BM DRAMA B/C OF FAMILY

[Kiwi]

Maybe you all can help me with a situation I've been dealing with for 18 months. My son is 18 months old. My and BD were off an on during the pregnancy. I had a difficult pregnancy so I couldn't work and was on bedrest and pelvic rest a lot plus I had high blood pressure and preterm labor. To top it off I had a c-section. We had an agreement prior to the baby being born that he would give me some money every week since I was not working and would not be able to work for a while until I got daycare set up for the baby and everything. Also I am a college student who planned on going back to college so I was only gonna work part-time. He made 40,000 a year and stayed with his mom. I had my own house and car that's payed for. He helped out with a few bills and gas. He voluntarily acknowledged paternity at the hospital for my son. The first we after my son was born he gave me 90.00. Kept starting arguments and acting like he didn't want me to hold my own son. First he was going to use FMLA to help me out for few weeks. Then he acted like he just had to go work. His sis live in Chicago, she was coming wanted to see the baby. I told him prior to her coming that I would keep him for the 1st six months then he could start getting him overnight. He want's to come and get the baby at 2 wks old. Not to mention my son was really spitty and often choked on his spit up. I told him he could come and get me and the baby I didn't trust him alone with him cuz he's careless or he could bring his sister to me. He got irrate and told me I was not going to tell him how to be a father. 2nd week refused to give me any money. Knowing I had bills. Told me my electric bill at the house was my responsibility. Finally fed up with arguing in pain from my c-section. I just quit talkin to him I didn't need the drama or stress. He told me I didn't have anything to offer him.

Later on that week he got in a car accident hit a concrete median speeding in the rain. Turns out he was on paid leave from his job going out of town to visit a friend. End's up with a Traumatic Brain Injury (God don't like ugly). His sis came to the hospital I was picking up bad vibes from her. She tell's me " Don't feel obligated to come to the hospital to see him if it bother's me." I let her have it. 2 weeks later they switch hospitals her and her mom won't tell me where he is saying she only wan'ts immediate family to see him.

He gets out the rehab hospital FEb 07. Doesn't come and see the baby, no body in his family calls to check on him or anything. Never gives me a dime for him with his disability from his job. So I had already applied for c-support after he refused to give me $$. They send him a letter ordering hiim to pay 554.00 based off his short term disability. Now all of a sudden his family wan't a paternity test. The accident happened 10/27/06. My child is almost a year old now they want a paternity test. after they came to my baby shower and came out to the hospital to see me when I had him. Got the Paternity test as part of c-support enforcement. He IS the dad. Now I get 700.00 a month from his SSDI that they didn't even tell me he applied for. I just happened to have his SS# and I kept checking on it. and I got a retro check for 5400.00 dec 07. He had only seen our son 2 x. I sent his family pictures of him b 4 the paternity test stuff. Now I send them nothing and they are not allowed to see him. Only the father if he chooses and I really don't want him to see him. He left a message of on my mom's answering service saying that i TRICKED HIM

[lovejones08]

Sister, your situation proves how important it is to really evaluate the pros and cons when sleeping with a man because he will be the same person after you have his baby. Unfortunately, you shouldn't place your focus and energy on making him do something he's not ready to do for whatever reason. Place your focus on your own happiness and the ultimate well being of the child. He will have to answer questions to his child about his absence, but always leave the door open for him to be a part because it's not about you it's about the child and even though you can't stand him it's still your child's father. The one you chose to be your child's father. It's not an easy thing to come to terms with because we get caught up in the love hype and hoping that a person will change and mature under particular circumstances. not true at all. His family may be an influence, but they are not the ones to blame. He is grown; therefore, old enough to make his own d**n decisions regardless of what his family says. Trying to figure him out will just burn you out. It's not about you and him anymore it's about the child. Get your court orders, let it go, move on with your life and find true happiness. Pray for him and your child.

[wbmama]

WOW - what a story. First of all, my opinion on Grandparents or aunts/uncles who are a**holes...I know this personally - you CANNOT keep your child from them unless you are concerned for the child's safety. Just because they've treated you badly does not mean they will be bad grandparents. And if you are the one who denies the child the chance to know his family, it will only hurt you in the long run.

Same goes for the dad.

I agree w/ lovejones08 - you have to move on. Find your own happiness, let go of this anger towards your BD - or it will drive you insane. Choose to be thankful for him being part of your life- he gave you a great gift, your child.

You've been thru a lot. Turn that life experience into something positive.

Read about some of these crazy a** BM's - you don't want to be that!!! You're smarter and stronger than what we deal with!

[Kiwi]

Thanks that really helped. I am 8 months away from graduating from a 2 yr RN program so I put that anger to good use. I am beginning to realize that I can start over and put that behind me. As for the grandparents/aunt....they know that they were wrong and they choose not to come around because of that. Plus they know I can't stand them. But Im realizing that why be angry and let them steal me joy if they ever come around I'm going to be just as happy as when they weren't around. NO MORE POWER OVER ME.

[downazzchick]

You have the right idea. I'm sure that when he wants to step up and be a father he will. As for the family, you have to deal with them too. If they ask for your son to be involved you should make the effort to let him see them. So if they invite you to a family get together or birthday party take him. Stay for only a short while if you have to just to say you made some type of effort. Also if they request to come get him, let him go. At first make it a day trip and then when you feel confortable let him stay the night. I guarantee if his sister comes to get him he will see his Daddy. You are doing everything to get your life in order and should not be worried about what he is doing. Sounds like he has his hands full anyway. U go girl! Be the best you can and don't let others get in your way!