Am I rushing?

[memyslfni]

So I've mentioned me and bf been together 3 yrs..living together 1 1/2...there's also our daughter together and my son from previous...His parenting issues with his kids momma's...My thing is, All this and no real commitment...I know where his heart is and I know he may have a lil fear of making that next step..and I am just as scared as he is but I didnt come this far to allow his bm to say he shouldnt bring his kids around until we get married...So I told him what If I want to get to know them and vise versa before we get married (lets keep in mind he has a 13 yr old daughter)...and he explains that he knows how I feel and how he needs me to help him in dealing with these issues...I know its his bm trying to keep that wedge between us, in hopes that it doesnt get that far...(and she does a great job of it). Cuz theres been plenty a time where I just wanted to quit...The other bm just waiting for us to come get them...Sooo before he left to work (which he stays gone for weeks at a time) we made a pact that in 3 yrs we'd be where WE wanted to be...which is married, in a house and doing things as a family.....I've only met his kids once, and I feel its only right that they get to know me before we take that next step...So I told him that we dont have to get married right away but we can be engaged and working on these issues, that way we have something solid to work off of...(And everyone knows how serious we really are).....Sooo what I need to know from ya'll is am I doing the right thing ?...I love this man and I want more for us and our family...

[jaylady999]

My opinion, and I understand where you are becuz I've been there too, is that you are doing the right thing. I understand how you feel and I agree you should not be married before you get to know his children. Its amazing the mind games these BM's put on their BD's and the garbage we deal with as their women. My DH and I didnt get engaged until we had been together 4 years and by the time we married, it was 5 years and I know for a fact what slowed our progress down was the BM issues. I refused to go into a marriage with him having any major issues with her. Its one thing to be the girlfriend, but I just couldnt see being his wife and watching another female(BM or not) manipulate my husband. Whole new ballgame there. Men say some of the dumbish -ish when it comes to the BM. It has nothing to do with the BM per se, but moreso with trying to keep things peaceful as to not rock boats when it comes to them for the sake of the kids. I remember right around year number 3 of our relationship, DH casually mentioned that he'd probably have to wait to BM got married to someone else before he got married. Um yeah ok. You crazy if you think I am gonna wait for another chick to marry before I marry you. All so she wont have a hissy fit when she finds out and possibly stop him from seeing his kids. Now what kinda mess is that. I politely told him, with his thinking, he'll be lonely and single for a long time, cuz I wasnt the one. Yeah well evidently he got the memo, cuz we have been married for 2 years next month, and BM still aint.

As for your situation, hang on in there. Follow your heart where it leads you and pay attention to small details. Your plan sounds like a good one. You both have something solid to work towards, like you said. So at least you know where you're headed. I definitely think you should be bonding with the kid(s)now though, it will make it all that more special once you're married to then be able to really call them yours as well

[gemmani]

Waiting until you get married to meet his kids is a really, really, really bad idea. Both you and the child need time to adjust to each other and make sure that it fits. I moved in with my then-bf after a year because I needed to see if I could handle having the kids around all the time before we took the next step. It was very hard, but I'm so happy I did that. I had to adjust to the kids, they had to adjust to me, and fiance had to adjust to the fact that there's another adult around and I must be considered as well.

Your bf has to put his foot down. BM cannot prevent him from bringing his daughter around. He needs to stand up to her. Plus, his daughter's 13!!!!!! It's hard enough with small kids to form a blended family, but with teenagers, you got your hormones, teenage angst, plus 13 solid years of BM's influence. I've heard that the best time for getting married when kids from a previous relationship are involved before the kid turns 9, and after they graduate high school, for adjustment purposes.

Now, on a seperate note, before you even accept the ring, your bf has to step up, big time. Trust me, you don't want to marry him while he's still afraid to upset BM. Because that will not change during your marriage and you will become super resentful. You already live with him, and you have a baby together. What more is he waiting for? Is what you have right now not important enough for him to stand up to BM? You are the mom to your SD's half sister, so she can't meet her until after the wedding? No, have him work on these issues NOW, before you even talk about marriage. It sounds like she's been dictating him from afar, and you don't want a third wheel in your relationship.
Please, whatever you do, don't settle. You have every right to demand that he step up. If he doesn't and you stay around anyway, that only shows him that he doesn't HAVE to do anything, you'll be there regardless. And that's the death toll for relationships.

[memyslfni]

Thanks gem and jay...I swear you all remind me of the sisters I've never had ...

Gem..I went to the site u referred Step Talk and I really liked it..Very good advise on there as well.....And I've actually met his kids once but its just the bonding part I'm worried about, especially with the teenager. From what I hear she is already a handful...I've seen too many movies on Lifetime where the SD tries to sabotage the relationship between her DaD and SM....Oh nooo...wont be me.... She's already a daddies gurl plus that 13 years of moms poison can be dangerous...potentially life threatening

As far as him putting his foot down, it is soon to take place. Which is why he took on this job, because once he gets back into the consistency of paying CS there will be no more excuses for bm to come with...Checks in the mail..Shut up and give me my kids...(go to CS if U want to) Oh and me and D are getting married

[jaylady999]

Thanks gem and jay...I swear you all remind me of the sisters I've never had ...

((HUGS))

As far as him putting his foot down, it is soon to take place. Which is why he took on this job, because once he gets back into the consistency of paying CS there will be no more excuses for bm to come with...Checks in the mail..Shut up and give me my kids...(go to CS if U want to) Oh and me and D are getting married


((SNICKERS))

[gemmani]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! Okay, I get it now.......he wasn't paying CS consistantly so he didn't want to make waves. Makes way more sense now.

Yup, once he has his ducks in order, catering to her goes out the window. Awesome.

Awwwwwww.....congrats on your engagement!!!!!! (Can I give you some advice? If you are anything like me and weddings aren't your thing, GO TO CITY HALL. I swear, all that $$ and stress is killing me. But only if you aren't the wedding type. Otherwise, ignore this statement.)

Watch Memyslfni...........his daughter will benefit from having her dad stand up to her mom. At least it will change her perception of him.

As for the 13 yo, take........it........slow. Don't force her to do anything. Be yourself as much aas possible. Expect some attitude (via BM). and make sure your bf, oops, your FIANCE establishes boundarieswith her. All you can demand is respect. Make sure you get it.

Good luck!!!!!!!!

[memyslfni]

Sooo the 411 is me and my honey are in the process of deciding whether we're gonna end the year with a bang and get married New Years Eve (BD Bday) LOL..Jaylady LV Style or On New Years Day to start off the new year with our new Careers/New Life together etc..(fresh start)...what do u think?

Also Gem I metioned to fiance (aww ;D) about the teen (adapting her momma's ways) and his words were She's just gonna have to accept the fact that I'm his wife and respect that.....I'm not going to force a relationship with her...I'll try my best to be there if she needs me to be...Other than that I wont expect much...But I'm pretty confident it will work out...

[jaylady999]

The best thing you can do when it comes to the kids is BE YOURSELF. Its the same self that is about to make your fiance your husband and in time, the kid(s) will see you are being natural and not phony. It is going to work out

[gemmani]

Ever so true, Jaylady. Kids can smell a fake from a mile away under a pile of garbage. If she doesn't like you, say "oh well" and continue about your business. Never try to suck up to them, doesn't work. But ALWAYS be nice.
I think y'all will be fine. I mean really now, if you haven't learned ANYTHING from this site I'll eat my arm.