From the view of a Spouse

[daddyinpdx]

It really depends on the emotional position of the wifey that determines how the BD camp either reposnds or reacts to BM drama.

I'm star the wife of daddyinpdx. I thought that I would add my view of the BM drama situation.

Its more of a sad situation for the kids when the all adults cant get along.

I tend to find it easier when people move on an get on with their lives. It makes it easier to deal with our household.

But on the other hand when both BM's are stuck in the past, it becomes a real trying sight to see. Then children have to suffer through the name calling, message delivering, playing between the middle to win acceptance from both camps.

It realy takes a pschological toll on my SD's.

Another dilema is having a new child with my husband who has 2 BM's. Dealing with the differences is harder than dealing with the BM's alone.

I spend every waking moment with my child. Its my first, so I'm spoiling and surrounded by my biological family. This kinda hurts the other kids when they spend the holidays over because they feel left out "silently". Not because I'm playing favorites, but because sometimes their mother doesn't allow them to bond with my husband and I.

This happens when 2 people made bad or premature choices with children in between.

[jaylady999]

i agree with everything you say and it does really take a toll on the children involved when there is BMD. i also agree too that while BM does her own thing to wreak havoc, the position of the new girlfriend or wife is to stand by her man without even dealing with the BM. thats just my opinion. all i know is it worked for me!

[gemmani]

All I do is lend an ear when fiance wants to talk, or we'll brainstorm a solution to whatever situation that arises. When BM tries to be slick and manipulate my fiance, he comes to me so I can give it to him straight.
As for BM, I've only seen her in person once. I took my cues from her, she didn't want to say anything to me so I just stood there with fiance and stayed to myself. After BM and her sister spent like almost 2 hours talking smack about me, they made a comment that I must feel like I'm too good to say anything back to them. I did. I didn't want to look like a fool with them. But also, I just didn't think what they were saying about me was all that important. It only bothers me when the kids are the ones telling me the crap their mom says, then we have to talk to them and basically perform "damage control" and convince them that their mom isn't a mean ogre.
I like to refer to us new wives and gf's as the silent backbones of the situation (unless SM is crazy too :0) We don't jump into the drama, but we d**ned sure hold everything together and keep the chaos to a minimum.
(Once again, this only applies if SM is mature also. Let's not front like there aren't some psycho ones, just like BMs)

[daddyinpdx]

Yeah thats how you get evil wicked step moms. It's all about the heart of the woman who brings themselves into the situation. You have to keep the realtionship strong because the kids are goanna grow up and move on anyway.

You don't wanna have too much water under the bridge where you and your man can't relate to each other.

This too shall pass.

Star

[gemmani]

Exellent point Star. (You should join the board also!) Taking an evening to yourselves, going out on dates, even the small day to day affections MUST continue to occur.

I read in a book somewhere that we have to keep our emotional bank account full by expressing love on a daily basis (making "deposits"). That way, when hard times come, you have enough of an emotional cushion to be able to afford withdraw from the bank without going bankrupt.

[jaylady999]

Aug 28, 2008 7:21:20 GMT -5 gemmani said:

Exellent point Star. (You should join the board also!)

i agree Star needs her own screename! ;D

[youknowwhatitis]

That's the reason why I feel it is important for the BM and BD to do things together some time with the child so the child doesn't feel like the other kids have something they don't. It's supposed to be for the kids....adults need to learn how to be adults and not be so insecure.

As a product of a situation like this...........I never saw my dad and his wife together..........I think I am better off because of it. I just saw my dad. My dad and my mom were in some of the same places together and up until I go way older they were friends. But I still wish I had a memory of them doing something together with me besides just going to the mall shopping. When I had dad time it was dad time.......sometimes his girlfriends came but it wasn't his wife so I never felt scrutinized. Didn't meet his wife til older........could care less if I ever see her again. It should be about the children. Their should be sometimes even in situations like star's that maybe daddy and the Sd's just go out and do something together without star and without star's child. It makes a difference to the kids. Just my opinion

[jaylady999]

sorry, but if they were going to be a family, they would have stayed together. they didnt, so thats that. from the point that a man gets married, BM gone need to fall back. PERIOD. as a BM, i respected BD space even when he only had a girlfriend. i just cant see myself looking like the lonely BM that wants to try and hang out with BD and his girlfriend/family all the darn time. BM should have some darn shame

[memyslfni]

I truly believe it doesnt matter who is with who (mom and dad or dad and gf) as long as the atmosphere is peaceful and enjoyable for the kids. If a child can see two people who truly care for each other be loving and show a minimal amount of affection towards one another, this can make for a good reflection on the child. Children need to see love, not war! YOUKNOW can you honestly see yourself walkin through the park with bd and son without thinking about all the drama that has formed between you two? Not for you nor bd but for your sanity of your child...You speak of this so called "family day" when you hate merely the skin color your bd is covered in...not to metion all the other flaws you've mentioned...So do tell, do you pray on the day bd recovers from his physical hendrance so that your son gets to experience such a day...? Dont worry I dont expect feedback....just food for thought...

[youknowwhatitis]

I would do it..........not for ME..........cause I don't have to see his black azz ever again in life. But if it would make son smile......hell yeah I would do it and what happened between me and him would mean nothing.........It called being a MOTHER.

[jaylady999]

I agree with the exception of milestone events that you cant get do-overs on, like graduations, ect etc.

[jaylady999]

Oh thats for definite, you did right!

BD called me yesterday to ask what i planned to do for our sons bday which is in a week or so. i told him that i hadnt thought about it yet since last year was his big party(he turned 10 y/o) where we were all there (me, DH, BD, and his girlfriend). So this year, at 11, not a milestone, so no biggie. He told me not to tell our son but he was going to surprise him by going up to his school with the cake and ice cream celebration for his classmates. I was like "good, you can go so I dont have to". It is not necessary for us both to go, plus thats time I dont have to take off work. Some things are just not necessary and this is one of them. so no, everything doesnt need to be celebrated with both parents together.

[gemmani]

As long as the child is getting love and support from both parents, and the parents are in relationships that are happy and healthy, then it doesn't matter if things are done seperately or together. My stepkids don't expect mom and dad to do things together. But they have fun regardless. And the thing is, it's not even me that's saying no to family day. BM refuses to meet me. Fiance isn't going alone, so there you go. She'd love a family day without me there, but that's not going to happen. I'm part of the equation so everyone has to get used to it. Period.