BD and FAMILY CAME TO THE PARTY

[youknowwhatitis]

Low and behold BD and family came to the birthday party. It was hosted at yours truly's.......my house. I was shocked that they showed up. But I guess they figured if they didn't they would look bad considering the circumstances and I would have grounds to never invite them again. The party went smoothly...............there was no altercations. I pretty much just talked to my friends and focused on the baby. I pretty much ignored BD.............I didn't even really look at him much. I felt better that way. It seemed as though he had an attitude.......towards me..........I could sense a lil negativity coming from him because I got an increase on my CS. But whatever.............he owes my son that money. My son got lots of gifts and even 20.00 that I think I misplaced from BD's stepdad. He played in his cake and even ate a little ............I was surprised because he doesn't like sweets. We took lots of pictures. I even snapped a few with his dad....(him and his dad). Overall it went well but you know what was coming from BD's mom............who really can't stand me..................she was fakin.........here she goes, " well when we be able to come and get him some time." She caught me off guard when I was eating some cake.............I didn't want to say no.............cause then I'm hindering the relationship so it ended up coming out something like " uhhhhhhhhhhhh, well if he'll go with ya'll (I'm country) for a lil while.......(hence no overnights) but he's funny acting so..........
To which BD's mom replied well just think about it............call us.........trying to shift the responsibility to me..............I could tell in her eyes she wanted to say something nasty. But it is HARD for me to let my baby go with those people knowing what they've said and done. I've let some of the anger go but I have not forgotten..........I'm really just being mature. So now I don't know how to really go about it.............any suggestions??

[sbimiss]

I am pleased to hear that they showed up. I recall a post you wrote regarding text messages that you sent to BD informing him of the party, I instantly felt since then that he would use this opportunity to see his son. I also felt the family would be in attendance too. So, I am glad to hear things went smoothly. Things seem to be slowly progressing for you and this is a good sign for your son and his relationship with his father and family. I think that you handled yourself well and it is more than ok to have your opinions, whether they are negative or positive, about what they were thinking deep down inside. The most important thing is that they were there to support your son & to celebrate his birthday. They(BD included) are carefully trying to make the right steps to be apart of your child's life and I hope this is the first step to them going about it in the RIGHT way. In my opinion, I would see this as a great thing. I am sure you may be weary as I sense this in your post but, I think you should run with it. It is never too late for both parties to start doing the right thing for your son.

You gave them this opportunity and now, as you stated, his mother pretty much left the ball in your court as far as them taking your son for a visit. I think you should be open to take that next step....baby step of course. I don't think an overnight will not suffice...not yet anyway. I think that your situation is all a matter of patience. Maybe they will contact you soon regarding a visit. I feel that things will eventually fall into it's rightful place. You just have to allow it to. Providing neither parties take steps back rather than steps forward.

One thing that I have learned when dealing with my own BMD is that people learn how to handle things in the right way without even talking. We don't always have to get our points across nor do we always have to point out the mistakes of others. Sometimes people realize their faults on their own. In the end they can't take back the things they've said or done but, they can make it up by showing you they are on the right track when it comes to your son. We all hope for that in our situations. Just remember that it is a two way street.

[ty1981]

I am so proud of you, I think you handled the situation beautifully. You even handled the grandma's request with grace. The bottom line is your son benefited from it. He got to feel the love from all of you.Kudos.

[gemmani]

Wow, I'm glad that worked out. You asked what should you do. I think they should be able to take your son......AFTER they've spent time with him at YOUR home. Since they don't know him and he doesn't know them, HE needs time to get to know these people before just taking off with him. Poor child, telling him that they are family will mean JACK to him unless he's familiar with them.
I think that will work for 2 reasons:
1. Your son will get to know his family while still having Mama around for comfort
2. We all can be a bit petty sometimes..........this gives you the opportunity to still exercise some CONTROL over the situation. You know, just because they gave you a hard time before. Just to make yourself feel better while not negatively affecting your son. (Lol, bad influence, I know.....)
Congrats with all of this, I hope it continues.

[Chalan]

Youknow, job well done. I’m glad things turned out well. Look at this as a new beginning. Why don’t you meet them some where everyone can interact? Over time, make it some place where your son can go with them and you can watch how he responds. For example, is he scared? Does he keep looking for you? Does he interact well with them w/o you present? I think that would help any fears you might have about them watching him. I wouldn’t want them in my home again though. I know that is selfish on my part but I’m honest with myself.

[youknowwhatitis]

Thanks guys, I wouldn't have been able to do it without you all's constant.............urging LOL!!!! It feels really really good..........because it shows that I am the bigger/better person and that I truly have matured. Also they got to see with their own eyes that my son is loved.........and WELL taken care of. Why did the stepdad of BD come on their way out and kiss me on the cheek and say " you've done a great job with him." That threw me completely off. Why would he kiss me on the cheek...........I don't even know. Then later he gave me 20.00 to buy him something. I think my son had fun and he got lots of gifts. Now they know for a fact that their lack of involvement didn't hurt me or my son............in all actuality they are the one's who missed out. I didn't really even speak much to BD I kinda of sensed some animosity though.............partially because I'm doing such a great job without him............and even know he tried not to show it............I know it hurt. As far as visitation with them goes................I'm thinking maybe meeting with them somewhere and seeing if he warms up....a mall would be good since it's starting to get cold up hurrrrrrrrrrr. Ya'll know I'm from STL. But not too often maybe once a month and then if he warms up maybe they could get him once a month on a Saturday. But I am not............kissing their asses or altering my schedule I'll just make time for them to either come and spend time with him or refuse. I don't want to stand in the way of their relationship. BD pretty much texted someone throughout the party and sent picture mail....................my bottom dollar is.......it was his SISTER. Really the main reason still the mom BD's wants to come and get him so she can see him because she IS not welcome in my house. I really don't like her..........and usually when I really don't like somebody it's something seriously wrong with them. I just got this feeling she was behind a lot of what went on with me and BD. I think a thank you card from the baby for their gifts and include in it maybe you all can meet me somewhere and we can spend some time together. Let my mommy know when you are ready. Shift it back over to them..........then play it by ear and by my rules. What do you think???

[ty1981]

I think that is a great idea.

[memyslfni]

My advise youknow, as far as "applying the rules" is try not to be so demanding of things...Sure Let em know of any allergies, or foods he likes most etc..common sense things....You cant think of co-parenting as a game where rules apply because lets face it Rules are meant to be broken and that will lead U to more dissapointment....and further urging U to keep ur child from those people...Dont set urself up for that disappointment....Try separating what u want and what u need to happen if in fact ur situation leads to the point of ur son spending time with THEM. U learn things as U go...For instance my son has a prob with bed wetting...His bio father would send his p'd on clothes back home with him in a bag without having the common sense to rinse them off FIRST...I had to be like COME ON NOW...how hard could it be...and how much of ur time could it take to do something so simple???

COMMON SENSE...can take a person a long...long way.... ;D

[youknowwhatitis]

I don't mean laying down the rules like they have to do this that or the other but just letting them know gently that I'm setting the stage for them to bond. And NOT to attempt to cross me.

But I still feel that it is their responsibility to take iniative for visits with son. So by sending the thank you card from my son I am letting them know that I am open to them spending time with my son but I am not assuming responsibility for it.

The thank you card will read like this:

To: The Dixon's

From: Jaylin (my son)

Thank you for attending my birthday party. It was nice to see you. Thank you for my clothes, and elmo slippers and elmo toy. Maybe we can meet somewhere and I can get know you all better. Let my mommy know when you are ready as she is very busy with school.

Love,

Jaylin

***So what do ya'll think?

I don't think it's a game but they still need to earn their keep. They only spent time with him at the party because God worked through ya'll to help soften my heart and ease some of my anger. So I still feel that I am open to a relationship but not full fledged involvement with them. They can know him and spend some time if they are willing to put in time and effort. But he will never be intricately involved with them like that......because they are in my opinion still...........lowdown and downright shady for how they treated him. Not to mention me.

[jaylady999]

I think its excellent!!

It invites them into your son's life and as you say, puts the responsiblity on them. If they were serious, they will contact you, and if they dont contact you, you know you did your part. Great ;D

[doinwatigottado]

Youknowwhat,

Inviting them to your son's Birthday Party is a good start in terms of trying to come together for the sake of your son, however, the letter should be sent FROM YOU. I say this because, your son is only 2 years old right? and it is always good to be direct. Let them know you appreciate them coming and that you encourage a relationship, but that for everyone involved, you'd like to work on a situation that will work for you all. That can mean going to a park near your home or one of their homes and allowing them to play with your son so as to start in a neutral zone for all and slowly introduce them into his life.

[Chalan]

I agree with Doin. I wouldn’t mention school either. That allows slight entry into your life. I would keep all conversation about Jaylin.

[memyslfni]

Very good piece of advise doinwhat, its important to be direct in letting them know that its coming from parent. Especially with child being so young...It gives all adults in the situation a clear understand of what is to be expected... ;D

[youknowwhatitis]

I agree with doin:

It should say:

To the BD and Grandparents:

From Jaylin: Thank you for attending my birthday party. It was nice to see you. Thank you for my clothes, elmo slippers, elmo toy and the money. Maybe we can meet somewhere and I can get to know you all better. Let my mommy know when you are ready.

From youknow: Thanks for attending Jaylin's party he is enjoying all of his gifts. Maybe we can meet up somewhere a park, mall, etc and you all can get to know Jaylin better. I am encouraging a relationship, but for the sake of everyone involved, I would like to work on a situation that will work for all. I think it would be best to start in a neutral zone and slowly introduce you into in his life.

***I still want his sister to know she ain't welcome. LOL!!!! God's going to really have to work on me for that one.

[gemmani]

Well, in the scheme of things the most important issue is forming a relationship between BD and your son. Grandparents next, then you can deal with the sister, or not. But she should wait until the situation changes, like when Jaylin gets comfortable with BD and the grandparents. Sister can see him when they have him.