the drama... what to do?!

[gurl in flux]

I have been looking at the threads for input on resolving BMD. They are all very interesting and informative. Although my personal situation resembles a lot there are special caveats to my case that I need the forums expertise with. So the story goes like this....

The fella is an African/Arabic gentleman and has all his papers but significant cultural differences. The BM is a low income high school dropout white woman from a hick town. I admit his choice of who to lay with was poor but I can't change that.

I am the new GF of about 3 months and counting. He was very forthcoming with me about his past, three ex-wives and two children from two of three marriages. One child is in Africa and other is in KY with the problematic female. He also let me know that there were difficulties with the KY BM. He gave his word he would isolate me from any drama. This along with the time I had to process and digest all this info made me comfortable with continuing pursue our new blossoming relationship. Life was moving along just fine until.....about two weeks ago and I got a call on my unlisted work cell from KY BM. She was trippin' HARD. I was at work when I received the call. The call started with her stating that she was his wife and I was a home wrecking sleeper. Since I was at work and not in the correct space and time to address her I did my best to dismiss her until later. I let her know that I was not able to nor did I want to talk to her. Any problems she had she needed to address him and not me. I immediately ended the call and tried to refocus on work. As far as I was concerned I was an innocent bystander to their ugly relationship. The KY BM kept calling, that first day alone she left 7 messages even an alternate number to contact her. I alerted my fella to the drama and let him know he needed to handle this. Handle this or re-think where our relationship was going. I wasn’t an ultimatum but I am not one for the drama or games. I am successful lady no kids, drama free and her head on straight. He said he would take care of it.

While he was "handing the situation", I was proactive and sought advice from friends who have experience with BMD. One nugget I thought was insightful...since she called so many times she must have something to get off her chest. The advice continued...hear her out with the stipulation that she's never call to you again. As long as she accepted the stipulation hear the lady out. That's what I did....I got her to agree to the stipulation and heard her out. She tried to surprise me with information that I already had about the marriages and children. She tried to question me but I reminded her that this call was not about me but it was about hearing her out and did not answer any of her questions. When she ran out of things to stay about him she let in on me. I was a sleeper and home wrecker and she was coming to take her husband back. She was bringing the TV show Cheaters to catch us in the act and confront us. All talk I asked if she was finished and disconnected the call.

I let my fella know my actions and he was ok with it. Things went back to normal until last Friday night. My fella and I were out at show and my cell started ringing from an unknown number. It’s my work cell so I answered and o my surprise it was KY BM trippin hard yet again. When I heard her voice I let her know I was out for the evening was not going to address her. So she left more crude messages.

Taking with my fella I found out that her reaction to his new relationship came as a result of her not receiving money from him. Not money she was entitled to but extra. Really long story made kinda short. Every time there is a money problem she calls to harass me. Am I wrong to compel my fella to seek a formal child support arrangement or end our relationship? I am at a point in my life where a gentleman either needs to add to the quality of my life as I do his or the relationship between us is not meant to be.

[downazzchick]

Wow! I commend you on acting like a big girl! I can tell that you have lived Drama free for a while and don't take no mess! As far as you deciding to leave him. Well I don't know. Just figure out if he is worth your time. Your man can see that you can handle yourself well, but if you act as if her calls/harrassment does not bother you then it will continue. Also if he is not willing to step up and "handle" the situation (via. court order)then he is not willing to take care of what he needs to have you. Sounds like your a great woman and don't need to waste your time. Is he worth the trouble?

[lovejones08]

Your fella may need to take more action as far as her calling your phone because like you said you are an innocent bystander to their ugly rel firstationship and after that phone call not going anywhere then her time for you to hear her out is done. When she calls your phone he needs to answer and deal with that mess or maybe you should consider a number change because may not stop those nonsenical phone calls, but you are a strong woman. Remember that you there for support but you cannot fight your fellas battle for him. He has to crank that ignition first

[wbmama]

I agree - I agree! I think your BF should seek an attorney - or go thru child support enforcement in your state. Where I live (the south) a non-custodial parent cannot iniciate child support thru the state - the custodial parent has to. We tried. It makes the biggest difference once there is court ordered child support. The Crazy BM is stuck - what can she argue?

[wbmama]

Good point tellitlikeitis...

[downazzchick]

You know an attorney is a good idea, but can be very costly. Sometimes it's better to work things out if you can so that you can put that extra money on something that would benefit the child. I know we can't always run to an attorney when we have problems. We are still paying on it right now from legal issues from 2006.

[wbmama]

Attorneys are expensive - I KNOW! And the reason I harp on it is I see first hand the benefits of court orders. I work in the court system.

That couple of thousand dollars is so worth some control of an ugly situation, which does benefit the child.

Coming up with an "contract" without an attorney is great too. Come to an agreement, have it signed and notarized.

There is a problem w/ that though, when one of the parties gets angry and quits following the contract - then you're going to end up in an attorneys office anyway.

I wish my DH had of hired an attorney while the BM was still pregnant! Visitation would be set and be a habit.

[downazzchick]

We did everything we are suppose to do concerning the courts. We have visitation rights and a reasonable payment each month and BM does not abide by them. We (DH and I) are tired! She has successfully broke us up and had him placed in jail. He does not want to go through that anymore so we just let her keep the child away. Sometimes when she is in a good mood or things are going her way we get to see the child. We just have to sit back and wait till those times come.