Post by gemmani on Sept 10, 2008 8:54:17 GMT -5
I know we all go back and forth a lot, SM vs. BM. Both sides have valid points, and both have times where things are seen from their viewpoint ONLY.
But right now, I'm just going to speak as an SM.
.........Well, I will officially be SM next Friday, but we're going to ignore that.
When fiance and I first met, we were nothing but friends. He had just gotten out of jail because BM had falsely accused him of hitting her. I knew he had 3 young kids, but didn't think anything of it. I didn't care, he wasn't my man.
Now, I don't have any children. There was my sister and myself (along with my illegitimate half brother, but back then i didn't like him much) growing up. Our parents spoiled us (and still do). It was soooooo HARD to adjust to having three small kids around every weekend who constantly needed something. It was all about ME.
I remember being resentful of them. I didn't like not having then-bf's full attention. They didn't know me well then either, so I felt left out and not a part of their little "clique". Then BM was calling non-stop and anything she said, he did. I became more resentful. BM became more and more demanding of him. At this time, she had heard about me through the kids. She made up that bogus story about me hitting the oldest one in the face and throwing her against the wall. I didn't want to be around the kids anymore then. I had told then-bf that I wasn't comfortable being accused of abusing a child and that it would be better for me to stay away. He wasn't having that, and convinced me to stay around. Fine.
Little by little, the kids would warm up to me. But with one comment from their mom, they would act cold to me, saying mommy didn't like me. Fiance was running around trying to keep BM happy, and I felt like I was dead last on his list, not to mention still feeling left out. He was good at trying to balance me with the kids, but I felt like I wanted ALL of his attention. I suffered to get past that.
About 8-9 months into the relationship, I had had enough. I told him that he can't expect to keep me around while still catering to BM. I told him maybe its better that we break this off. Twenty minutes later, he was at my door with BM on the phone, telling her that he's done with all of her ridiculous requests and that she now needs to learn how to support herself. She didn't like that, kept the kids away for two months.
Now at this time, then-bf was on a major campaign to get me to move in with him. he wanted us living together so I can get used to the kids and vice versa. So I moved in with him........
OH MY GOD......it was the hardest period of my life at that point. Adjusting to the kids waking up at 5am, hearing them scream and bang things, then-bf was running after them and leaving me with little attention..........I was feeling majorly sorry for myself. I basically stayed in my room when they came over, coming out only when necessary. It didn't help that we also had roommates and they had their own baby. FULL HOUSE. I hated coming home, especially on the weekends with the kids. Then add to the fact that they would repeat what BM was saying, I wanted them to disappear.
I had many, many doubts about my ability to remain in the relationship. I would buy any and every book on step parenting (they had nothing for a GF living with a BD). I read forums like this, articles, anything that might help me with this situation, because I truly did love him and wanted to be with him.
I was better at getting along with the kids, and the things that kids do started to bother me less. They started being more consistent in liking me, and the oldest had confessed to me (5 years old at that time) that even though her mother didn't like me, SHE does because I'm always nice.
I remember wishing that he never got BM pregnant in the first place. I had wished that the last child was never born, I hated the fact that they had to really co-parent with a young baby, on top of two toddlers. Not to mention, she was just born so I was scared of the bond that may have remained with BF and BM. Now, she's two, and the prettiest, FUNNIEST little girl in the world to me. I love those kids to pieces and they love me right back, to the point where they will stand up for me to their mom when she's saying something nasty. (we spoke to them about that though. Must respect mom, and I'm an adult. Don't need little kids defending me, but I was so touched at the gesture.)
I've done so much growing up over the past 2 years, that my mom doesn't recognize me as the spoiled, self-centered girl I was before. The silly things that bothered me, like him already having kids so ours wouldn't be the first time for both of us, seem so silly now. Instead, I just have 3 ready-made kids now. I see how hard it is to have 3 kids on the weekends, so I can slightly understand how hard it is for BM and why she NEEDS child support.
I have to say that being a SM is NOT for the faint of heart. If you haven't walked in our shoes, you would never understand the feelings and drama that we go through. We have to come to terms with A LOT of things beyond our control. Get ready to either do a lot of maturing really fast, or go out of your mind and run.
So I really resent when I hear that I'm just jealous of BM, and that I'm "fronting" when I say its about the kids. It took me a LONG time to get to this point, and I'll be d**ned if someone is going to question my motivations regarding BMD. My family may not be a standard nuclear family, but I worked my a$$ off to get to the point where I feel like I'm part of the family and that I really do matter a lot, to let BM try to mess it up with her bitter jealousy. I won't let it happen, ever. I love my family.
So here I am, only 9 days until we make our family official with our wedding. I think about where I started, and where I am now, and it really makes me happy. Yeah, it was two years of building trust, it was stressful, I felt like giving up, etc. Not to mention the continuous garbage from BM. But it was totally worth it.
Sorry, this was so long, just in a pensive mood.
But right now, I'm just going to speak as an SM.
.........Well, I will officially be SM next Friday, but we're going to ignore that.
When fiance and I first met, we were nothing but friends. He had just gotten out of jail because BM had falsely accused him of hitting her. I knew he had 3 young kids, but didn't think anything of it. I didn't care, he wasn't my man.
Now, I don't have any children. There was my sister and myself (along with my illegitimate half brother, but back then i didn't like him much) growing up. Our parents spoiled us (and still do). It was soooooo HARD to adjust to having three small kids around every weekend who constantly needed something. It was all about ME.
I remember being resentful of them. I didn't like not having then-bf's full attention. They didn't know me well then either, so I felt left out and not a part of their little "clique". Then BM was calling non-stop and anything she said, he did. I became more resentful. BM became more and more demanding of him. At this time, she had heard about me through the kids. She made up that bogus story about me hitting the oldest one in the face and throwing her against the wall. I didn't want to be around the kids anymore then. I had told then-bf that I wasn't comfortable being accused of abusing a child and that it would be better for me to stay away. He wasn't having that, and convinced me to stay around. Fine.
Little by little, the kids would warm up to me. But with one comment from their mom, they would act cold to me, saying mommy didn't like me. Fiance was running around trying to keep BM happy, and I felt like I was dead last on his list, not to mention still feeling left out. He was good at trying to balance me with the kids, but I felt like I wanted ALL of his attention. I suffered to get past that.
About 8-9 months into the relationship, I had had enough. I told him that he can't expect to keep me around while still catering to BM. I told him maybe its better that we break this off. Twenty minutes later, he was at my door with BM on the phone, telling her that he's done with all of her ridiculous requests and that she now needs to learn how to support herself. She didn't like that, kept the kids away for two months.
Now at this time, then-bf was on a major campaign to get me to move in with him. he wanted us living together so I can get used to the kids and vice versa. So I moved in with him........
OH MY GOD......it was the hardest period of my life at that point. Adjusting to the kids waking up at 5am, hearing them scream and bang things, then-bf was running after them and leaving me with little attention..........I was feeling majorly sorry for myself. I basically stayed in my room when they came over, coming out only when necessary. It didn't help that we also had roommates and they had their own baby. FULL HOUSE. I hated coming home, especially on the weekends with the kids. Then add to the fact that they would repeat what BM was saying, I wanted them to disappear.
I had many, many doubts about my ability to remain in the relationship. I would buy any and every book on step parenting (they had nothing for a GF living with a BD). I read forums like this, articles, anything that might help me with this situation, because I truly did love him and wanted to be with him.
I was better at getting along with the kids, and the things that kids do started to bother me less. They started being more consistent in liking me, and the oldest had confessed to me (5 years old at that time) that even though her mother didn't like me, SHE does because I'm always nice.
I remember wishing that he never got BM pregnant in the first place. I had wished that the last child was never born, I hated the fact that they had to really co-parent with a young baby, on top of two toddlers. Not to mention, she was just born so I was scared of the bond that may have remained with BF and BM. Now, she's two, and the prettiest, FUNNIEST little girl in the world to me. I love those kids to pieces and they love me right back, to the point where they will stand up for me to their mom when she's saying something nasty. (we spoke to them about that though. Must respect mom, and I'm an adult. Don't need little kids defending me, but I was so touched at the gesture.)
I've done so much growing up over the past 2 years, that my mom doesn't recognize me as the spoiled, self-centered girl I was before. The silly things that bothered me, like him already having kids so ours wouldn't be the first time for both of us, seem so silly now. Instead, I just have 3 ready-made kids now. I see how hard it is to have 3 kids on the weekends, so I can slightly understand how hard it is for BM and why she NEEDS child support.
I have to say that being a SM is NOT for the faint of heart. If you haven't walked in our shoes, you would never understand the feelings and drama that we go through. We have to come to terms with A LOT of things beyond our control. Get ready to either do a lot of maturing really fast, or go out of your mind and run.
So I really resent when I hear that I'm just jealous of BM, and that I'm "fronting" when I say its about the kids. It took me a LONG time to get to this point, and I'll be d**ned if someone is going to question my motivations regarding BMD. My family may not be a standard nuclear family, but I worked my a$$ off to get to the point where I feel like I'm part of the family and that I really do matter a lot, to let BM try to mess it up with her bitter jealousy. I won't let it happen, ever. I love my family.
So here I am, only 9 days until we make our family official with our wedding. I think about where I started, and where I am now, and it really makes me happy. Yeah, it was two years of building trust, it was stressful, I felt like giving up, etc. Not to mention the continuous garbage from BM. But it was totally worth it.
Sorry, this was so long, just in a pensive mood.
. But anyway, when you get involved with a man with children, you definitely have to work your way in and around the situation so that the kids grow to love you genuinely despite what their mother may say about you. One thing about kids(and dogs), they are an excellent judge of character, so in your case, it was good that you were ni their life on a constant because now they know that despite what their mother says about you, you SHOW them differently about the kind of person you are. those children love you and not sure how you worked out them attending your wedding, but i am sure you worked it out. BM gone be pissed and you can just smile inside cuz you know that this chick aint stopped no show no matter what she tried to do to sabotage the relationship you have with your BF, and even worse for her, soon to be your DH. We want pics of the wedding when you get them too! Look at my wedding below video for inspiration(if you can youtube at work). When you get to the 42 second mark, you will see my son and SS walking down the ailse hand in hand together cuz their mommy and daddy married that day and they truly became sister and brother in love. We turned all kind of tricks to make sure my stepkids were there just to have those memories that will last a lifetime. Click the link and enjoy! 
Awwwww, I was just thinking the other day "Did gem have her wedding yet?" Best wishes on ur day...You've def earned it! ;D 
LOL 
then i am sure it was confirmed when she picked them up and saw her daughters hair in the cute curls from the wedding as opposed to the french braids she put in her hair.