Having a sit down with BM and Step-parent

[sbimiss]

I don't even know where to start....

BM's SO called me yesterday explaining they got a call from school regarding his eldest daughter saying she has been misbehaving. Report card also showed a significant drop in grades. She has also had a major problem with lying. BM's SO explains to me that it seems like it's getting to the point where we all(meaning all 4) of us should get together and talk about what we can do about. Also to show SD that she can not get away with lying because we all are able to communicate together.

Just a little background before I go on to give my opinion on this.....BM and BD never spoke on civil terms. Communication was always done through a third party. Even for visitations someone else would pick up the child. They basically lead separate lives and kept the peace this way. It was not until recently about 2 years that I have been communicating with BM and her SO. We have a strictly business relationship.lol But it has been working. I saw that if I was not communicating there was NO communication whatsoever. His daughter would call him and that was that. She is getting older so the communication has been a blessing as far as me encouraging him to be more active in the life his daughter leads.

Ok so, I feel that there really is no need for us all to sit down and talk. What more can BM's SO stress to my bf that I couldn't or even his mother can't? I acted as a third party messenger for so long and neither my bf or BM has shown an interest in discussing things as they never did before. Like I said my relationship with them is strictly business. For example, if there is a problem with CS, instead of reporting it, they would call me and I'm on top of it. If the child needs something extra, I relay the message or I go and get it myself. I've always felt that whatever I could do to help....I would do my best to do so. I guess I am a little concerned that if we do get together to speak I am a little afraid that things will be said to breech this civil relationship that I have built with them. My bf has always been very hostile towards BM since pregnancy and I am sure he won't like either of them telling him what he may be doing wrong to cause SD to act out.

I have expressed their concerns to him and he is a no go about the sit down. He almost became upset because in a sense it's like they want to push blame in his eyes. I feel there will be an out lash of anger between the 3 of them as I already sensed the tension when we(bf and I) were discussing our options.

I am comfortable with the minimal communication that we have between each other. I'd like to keep it this way. I feel that if it goes beyond the way we have it...there is risk of damaging it. With the complete opposite situations between his 2 BM's, one being that there NO communication whatsoever between my bf and 2nd BM and the other with me being able to communicate mostly with BM's SO, I can see that if I did not go forward with communicating there would be none on behalf of my bf. That is just the way he does things and always has with both BM's. His words exactly were, "We will handle my daughter on our own!! Let them do what they have to do and we will do what we have to do! If I have never spoken to BM before, what makes anyone think I will do it now?!"

This is where my concern lies...overall, I want to do what's best for SD. If her issues need to be addressed with all of us talking as adults and parents, regardless of if we(myself and bf) want to or not, I will encourage it if it's best. Has anyone else been faced with this and what are your opinions? What would you do?

[gemmani]

OMG, Sbmiss, this is so ironic. DH's BM sent him a text saying SS4 hit her. She wants DH to talk to him because he's been rebellious. (Note: SS4 has had issues with his mother for as long as I can remember. He's the ring leader when it comes to talking out about BM. Always saying he doesn't like her.)
At first I didn't understand why she was telling him. If it happened in her house, she should take care of it. Spoke to my mother about it, and she says it is VERY IMPORTANT for the parents to have a united front regarding bad behavior. They have to know that it's completely not acceptable in either household.
It also shows the child that he can't play the parents against each other. When the rules apply across the board, the child knows that BOTH parents are aware.
I completely feel you on this, but honestly it's best for your SD that you all come together and talk to her. Think of it as a support system. Now, I know that there's a bit of animosity between the parties, but that has to be pushed aside for the child. Just this once (or as needed.)

In my case, DH feels that the kids talk to me more than him, so he wants me to talk to him to find out what's going on. I'm flattered that he thinks so (it's true though) but I have no clue where to start. I think he should say something first, then I'll come in and talk to him after. Or maybe we both should talk to him. SS4 feels better talking if he feels safe and comfortable. Maybe his dad can talk and I'll hold him so he feels better about talking.
As much as this is a "Ha, ha, I told you so" moment (and Ha! to BM ), we cannot condone SS hitting his mother. Starts a pattern of behavior that can continue to adulthood. We don't want to raise any woman-beaters. But I swear on everything, I knew this was coming. I knew he's blow up on BM one day. But it's still not right.

[memyslfni]

SB, I would definitely encourage the sit down...its definitely whats best for the child..It may very well be the non communication between parents that troubles her..I wouldnt doubt it..Sometimes it takes a child to bring grown ups 2gether Sad but true

[doinwatigottado]

This is tough because if your man isn't willing to do the work then it ain't gonna happen. You can't force him to do it, especially if he hasn't all this time. He seems to have gotten comfortable with having you be the go to person. Is there a reason he is so against communicating with BM's? What is the issue? I'm just curious.

I do think that it would be benificial for all of you to speak to the SD. Particularly because of her age. I'm sure if she sees that everyone is coming together to let her know.......she will realize that she is being "watched" so to speak. And that everyone around her is on the same page. This may deter her from the behavior that is causing the problems for fear of getting called out again.

I don't think that this is a reflection of anything that any one of you has done directly to her. It may be that she knows no one is really communicating and Memy has a real point there. Talk to your man again and see if there is anyway he would, for his daughters sake, band together as a group of parents to put the breaks on SD with the lying. The only other suggestion I have is to let him know he doesn't have to actually talk to anyone other than his SD while she here's it from you all. (I dunno) I wish you luck with this cuz, it sounds like you have your work cut out for you. By the way it's not really fair that you are left with trying to figure this out, while he is in fact the parent and steering clear of having to work it out with the other coparents. I'm sorry, but I don't understand that.

[blaquechinadoll]

Hello,
While I don't fully comprehend why BD doesn't care to be in the company of BM, there is probably a good reason for it. From the outside looking in, he should be able to be adult enuf to do what needs to be done, even if he doesn't want to. We all have had to do things that we do want to, but nonetheless, it has to be done. On the other hand, why add fire to an obviously volitile situation. Have her mom and SD speak to her, then have the same/similar conversation with her and BD. That way ALL of you are putting her behavior on notice and ALL of you are letting her know that you expect certain things from her. Even if everyone speaks to her seperately (she may be more open with one parent than another), compare notes and try to determine where the problem is stemming from, then corrective action. There may not be a need to blame any parent. She may be learning this behavior from peers. At any rate, get to the root of the problem. My son will clam up and forget his name if confronted by everyone (he is 6). But with no more than two people present he can explain himself and not feel small and threatened....Just a thought

[doinwatigottado]

Blacque,

I agree with you. This may be the only way to go.

[sbimiss]

gemmani....the kids communicate more easily with me than him. Maybe because they are girls or maybe it's the relationship I have built with them...maybe both. I too did not know where to even start.

Blacque...your suggestion is exactly what we went with. We picked up his daughter to stay with us over the weekend. I waited to see how and when he would bring up the issue with her and nothing. A day into the weekend and I decided to start. He followed and things went smoothly. She shed a few tears but nonetheless, she knew where she went wrong and that our intentions were to help her. We also got a better understanding of the situation. Hopefully, he will fix any of his shortcomings. The funny thing is, just as gemmani said...I too saw this coming. I noticed the lying long ago(years) and I knew what kind of damage it was going to cause.

As far as his reluctance in speaking with BM and her SO, that was def. out of the question. His child is 8 and he has never spoken with her about anything. I'm sure if they've conversed it was not anything pleasant. Communication was always done through other people and it seems as though it will continue to be that way. I have always known the reasons behind the lack of communication between him and his BM's. They do not get along and probably will never. It is because of the way things happened from the beginning. Both pregnancies were followed by no relationship. Animosity sprung from there. They still speak of him negatively to others and to their children. I see that if it is working for everyone with communicating through a third party, then it is for the best.

Thanks to everyone and your greatly appreciated opinions. I need to just roll with things sometimes. They seem to fall into place better that way. I need to trust in his decisions and trust that they are for the best. This is a situation that I am learning I can not control and not everyone will make the right decisions but, just as long as we are doing our part...that's all that matters.

[jaylady999]

Thanks to everyone and your greatly appreciated opinions. I need to just roll with things sometimes. They seem to fall into place better that way. I need to trust in his decisions and trust that they are for the best. This is a situation that I am learning I can not control and not everyone will make the right decisions but, just as long as we are doing our part...that's all that matters

;DThis is the truth!! I have so found when I lay low and let things play out how they do, things always seem to work out. Not just with BM situations, but just with life. I am glad things worked out for you guys

[doinwatigottado]

sb,
I am really glad everything worked out. I responded to your post out of my own confusion about BD, but bottom line is that you both have a system that works and I hope that your stepdaughter realizes how much you all care for her. It sounds like she has a really good support system.

doin.

[gemmani]

That's really good Sbmiss. That's what we ended up doing with SS4 and him hitting his mother. THAT was the funniest conversation ever, and I tried my hardest to leave the room to laugh instead of in front the kids. DH and I ask SS4 why he hit his mother. His response was, "She hit me first." I had to leave the room. But we spoke to him, let him know it wasn't right. Apparently, she had hit him when he was telling BM about me being his step mom. She said I was NOT their step mom and to never say it again. He said that wasn't true I AM their step mom and she hit him, he hit her back. SD6 said her mother was lying, just like that Sponge Bob Squarepants episode where Squidward lied about liking Crabby Patties, and that her mother was mean.

[Chalan]

I feel for those kids Gemmani. It is terrible when a child realizes their parent is a liar.

[gemmani]

It is a shame. But they are very astute kids and you can't put anything past them. They call it like they see it. It makes me proud that they can use their brains, but it's sad that they have to use them in this capasity.

[Chalan]

I’ve thought about your post and I’m glad that everything worked out. It is a shame that the parents can’t get along and must use a third part but it is reality. I’m guessing there is a good reason your husband does not want to communicate directly with BM. I would leave it alone and not force any issues in the future. In most instances, those thoughtful gestures on the SOs/ wifes part has come back to bite us in the butt. For example, I suggested BM dropping and picking up daughter at my home versus them meeting at some random place. Now she doesn’t want to go away. You have a process that works so I wouldn’t mess with it for any reason.