The other women

[stepmom2be]

Ok so, here is my story.

I have looked for a site to post this for some time and just happen to come across your site tonight, interesting enough ... today seems to be ONE OF THOSE DAYS....

I am the wife. My husband had an affair with a 22 year old, she intentionally got pregnant (even before being pregnant lied about being pregnant) ... after she was found he was married.

I guess sometimes they don't understand, they will never leave their wife.. the wife will have to leave them.

Well... My husband and I worked things out ... I even "allowed" them to maintain a relationship during her WHOLE pregnancy...

Then about 1.5 months before the due date she wanted to have sex with my husband, he said NO and so the drama began!

Don't get me wrong there was drama before this, she was always back and forth with everything using the unborn child as currency.. dangerous but true.

Anyway.. after he said no she ripped the carpet out from under him. He was at every doctor appt, he was there for the whole thing even willing to be her coach ... wanted to be there for his child. Well.. as well all know, that wasn't going to work. Well .. He said no to her sexual advances and of course she wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

They remained (sort of) social talking every now and then but not nearly like they were before, she decided she didn't want him at the hospital and wanted him to have nothing to do with his child...

My husband was really upset by this and one night had a terrible dream she lost the baby, he went up there late at night, calling her on the way, she invited him in and then apparently called the police. He was arrested and put in jail. She text messaged me at that point to tell me he was in jail that "someone" had called the cops because of where he parked, and that he had the keys to his truck. I tried to get in touch with her all weekend to get the keys to my truck and nothing. She didn't want me to contact her.

Well On Monday my husband was released with no charges however.. she was able to put a no contact order no him just because she wanted to .. don't ask. Anyway.. she turned in his keys to the police station and we went to get the truck.

This was ONE month before the birth of the child. The little girl was born in February. He has never seen his child. He filed paternity paperwork directly after we found out she was born and hired a lawyer but right now.. he is NOT feeling like he has anything.

Patnerity was done and he is in fact the father however she would NOT agree to let him see his child unless it is supervised. Now keep in mind he can have NO contact with the childs mother .. there was never abuse or anything, he was upset and scared and went to talk to her .. she let him in and then called the cops on him.. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA .. .

The whole thing is very frustrating because he is by RIGHTS the father and right now the court system and his lawyer are doing nothing. A GAL is being assigned and hopefully that will help ..

It has taken me a lot to get past how this child was created but I love this child as part of my husband. We have no children together, completely my choice. I am a career women and would rather not. However we put a lot of time and effort into nursery and everything for this little girl. He even helped pick out the name.

It is getting frustrating as it doesn't seem like there is anything we can do and all this is because .. he picked me over her... WOW! HE was married to me and she knew it. Am i completely wrong for thinking that that child and I are the only innocent parties in this.

When I first found out she was pregnant her and I tried to be friends. I tried to be there for her and bought her baby books and journals and such, well as we all know that didn't last and that will never be. I tried to be the bigger person.. I guess I am running out of patience. It just seems that my husband is going through all this and she is be "rewarded" for her immature behavior. Being rewarded for using this child as currency. I just don't understand!

Anyone know anywhere I can go or anything I can do.

We are at the stage now just last week paternity was determined however no court order was put out there for visitation or anything. She has to agree, how is that right? I am so confused!

[tellit]

Good morning and welcome to our board,

I will say first that you seem to have handled the situation very maturely. I can't tell you that I would that forgiving and understanding if my DH were to have placed me in this circumstance. I might have pulled a Lorena Bobbitt on him. LOL! And you stayed with him? Wow! You are a trooper.

Your DH wasn't CONVICTED of anything right? Does he have an order of protection against him? If so, has it gone to trial yet? If he hasn't been convicted of any domestic abuse crimes, it will help him. If it has, BM can use that to request supervised visitation. He should be able to file for custody or at least visitation with his child. Until there is a court order for visitation, BM does not have to let him see the child...wrong but true.

If your DH does seek custody or visitation, he should try to have it ordered that they meet in a public place to exchange custody. This way he will decrease the chances of BM pulling another, "He hit me" on him.

[gemmani]

Wow....I'm sorry you went through that. I must say, you are a bigger person than I would be in that situation. I don't think I would be able to deal with that, so many props to you.

Like Tellit said, the only way to gain some sort of leverage with the BM is to get a court order for visitation. Be real specific about what points you want in the order, such as doing pick-ups/ drop-offs in a public place, specifying which parent will be resposible for transportation, etc.

Since you decided to stay in the marriage, you and your DH must present a united front. Decisions that affect your household require your imput. Make sure your DH talks to you about every single thing that occurs, at the time the events happen. This chick (wh*re) already managed to get in between your relationship previously, make sure she doesn't get another chance. Make it apparent that you and DH are a TEAM, and you will help parent that child AS A TEAM. If she doesn't like it, well no one told her to get pregnant by a married man.

[youknowwhatitis]

Come on tellit and ladies.............the girl is 22 obviously, young, silly and painfully naive. She probably had the baby for two fold reasons the man and the money. She knows as long as she has the baby she'll get the money but since he doesn't want to be a family she just may not want him involved. This situation is just as much HIS fault as hers.................he probably lied about being married..........he cheated on his WIFE.........he was supposed to have the commitment to HER..........not his BM. He had unprotected sex with the young woman knowing FULL WELL he had a WIFE. No wonder the poor thing is confused. I feel sorry for her. And I also feel sorry for the wife............I can understand why she is not leaving she may not want to disrupt her life and social circle. But the road will be hard. Give BM a few years to mature and realize their are other fish in the sea and eventually she will probably come around with the child. She is hurt not because he didn't leave the wife but she is young and probably wondering how the hell did she get herself into this mess. With respect and proper understanding all three of ya'll should go to counseling Imma step out on a limb here and say this could work. It can be drama free if people don't try to impose their will on anyone else. You two stay a couple and don't try to ice BM out with child.....welcome them both for the childs sake......if she knows you're not going to divorce....trust me she will eventually back off and pursue other options.

[gemmani]

OMG, of course her BD is in the wrong!! I never said otherwise. But I didn't see the point of mentioning that when she already stated they decided to stay together, kind of like beating a dead horse with a stick.
I agree with Tellit, the wife did give her DH too much leeway with BM, enough to think they could carry on their relationship. I really think they need to be a united front with BM. No disrespect, but setting boundaries and getting to know BD's rights as the father. BM is acting very young right now, keeping BD away. That's not in the child's best interest at all. Then again, having the baby to keep the man isn't in anyone's best interests. Unfortuantely, the OP is dealing with a very immature female right now. Reasoning and logic doesn't work on people like that. They are going to have to be assertive with their rights, and make sure all the details are included in the court order.