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Post by coolchic9 on Aug 11, 2008 16:16:04 GMT -5
So, I am engaged to be married and have been living with my fiancee for the past 3 years with my two kids. He has a son with another woman who is 7 years old. She doesn't allow him to see his son. So he has been trying extra hard lately and finally she allowed him to take him the other day, but only if I am not around. I am not allowed around her son because we don't get along. About 6 months ago, he cheated on me with her, so to answer the question, no I do not like her at all, but I am nice because of the children. I don't think that the kids shoudl know anything that goes on in our lives, but how is this suppose to not come in between myself and my fiancee? He doesn't blame me, or so he says, but I feel bad that I am the reason he can't see his son. Or at least that is her excuse this week. I wasn't there in the past with them, so I don't know the whole story. I do know that my two kids live with us and he is GREAT to them. Better than their own fathers are. And I know it hurts him everyday that he can't see his son and I know that his son wants to come with him and she won't let him. What if she is telling her son bad things about me? I just don't understand. He also pays her 375 dollars a month in child support and I know that is not alot, but she doesn't work, she sits home with her three kids and live off the system and her other baby's daddy. She is calling my fiancee now to go buy all his sons school supplies and clothes, shoes, etc. I don't mind because that is his son and he wants to do for him, but I do mind that she is asking. What is she doing with the money he already gives her? I just am at a lost right now, and I don't know if we will make it through this. Another thing is that he NEVER takes up for me when she starts mouthing off about me. He feels like if he does, then she will not allow him to get his son. And that really bothers me! What do I do?
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 11, 2008 16:24:10 GMT -5
Regardless of the past history between your future DH and his BM, he definitely is going to need to have your back here if yall are supposed to be getting married. Yall's situation gets complicated when he obviously has gone back and forth between the two of you, even if it was only once. All I can say here is that this will be totally up to him to handle his BM with this. Its not your battle to fight. But if he cant step up to the plate in this case for you, I would seriously rethink getting married to him. Things will not change once yall are married, if anything they will get worse, cuz she'll be more mad about the situation.
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Post by gemmani on Aug 11, 2008 16:52:42 GMT -5
Ugh. I hate these situations. Sorry you are going through it.
Before I even go into things, make sure you are positive about marrying this guy. Ditto Jaylady (as usual!). Doesn't sound all that trustworthy. This will be a long, hard, rocky road, so please, PLEASE make sure he is worth it before continuing your relationship.
If he doesn't have your back NOW, don't expect things to change. Stepparenting (especially with BMD) is d**n near impossible if the two of you aren't on the same page as a team. It will cause nothing but resentment and heartache.
First of all, it's NOT your fault that his BM is making him jump through hoops, its HER fault. She's the one acting childish.
Like I always say, your fiance better get a visitation order. BM cannot control who is around her child. It sounds like your fiance better get hip to his rights. I notice that its the BDs who don't know the law that are the ones who get played by BM. As a father, he has every right to see his son.
Really though, the fact that he doesn't have your back will cause you IMMENSE resentment. Especially since he recently cheated on you with her. Please think long and hard before committing to this man for life. It just might not be worth it.
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Post by tellit on Aug 11, 2008 17:52:01 GMT -5
What strikes me as significant is that he has a 7 year old son with BM. You and he have lived together for 3 years and 6 months ago he and BM SLEPT TOGETHER. What?!!
You have obviously decided to work it out with him but he won't stand up to BM on your behalf.
I echo Jaylady and Gemmani when I say that you need to reconsider marrying him. He does not appear to be through with his BM or 6 months ago would never have happened. How long was he sleeping with BM? Was it one time or over a period of time but you just found out about it 6 months ago?
OMG--I can't believe I am saying this but a lot of BMD is started when men try to play both sides of the fence. Your fiance appear to be untrustworthy. His BMD is because of HIS actions. And he is further allowing his BM's behavior and making excuses for it. It won't get better, only worse as long as he doesn't address it.
I would definitely not get married to him right away if at all.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 11, 2008 18:00:10 GMT -5
You know tellit, i missed this before until you pointed it out. if the child is 7 y/o and more than 4 years later he still slept with BM again, i wonder how long that had really been going on. and we dont know if it was once, more than once, or just that he is just now getting caught. wow.
after second thought, i would definitely agree that i dont think i could marry into this situation. she is not just marrying the man, she is marrying him along with his issues with his BM. If he is clearly still sleeping with her or has at some point, nah, I'd have to take a pass on marrying him.
this is the type of situation where that the brotha was speaking on in the "brotha point of view" thread. all the drama that is going on in this situation clearly points to the BD here. point blank period
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Post by lovelife23 on Aug 18, 2008 21:56:13 GMT -5
I am in the same spot as you. My boyfriend has two kids that I am not aloud to see. She is not as bad with him seeing them but really the only time he does really get to see them is when she needs something. I feel bad not only for him but for the kids. They love their dad. I am sorry that you have to be in it also. It sucks. I always tell him if he is giving her money and doing what he needs to do for the kids then it should be none of her buiesness what he does when he gets the kids as long ad they are in good health and being loved. A father knows what is best and not best for his children as well as the mother. Good luck I hope things get better. Just stick in there they will work out. I am hoping for the same!
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Post by memyslfni on Aug 21, 2008 9:15:53 GMT -5
So yeah, its been 3 years and still the same ole crap. As easy as it seems for bm to block out the fact that I exist, its still something I cant bring myself to do. Some people are good at blocking out reality! Anyway the fact that I am the considerate person that I am it continues to cause problems between me and bf. It seems the more I try to push him to get his kids the more problems we have. It seems as if he wants me to not only block his bm's out of mind but the kids as well. What he fails to realize is that when he tells me about his problems involving his kids and their mothers its a habit that I make it my problem as well. My bad I thought that was what u did when you love somebody. I'm just really ready to let it all go, he refuses to anything that I suggest. Using the excuse that he's tried it and it all and it doesnt work. So since he suggests their is no way to fix it, my only option is to remove it from my life. I feel if this is the life he chooses he can have it but I wont be miserable with him. I'm tired of the excuses, somethings got to give....I dont mind being with a man with kids, but a man with bmd that he doesnt know how to control takes the cake...
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Post by gemmani on Aug 21, 2008 10:44:19 GMT -5
Yeah, it's worse when the BD doesn't put BM in her place. I feel so bad for the men out there (not the deadbeats) who are given a hard time when they want to see their kids. It seems like a lot of men have the tendency to bury their heads in the sand when it comes to the BM. My fiance was like that in the beginning. BM was walking all over him and he would try to justify it. I told him that taking care of your kids does not mean letting their mother treat you like her personal servant. I said that if that is the case, we do not need to be together because there's no way I'm going to be in a 3-way relationship. He got the message quickly.
Tellit & Memyslfni.....that helpless feeling is what I'm seeing a lot on these forums (I read other sites). BM pulls crazy stunts just to keep BD away and there's really nothing you can do about it. It doesn't help when you have such a biased court system that caters to BMs and automatically deems the BDs as deadbeats. So when they can't reason with BM and the courts aren't any help, to them it feels like why even bother. Which is not a good mind set at all, but its understandable.
Memyslfni, I get where you are coming from. You see your man hurting and you want to help. Personally, I would feel better having kids with a man if I saw how much he was willing to fight for the ones he has now. I would feel funny if he didn't fight to see them. I'd probably be doing the same thing as you. But they are HIS kids. There's only so much we as wives/gf/stepmoms can do about it. Actually, there's really nothing we can do about it except support our men in their decisions. But I would find it hard to support the decision to not see his kids. The consequences of that are far-reaching, and may cause irreversable damage to the parent/child relationship and leave me questioning what type of man he actually is.
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Post by bmdramaof2 on Aug 21, 2008 11:06:19 GMT -5
I agree check your situation before marrying your man. I understand you love him but it would be best to take your time to figure your where you guys stand and is he going to slip again.
2) It's not your fault did they never layed in the bed together this wouldn't be an issue and she is not playing fair. He has visitation rights and Gemmani is right he sure does needs to do a lil more studying or his rights as that boys father. I went through that for a lil bit too BM not wanting me to see her daughter but remember how hard it is that's his son and he needs his time with him so let them spend the day together or whatever so he has that.
Don't you let them put this on you it's there fault and he needs to be kiss your a-- and making you feel good. I've been there when BM talked shhhh about me and was cursing my husband out about me and he sit there and say nothing I told him you really need to figure out what you want because I'm grown and not going to let anyone disrepect me. Your fixing it because she won't like what I say.
Stay strong!
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Post by daddyinpdx on Aug 22, 2008 1:10:06 GMT -5
coolchic9
I just read your post and want to warn you that you are making a "huge" mistake by getting married to this dude. I am a BD that has two BM's. I also had a twyst with my prior fiancee with BM. I did this because my feelings were not all gone with my BM.
I'm here to serve notice that the only reason why your fiancee's BM will not allow the son over is because of the feelings that she still has in her heart for your man. If she was over the dude, she'd be club hoppen and "pipe" jumpen.
It's also evident that dude is laying it down pretty well for you to accept such bizzare behavior to occur in your relationship. I say establish realistic boundaries with your fiancee, post-pone your engagement, and interact with your step son to be.
Watch a new chain of unexpected events un ravel as you disarm the wife-in-law of her pawn. She's gonna do one of two things, be extremely nice to your dude, or get a restraining order to further prevent visitation. This will really depend on the degree of feelings for your fiance.
This is a cold blooded game and you gotta be like the Mack and Mr. Miagee to win.
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Post by tienee on Aug 22, 2008 9:23:36 GMT -5
You can't see his son because Bm is mad that his there and not with her. you stood by him after he cheated with her. And she probably thought that once you found out it would be over between you 2. Alot of men don't know their rights and do things to keep Bm satisfied so they can have the visitation with their child. if he's not willing to do the work to make sure that he can legally see his son you can do two things. you can look up the information and give it to him so that he can go to court and get visitation rights. if he's not willing to do it then he's a lost cause and you may never be happy because he's going to always want to please Bm so that he can see his son.And more than likely he will sleep with her again and again because she's using her son as a bargaining chip. now you can choose to stay, but most likely you won't be happy.
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Post by jaylady999 on Aug 22, 2008 10:24:54 GMT -5
coolchic9 I just read your post and want to warn you that you are making a "huge" mistake by getting married to this dude. I am a BD that has two BM's. I also had a twyst with my prior fiancee with BM. I did this because my feelings were not all gone with my BM. I'm here to serve notice that the only reason why your fiancee's BM will not allow the son over is because of the feelings that she still has in her heart for your man. If she was over the dude, she'd be club hoppen and "pipe" jumpen. It's also evident that dude is laying it down pretty well for you to accept such bizzare behavior to occur in your relationship. I say establish realistic boundaries with your fiancee, post-pone your engagement, and interact with your step son to be. Watch a new chain of unexpected events un ravel as you disarm the wife-in-law of her pawn. She's gonna do one of two things, be extremely nice to your dude, or get a restraining order to further prevent visitation. This will really depend on the degree of feelings for your fiance. This is a cold blooded game and you gotta be like the Mack and Mr. Miagee to win. listen to this man! he is right on the money with his assessment of your situation. i refused to marry my husband until we had some clear cut boundaries with his BM, thats why it took 5 years for us to get married. well, we really werent talkin marriage til year 3, but even then, i still needed him to clear up the role the BM plays in his life. by the way, i thought i was the only one who addressed the BM as my wife-in-law. too funny  |
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