baby mama still not accepting reality

[memy]

Jay no matter what, these particular BM's will have to "suffer" the reality that a new woman exists in their BD's life whether it's thrown in their face or not.

Let's use your sitch for example: Your SD's celly is in your name and as long as the child has that phone.....It's a constant reminder that U exist and so on.

IMO, some reminders are called for in order for the reality to eventually set in (even if it's light years away) that BD has moved on.

I refuse to tip-toe around these chicks

[jaylady999]

HA! Thats my point Memy, I dont tiptoe around anybody. I havent seen BM since Memorial Day and before that, it had been about 3 years. I dont talk to her or see her, so I really should be of a nonissue to her and thats ok with me.

DH doesnt talk to her that often either simply because SD does have the celly and she talks to her daddy every single day. But when BM and DH do talk, its about the kids, really I cant think of one reason why my name should be brought up at all

BD called me today to get Lil Jay squared up for Christmas, we talked about 30 minutes trying to figure out who is going to get what for the boy. K's name didnt even come up, because it was not necessary.

See BM does have to deal with the reality that I exist EVERY SINGLE DAY, because I am the man's wife. But it doesnt have to be because DH is throwing my name up in their conversations. This SM right here doesnt even want to be a part of their conversation.

[memy]

Don't get me wrong there's been times where I've mentioned to SO to keep my name out his mouth when it comes to convos with BM's. But from what I hear, BM can't keep my name out HER mouth.

So this is why I say, it doesn't really matter what status you have in the mans life (cuz Jay U were a GF b4 U became a wife)....It's the fact that you are there PERIOD and providing her BD with the happiness that SHE couldn't.

Therefore, should us Gf's/Wives/BD's stop doing what we do in order to appease BM? I think NOT!

[jaylady999]

So this is why I say, it doesn't really matter what status you have in the mans life (cuz Jay U were a GF b4 U became a wife)....It's the fact that you are there PERIOD and providing her BD with the happiness that SHE couldn't.

Right, but I can honestly say, my BMD subsided LOOONNNGGG before I became his wife. Partially because I didnt play into BM games. AT ALL

Therefore, should us Gf's/Wives/BD's stop doing what we do in order to appease BM? I think NOT!

Honestly, GFs/Wives really shouldnt be doing anything at all as it concerns BM to begin with. And its not about appeasing BM, its about keeping down drama. What is the point in showing her that you are the new chick in town? It keeps up drama and its doesnt make sense. I know who runs my household...ME. But is it something I have to show and prove to BM? Nope. She is just not important enough to me to even think that much about ;D

[memy]

"Honestly, GFs/Wives really shouldnt be doing anything at all as it concerns BM to begin with."

Contrere Mon Frere......We're dealing with women whom, if it has anything to do with their kids, Has plenty to do with HER.

And Jay if you really take a look at it, it's BM's who are more concerned about the new chick than vice versa. Why? Because BM is not used to ANY female being a permanent in BD's life and having influence on his decisions.

This brings up the question that came to mind the other day......Am I stepping on BM's toes or She stepping on mine???

[jaylady999]

And Jay if you really take a look at it, it's BM's who are more concerned about the new chick than vice versa. Why? Because BM is not used to ANY female being a permanent in BD's life and having influence on his decisions.

But thats just it. I have zero influence with DH as it concerns his kids. They are HIS kids. So yes, if DH and BM use to do things a certain way and then I come along and now DH wants to change his stance, IMO, thats wrong. My existance shouldnt change one single solitary thing with the way DH and BM parent their children and thus far, it hasnt. So while I have alot of influence over my husband, I have none where it concerns kids who do not belong to me, NOR DO I WANT IT.

This brings up the question that came to mind the other day......Am I stepping on BM's toes or She stepping on mine???

I know for my sitch, I am not stepping on BM toes as it concerns her children and she certainly aint steppin on mine because my toes are not even put out there for her to step on. I have a DH who protects me from all that.

Bottom line, I am not fun for BM because I dont indulge in her games.

[memy]

So Jay, ur saying that YOU had no influence at all as it pertained to the way your DH (then SO) dealth with BM from the jump???

[gemmani]

In this particular situation, I will say why BM needs to get over Azyha being around:

BM has no issue at all with using her car or whatever else when it suits her. She cannot pick and choose when Azyha should exist or not. She exists when she needs a ride, because no Ayzha, no ride. IDK, normally I fully and totally agree that SM and BM don't need to interact at all whatsoever. But their lives seem to be quite intertwined anyway. In my way of thinking, you can't have your cake and eat it too.
In every other example mentioned, there is no contact or anything between BM and SM. There would naturally be no need to mention SM to BM, my situation included. At the same time, if it was reasonable and logical to mention SM for any reason, that's something BM needs to accept. There's normally no reason for that to happen, but in this case Ayzha's the one with the CAR, not SO, which is a major factor in being an emergency contact. BM especially knows that's true because SHE has used her car also!

I can and do understand not throwing things in BM's face. HOWEVER this is kind of like biting off her nose to spite her face. But whatever, the fact of the matter is that BM's emotions override logic any day. It is what it is and it's not going to change. Just my POV.

[gemmani]

Nov 23, 2009 20:26:12 GMT -5 jaylady999 said:

But thats just it. I have zero influence with DH as it concerns his kids. They are HIS kids. So yes, if DH and BM use to do things a certain way and then I come along and now DH wants to change his stance, IMO, thats wrong. My existance shouldnt change one single solitary thing with the way DH and BM parent their children and thus far, it hasnt. So while I have alot of influence over my husband, I have none where it concerns kids who do not belong to me, NOR DO I WANT IT.

I'd have to say I disagree with that. If their style of parenting affects me, I'm going to say something to DH about it. He has changed certain aspects because my existance. I'm not going to adjust and adapt my life to his without him doing the same. He was more than willing to do so, not like I twisted his arm. I have no influence with BM, but I d**n sure do with my husband. If he wasn't willing to hear me out and consider my POV, I'd have to seriously rethink our relationship in general. As his wife I sure do have the power to change things. It works for us because I'm not setting out to affect the dynamic negatively and I'm not working to push them out of hs life. He knows that there are other people to consider now and certain decisions must be adjusted to suit everyone in the household.

[jaylady999]

Nov 23, 2009 20:33:31 GMT -5 @memy said:

So Jay, ur saying that YOU had no influence at all as it pertained to the way your DH (then SO) dealth with BM from the jump???

I absolutely did, BUT not where it concerns the kids. My only influence was how he dealt with her as a woman, not how he dealt with her as a mother. There is a difference

[jaylady999]

I'd have to say I disagree with that. If their style of parenting affects me, I'm going to say something to DH about it.

For me, I cant think of one way DH and BMs parenting style has affected my life.

He has changed certain aspects because my existance. I'm not going to adjust and adapt my life to his without him doing the same. He was more than willing to do so, not like I twisted his arm. I have no influence with BM, but I d**n sure do with my husband. If he wasn't willing to hear me out and consider my POV, I'd have to seriously rethink our relationship in general.

Of course Gem, my DH hears me out on any and everything I have to say. BUT its just that I dont have much of anything to say about DH and his parenting with BM.

As his wife I sure do have the power to change things. It works for us because I'm not setting out to affect the dynamic negatively and I'm not working to push them out of hs life. He knows that there are other people to consider now and certain decisions must be adjusted to suit everyone in the household.

Absolutely Gem. I know I have the power to change things. Many many things. But things as they relate to my skids, not interested. They dont belong to me. And luckily I have a husband who considers me and all that is done when he does make decisions that involve his children

[memy]

Now Jay U know how these Crazies hide behind their kids as a means to getting away with the BS. Only problemo I had with BM was her perception that he was to cater to her in order to have access to his kids. This was not gonna fly with ME, and because of that, BM feels that I have stepped on her toes. Not my problem. If these particular BM's were less self serving and put their kids needs before their own, we wouldn't have these kinds of issues. Therein lies the problem. I had to show SO that he didn't have to kiss BM's azz to be a good father to his kids.

Oh and there is no mothering where a CrazyBM is concerned. Cuz a woman who is jealous that her kids get more attention from their father than she, is less than that.

[ty1981]

Personally, I wouldn't want to be on the emergency card....but if it were necessary I would. My problem with this is it's not about what's best for the kid. If I were the only one with a car....she should want me on it because it's in the best interest of the child. The child would need the person who could get their the fastest. As much as banana cream pie and I have had our differences...I would scoop her up on the way if she didn't have a car because it's the right thing to do. I would do it for a stranger...I d**n sure would do it for DH's kids.

[memy]

It's nice when adults can put their pride to the side for the kids.. I wouldn't have minded it one bit. If BD lived in the vicinity and felt comfortable enough to add one of his lady friends and I was comfortable with his judgement, then that would have to ride too. In the end it's all about working together for the children.

But that's a hard pill for a selfish BM to swallow. Can't do nuthin bout that.

[jaylady999]

Now Jay U know how these Crazies hide behind their kids as a means to getting away with the BS.

Yep, but its been far more effective long term for me to help DH in dealing with her than going after BM myself.

Only problemo I had with BM was her perception that he was to cater to her in order to have access to his kids. This was not gonna fly with ME, and because of that, BM feels that I have stepped on her toes. Not my problem.

Her not letting DH see his kids isnt MY problem. Its his problem. He dealt with that.

If these particular BM's were less self serving and put their kids needs before their own, we wouldn't have these kinds of issues. Therein lies the problem. I had to show SO that he didn't have to kiss BM's azz to be a good father to his kids.

Personally, for me, I am glad DH learned it on his own. The only thing that I did to show him was me being a mother to my child and giving my own BD cart blance with Lil Jay. Through me, DH saw how it should be and decided alone not to put up with her madness.

Oh and there is no mothering where a CrazyBM is concerned. Cuz a woman who is jealous that her kids get more attention from their father than she, is less than that.

True that, but still not my problem. Her mother skills, or the lack thereof dont concern me. She is damaging her own kids and I will never be the one to be capt save a child. Nope. Got my own child to worry about.