Question?

[wbmama]

Have any of you ever tried this or know of anyone who has....

The child is very young - the BMD is bad - the dad walks away for some time (some months, some years - whatever)....He still pays his c/s, sends cards, calls the child, maybe even visits with the child every once in a while

Sometimes it seems like all this drama affects your other kids and your marriage too much and in some ways is really hurting the child involved.

[Keia]

Honey let me tell you a few things. Sometimes BM's just want to cause the BD problems it's a revenge type thing. He may have hurt the BM pretty bad. You sometimes are so focused on the man you don't understand that he may have really mistreated this woman and that's why she's acting like that. He want to hurt him back. Not all BM's are jealous of the relationship you have. A lot of times some of the drama is designed to keep him out of her child's life, because she's happier that way. Most women don't like to share their kids with anyone they aren't with with. It not right but it's true. They just want the financial support from them that's it. Also BD girlfriends are really upset that their will always be another woman lurking around and getting money from what is now their man. So to me BM drama is a 2 way street. It's really a sticky situation. The best way to handle it is too not talk to the woman other than hello and goodbye and keep your comments about her to yourself or tell your bestfriends not your man. She had a child with him before you were around so to be honest she doesn't care that you are around. BM drama will cease if you don't feed into it. Stop advising your men on what to do because your opinions are biased. You are really worried about keeping that man and that money to yourself not his child. Trust me, BM's know this, so they won't take you seriously. Just because your the wife doesn't men your better than her you just may be better suited for him than her. Have some integrity and just stay out of it. It's causing problems in your relationships because you won't stay out of it. When you stay out of it, it's stay's out of your relationship. Don't let her ruin your relationship if you do she wins.

[downazzchick]

I haven't personally, but i'm sure your husband is the one feeling the most pain. He has to try to fix it on both ends. The longer he stays away from the Drama the harder it will be to go back. It is all a game to the baby mama so she has geared up while he has been gone and is ready to fire. Poor thing.

[Tell it like it is]

To the guest that recommends to "stay out of it."
Obviously, you aren't married or you would never say "Stay out of it." When you marry, you marry ALL of the person.
When your DH hurts, you hurt and your family suffers.
Causing drama to keep a man out of a child's life is called PARENTAL ALIENATION.
My former sister in law had to learn this the hard way. She played games with my brother, had him arrested, would not let him see his children, etc. But, God protects his children from attack. That same game playing, lying, parental alienator, rushed out of the courtroom screaming when the judge took custody from her and gave custody to my brother.
My brother did not respond to any of his exes antics. Instead, he documented them and took he to court. The judge warned BM several times but she thought that he would not take the kids away. That was 9 years ago and my brother still has full custody. BM has visitation. But, my brother is not about drama. Anytime BM asks to get kids, he allows her to. Even if it is not her scheduled visitation time.
My point is that it is not right to cause drama for the purpose of keeping the man away. Children need BOTH parents. If you have a BD who wants to be a part of his child's life, let him.
My mom tried to keep my dad away from me, so I know how it feels as a child. I love my mom but I still resent her to this day. I missed so much time with my dad who turned out to be my best friend. My mom, I must admit it, was a baby mama with drama. She bad mouthed my dad every chance she could get. She had me scared of my dad. But, my dad loved me and kept visiting me. He showed me what a man is supposed to be. My dad always encouraged me to be the best that I can. My dad has passed now but his influence over me is strong. My dad was the most kindest, patient, and understanding person I have ever known. I miss him so much .
Now, I am a stepmom and I make certain that I don't interfere with my DH's visitation with his daughter.

[wbmama]

Ms. Keia - I just caught a sentence in your post. You said, "You are really worried about keeping that man and that money to yourself not his child" . You have no idea what you are talking about. We pay child support without argument or complaint.

It sounds to me like you are a BM who is perhaps, in a much different situation with your BD. This is not about money - its about respect. And the BM I'm dealing with doesn't even have that word in her vocabulary.

Don't assume

[Tell it like it is]

"Sometimes BM's just want to cause the BD problems it's a revenge type thing. He may have hurt the BM pretty bad. You sometimes are so focused on the man you don't understand that he may have really mistreated this woman and that's why she's acting like that. He want to hurt him back. Not all BM's are jealous of the relationship you have. A lot of times some of the drama is designed to keep him out of her child's life, because she's happier that way. Most women don't like to share their kids with anyone they aren't with with."

The is a quote from one of our guest.
What this quote demonstrates is the childishness of some BMs.
Most women have been hurt by a man at some point in our lifetime. Most women pull themselves up by the bootstraps and move on. But then, there are some women who are childish and spend too much energy focused on the man. Those women are wasting their time and blocking their own blessings.
The man has moved on with their lives...Thus the new wife, children, etc. You show me a baby mama with drama and I will show you a LONELY, angry, bitter woman. I say lonely because no other man is going to put of with his woman expending that much effort, attention, and energy on her child's father. That man will run for the hills!! No man wants to play second fiddle to another man.
Until that BM grows up and moves on, she will continue to block her blessing. God may have something and someone else better in store for her.

My DH's BM is unmarried, angry, and bitter. I can't tell you how many times she has emailed and called my DH to tell him how angry she is with him. But, BM must take some responsibility. You see, BM slept with his bestfriend and so he broke up with her.
BM is angry that he did not stay with her, but she has never apologized for sleeping with his childhood friend. He lost her & his bestfriend. But, she is ANGRY with him. It is about taking responsibility. She has noone to be angry with expect herself.

BM angry with me for meeting DH & marrying him. She has physically assaulted me, verbally assaulted me, you name it. All because she is angry about him walking away from her over 13 years ago....She has been so focused on her anger that she has run every good man away from her. She has dated good men but what man wants to hear about another man - ALL OF THE TIME??

And, to say that a BM's drama is to keep him out of the child's life...How selfish and childish is that? That is a baby mama who does not care about her child. Unless the father is abusive (verbally, physically, etc) to the child, the BM should put her child's needs above that of her own. And, when two parents are not together, it ceases to be about the BM. It is about the child.

[wbmama]

Tell It -- I noticed you said BITTER....that is my favorite word when it comes to my BM.
Bitter and selfish sums her up!!

[jusdntundstn]

"You are really worried about keeping that man and that money to yourself not his child. "

If you are the type of woman who is trying to build something with your man so that he can support his kids on his own time (sheduled visits) and his own dime (getting the child what they need when then are in the presence of their father) THEN THIS QUOTE MEANS NUTHING..Pay childsupport to who? A MAN CAN ONLY BE THE FATHERS THEY KNOW HOW TO BE! NOT THE FATHER THESE BM'S WANT THEM TO BE! A lot of these bm's with drama never had that type of father figure that Tell It Like It Is described. So they try to form their bd's into that figure they never had. DONT TAKE IT OUT ON YOUR BD'S, MAYBE YOUR MOMMA'S RAN YOUR DADDYS AWAY JUST AS YOUR DOING WITH YOUR KIDS FATHER!

[downazzchick]

I like that quote, it is so true. BM will son get tired and realize she wasted a lot of time being bitter and angry.

[ics3hnc]

I agree with some of what you said and you all seem to be decent women. But how many decent women are there to non-decent. We all know some crazy BM's and some nasty step mom's. What I am saying is that as a gf of a BD it has been my experience that most of these women are about money. As a BM my primary concern is and always will be financial support and good parenting for my child. I have not been priviledged THANK GOD to still have any feeling at all for BD I depise him. But I've went on with my life and I am happy. I spent about a year as a single mom before meeting my new boo. So I know how it feels to be on the other side. Some women complain about how much money the man spends on the child and vice versa. It's never an easy situation. But you are I shouldn't just assume you are one of those non-decent women. With my man I just don't comment on what he does for his kid, or for his BM. I play my part cause I don't know what it's like to be in her shoes. But it must be hard. No you don't have to take abuse, but some BM have real emotional issues and she may be taking them out on your family. But lets be honest is there a clear cut solution to this problem. NO.