Involuntary Clinging

[daddyinpdx]

Can anyone provide the board with an example of how involuntary Clinging, (I.E. going through with the threats in order to avoid the drama) to the BM caused drama?


My drama came from the following:

1.) Being passive to BM when she kept threathening me with paying child support through the courts and breaking our personal agreement.

Example: I agreed to provide health /dental insurance, clothes and $300.00 per month.

My BM would threathen to put a court order on me everytime she needed extra monies outside of our agreement. My involuntary clinging to this "foolishness" I thought would stop the drama, but once she saw that she could get her way, it just continued with more intense Drama.

2.) I failed to set boundaries that protected me and my new mate. BM would call late a night to drop off kids. If I said no, then the threats would ensue. I just folded in order to get through the drama.

3.) I used to drop what I needed to do for myself in order to rescue my BM out of her self concocted dilemas, i.e not paying her rent, loosing he job, not getting a job, and lack of transportation.

I never allowed for my BM to take responsibility for "herself". I always played by her rules in order to not "rock the boat" and have the courts up in my business.

So how did the DH or BD play into the involuntary Clinging of their BM and thus causing more DRAMA?

[gemmani]

(My theory on the CAUSE of the clinging)
Well, I think that has to do with the type of person they are and how 'grown up' they were when they got pregnant, and not necessarily a BM trait. (I'm talking about the type of BMs we deal with, not all. Just keeping the peace:)
If you have a woman who hasn't really got her ish together, never really learned how to be self-sufficient and independent, then she'll continue to depend on others (BD) to get by. Also, these women are mentally immature, so these tactics kill 2 birds with 1 stone: They get BD to do what they want and they never have to take responsibility for themselves, and they still get to control BD.

BDs play into these games because they aren't hip to their rights. In a lot of instances, child support would leave them paying LESS than not having a court order, simply because BM uses her tactics to get extra money from BD on top of what he gives her. (I'm talking about a caring, responsible BD, not the deadbeats.) Of course, that didn't happen in my case b/c BM's a really good forger of receipts. But I digress.

I think that when a man has a child with a woman that he is no longer with, he feels obligation and major guilt because he's no longer with his kids everyday, the kids grow up in a broken home, etc. No matter how ridiculous the request, BDs do it "for the kids".
BM will continue to ask of BD, because BD gives in. BM knows that all she has to do is scream threats, and BD will cave. BM gets more and more bold, because she knows that she can hold the kids over him. If BD is in a relationship, BM is trying to show the new woman that SHE still controls BD. Of course the new woman isn't having it. So BD is getting it from both sides, his woman and BM.
BDs in this situation need to grow a set and set boundaries.

[jaylady999]

Sept 5, 2008 7:28:02 GMT -5 gemmani said:

I think that when a man has a child with a woman that he is no longer with, he feels obligation and major guilt because he's no longer with his kids everyday, the kids grow up in a broken home, etc. No matter how ridiculous the request, BDs do it "for the kids".

this right here is what i know for a fact happened with my DH. his was a combination of feeling guilty about being in the house on a daily with me and my son while his children were not seeing him daily, and the other part of it was the guilt she threw at him for all the years of cheating and foolishness he put on her. now as far as the years of dogging her that he did, i blame some of her for that too. he did it, she let him. they are both at fault. but even now after we've been together for 7 years, she needs to let it go. he has apologized to her and is trying to make up for it by being the wonderful father that he is. so thats that. as for the guilt associated with not being with his children on a daily, well, i can sort of understand that in the beginning. and to be honest, she doesnt threaten him with anything, she did more of playing on his guilt to get what she wants more than anything. and used to work, he used to would jump for her anytime she called him. i can honestly say i was blessed blessed blessed to have my now MIL on my side. so i really didnt have to do too much getting involved, she did it for me and i never asked her to. she just didnt like seeing her son being made a fool of. which is exactly what i saw happening to him. i didnt go there with him becuz i knew eventually, the more he did, the more she'd ask him to do and at some point, the light would shine and he'd see the situation for what it really was and I WOULD NOT MARRY HIM UNTIL HE STRAIGHTENED HIS SITUATION OUT. so here we are, with very minimal BMD and i really didnt have to get involved at all.

[gemmani]

I remember when I had had enough of the guilty behavior. BM had fiance take the kids every night of the week, then again on weekends, saying she "needs a break". He was paying her rent, bills, everything for the kids. I had enough and told him that if that's what he wanted to do, then go for custody. I told him that if he was going to cater to BM's every need, then there was no room for our relationship and I didn't want to stick around for that. After we hung up the phone, 20 minutes later he was at my house. he had called BM, told her that he was done being used by her and that he would get the kids on the weekend. As you can guess, she kept the kids away from him after that until he took her to court for visitation, and for her CS. (fiance was going to file CS himself, but they told him BM has to do it.)
But I actually had to WRITE out everything he does and spends for them for him to realize that he isn't a deadbeat (that's what BM called him) and he really looks out for the kids. He had to see it visually, to really get it. (Same method he used a year later to get me to move in with him.) Obviously, I'M to blame for her not being able to control him any longer. Cry me a river.
But I put my foot down, and refused to settle for BM being a priority over me and our relationship. Lucky for me, he totally understood and agreed with me.

[daddyinpdx]

Lol, brotha man took inventory and go gangsta. That's right.