The Aftermath

[gemmani]

So BM did not completely freak out about the wedding. Good. (Even though I'm not 100% she really knows yet, but I hope she does and this is the worst of it.)

She did try to start more arguments than usual, but ignoring her did the trick each time and things died down.

I'm feeling kind of stuck on what to do now, though.
The kids took the wedding news quite well. Really well. Maybe too well. The oldest announced that I'm her real mommy now and started telling her siblings the same. I QUICKLY (panic) jumped in and explained how I'm their STEP mother and that their mom will always be their mom. I told them that the only difference is that they now have someone extra to love them. The oldest tried calling me mommy, but we both settled for "stepmom". The last thing I need is for BM to think I'm immediately trying to replace her.
They also figured that they should live with us now. They fought us (not literally) and threw tantrums when it was time to go back to BM's house, they (the oldest one, really. She's the ring leader) tried every argument in the book until DH just exploded. We told them their mommy missed them, they ignored that. Even the 2 year old was jumping in.
I really hope that's not going to keep happening. They were doing it before the wedding, too, but they were more forceful about it this time.
This also makes me suspicious. I keep wondering WTF is going on so that these little kids don't want to go back home. DH says she wasn't very "motherly" beyond the basics of feeding, housing, etc. I don't know what to think. I hope this is just a phase for them. I cannot begin to imagine the issue they will have if they grow up not liking their mother. DH isn't much help, he's just enjoying the fact that they like me so much. But I think it isn't something to just overlook. Am I bugging?

[Chalan]

I would leave it alone. Women have such compassion that we want to fix everything and make it right. These are their children. If BM is not emotionally connected to her kids, you can’t fix that. You can’t make them love her, that isn’t your job. Plus there isn’t a judge that would take the kids from her because of her lack of emotional involvement. I would continue to show them love and support when they are with you. If you were to get the kids, they may end up resented you in the end because you took them from their Mom even though your intentions were good.

[gemmani]

Oh my goodness, I wan't trying to get custody of them at all! DH wants to eventually, but we are in no financial position to do that right now.

I guess since they are now kind of seeing me as a "replacement", I'm wondering how to stop that kind of thinking. I don't want to be the cause of any turbulence or drama with them and BM. I just want them to know that I'm there for them but as an extra adult who loves them. I just didn't realize the kids would take things so seriously and literally. It's kinda freaking me out.

[jaylady999]

Hey gemani...one thing about kids is that they are resiliant(sp) and they tend to be able to conform to any situation given(unlike most of us adults...LOL). I say that to say that they will get use to recognize that they will still be living with their mother and it will make their visits to your home more exciting.

My SD wants to live with us soooo bad, always has. Only it has nothing to do with me, she is just a daddy's girl and she wants to be with him all the time. My stepson, however, is more indifferent. We talked to her and basically just told her that she can come and visit anytime she wants, but she will be with her mom while going to school.

In Illinois though, children can choose at age 13 who they want to live with and I am betting my bottom dollar those kids will come with us at that time. In the meantime, weekends, holidays, and summers it is.

As for you, as Chalan said, its not your battle to fight or ever stress. Just love them when they are with you and they will realize that unless their mother is causing bodily harm, they will continue to live with her.

I do agree with you on them calling you Mommy. It does send off signals that you are trying to replace her, when we all know that you are not. Its a blessing that the kids feel enough love for you to even want to call you Mommy, but I am glad you cleared that up.

Keep us posted

[gemmani]

Thanks for that Jaylady. Now that I'm officially "step mom" I don't want to mess up. I certainly didn't expect that they'd expect things to change.
As long as it's not causing issues or drama, I'll just leave things as is.

Chalan, your post made me laugh. Imagine a woman gets married to a dad and as soon as the vows are said she's trying to make the kids "hers". I bet that does happen, just sounds a bit psycho to me, lol.
I have absolutely no proof (except for that time the boy came with a huge bruise across his face, he said mommy hit him) that she's regularly abusing the kids. Maybe some neglect to physical appearance or emotional neglect, but that's it. Regardless of the fact that I feel she isn't the best mother in the world, she isn't the worst either. It's just so hard when you have these small people begging and crying to you, and you have a DH who hates to bring them back to their mother's home anyway, so he's secretly happy they feel this way and is more than happy to have me be their mother. (I have no proof of how he feels. But I d**n sure have suspicions.)
I'm good now. Letting it go.

[ty1981]

I can't imagine this......I don't want sk to come live with us. I'm not ready to be a full time parent. That's why I don't have kids of my own...but if it had to happen...I guess it would be alright.

[Chalan]

Gemmani- I think you misunderstood my post but I’m glad you got a laugh out of it.. I didn’t say you wanted the kids. Maybe I was thinking ahead because I am guilty of that a lot. Let’s say you find out the kids were neglected while with BM, not physical violence, but over the top verbal abuse. The type of verbal abuse that destroys a child’s self worth. What steps would you and the BD take then? I don’t think you would allow the kids to go to foster care or with other relatives since the BD should be next in line. You would take them in. I think any woman would. So as for trying to be become Mom, replace Mom, I didn’t think so. I thought you were concerned as a friend, as a wife, as a normal human being. I think your post says that. You were wondering what was going over there. I’m sorry but it is not your place.

You also can’t hold someone else up to your standards of what a “good” Mom is. We all have different upbringings and experiences that makes us who we are. Maybe she is being the best mother she can be. I don’t know. If I held my BM up to my standards, we would have tried to get the child a long time ago. Once again, that isn’t my place.

I think one of the hardest things to do when you are with someone that has a child is to disassociate yourself from of the bountiful injustices that surface.

Also, keep in mind that kids read adults much better than we give them credit. How do you know they are not playing both sided. Maybe they view your residence as better because they have the more fun there. Just something to think about.

[jaylady999]

Also, keep in mind that kids read adults much better than we give them credit. How do you know they are not playing both sided. Maybe they view your residence as better because they have the more fun there. Just something to think about.

Ok, this one hit home for me. this is the truth. i think that is one of the reasons my stepdaughter wants so badly to live with her father(my DH) is becuz she only comes on weekends and everytime her and her brother come, we are going to the movies, out to eat, they are playing video games and she gets to play on the computer, etc etc. But I know for a fact, if they did come to live with us full time, they would both(her and her brother) be in for a rude awakening. LOL. I've overheard my son tell my stepson that we have fun when they come but when they leave, so does the fun. ;D Thats becuz when they leave, its normally sunday and schoolwork is back in effect for my son. He(my son) feels the same way about going to his father on weekends. They have a ball. But thats cuz Mama is usually so busy making sure they are fed, bathed, homework is done, etc that when all that is over, we really dont have much more energy.

[jaylady999]

Sept 29, 2008 11:22:27 GMT -5 ty1981 said:

I can't imagine this......I don't want sk to come live with us. I'm not ready to be a full time parent. That's why I don't have kids of my own...but if it had to happen...I guess it would be alright.

um yeah thats what i said too. we had a scare where we(well it was more of a scare for me than it was DH) thought the kids were coming to live with us actually the beginning of this schoolyear(due to our school district being much better than that of the inner city) all summer, it was discussed and agreed upon by my DH and his BM. i remember thinking like d**n, i am going from 1 child to 3 in a heartbeat. i was ready to stand behind my husband, but um, when BM changed her mind at the last minute, i hope she dont think she was hurting me. LOL. i had no complaints and thats keepin it real. sure, the kids deserve a much better education than the one they are getting, but if BM cant see that, then who am i to tell her differently. mothers are primarily ultimately responsible for their children and DH cant kidnap them just to make sure they are getting a better education. so oh well. i know mine is benefitting from a better education and i wouldnt have it any other way

[gemmani]

I didn't say that it was my place to decide whether or not BM is a decent mother. I personally don't think she is, but that is neither here nor there. Of course I'm going to wonder why they break into tears whenever it's time to go home. I'm not trying to step out of my place or anything like that. All I want to do is make sure that no drama comes from anything they have to say. I know for a fact that the oldest child talks A LOT. We've already received threats and messages from BM telling DH to keep me away from her kids, she thought I was brainwashing them. Whatever.
I'm not trying to compare or say they'd rather be with us.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO, WE GET A WATERWORKS SHOW. Then when they get home, BM sends a message wondering why they are so upset. I don't make that up, and I don't exaggerate.
The point of my original post was, what do I do when they tell me things like this? All I want to do is keep people happy and not make waves. What is wrong with that?

[Chalan]

Gemmani- I never said anything was wrong with it. Read my post again. I think it is natural. I was offering you another side of the situation. When you are that close to all involved, you can’t see the complete picture. For example, let’s say the kid did have a bruise on his face. He says my Mom hit me because I was outside. Actual event: The kid was outside playing, was not suppose to cross the street and did so anyway. The BM comes outside and slaps the wahzoo out of him so the next time he crosses that street he remembers that slap and thinks twice.

As far as Bm brainwashing the kids, I thought all the crazy ones did. All you can do is let them know you are there and that you care…no matter what. Now that you are married, I’m betting you will think she is the devil in person. If she is that upset, she will eventually make the kids choose sides, so be prepared.

I don’t find you actions unjust. I SAID they were natural. This is the place to vent that stress. I’m just offering another point of view. With the concern you have now, keep a detail journal for future reference.

[gemmani]

I know Chalan. Just a bit sensitive, I guess.
As long as it's understood that I'm not trying to ride in on my white horse and 'save' everything. Not at all.
Also, I'm with Ty. I really don't want to raise a kid right now. But the ones that are here, I just don't want to make things worse or just royally screw up. I feel pressured!!!!!

[Chalan]

No problem I never took it that way. The pressure was on form the moment you decided to be with that man. I just don’t think “we” realize that fact until later on. (Myself included). There is too much pressure to do the right thing. I’ve come to the realization that there is no right way. You just learn from your mistakes. And although there are those that will disagree, you will always be more lenient on BD kids than you will be on your own. If you look at it that way, you can not lose. It is a testament that you are doing it right by them wanting to call you Mom.

[Chalan]

Gemmani- On a side note, we all came to this board because BM is outrageous. So if I had to choose a side, I would choose all GFs/wifeys/ SOs. I’ve walked in those shoes. My arguments would be so strong that wench would think she is insane. Yet behind close doors, I would tell you why I thought you were wrong.

Now if only I had found this board last year. Things might be different in my situation. My tolerance is just to low for such BS.

[gemmani]

It's actually a bit scary. I didn't realize there would be such a difference from fiance/ daddy's girlfriend to wife/ step mother. It's a complete change in your mentality. It's like a light bulb went off and it's just now occuring to me that this is a permanent deal, it's not just about 'me', and that I will be another role model for the kids. I knew this stuff before we got married, but the enormity of it didn't click.
I know I'm more lenient than I would be with my own kids. I'm working on putting my foot down more. It's just not very easy doing it to someone else's kids, you know? I did try it this past weekend (if I was alone with them or if DH just wasn't paying attention), and shockingly, they do listen to me. I don't punish, that's still DH's job. But it's a start.
Also, I'm trying to place myself in BM's shoes. I worry about what they say when they go back home. I know that I wouldn't want my own children saying the things they say. It's like I subtely defend her while trying to stay neutral, regardless of what I'm feeling towards BM. Trying to be a big person, but it's a lot of work, lol. Like a game of politics or something!