Try to be nice to banana cream pie and........

[ty1981]

So CBM had outpatient surgery today...found out from my future MIL. She is having a partial hysterectomy...anyway, I send CBM flowers, get well balloons, and a ard saying if she needs anything I am here for her. She doesnt get along well with her family, so I know sometimes she feels alone. It felt like the right thing to do, the christian thing to do. But CBM acts up again and call my fiancee going off about how insensitive I am...now that she can't have any more kids and I'm throwing it in her face that we will be starting a family again......just another reason you can't treat a CBM like a human being!!!!!!

[jaylady999]

Ok, i gotta say this just cuz....why oh why oh why did you send her anything? I am just wondering. I will say this again, I think we all wish we lived in a "cant we all just get along society" when it comes to these BM's. And even if we get along, we will never be friends. I know you meant well, but I dont think I could have done that one. Its almost like we should let sleeping dogs lie. Dont bother them, they wont bother us. I sincerely feel that dealing with, communicating with, anything with the BM should be on a strict need to basis and although I may have prayed for her to come out of her sugery ok(to myself), I dont think I could have bought her a thing. not a card, not a balloon, nothin. I truly know you meant well, but most BM's are on another level than ourselves. They feel things and act in ways that we may never understand. So while your girlfriend who you've been cool with for years may have appreciated that kind gesture, BM up the block turned it around and made it negative towards you becuz thats what they do best. So while I applaud you for your sensitive thoughts, I gotta say you kinda asked for that one

[jaylady999]

Jul 29, 2008 9:55:21 GMT -5 nomoredrama said:

I very rarely spoke with DH's BM anyway but I learned from this website not to have any contact with the BM at all. She is my DH's problem to deal with and I don't have to be burdened down with her drama. I am DH's wife, so BM and I don't have to communicate at all. We can pretend as if we both don't exist.

i dont deal with mine at all. i let him deal with her. the other day she was trying to come pick up the kids on her way home from work(cuz she works near us) from our house and he gave me the phone to give her directions to get there and i did. she decided she would get lost and didnt want to chance it, so he ended up backtracking and going in the same direction (about 20 miles) she was going to get home, wasting gas cuz she didnt want to follow simple directions. he was mad, but he still went and i didnt say a word, his gas money, his time, his BM. thats between him and her. I DO NOT GET INVOLVED. it just makes my life so much more simple ;D

[ty1981]

You know what guys.....I would do it for my enemy. So, how could I not do it for her. After a sermon at church on sunday I realized that God does not want us to behave towards each other that way. Jesus said love thy neibors as well as thy enemies. So, I'm going to treat CBM as my friend and continue to be the nice person that I am. God said he would prepare a table in the presence of mine enemies. No matter how hard CBM tries I don't allow her to run my life. God runs my life. As long as I stay focused on him......she can't do any harm to me.

[tellit]

I understand WHAT you are saying and where you are coming from. I think several of us deal with the BM based on biblical principles. God tells us to love our enemies. But BM's emotions are all mixed up into it, so it is kind of hard for her to appreciate ANYTHING you do. She's sees things from her perspective. From her perspective you are antagonizing her.

[sbimiss]

I agree with the majority of the responses. I do see your point in having a genuine heart but, I feel that she may see this in a different light as many BMs do. Many of them see it as we(gf/wife) are making a mockery out of her. She may feel that you are trying to make a fool out of her. Just as she spends a great deal of time scheming against you....she feels that you are capable of the same. Hence, the drama. I do think there is a bit of ignorance involved. We all hope they take these nice gestures in with good faith but, it's very unlikely. Instead, it is just one more thing she is trying to use against you.

[gemmani]

This is what those of us with good hearts go through. I used to be like that. I figured if I extended the olive branch and treated my enemies like my friends, we could all move on and be happy. But that only works if the other person has the same way of thinking. Its like being with a man and doing everything for him, only to find out that he wasn't appreciative of anything you did.
I found myself getting angry, b/c I wasn't getting the same treatment I was giving out. I figured out that you have to choose carefully who you will share yourself with (romantically and platonically). Pick people who wil appreciate your efforts, otherwise it will backfire on you.

Not to mention, she already had a problem with you to begin with, so she wouldn't see the "good" in your gesture. But God saw your gesture, so it didn't completely go to waste!

[youknowwhatis]

It is a two way street anything BM tries to get from BD will always be scrutinized by wifey/gf as well as anything wifey/gf tries to do regarding BM and kids will be scrutinized by the BM. It's supposed to be that way. It not uncommon for people in those shoes not to trust each other. Wifey/gf is worried about BM working against her guess what BM is worried about the same. Anytime two people are eating from the same spoils ie man....there is going to be nontrust and warfare because each believes the other is trying to take something away from the other could be money, the man, control, respect, etc.

With the flowers BM probably was wondering why are you being so nice to her and how did you even find out. Why do you care? We live in a society where people don't trust each other often with good reason. Did you sign the card from you or from both of you. Do not try to be nice to the BM........in turn she should not try to be nice to you. Treat each other with respect and common courtesy that 's it. Communicate only if necessary regarding the children.

[gemmani]

Its so pathetic that this is even an issue. Being nice is regarded with suspicion. It seems like people can handle hostility better that good, old-fashioned kindness.

To be really honest and real right now........if BM all of a sudden told me that she wanted to be friends, or at least be cordial, I would jump at the chance. I don't WANT to have to be suspicious and think the worst of people. I don't WANT to dislike BM. Its so tiring!! It takes up more energy that dislike someone than to like them. I don't want to have that area of myself that absolutely dreads it when fiance tells me yet ANOTHER piece of negative BM news.

If BM sent me something like that, even though yes, I would be suspicious, I would send her a thank you card or email. If it ended up biting me in the a$$, oh well, but at least I would have given the realtionship a chance to bloom.

[tellit]

Jul 30, 2008 10:27:24 GMT -5 @youknowwhatis said:

With the flowers BM probably was wondering why are you being so nice to her and how did you even find out.

That's a good point Youknow. I hadn't even thought of that. Our medical history or condition is very private. A hysterectomy is a very sensitive situation to some people. It prevents BM from having any more children. She saw the balloons and cards as salt on her wounds.

[ty1981]

BM tells MIL stuff because she wants uus to find out....she wants my DH to run to her and comfort her. But she will find out that we do things together, whether she likes it or not. If she wants to be friends with him...she has to be friends with me. We decided that the best way to deal with her is to have a united front. So he has stopped going to see the kids at her house since I can't come. She doesn't let them come over to ours. He filed for visitation. I didn't send stuff out of malice....I sen't it out of kindness and concern. If she doesn't like it too bad. I'm going to keep obeying God.

[youknowwhatitis]

Another question..........why do some of the ladies on the board seem to think court ordered visitation will solve the dispute in most cases I have seen and heard of it only complicates matters further and creates more tension and hostility and is often met with a return CS application.

[sbimiss]

gemmani...in response to your post, I am wondering if BMs feel the same way. It is completely draining in my opinion to keep up with all the anger. I mean, we are all human. There has to be an ounce in some of these women that would like for things to be civil just in the best interest of the child. No one said we all have to like eachother or even be friends but, what is the sense in all the anger, hate, and manipulation. It would take a ton of energy out of me to constantly be like that! It wouldn't even be worth it at the end of the day.

[ty1981]

Since we started legal visitation BM can't control where or when he sees the kids. If she tries she will be held in contempt of a court order and go to jail. Ever since we did that she has calmed down. Whatever problem she has beyond that...is just that...her problem. It has cut out alot of drama because she can no longer use if you don't do what I want...you can't see you kids. Hence why she tries to go through MIL, but that doesnt work anymore either because mil has told her she doesnt want to hear anything about us from her. United front has totally turned things around.

[gemmani]

Exactly Ty, once a court order is obtained, BM has no say about whether or not BD can see the kids. If she's already giving problems to BD about seeing the kids, the visitation order knocks that out. He can see his kids, and BM has to suck it up. She was already being hostile and creating problems!! So why NOT get a court order? So what, BD pays CS, but he gets to see his kids, right?
Those court orders take BM's power over BD away. She can b*tch and moan and be as hostile as she wants to be, at least BD can see his kids with minimum interference.

And yes, I'm always saying get a court order. It was the best thing my fiance ever did regarding BM. Yeah, she pisses and moans, but we get to see the kids. Period. And she can't do a d**ned thing about it, she has no more power over the situation. COURT ORDERS!!!!!! COURT ORDERS!!!!!!