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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 23, 2009 21:57:09 GMT -5
It's nice when adults can put their pride to the side for the kids.. I wouldn't have minded it one bit. If BD lived in the vicinity and felt comfortable enough to add one of his lady friends and I was comfortable with his judgement, then that would have to ride too. In the end it's all about working together for the children.
But that's a hard pill for a selfish BM to swallow. Can't do nuthin bout that.
I consider myself far from selfish, but where it concerns my child, I got it. For me, its not even about BD or any SO he may have, even if it were his wife. Its just that I've created my work schedule and life around my son so that I can be the one who is there for him when he needs someone to pick him up. I just cant see it any other way.
And this just comes from me being a single mother for 3 years, I learned very early on that *I* am the only one that *I* can depend on 100%.
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Post by memy on Nov 23, 2009 22:06:09 GMT -5
"Personally, for me, I am glad DH learned it on his own. The only thing that I did to show him was me being a mother to my child and giving my own BD cart blance with Lil Jay. Through me, DH saw how it should be and decided alone not to put up with her madness."
Whether it be telling someone verbally or showing them through your own actions...you are still an influence.
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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 23, 2009 22:16:55 GMT -5
Perhaps, but my goal was never to "show her she cant mess over my man". I just did what I always do and take care of my son and dont exclude BD in it. DH just picked up on it and realized that he doesnt have to deal with her nonsense
Now on the BS, like calling him whenever she felt like it or asking him for favors that had nothing to do with being a father, those things I openly admit I not only had influence, I nipped that shyt in the bud. ;D
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Post by memy on Nov 23, 2009 22:34:37 GMT -5
"Now on the BS, like calling him whenever she felt like it or asking him for favors that had nothing to do with being a father, those things I openly admit I not only had influence, I nipped that shyt in the bud. " See now, that's the Jay I know... ;D And one thing I have come to learn is that actions and being myself trumps over telling SO what should be done in HIS situation. He's realizing the type of mother I am, compared to his BM's and is realizing that there IS a better way....  |
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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 23, 2009 22:51:22 GMT -5
And one thing I have come to learn is that actions and being myself trumps over telling SO what should be done in HIS situation. He's realizing the type of mother I am, compared to his BM's and is realizing that there IS a better way.... B-I-N-G-O!!!  |
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Post by memy on Nov 23, 2009 23:17:15 GMT -5
Ayzha ~ I'm still trying to figure out why SS goes over to BM's house on the weekends if that isn't his mother  |
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ayzha
Junior Member
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Post by ayzha on Nov 23, 2009 23:20:10 GMT -5
I have seen a dramtic change in my SO and BM interaction. I dont know if it was all me pestering him and him ignoring her every so often or she just getting a semi-life. She no longer ask my SO to family days when she has both boys because he always said no. The very first time she asked, he said that you threw all that away when you kicked my out. She didnt like that. She told him to stop hanging on the past. (Hello, your past affects your present and your future). She no longer ask him to take her to her family get togethers. She would even have her mom jump in and say that you need to be here to help with the baby. I told him that if they couldnt handle the baby that we could watch him otherwise she has her entire family that would love to hold the baby. She no longer ask to be picked up from random places. She use to call every night like at eleven saying that the baby wants to say good night. That was B.S since baby was like 10 months. She use to call all the time while he had the baby. BM has came a long way. Now she only calls him when Im not around because she gets mad if my SO ask me something while on the phone with her. Plus he gets off the phone and says only like ok, uuh uhh, and small words. When I am home, BM usually will just text my SO something now which I like. I bother him if she text after ten but he said that he stopped replying so she hasnt done it in a while.
I think that my training my SO has a lot to do with it although he needs training still. He checks out any of the ordinary things through with me because he said that he knows that I will have problems which is d**n right. No more birthdays excluding me, SO and I will do our own thing. She didnt like that but he gave her the option of attending only with my presence. Sometimes I feel bad about how I tripped on my SO. I use to always tell him that he wanted her and they will end up back together. He has proved to me on more than one occassion that he has no interest in her. He hasnt hanged out over there with baby mama for the past month because I put my foot down and said that I wont have this one day a week leaving me to hang out and play families. I found a picture that bm had in the baby's bag of just her and my SO dated 7/31/09 cheek to cheek. I was soooooo pissed. I told him that this is why she doesnt like me. SHe was still having her family moments and I reminded her of what she wanted all the time. He was like she just wanted to take a picture. In the back of it she wrote, "Good times, being silly with BD". I was like I will take you there with her. I couldnt deal with it any more. I broke down like I never did before. He said that he knows it looked really bad especially since I was not completely over her Halloween Bs. He said that he just wanted to spend time with his son. He respects my wishes and only picks the baby up an extra day. See I told him that I felt like you think you have two women and they both know about eachother but I will not be involved. He told me that he will work on boundaries more. He hears me talk about them from you guys here. He has really been trying to make me feel better about this. Im just mad that I didnt threaten him early on in our relationship but its all working out.
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ayzha
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Post by ayzha on Nov 24, 2009 1:11:23 GMT -5
Oh to answer Memy question. See my SS5 was basically spending time with BM or my SO mom during the end of her pregnancy and the first few months that her and BD broke up until him and I got a place together. Once we moved in together SS who had just turned 4 was under me. BM would ask my SO to bring him over but he didnt because he woud always say that SS had to be in bed by a certain time. Finally a few months after SS was only dealing with me, my SO took him over to BM house. I didnt like it but he asked me how would you feel if I got a new girlfriend and told you that you cant see SS5 because she doesnt want you to. He said that wouldnt be right since you took care of him. So total, BM took care of SS who was then 3 for a total of six months per say. I know that I am not the bio mom so what can I really say. My SO does tell me that I am the mom but just this past weekend I mentioned to him that its really not fair that he takes SS5 from me on Fridays every weekend. He said that I have Saturday class til 1pm which I do so I wouldnt really be dealing with him during til afternoon. My SO usually goes out with his cousin on Friday nights and doesnt like to get up early from drinking (bad I know but I keep him hostage all week and couples need their own life outside of their SO IMO ). My SO told me this weekend that he will tell BM that he wants the boys an entire weekend when I am done with school for winter. My SO excuse is that the brothers are able to spend time with eachother. He said that he hates that the boys wont have the same bond that him and his brother have since they only see eachother primarily on the weekends. I tell my SO that when we have a child together that it will not be going to his BM house and will have to bond with SS2 at our house. He insist that BM will care for all his kids the same because they are still related to SS2. Thats BS. Not believing it at all.
I see it that BM doesnt have a car or a man so right now children are her entertainment.
Early on in the relationship, BM use to ask my SO to watch the baby on Friday or Saturday and he always said no, you wanted a baby so you have your baby. I told him that was not right and that she should be able to go out to. Many times we didnt even have plans. He always said no saying that he didnt want for her to get use to the idea of asking him to watch the baby because he enjoyed his weekends. During the beginning time, SS5 would be at his granny house but due to the change in her work schedule she started working late Fridays and on some weekends.
Trust me I hate that SS5 goes over to BM house but Ive learned to accept that he is not 100% mine and although I have rank over BM if I really had plans ex: halloween, my SO is the only Bio-parent and has the final say so. He feels that he is being a good dad while having the brothers spend extra time with eachother.
I dont plan on this going on forever. It use to be very sparingly when he would go over but sometime in June is when it became a routine except weekends when BM mom tells her that she wants peace and quiet. I hope that BM gets a life outside of her son even if that means going back to school. I want for her to have a better life. I sort of feel sorry for her but then again she did this to herself so I get over it quickly.
Trust me what I have learned from all this is that a baby cant keep a man. I mean it keeps him involved with you but Im sorry, I wouldnt want to constantly see someone that I really wanted to be with as they walked away to where they feel happier.
I know that at the blink of an eye, I could easily be pregnant and be BM3 but one thing that I know is that I have stuff going on aside from my uterus.
My BF family ask me all the time to get pregnant even if he doesnt want a child. OK. do they not see his track record. A kid doesnt keep him. I tell them that I want to be something different. I want to be a wife. They just say ok, but dont wait too long. My SO mom even went on to say indirectly that I cant get pregnant. I guess she doesnt understand why Im not trying to trap her son too. LOL. I have a lot going on and if anything he should be trying to trap me. j/k. My SO says that he doesnt want any more kids now. He said that he never had a child that he planned and wants to share that with his wife the next time that he has a kid. I have no problem with that.
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Post by memy on Nov 24, 2009 8:53:17 GMT -5
IMO, your SO takes advantage of BM for HIS babysitting needs and YOU as well. None of these kids are yours but often seem to be in your care or BM's. I'm sorry but this man seems to need nothing more than a baby sitter. Does he even work while he has all this free time and $$$ to have a social life?? I'm sorry, but stuff like this pisses me off  |
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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 24, 2009 9:01:56 GMT -5
I agree Memy. Its very important that as GFs/wives we learn to draw the line very early on. My DH is roadrunner by nature. But when skids are there, he sits his behind down and spends time with them. Although he does it because he genuinely enjoys them and being around them, there is no way I'd allow him to pick them up and then leave them with me.
Its HIS visitation time and we can definitely spend it as a family, but the purpose of them being there is for him, not me. Work is one thing, thats understandable, and even if the majority of his weekend will be spend working, I'd still say, they need to come another weekend when he's not working. And him out socializing while I got the kids is a definite nope.
And I must also ad, as BM, I'd be highly pissed if BD picked up Lil Jay and knew he wouldnt be able to spend the time with him. Um, leave him with me if you know you cant spend time with him. That simple
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Post by memy on Nov 24, 2009 9:20:35 GMT -5
Ayzha ~ You have to realize that you are a tool to this man. He is obviously pining you and BM against each other, which explains her NEED to be in SS5's life. And for him to be o.k. with it, while SHE on the other doesn't want YOU caring for THEIR child. Someone needs to draw the line here and you sound like a smart girl. Don't let this man ruin you.
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Post by memy on Nov 24, 2009 9:28:02 GMT -5
I tell my SO that when we have a child together that it will not be going to his BM house and will have to bond with SS2 at our house. He insist that BM will care for all his kids the same because they are still related to SS2. Thats BS. Not believing it at all." This right here, tells me he's out of his MF'n mind. You better run while there's still time...  |
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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 24, 2009 9:29:52 GMT -5
I tell my SO that when we have a child together that it will not be going to his BM house and will have to bond with SS2 at our house. He insist that BM will care for all his kids the same because they are still related to SS2. Thats BS. Not believing it at all."
Ewww, sometimes I wonder what these men think? I agree with you Memy, kids bond on YOUR turf only.
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Post by gemmani on Nov 24, 2009 14:07:15 GMT -5
Oh jeeze, YOUR child can go to BM's house? GTFOH. I'll be d**ned, I swear on everything. My child isn't going anywhere near BM's house. Luckily DH doesn't want the kids he shares with her at her house, nevermind OUR child. |
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ayzha
Junior Member
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Post by ayzha on Nov 24, 2009 16:38:22 GMT -5
Yeah I would never allow that to happen either. He even went as far as to say that when she has a child with someone else it will hang out. I hope that BM has more sense than that since she complains about me watching SS2. Well today was one of the first days that I checked my SO about his responsibilities with SS5. This morning SO called me while I was at work asking why SS5 was in a jean jacket when its cold. We are in la so not freezing. I told him that the jacket was left at school and he will get his heave sweater today. SO went on trying to lecture me about all the other thick sweaters in the house. I usually listen and say ok but today I said we left at the same time. Did you look at him. He's like no I just walked out to the car. I told him that of he has a problem with how I'm dressing him then he could do it himself. SO was like maybe I will because you aren't doing a good job. I just hung up. This is his son that I love dearly and I do everything for him but I get mad like I feel that SO is comparing me to BM. its other things that he says comparing me to her and I think there is where a lot of my anger against her began since she hd never done anything directed towards me initially. I feel like I'm on two sides. I really want to feel like SS5 is mine since he has no bio mom. My SO tries to make me feel like a mom but issues concerning bm make me upset because I know so much wouldn't be happening if he were truely mine. Even though Bm is not his mom. My SO treats her like the stepnom and I feel that I shouldn't have to be dealing with her concerns with SS5. She always gets mad at my SO when he refers to me as the mom. She hs told him a few times that she was here first helping with him. They never lived together till the last year of the relationship and Bm wasn't trying to be active til last few months of pregnancy and when SO and I got together and she became even worst once she figures our seriousness. I honestly feel that she is using SS to keep more involvement in my SO life. She has more activities to be a part of.
I'm a unique case on the form so I know that no one can really relate.
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