Will this ever end?

[sbimiss]

No matter how good of a person I consider myself to be and no matter how hard I try to handle things in the best way possible, I feel there will never be a positive resolution to this. As much as I hope there to be, I wonder if I will always have to worry about the typical things we all go through when dealing with a CBM/BMD? I almost forgot what life would be like to just live freely and not worry about someone interfering in my happiness. I think we all deserve this...every human does. How do I find a happy medium when there is a canon ball that randomly goes off and is targeted at my family, myself, and my happiness. No one really wants to live this way. No one really wants to be on their toes for the rest of their lives. I guess it's my controlling nature being overprotective of my relationship. My bf and I have come to a place where we work together to keep our relationship rock solid but, sometimes it would be much easier to just sit back and let it be what it will be. How do we keep the strength and energy to deal with this? Does it subside or does it come naturally? Is this something that I signed up for and I will always have to keep in the back of my mind? i.e. what if this...what if that...

Those "what ifs" can drive people insane. What are your thoughts? Please elaborate.

[bmdramaof2]

I know what your feeling I feel it all the time I been in a relationship for 7 years and let me tell you I still feel that way. It's extremely hard and it's like a serious slap in the face. My DH and I are bestfriends we talk like friends and have a ball together but when the BMs call the world feel like it's upside down and I feel like I don't even know my DH and seeing what he goes through is the hardest thing . So many factors you have a women taking trash saying how horrible he is, they want money which means it will be food being food taken out of your mouth and your babies mouth to accomidate there laziness. In one way you feel like his queen and the another moment you don't. It's normal but what I do is think this is only temporary every year when the SC birthday come I get excited 1 year more year down. Not because I don't have to deal with my DSC it's I dont' have to day with BMs. I loved my SC but that's it. Stay strong because those what ifs won't be ever answered not until them kids turn 18. Good Luck.

[sbimiss]

Very true....when something goes wrong, we def. feel like everything is upside down. It's like you work so hard to do the right thing so that we can all live peacefully, including BM, and so that all of us are focused on what's important.

My bf's daughter is 4yrs old. Her father and I called her today as we normally do on a daily basis or every other day to check up on her to see how she is doing and if everything is alright. His daughter lives with her grandmother(BM's mom). She has been living with the grandmother ever since she was born. Along with the BM's sister(age 8). My bf and the mother were never in a relationship other than the few careless sexual encounters that lead to pregnancy. Well, needless to say SD is well taken care of and better taken care of in my opinion with the child's grandmother. My bf and the BM have no communication. Everything is done through the grandmother. Anyhow back to the phone call, he speaks with her briefly and she asks to speak with me. She asks me question after question and states she's bored. I laugh and I am pleased with our conversation. Then I could hear my SD's aunt whispering things in her ear. I could barely understand and ignored it because my conversation was with SD. Then SD says, "Can you pick me up and when I go with you can you NOT tell (mother's name)?" p.s. She doesn't refer to her mother as mom...she calls her by her first name. I was shocked to say the least but we continued our conversation. All the while my bf is listening because the phone was on speakerphone. I could hear the other little girl whispering things to her and my SD would laugh while still conversating with me.

I worry that my stepdaughter will feel that she is not allowed to come to our home or feel that it is wrong. In the past, SD has expressed to me that her mother says she doesn't want her father to pick her up anymore. Her father and mother do not get along but she should not suffer the consequences. Has anyone else been in this situation and what do you think of this?

I also asked that my bf speak to SD about this or at least make it clear that she should have no reluctance coming to our home or feel that it is wrong because this is her home too. When she is with us, all that matters is that she is spending time with dad and we are taking good care of her. When she is with mom that is their business. Nothing else should matter. Keep in mind that she is only 4...will be 5 in a few months. How should we handle this? I can't help but think that this is very confusing to a 5yr. old. or should he not say anything about this at all. Our main concern with this is that we don't want her to be confused.

[gemmani]

BM talks about us nonstop. Of course she makes my fiance out to be this horrible deadbeat who doesn't care about his kids. She tries to make an issue of the kids being around me, but will drop them off like a hot potato because she doesn't like her kids interferring with her weekends. She tells the kids that she doesn't like me and that if we get married she'll be very angry. Blah blah.

We honestly don't care what she says about us, but we don't like for the kids to be so conflicted. They ask questions all the time about their mother and her actions. I think they are trying to understand the situation, especially the oldest kid. They ARE forming their own opinions about everything. They notice that we never talk badly about their mom or her family. We encourage them to love their mom (encourage them like we don't make them feel bad for it, unlike BM). No matter what they say to us about their mom, I always spin it around back to the kids.

The my SD6 was feeling bad because she didn't like what her mom says about me. I just told her that it doesn't matter if she likes me or not. As long as she treats SD well then that's all that matters. I told her I have a lot of friends and family who love me, so I just stay away from the people who don't. I later heard her repeating what I said to her dad, saying that I was okay about what her mom says so she feels better.

So what I actually dread is the fallout from the kids after BM goes on her rants. Sticks and stones for me, but I hate seeing my skids upset over their mom.

[tellit]

I think some BMs take pleasure in making people THINK their BDs are the worse things around. It is a "Whoa is me" mentality. DH's BM used to tell her family how horrible of a father DH was. That translates to, "He doesn't jump through my hoops and do what I WANT him to do."

Does you SO's BM try to make him feel guilty? I remember when BM found out that DH was going to my family reunion one year. All of the sudden she wanted DH to keep SD on that day. DH told her that he couldn't because he was going to my family reunion. BM's comment, you can take your daughter with you to the family reunion. Or, are you ashamed of her? Her intent was to keep him away from my family reunion. If DH had agreed to take SD to my family reunion, BM would have probably thrown a fit telling him that SD did not need to be at MY family reunion. DH ended up staying home with his daughter...BM got her way.

12 years later, BM still tries to play the sympathy card. OLD!

[memyslfni]

Why the never ending nitemare? I'm so glad that it aint just my bm that pulls that sympathy card every chance she gets.... It is definitely getting old, but unfortunately these banana creams will never come to grips that its over Now....Although I have managed to get through to one bm of his, the other still remains a child. I'll say bm # 1 (bcuz she has moved on) has agreed that I could come get his daughters since she is less than willing to meet half the way (maybe later) but until then I told my dh that I am willing to pick them up to save him from having to make double trips (they are about an hour away). I figured since bm # 2 wont budge then we'll work on bm # 1. Who knows maybe bm # 2 will follow suit (we wont hold our breathe). More than likely she'll start itchin about him spending time with all his kids but hers and feel like she's last on the list (where she should be lol) When will they ever learn its not about them? Whew lawd this is a workkkkk....Sometimes I feel like I didnt ask for all this...and how much easier it could be....but then I realize that I came to far to give up now and ask the lawd for strength to keep me goin....k I feel better

[daddyinpdx]

This baby momma sindrome is awful to the children. I'm posting comments on this board to keep the sanity. I personally feel that many baby baby mommas that play these games have a psychological problem.

Who would go so far to make someone else miserable for 18 years. I just recently decided to wait until after my kids get 18 (I have 2 years left ) years of age. Right now I can't put up with this nonsense.

I've driven over 586 miles each way to pick up the children for visits only to receive a call half way into the trip to tell me that one of the children can't go.

A child will either become more poisoned with age or wisen up to the follishness of their mothers ignorance. It's so painful to see woman abuse the children emotionally.

I pray for all of the women on this board that God grants you the peace that surpasses all human understanding. Don' allow for these woman to destroy what God has established in your marriages.

[daddyinpdx]

I'm here to game everyone on this board about Parental Alienation Syndrome (caucasion)/ Baby Momma/Daddy Drama (Afro American) version.

I can only speak about Baby Momma Drama, because I've been in training for 15 plus years. Folks, this stuff is not for the weak man at heart. It's like walking on hyperdermic needles in no shoes.

First and foremost, all men have a responsibility to care for, support, sustain, protect, correct, and guide their child/children to their God given destiny's with supreme love.

The objective of the "bitter" Baby moma is to sabatoge the mans position and parental relationship between the father and his child. The statistics are staggering when 70% women are without male presence and guidance.

And we wonder why the gang violence and prison industrial complex is a Billion Dollar monstrosity.

Men when you feel that your relationship with your ex is irritrivably broken, you MUST do the following only if there is DRAMA such as:

1. BM is blocking acess to child via phone calls and visits.

2. BM is hurriedly in another relationship and forcing the child to call another unwedded male "daddy"

3. BM is putting a full court press on you for child support in te courts.

4. Repeadly calling and cursing you out to cause havoc.

5. Badmouthing you to your child and inner circle.

Note: if you are experiencing any of these signs, you MUST take serious action "wisely"

Do the following and you will put the BM vampire in the coffin with the quickness:

1. Be extremely nice to your BM. Listen to ole school,"its better to kill flies with honey, than with Bullnuts.

2. Pay childsupport with "Postal Money Orders Only"! Pay it even if you have not been served. If you don;t have a job, send at least $20.00 or a letter via UPS stating that you are looking for work to handle your responsibilities.

Note: Make a copy of this letter and all mailed money orders and mail them to yourself in the US Postal mail. This always has a date that can be used in court.

3. Always send a letter to your ex 1 week before visitation. Don;t say anything deragatory to her in the letter. If you do, this will be grounds for a restraining order in the future.

Note: Your paper trail will also defend you in her malicious attempts to derail your character. The judge will become your ally because you are 1 in a million that's on your game and men/women judges applaud that immediately.

4. Never tell your ex- what you are doing!!!! Let your next move be your best move. The more successful you become, the more venom she will begin to show.

5. Never talk around your children, because they eventually become spies for your ex. No pun intended, but all women have grand theft game to persuade and influence. That's how we got caught up in the first place.

6. Start studying Family law for your state. Get familiar with all types of cases similar to your own scenario. Learn the lingo, i.e ex parte motion, visitation, joint legal custody, etc.

Note: Learn the law before you call an attorney. Go to childcustody.org

7. Try your best to be cordial to your ex. It's way cheaper to curb the drama by practicing active listening. This shows your ex that you car.

8. Never have sex with your ex woman. This will only blow up in your face. If she still flirts with you lay her down slow and compliment her on her mother hood skills and pick your words wisely.

9. Do show your relationship hand until you are both financially and legaly ready to establish your parental rights. If you do this before, the game will heighten to new heights. As your BM will move, change her numbers, say you are harrasing her, and put in a restraining order.

Note: HELL Hath no furry like a woman scorned. Even God loves us enough to lace our shoes to "bitter" womans blues.

10. Last, put on the full court press and be a father your child. Pray that God gives you wisdom, class, and the tenacity to become a fixture in your childs life.

This will become your life's most challenging work. Take it from me (5 lawyers) and won custody. This is $30,000 advice from someone who fought for custody from 3,000 mile away. I was paying $1,100.00 per month.

I continued to put my frustrations in both my strategy to thwart the BM drama and to become sucessful for the greater good of my children.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU AND YOU WILL SUCCEED!!!!!!

[daddyinpdx]

Sometimes you have to detach from the situation. Detachment brings clarity. Clarity begats fulfillment. Stay focused and don't allow this outsider to have as much as an ounce of control in your life.

Stand close to your husband and be successful. Success is the greatest weapon for a BM to witness. Always be at your best when you see her. Even if you are in court. Never allow for her to get you down. Disgust and disillusionment is a BM target.

You'll be fine.

Peace

[gemmani]

We sure will, ladies (and gentleman!). We will be fine. A few thoughts help me when I feel like I want to punch BM in the face:
-Living in the moment. I focus on what's going on in front of me. I find that when I spend more and more time LOVING my friends, family, fiance, stepkids, I have less time for getting pissed off at whatever new piece of garbage BM says about me.

-Instead of getting mad, I feel sorry for her situation. I can't say that I'd be happy either if I had 3 kids to keep a man around and to be taken care of, only to break up and have no means of providing for myself, on top of being mad that my BD has moved on instead of getting back together (which apparently was the plan). So I can keep her actions in context and not take it so personally.

- I keep showing my stepkids what type of person I am. BM talks a lot of trash, and as long i I'm not proving her statements correct, the kids are seeing who's being real.

No matter what, I don't put myself in situations that encourage conflict (face to face) with BM. I rarely come to pick ups or drop offs, I don't answer fiance's cell phone. My skids tell me what BM says, and I answer the same way each time: It's okay. I have a lot of people who love me and care for me. I just stay away from the ones that don't. As long as she loves YOU, it doesn't matter what she says about me. (BM's response to that is that no one likes me because I "steal" things. I guess she means "her family". I let fiance explain that one for them.)

It bothers me more when i see my fiance getting upset at her antics. He doesn't like seeing the kids upset. He doesn't like her little texts messages bashing me. I often have to stop him from calling her up and cussing her out (once he gets on a roll, its over.). I tell him that doing that only validates her actions and shows her that she's geting to us. She hasn't gotten a response in months, which translates to 'you don't talk to me ever since SHE came along'. Then she'll say something to the kids, who"ll get upset and say something back (not good, children shouldn't talk back to their parents for any reason but I digress.) They'll get in trouble, they come to our house upset, we find out the reason they are in trouble is for defending us against their mom's statements. Its a cycle. Hopefully the madness will end soon.

[ty1981]

Gemmani I just realized how funny banana cream pie is. With every pitiful attempt to cause disruption, I just realized how much time she has on her hands. Now I take evrything she says or does with a grain of salt...and it's so ridiculous.....it's funny.

[jaylady999]

Aug 25, 2008 8:37:12 GMT -5 gemmani said:

No matter what, I don't put myself in situations that encourage conflict (face to face) with BM. I rarely come to pick ups or drop offs, I don't answer fiance's cell phone

I have found that this alone deters more drama than one could ever imagine. She dont have to see me or hear my voice and life is great! Great post as usual!

[gemmani]

Ty, you hit it on the nose. Its definitely a case of too much time, not enough to do. Well, I'm glad to be able to be her hobby

Jaylady, it so does eliminate much of the drama. Unfortuantely its not enough for her. Its almost like she wants me to get into it with her. Nope. Not going to happen. I refuse to give her that satisfaction. Plus I remember this saying (not exact): When you argue with a fool, someone observing will just see two fools arguing with no difference between them. She can be a fool by herself.

[daddyinpdx]

I thank God for my wife because in the midst of seeing all of the drama that I've been through, she has never "flipped out"

She never allows the situations to bring her down to a level of ignorance. Seeing her powerful and mature qualities in action makes me wanna back her up 110% when my BM's think about getting out of line.

I have yet to experience any one of my BM's to disrespect my wife. Well I take that back, there was one time that my BM tried to call the house to so call "check" my wife for something that the kids told her.

I took the hits on that phone call because my BM was just trying to start stuff because my kids had a good time when they spent the summer and she couldn't find no wrongs.

Note: You can never be nice enough to another womans children. This goes back to the Bible with Sarah, Abraham, and the maid.

Conflict will at sometime another emerge about the way you either treated the children too nice, too harsch, not harsch enough, or didn't pay attention at all to the kids.

My advice is not to become a schizophrenic behind the BM's drama. Pay close attention to what your man desires for his time with the kids and support him.

Kids will come to spend the summer with you and tell you how trifllen, unfit, and unconcerned their biological mom is and soon turn around and do the same thing with their biological mom against you. (Playing 2 ends against the middle)

So just "do you" and turn a blind eye to the non sense.

[gemmani]

I was so expecting the "play two ends against the middle" situation to happen. I read so many books and srticles and forums regarding stepparenting because I like to be informed before heading into a situation like this.
I really didn't expect for my stepkids to stick up for me to their mother. Neither did my fiance. To be honest, I don't know what to say about that. I try to tell them that it isn't respectful to take back to their mother. All I know is that I'd probably be devastated if those were my kids talking about me like that. That's probably a large part of the reason why she doesn't like me much. I can understand that completely. On the other hand, if she didn't act so negatively then the kids wouldn't notice the differences.

I don't let myself get mad when I hear about the latest drama. If i'm at work, I post to this forum. If I'm home, I have a glass of wine, watch a funny movie or read my favorite book. I calm my fiance down, b/c he gets really pissed off, and take his attention off the nonsense. If the kids are around, I'll run and play with them, burns off my "angry energy". But I'm proud to say that BM has never experienced me being nasty or anything to her. I've never said anything negative about her (except to fiance and this forum. And my mom. Mom always helps.).

Its hard sometimes, though. I've really grown as a person, but I still have times where I almost have to bite my tongue off to not respond to her issues. The constant negativity takes a toll after a while.