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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 22, 2008 16:12:27 GMT -5
I can only speak for myself, but there is a level to becoming "involved." We also have different interpretations of what becoming "involved" is.
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Post by wbmama on Apr 22, 2008 16:56:23 GMT -5
when someone calls your house talking sh*t to you - you do what? When the bm sends you nasty emails - you do what?
I'm sure wives/gfs like to be pulled into the drama --- kinda like the women who like to get the sh*t stirred on message boards.
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 22, 2008 17:10:16 GMT -5
But why would they do that, Is the gf or bm to much involved?
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Post by Keia1 on Apr 22, 2008 17:36:20 GMT -5
Im going to have to agree with cloudy on this one....when gf or wifey is overly involved it has just as much of a negative effect on the child as the mom's crazy antics. You can essentially become the crazy wife or crazy gf. (not saying that you are) Baby's Mom may not like the extra involvement decides to keep SD away. Have you ever considered that your "involvement" may be what's keeping SD away from DH and DH away from SD. Tough question but like cloudy says it needs to be examined closely. Obviously BM has nothing but disdain for you and it is possibly that your over-involvement is fueling the DRAMA. I have always said from the beginning it is better to let DH or BD handle it is his problem. I think wifey or gf should be a support person don't get me wrong but honestly if BM wants to talk to BD what's wrong with that. You can sit in the background and listen or let DH call her on 3 way and listen if you're around. I just think as BM maybe your involvement is extra drama to her as if she has issues with or wants your husband that's enough drama right there. But truthfully some other woman will always want your man....that's the 100% truth. I think maybe you could try bowing out of it gracefully and letting DH handle it maybe it will be better. Even though she is older .....maybe it will all pan out to where BM doesn't want to talk to BD all that much period. Don't knock it till you try it. It shouldn't be a power struggle....because the kid loses in the end.
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 22, 2008 18:17:53 GMT -5
Ok, is this the Keia1 I think it is? Because I'm agreeing with you, agreeing with cloudy. There is a level of involvement but what extent? I think this is where we should trust in the man to take of most of the situations. And step when we are needed...(being that support). As much as I'd like to get involved, I have to stop and ask myself; Is this what I really want to do and will it make a difference (positively)? You have some bm's that are workable and some that are not.
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Post by junieb2 on Apr 22, 2008 18:17:53 GMT -5
I was once told by a minister friend that he counsels couples like this: Anything that has to do with your past life you should deal with it and protect your spouse from it; this includes BM, MIL, SD, SS, cousins, aunts, uncles (WHOEVER). Now, of course, he tells them this when counseling them to prepare for marriage or to better their marriage. THAT'S IN AN IDEAL WORLD. However, when the DH fails to protect his wife from the BM then it is MY JOB to protect my household. Anyone and anything that affects them IS MY BUSINESS! When he learns tools to protect our family then he can go it alone, but until then I've got his back and mine.
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Post by wbmama on Apr 22, 2008 18:19:45 GMT -5
Tellit is right - what IS the defination of involvement?
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Post by Keia1 on Apr 22, 2008 19:09:09 GMT -5
Involvement......should be limited between casual hello's and goodbyes...any discussions you have with bm should be about the childrens welfare...not stay the hell away from your hubby or bf, not about what phones shes calling, not about money (let bd handle it) if YOU have a problem take it to BD he is YOUR man and it is his JOB to have your BACK and explain how it will benefit you and if not explain to you why it has to be this way...NOT BM's. You should not email BM, call BM unless you have kids at your home and kids are sick, unless you (and I mean u personally not you and hubby or bf) are cordially inviting the kids to an event, unless you need to know what size the kids wear etc. BM and gf or wifey contact should be limited to discussing the children only....NOT BD. If you are BD's gf or wifey it's only natural for you to be on his side and want to defend him. Therefore it is better you NOT enter into any type of argument with her...DO NOT FLAUNT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE THE WIFEY OR GF...IT WILL ONLY CAUSE DRAMA...NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING IT IS. Remember you are a part of BD's life...not BM's she doesn't have to respect you personally because you are his wifey or gf.....she just has to respect the fact that you are his wifey and gf and that you are in his life. Your title does not entitle you to anything from the BM. If she is nasty or disrespectful do not stoop to her level simply cut off contact. To go back and forth is to only endanger the fragile relationship that man has with that child. Love the man, love the kids....but you don't have to love the BM. Just respect the fact that she is the BM and that those are her kids and that he will always owe her money until 18 and be in her kids life...even if not hers. Behave with dignity and let her know you are not intimidated by her. Because if she thinks so....oh the games she will play.....
Understand that your man had a past before you.....and that is okay but he must tame that tiger not you. Remember if another woman can beat you rocking she is entitled to that chair...just stay on your toes so that her or no other woman beats you rocking. Any issues take it to BD aka BIG DADDY. LOL!
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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 22, 2008 19:24:46 GMT -5
Keia, I respect your viewpoint..I am starting the like hearing the BM's view because I am learning a lot from you.
Myself personally, I don't go back in forth with BM. WE (she & I) say what we have to say and are done with it. She may piss me off, but we say it. I may piss her off, but we say it...Honestly, we have never butted heads over the child...WE (BM & I) can have a very decent conversation discussing the child...
We have butted heads over DH...Not as much anymore about her trying to "get" with him but her trying to get into our household affairs or in DH's financial business.
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 22, 2008 20:10:32 GMT -5
Just think before you slingshot back at your bm, are my kids around while I am acting a fool. Just like kids dont need to see mommy and daddy bicker back and forth, they dont need to see two moms goin at each others throats neither. We are suppose to be the nurturers...stay calm and ad I'll let my honey get back to you on that one sweetie..KILLEMWITHKINDNESS
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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 22, 2008 20:22:19 GMT -5
You know, I tried that "killemwithkindness." I still try to kill her with kindness. I don't snap on her the way that I used to. That's why I like this board so much....I don't respond to BM's constant barbs like I used to. I used to fly off the handle & DH kept telling me that she was only doing it to get under my skin. Now, I get annoyed at what she has to say, but I don't respond to it. But, afterwards, I get off of the phone & call my best friend or a family member to vent. That's why I like this board so much. I can say what I want to say here...It helps to vent. Even though I am not acting a fool with her, I can act a fool on this board by expressing my feelings. It is therapeutic ..... I can say as many nasty things about her as I want but when I talk with the BM, I keep it strictly professional even though I want to scream from the top of my lungs ....
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Post by wbmama on Apr 23, 2008 4:53:15 GMT -5
I would never allow my kids to see fighting with the CBM - problems is they know what she's all about. They've all figured it out. On the weekends they say "where's _____? Oh, I guess his mom won't let him come." They see it.
the child involved is too young to get it. Anyway, he's getting the "your daddy don't want you..." We heard her say that to him.
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 23, 2008 10:51:32 GMT -5
Ya know, I slept on all this and I think I'd rather not become involved and eventually pack up my family and disappear. My honey has dealt with it before I came along and he probably hasnt brought his kids around that much to keep the peace in our home. At least I hope this is why. But if so I'm ready to go, cuz I dont want to go through half of what some on here has been through. I'm liable to catch a case...and i aint never been to jail. Dont want to go neither.
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Post by wbmama on Apr 23, 2008 16:08:01 GMT -5
You won't go to jail...I may. LOLOLOL Atleast according to my BM - I just can't figure out what crime I committed. Is it illegal to invite a kid to a birthday party?
Don't give up until you've given it a shot. You never know what its going to be like for you- my case is EXTREME! Even our attorney rarely sees this type of crazy.
Take it slow - see what happens. I have another BM who likes me a lot - we get along great. I'm good to her kids - I know my place - I respect her and she respects me. No big deal. No problems. It can work.
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 23, 2008 16:50:15 GMT -5
wbmama, has the decent one been sane from the begin? Also when psycho acts a fool to you take notes and report these harassments to the authorities. Do you save those messages and emails she sends? Can you tell I been readin Ch 6..The violent BM. Whatever you do dont let her provoke you..just have proof.
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