almost 3 years now and she still is apparently trying to get him back. She told him that she wanted all or nothing. If he wouldn't get back together with her, then he couldn't have the privilege of "playing family" with them. That it was a package deal. Either he commit to her and the baby, or he couldnt have anything to do with them."

Angel...girl, girl, girl...You should support your fiance with spending time with his child, not the child's mother. What is the purpose of the mom and dad spending time together with the child? He has an obligation to co-parent with the mother, but they don't have to do so "together." The mom still has feelings for him and is looking for any opening. You gave her one. There are many ways they can parent together but apart. Here is a website: www.parenthood.com/article-topics/article-topics.php?Article_ID=10927

When my DH began working at a local Mall when we first married, his BM started showing up at his job (after she found out where he worked). She did so under the the pretence of taking the child to visit her dad (but he was working). She started to show up very often because she lived about 10 mins from his job. She wanted them to spend time together with the child (co-parenting taken to the EXTREME). My DH & I would make arrangements to meet for lunch and when I showed up for lunch, the BM was coming into the Mall too. My DH had to tell her that he was working and she could not come to his job. She got mad about that (well pissed). My DH got another job and from that point on, he never shared with her where he worked. She was kind of stalkerish.

[gemmani]

Kudos to you for being understanding, but don't roll out the red carpet for this chick to walk up and try to go for your man again! Is there a legal court order regarding visitation? Please get one fast, otherwise it allows the BM to use the child as a pawn to get your fiance back. Take that power away from her.
Now, STOP ENCOURAGING FAMILY TIME WITH BM!!!!!!!!!
They are NOT together, and they should NOT be playing family. Both BM and the child get confused. The child must get used to the fact that Mom and Dad aren't together and it will lead BM into thinking BD wants her back. Co-parenting doesn't mean doing it side-by-side. It means the parents aren't together, but do what they have to for the kids ONE THEIR OWN.
Please stop the madness!!!!

[jaylady999]

I remember going through a period where my DH and his BM felt the need to spend the kids birthdays together. It went on for maybe the first two years of our relationship, I couldnt stand that mess, but I let it go a little mainly because the children were smaller then, plus we had only been together, 1 then 2 years. So I didnt come in making any demands, esp since he and I were still in the "getting to know one another phase", but once we solidified our relationship, moved in together, etc., it was time to cut that mess out! Now they do exactly what they should be, kids get two birthday celebrations, one with us and one with their mother, or really just with us. LOL. Bottom line, no they do not have to do the family thing in order to actively be parents.

[angelnmo]

Reading everyones' responses, I understand your point. It doesn't matter anyway. My fiance said no way will he spend any time with the BM in order to spend time with his child. She gave him an ultimatum. All or nothing. Either he commit fully to her and the baby or he could have no time at all. He told her it will have to be nothing then, until he could a get court ordered visitations.

Of course she got pissed and said I was influencing him and trying to come between him and his child. Little does she know, I actually encouraged my fiance to spend time with her and the baby (what was I thinking)!! Good thing he had enough sense not to do it. But he did appreciate the gesture and loves me even more because he sees that I trust him and want whats best for his child. He can see that I am the total opposite of his BM. Trusting, forgiving, loving, sincere, strong, and confident.

So I guess something good came of this situation after all.

[youknowwhatitis]

She may not even want this man....just doesn't want to lose him to another woman. Some women are just jealous and petty. Me a BM if my situation was different I wouldn't mind me and BD talking the child somewhere together. That way the child gets to spend time with both parents together. I never really got that growing up. But I wouldn't mistake it for were getting back together because I don't want him. She's obviously just pissed b/c she thought the baby would break you all up and it didn't. PLAN FAILED.

However, he should not let her take control of the situation like he's doing because once she does he'll never get some control back. Two weekends a month are not a lot. He does need to look at his obligation to the baby. If she won't let him....then he's done all he could do until he get's visitation. If she isn't already pursuing CS she is going to.

I remember back when baby was 2 wks old and BD told me he was going to take me to court. I guess he thought the court was going to even up the playing field or something. If he took me to court for visitation I was not only going to pursue CS but his court ordered time would be all he would get for the rest of his life. Sound vindictive not really....see the point was let's work thingss out like mature adults. Not children who need to run to a teacher to solve the problem for us. This is our child we'll call the shot's collectively not the court. That court system is nothing nice and it's best to keep your child out of it if possible.

But BD like your BM is immature and petty. She needs counseling....I feel sorry for her. It is a bit much to swallow and she obviously not taking it well.

She needs help understanding and accepting she got a raw deal:
A guy she liked cheated with her on his gf got her pregnant. Put her through 9 months of doctor visits plus labor and doesn't want to be anything to her but a friend. He's decided he want's to stay with his gf. Which leaves her a single mom with minimal access to dad because he has a girlfriend through which he needs to run everything by who can periodically interfere in your relationship with the dad on behalf of the child. For her it's easier just to shut him completely out. It's very hard psychologically and emotionally to be in those type of shoes. That's why you have so many crazy BM's. I've never been in that situation but I know it would have to be difficult.

You are expecting way too much out of this woman she is only human. Just both of you leave her alone and give her some space. If she thinks clearly she can emerge out of this stronger and smarter and move on with her life and still have the life of her dreams.

[angelnmo]

So for the time being, in your opinion, you would give her some breathing space. Some time alone to come to terms with her situation and decide on how to proceed with her life.

I understand her position and am sympathetic. If it were me, initially, I probably would have reacted the same way.

The problem is, she knew about me but I didn't know about her. She took a gamble getting pregnant, thinking it would break us up and pull him into her arms. She lost. Now I guess it is a hard pill to swallow knowing that you made your own bed, now you have to lie in it.

The problem is, it has been 3 years, and to her it is still like day one. We tried giving her space, but she took it as him being a dead beat. He sincerely apologized for having done her wrong and told her that she was a great mother and respected that. She took it as him coming on to her and wanting to get back together.

Throughout it all, I have stood in the background and been supportive to my fiance and his efforts with her and the baby. I have not become involved at this moment, because I know if I were her, I wouldn't want some strange woman coddling all over my baby.

She has lied on me saying that I call her and make harrassing phone calls. Luckily, every time I supposedly did this, I was sitting right next to my fiance. So he knows without a doubt that she is lying. She has threatened to commit suicide, did drivebys around my home, called my relatives, etc.

We are confused and don't know what to do. He sends checks to her every month for the baby (noting child support on the check), buys clothes and offers to care for the baby in order to give her a break for a little bit. She is well educated and has a good job, but it seems that she is emotionally unstable.

He doesn't want to seek visitation and child support because he doesn't want the baby to become a ward of the state. Both of them would rather have the only say in the raising of the child.

For the most part, money and visitation isn't a problem. It's the constant texts and phone calls throughout the day and always trying stuff to get him back is the problem. And when he doesn't answer the phone calls, she calls the brothers, dad, sister, cousins etc. and raises hell. Then she'll pop by the neighborhood or his house and make huge scenes. She has even broken into the house and attacked him one night. We filed a report with the police by the way and save all the phone records showing her calling the house 20 times in a row (literally)!

Any suggestions on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.

[angelnmo]

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this. She has sisters, a mom, and extended family that have been babysitting and helping with childcare costs everyday care of the baby. She has a masters degree and a great job, so money or daycare is not the problem. She has parents that also have great jobs, so money is never a problem, for her or for my fiance. I did suggest that he talk to her about seeking counseling and perhaps trying some medication until she pulls through this. Do you think maybe this is what she needs?

[youknowwhatitis]

All that is great.....and even though she had a part to play in this he cheated on you with her....she probably thought that was a good sign. And she became pregnant she thought and even better sign only for him to leave her alone and come back to you. She probably feels betrayed in the worst with why cheat with her, make and baby ie responsibility and then stay with the woman you were with. She is probably as confused as I am just hearing about it. She probably really believed it was sure thing. Just give her time and space. If she's educated, eventually the educated part of her will kick in and it will take a long while for her to get over the bitterness of him going back to you. So don't expect her to be miss angelcakes because she's not but after she's had adequate to mourn and adjust. She may legitimately move on she has a lot going for herself that another man could appreciate.

[youknowwhatitis]

Also you will only fuel the emotional unstableness.....just leave her alone. BD should probably leave her alone for a little bit too so she doesn't mistake small acts of kindness as hope.

[angelnmo]

You know what, I think you are right. I will just continue leaving her alone and I will suggest to my fiance that he back off and give her some space too.

There were no mixed messages as to what he expected from her when he got with her though. I read some old emails and he pretty much told her that he only wanted a friend with benefits and that she wasn't the only one he was with. He also told her that he wasn't ready to have any children and trusted that because they were friends, she would talk with him before she decided to get pregnant.

As far as I can discern from the texts, he maintained a friends with benefits relationship with her and only visited her once or twice a month. I know this because i intercepted emails that she sent to him asking him to see her more often. She knew about me and would constantly threaten to tell me about them and confront me herself.

Then she confessed in the emails that she thought she was getting old and thought it would be a good idea to have a baby with a friend rather than go to a sperm bank, hook up with a stranger, or wait until she was in her forties. So, without telling him, she got off the birth control pills and purposely got pregnant without his consent.

He has taken full responsibility for his actions towards her and me. He has asked for forgiveness and come to peace with God.

Lord knows it has been hard for me also. I was with this man for several years when he decided to go outside of the relationship. The only difference between me and her is that I was extra vigilant about protection and refused to commit myself to a man for life with a baby without knowing that he truly loved me and married me. It has been a long hard road. He had to earn back my love and my trust. I prayed about it and asked God to do what was best for me, even if it wasnt what I wanted. I chose to forgive him and give him a second chance. Of course stressing that if he EVER did that to me again, I would walk.

She seems to think that she was the only one hurt here. I was hurt too. Is it my fault that I didnt trap myself by getting pregnant. Yes, trap myself. Because certain women like the one I am dealing with seem to not realize that they are really trapping themselves when they purposely get pregnant for a man that isn
t 100 percent committed to them.

Thank you youknowhatitis. You give sound advice and I think I will give her more time and stay away for a while. At least until we get married and I feel she has a right to know the type of woman that will be around her child.

[ty1981]

Tell your fiancee to get a visitation order....obviously this chick is a psycho...don't start to play her games.

[tellit]

Oh but no...If he gets a visitation order, the BM will just go get a child support order. He should just continue to kiss the BM's A$$ so as not to piss her off. You know, the BM being a single parent in all. BD is COMPLETELY responsible for her behavior. After all, he CAUSED her to act this way because after he knocked her up, he decided that he did not want to be with her. BM should be able to break into his house and physically assault him ANYTIME she wants to be, after all, she is the BM. That makes her reign supreme. ROFL. Isn't that what we have been told?

[ty1981]

LMFAO tellit......I am almost always passive when it come to dealing with BM but if banana cream pie comes to my house...threatens me...destroys my property...I am going to kick her baby havin ass. If she comes back she'll be sorry....I have a glock and a license to carry a concealed weapon. I got to the range twice a month .....I won't miss.

[tellit]

You know!! ;D I think that some of the excuses for BM's behavior is crazy. And I am tired of hearing that BM will take BD for child support. My DH's BM has been there and done that, yet she still has created drama. The child support order did not have the affect that she wanted, so she moved out of state. Some BMs will take extreme actions to get attention. So, she moved and whines that DH is not in SD's life. Well, could it be because you moved and refused to send SD back to visit? Could it be because you moved out of the continental US? It's not like he can stop by on his way home from work.