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Post by sbimiss on Jul 30, 2008 17:03:05 GMT -5
My bf and I sent his kids things they need for school. Both have different mothers and each live in different cities. The older child asked me a few weeks ago to get her a "high school musical" bookbag. Her mother also had asked if we could buy her sneakers. My bf pays CS for his older daughter but whenever she asks for something extra which is very rare, I do my best to make sure it gets to her because she has never given me an ounce of trouble. Plus, I am more than happy to help them. I know that CS isn't always enough. Rather than just buy for one child, I suggested we buy for both. So, we went out and bought shoes, bookbags, and other supplies I thought they might need for school. Well, we sent out the packages, both children received, and called to thank their daddy. The younger daughter, which I have problems with BM, says thank you daddy ect. but then says BM is saying SM is a stupid a*s b*tch again(mind you this is a 4yr.old) What the heck did I do?!? I didn't do that for BM or anyone else for that matter. We did that for his daughter. This makes me feel angry and extremely sad all at the same time. I feel as if no matter what I do it will be received in a negative way. BM#1 obviously knows that I made sure these things were taken care of and I can speak for her by saying that she is appreciative but, BM#2 doesn't know that I had anything to do with that. Neither my bf or I have any contact whatsoever with the BM. My bf communicates with his daughter's grandmother(BM's mother)who is also the primary caretaker of his daughter. I assumed his daughter thought her father sent her these things. I don't think she thought further as to who actually put it all together. I really don't know what to think at this point. I know that it may be wrong but I can't help but feel that I shouldn't help in any way. I shouldn't do any extra for the younger one. No one asked us to send her these things I just thought it would only be fair because we bought for the older daughter. I also thought it would be helpful. Sometimes I feel like these children don't even see that I am a genuine person. I feel that no matter what I am looked upon as a bad person for no reason at all. I know I should just suck it up and continue doing what I have been doing but it's def. very draining. I know that if I didn't do these things my bf would not have done it on his own. Ever since both children were born he sent others to do the shopping i.e. his mom, or sister in law if not he wouldn't do it at all. I feel like I did my part. I feel like I would be less of a woman if I didn't encourage him to do his part. I am not looking for any type of credibility or acknowledgment but, I do feel that my efforts are going unseen or they are being misconstrued. Am I wrong to feel like I should disconnect myself? I worry that he won't do these things in future if I don't do it myself. Has anyone else experienced this? What are your thoughts?
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 30, 2008 17:17:22 GMT -5
got a couple of questions for you before i weigh in my .02 or whatever its worth. LOL. 1. How long have you and BF been together? and 2. Do you two live together or just BF/GF relationship? it really does weigh in on my thoughts  |
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Post by tellit on Jul 30, 2008 17:34:34 GMT -5
I have experienced something similar with my SD (BM #2). Well, we sent out the packages, both children received, and called to thank their daddy. That is the answer to your question. You are doing it for the kids. I noticed that you said your stepkids don't live near you. Have you ever met them? If not, they probably don't acknowledge you as a genuine person. They may need to spend some time with you before you will hear them say, "Thank you dad and sbmiss." My DH & I have sent packages and gift cards to SD (Christmas, birthdays, back to school, etc). We don't receive even ONE phone call to say, "Thank you." Neither my SD nor the BM even acknowledge the gifts are received. I realize that my SD who was 7 years old when she moved was never TAUGHT by her MOTHER to be appreciative and courteous when gifts are received. The courteous thing is to call the person sending the gifts to thank them. We always have to call SD to say, "Did you receive the gift?" If we don't call then NOTHING is ever said about them. That made me question whether or not we should continue sending the gifts. My MIL seems to think that BM may be intercepting the gifts and making it appear as though she purchased them or using the gift cards for herself. I don't know but it is peculiar that nothing is ever spoken about it. Most of the time we can't speak with the daughter, so we always have to ask the BM. She can tell us ANYTHING. We don't know. BM always wants everyone to believe that my DH is such a horrible father so I don't put it pass her to do something like that. |
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Post by sbimiss on Jul 30, 2008 17:39:20 GMT -5
My bf and I have been on and off for a little over 8yrs. We started dating when BM#1 was about 2-3 months pregnant. We continued our relationship. We split up once and shortly after our split, BM#2 became pregnant. I do have to say that both pregnancies were due to a few careless sexual encounters. A few months after the child was born we were back in eachother's lives but were not dating as I was trying to pursue other relationships, career, college...basic life trials a serious relationship was not what I wanted at the time. This carried on for almost 3 yrs. We were in touch and saw eachother out and about around town i.e. nightclubs and so on. I did not decide to commit to him in a committed relationship that we have now until a little less than 2 yrs. ago. His daughter was turning 3 at that time. So, in that time for the first 2 years of her life my bf and the BM were not together. When we decided to continue our relationship a little less than 2 yrs. ago we moved in together and now plan on marriage and starting a family of our own. I hope this extra bit of info. helps. Anything else....feel free to ask.
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Post by sbimiss on Jul 30, 2008 17:45:57 GMT -5
Also, I have a great relationship both kids. I have known them both since they were both very young. When they stay with us, I am the one taking care of them. We try to spend as much family time as we can with them. Overall, I am sure when they are with us, they know I genuinely care for them and love them. However, because they do not live with us, I feel that the younger one is basically plagued with bad things the mother says about me. Just for the record, I do not know BM#2 very well. All of the things she has said about me are nothing but fallacies due to her misunderstandings.
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Post by youknowwhatis on Jul 30, 2008 17:57:51 GMT -5
I think that you are wrong for wanting to disconnect...that doesn't make you a bad person I just things your feelings may have gotten hurt a little.
You must learn not to take the BM's comments to heart......when people say things to hurt you......don't give them the satisfaction of it actually hurting you....because you are letting them win. There are a lot of nasty, ignorant people in the world period...not just BM's. Don't stoop to her level....keep being about your man and your skids.
That's her problem not yours.
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Post by ty1981 on Jul 30, 2008 18:09:46 GMT -5
You need to do what's right and not worry about anything or anyone else. I know that doesn't always make you feel good...but at the end of the day I ask my self would God be happy with what I'm doing. I guess those stupid wwjd bracelets I wore when I was a kid rubbed of into my soul....lol.
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 30, 2008 18:24:54 GMT -5
Ok given your answers, I see you have been in each others lives for quite some time and it really does change my answer. I think you should continue to do what you becuz i can feel you are doing it for his children, regardless of the one BM who dont have enough sense to realize that people have her childs best interest at heart. however, if you decide to pull back, you are not wrong in that area either. i say you should really pray on it and follow your heart. either way, you are not wrong. good luck!  |
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Post by gemmani on Jul 31, 2008 10:33:30 GMT -5
Haha, let BM#2 get mad. You did what you did for the child, and the CHILD was appreciative. That's all you need to know. Just expect that BM2 will start saying dumb stuff.
I won't say you were right or wrong. You have every right to feel what you feel. And please believe, the children WILL see that you are genuine. They pick up on things quickly, and are able to put 2+2 together. See my posts about my 3 skids.The oldest is 6, and she's been noticing a lot of things about her mother that she doesn't like. Her 4 year old brother also. They say their mom is mean b/c she talks badly about my fiance and I, and we never say anything bad about her. Please believe me, the kids will understand. Keep loving them, and its MORE proof that you are a good person, versus what BM may say.
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Post by im2grown4this on Aug 5, 2008 20:20:49 GMT -5
I think you are doing just what you should in making sure that BD is taking care of his children. You mentioned that if you didn't encourage him, he probably wouldn't do it at all. So, in the long run you are doing the right thing for the kids and that's all that matters. The kids. Even though they get the CS it may or may not be enough. So, anything extra is always helpful.
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