I NEED ADVICE! JEALOUS BM

[towens]

Ok, here is the sitution. Its very long so thanks for takign the time to read it. I met my husband in Texas in September. He is from Washington and I am from Oklahoma. We instantly had a connection. We started dating and it went fast from there but was kinda hard because he was back in Washington and I was back in Oklahoma. He was being sent to Germany at the end of November. We made a fast decision and decided to get married. We got married on November 17,2007. Before we got married he sent me to Washington. He has twin daughters so I finally got to meet them! I was soo excited! Well, everything was going great while he was there. He left November 29th. When he left for Germany I was staying with his ex gf(which is also the girls mom) because I wasnt able to fly to Germany yet because I wasnt on his orders.I know VERY WEIRD! She has a fiance and was pregnant with her fiances kid.I didnt have much of a choice though because I didnt know anyone there. Once he left it was the worst time of my life. I always helped her around the house and with giving the girls baths and helping feed them. They are 3 years old. I talked to my husband one day because I dont have much winter clothes because I am from Oklahoma and he told me to go shopping to get winter clothes because its very cold in Germany and gave me a $300 limit. I did really well and only spent $200. When I get home she asks to see what I got and next thing I know, she called my husband and griped at him and said I think she is spending all of your money. Ok, I was very upset because who is she trying to tell MY HUSBAND I am spending too much. Its none of her business She was mainly mad because he couldnt spend thousands of dollars on the girls for Christmas like he usually does. I mean Im sorry, but why do kids need thousands of dollars of stuff just for Christmas? The next day she calls my husband and starts griping saying I dont ever help her around the house or with the girls. It was just something I couldnt win. I finally found out I was able to head to Germany on Chrismas Day so I was excited!! I thought all this was going to end...BOY WAS I WRONG! That was just the beginning. After I got to Germany I posted a few more pics of my wedding and her bf sent me an email saying hey just wanted to let you know that your wedding has been over for awhile now, NO ONE CARES, ITS NOT IMPORTANT ANYMORE. GET OVER IT! go back to being a wife and slave now! That was rude, but I cant really do anything because it will just start stuff with the mom and I dont want that to start anything. Just makes me mad because its like Im a little dog who just has to take crap! The reason I cant ever say anything to her is because they dont have a court order for visitation and if my husband is ever rude to the mom she doesnt let him talk to the girls and punishes him for it. She has before taken the girls away from him and the police couldnt do anything about it because there is no court papers. Right now he cant do anything about it because we are in Germany. We sent a check for $200 because she didnt think what he did for x-mas was enough...Ok, Im fine with that! Well she just calls at almost 1am our time, woke him up, has to be up early for work and asks when we sent the check, which we already told her what day we sent it. She goes on and on to him about how her electricity is going to get turned off if she doesnt pay it and gives him a sob story, well at first he tells her hes sorry we cant pay that amount then she hangs up on him because she is mad....So he tries to go back to sleep, then asks me to bring him the phone because he cant let the girls go without electricity, which in my opinion the story is a crock of crap...Well shes not answering..so he left a message saying that if she gives us the # we can call and pay the amount that the check was for..$200..so he calls again and he tells her we will pay the full amount because he doesnt want the girls to go without electricty..Im sooo annoyed because its like he has to do whatever she wants because hes soo scared she will take him back to court for more child support or something. He shouldnt have to worry about that. By no means am I saying for him not to help out but he just sent $200 and he pays child support($600 a month), in a way that is what the moneys for..Am I wrong at being annoyed? I know they wont go without. I mean if anything, her brother just got home from Iraq, he wouldnt let them go without...So there is other options but she still wont answer his calls or call him back!!! That situation is handled because we pay her cell phone so she can use that money for her electricity bill. Next thing, he told his girls he would send some dvds and coloring books. When he talked to her next he told her we were about to send it off and it should be there by Friday, she said are you not sending it priority mail. He said well, we dont have alot of money because we are saving up to come see the girls and she said how is it that you never have money??? Seriously sometimes I just want to go off on here but I cant. I respect that she is the girls mom. mean who does she think she is asking why we never have money??? WHY IS IT ANY OF HER BUSINESS!!! GRRR...Baby momma drama!!! I mean shes the one who always says she cant afford the electic or the rent. Who is she to even ask that??? We are supposed to be going to visit the girls for their birthday in June but he told her we may not be able to make it for their bday but we will come because we are trying to save as much as we can. She was fine with that. I want to go to Oklahoma though before we got to Washington so I can see my family because I havent seen them since November and I have never gone this long without seeing my family. I found out I am able to fly Space A(for free) from the military and I got excited and posted a bulletin on myspace basically saying I was excited because I am going home to see my family either at the end of this month or beginning of next! Next thing I know, I get an email from her bf saying dont you think its more important that my husband go see his girls and me not to go see my family. I am sooo IRRITATED! Why is it any of his business?? It would have been different if the girls mom would have sent me a message and asked? Next thing is my husband gets on his myspace and there is a letter from the girls mom that says this: I know you told me that you might not be able to make it here in june for the girls birthdays. So my question is how in the hell is she going to Oklahoma the end of April??? You told be yesterday when i talk to you that you were completely broke and had no money because of your car or is it because you had to buy a plane ticket for your needy ass wife??? I sware if she goes there and you bought that ******* ticket and you can't make it out here to see your kids. There will be serious problems between me and you. And if she is the reason that you don't get here than she will be hearing it from me for sure. i pray that this is not the case. and she goes and you don't Im not going to be very nice at all anymore. Also if this is the truth i want nothing to do with her or the girls and you need to respect that. Seriosly, I am tired of being nice to her but I cant do anything and my husband has to be nice to her because she uses the girls to get what she wants. My husband says she doesnt bother him so much anymore because hes used to it but Im not and I spent all day yesterday crying because I am sooo tired of dealing with her and I know its never going to end. What should I do? I need all the advice I can get..sorry its a long story.

[cloudy752001]

A. Stop being nice. Your husband is playing Mr. Nice Guy already and he needs to come to grips also.

B. If she can't keep electricity on, then your husband needs to consider visiting the courts for more custody rights (perhaps becoming the custodial parent.)

C. Lay down the law! Let your husband know that his trifling BM is going to cause him his marriage. He will always have problems in his relationships if he doesn't set her straight.

D. I know that this may never happen with you again, but NEVER, EVER stay at the BM house. She was only sizing you up. If she all of the sudden gets the case of the nicenes, and offers for you to stay with her again, ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY REFUSE that offer. Unless you were on another planet, I'm sure that there was a local hotel (plus you could have used your military id for discount purposes if you were really low on cash) somewhere in that town.

E. Don't let her use those girls as a way to control your relationship. All he needs to do is take care of those kids, not her. She has a fiance. What's up with him? How is it that their electricity is about to go off? How can her fiance sit up in there and feel like a man while she begs your husband for money to take care of their household. Your husband needs to consider what kind of a man his BM has around his twins. If her fiance is rude like this, then how is he treating the girls?

I can go all the way to Z with this but I'm sure that this much will sum it up. Basically one, if not, both of you need to grow something called a backbone and put this idiot BM in check.

[roadrunner]

OMG you are one of a kind.You actually lived with your husband BM........d**n thats the 1st I've heard. You husband has to grow some balls and stand his ground.The problem is some will get hurt in the midst of all either you or the kids when the BM decides she will not let him see them.Good luck ad move out of that place no matter what u need 2 do.

[downazzchick]

Girl, Girl, Girl..... This situation has already been taken care of . Just follow their advise and take heed!!!! Just make sure to keep in contact with the girls because they will remember you and the special times that you spent together. I hope this time when you get to Washington you are able to go and get the girls and keep them. And it's only been a couple of months so sit back and enjoy the ride!

[Keia]

females will always be females. she can't control him with the kids unless he lets her. Visitation is really not a good idea because the fathers generally don't get very much time and once he does that she'll never let him see them outside of that specified time frame. IT's okay he still takes a little crap off her that shows that he's a good man and a good dad and he won't leave you hanging out to dry if you too every have kids. Just support him and be honest with him about the issues you have. Then you too compromise.

[cloudy752001]

OBJECTION! Visitation works just like child support because there are consequences if they are neglected. Most BD donot go for visitation or think that visitation stops with the initial ruling. But just like child support, more visitation can be requested like summers, holdays, or weekdays. Like I said in a previous post, in your case once your husband settles in one spot, maybe he can try to get custody of his daughters if the BM does not get it together.

He needs to keep records of the different occasions when she tells him that she cannot pay for certain things like the electricity, gas, or grocery bills. He also needs to keep receipts and send money orders instead of cash if he is paying utilities in the home.

Record conversations and voicemails of her harassing him. This show instability on her part The courts would eat this up. You almost hate to do it but, you must fight fire with fire. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BACKBONE, REMEMBER?

[cloudy752001]

Oh and it is NOT ok to take any crap off of anyone ESPECIALLY the BM!

[downazzchick]

I'm telling you what works. I don't want anybody to catch a case, but it worked for me. Now she just smile and wave.

[downazzchick]

Girl, No. How you gone jump somebody you don't even know? That's crazy. My thought is that you will eventually have to handle the situation using whatever tactics work best for you because if you sit back and do nothing the BM will continue to make your life miserable.