some advice please

[therealyouknow]

Trincia and cee are obviously females who feel as if they are above making a mistake or mistakes. They desperately need to feel as if they are above someone else for their own self esteem purposes.

I know married women who have more drama than some BM's. My ex is on that he feels that because he was married to his ex wife who cheated on him and dogged him somehow that makes his "status" above that of someone who is as you call it "an unwed mother". He helps take care of her son who is not his because he's grown attached him. However, he fails to realize that just because he married that broad doesn't mean he's one step above....he is a divorcee.....a person with a history of failed marriage.

BM's are all over the place from Halle, to Diddy's kids mom's to Courtney Kardashian to everywhere. I know plenty of BM's who have later married their' BD's. Each sitch truly is different. I know BM's who are living and treated better than some wives. I know a wife who's husband beat her, he got locked up, cheated her and they eventually ended up divorced. He still doesn't help her take care of her kids. She's his ex-wife./BM who cares.

A lot of people talk about BM's entitlement but some wives feel that paper entitles them to all this nuts and it does legally but if you don't have a good husband it doesn't make any difference if your a wife or not. A least a BM can say we weren't married, whats your excuse for marrying a dog. Only to pay to get rid of him later.

My pride is in being a woman who made a choice to have her child and give him the best life possible. My pride is in being an overcomer and becoming a successful RN with her own 2009 whip, crib, and money in the bank. My pride is watching my son grow and knowing that he doesn't have to want for anything. My pride is looking at my 3 year olds bedroom set I bought him and saying wow he has such a beautiful room. My pride is knowing that I don't need a title such as BM or wife to define me. My value is in who I am alone. My pride is knowing that whether I marry or never marry I can hold my own and I don't need a man to take care of me or mine because I am independent and self sufficient. My pride is that I don't allow society or people like you to label me and tell me where I should and shouldn't fit. I'm all that as wife, as BM as GF or whatever I choose to be. The man that has me is lucky. My pride is knowing that I am a real woman and able to successfully handle the challenges life presents.

I will never resort to bashing others for their choices or situations because as a RN I know that that their are tons of psychological factors that cause people to behave as they do. I don't know what their situation is or was and I don't have a right to judge them. All you can do is lovingly present people with the truth and hope they the light will shine and they will change their ways. Stop spreading that venom. Yes marriage is honorable but not always especially when its done for the wrong reasons or with the wrong person. I suggest you two get off your high horse and come back down to planet earth.

[caderona]

@therealyouknow, I totally get what you are saying and I do applaud you for seeing that your worth as a woman does not reside in the fact that you are able to have children or worse yet that some man wanted to marry you. I think so many women place their worth in being able to bear children for a man or if a man wants to call her his wife.

While I applaud your academic and financial accomplishments and I do not doubt for a second that you are an awesome mom and your son will do very well, I see quite a few flaws in your argument.

Firstly, not because Hollywood is now "glamourising" single parenthood makes it the right way to go. Remember that a lot of those stars have nannies, and staff who care for those kids. For a lot of women, single parenthood means a life of sacrifices (educational, professional and financial) and not being able to fulfill her personal dreams. Secondly, while I do agree that you do not need a man to take care of you or your son, don't you think that he deserves to have the experience of having a Dad with him every day as he grows? Don't you think that he deserves to have a Dad when he gets home in the evenings, pick him up from school, go to school functions? But most important, don't you think he deserves to have the experience of learning about love, family and how to treat a woman firsthand with you and his Dad at home?

We are on the same page that women need to demand more of men. A loser should not be a baby father or a husband. You may think that you are better than a wife who married a loser but let me tell you having a child with this loser is the greater flaw in my estimation. A wife can get a divorce and move on and never talk to this person again but when you have a child with him it means that 50 % of your child's genes will be from this loser, your child will have this loser's name and as long as you live this loser will always be a part of your life through your child.

Contrary to popular belief, having a child with somebody is a greater committment than marrying that person. Many states will grant you a divorce in 90 days, can you and your child divorce this man...NO!

I think it is the responsibility of each and every woman to have a man earn her respect before having a child or marrying him. But I think child should only be the production of a committed, serious relationship and marriage is usually a good (although not necessary) start.

Like you, I am educated (I have a MSC, working for a Phd now) and quite independent. I love myself immensely and when I first met my husband, I was very clear about what I wanted. I told him I totally understand if he could not offer me what I wanted from a man. He had to earn my respect, trust and love. It was not for free. And we will have a child when he demonstrates to me that he is ready for parenthood with me because having a child is a greater committment than dating or marrying.

I know that life is not perfect and things don't always go the way we plan, but does that mean we should just all give up striving for what we want? Nobody should ever have babies without a committment or plan. At least, that is my opinion.

[therealyouknow]

Caderona your opinion is simply that your opinion. I know two parent families first hand and their children have not turned out any better than me. They have ended up in jail or worse and they have had a daddy at home and a "family" as you call it.

The bottom line is what you instill in your child that matters. I have a really good friend who is an engineer who was raised solely by his mom. I have another friend who had two parents and he is a professional bum. As far as loser genes.....none of us really know what's in our gene pools. But as long as my child is mixed with me....I know he will be just fine. I have already divorced my bd and don't need a piece of paper to do it. I treat him cordially but he is NOT a priority in my life.

As far as a family my husband and I will be the family for my son and any future children I have. My son was NOT a mistake he has helped shape and make and mold me into the successful woman I'am today. Soon I will be a family nurse practicioner the sky will be the limit for me and mine. Matter of fact it already is.

Like I said I don't determine my worth by marriage or whether or not I'm a BM or gf or wife. My worth is inherent. Didn't work out between BD and I oh well that is the past. Would I change it NOPE it made me who I am. And I love me and I know their is NO other woman alive who is any more valuable than I no matter what her circumstances may be. My self esteem and self image are intact. Haters will hate.....but I will always rise above the haterade why because success is the best revenge. It ain't what people call me that matter's but what I answer to.

[memyslfni]

Nov 21, 2010 17:04:57 GMT -5 @Cee said:

YOU WILL NOT be a baby's ma ma if you divorce him after you all have had children!!!!! You will be an-ex wife and they are not the same! Big difference. And she should consider dating someone with no children, if that's her choice! Because she will have drama if she is dealing with someone with a ghetto mentality and if he doesn't have a backbone...Well There It Is....Ph.D from the Society Of Having A Hard Head. Undergraduate studies from: The School Of Hardknocks

I guess that would make me the ex-fiancee/bm ;D

Point is. Crazy is Crazy whether it be a wife or not....There's just as many Crazy BM's just as there are Crazy Ex-Wives. It all just depends on what you are referred to as or in other cases, what you prefer to answer to...LoL!

[caderona]

@therealyouknow, Again, why so combative? I do regret that you viewed my comments as an attack on single parenthood or worse yet on you.

In my post I more than once said that I admire what you are doing and said I do not doubt for a second that you son will be just fine and successful in life. I never said your son was a MISTAKE or tried to undermine your worth. Yet, for some reason you felt you had to go on the defensive.

With that said, I do agree with you that the values that people instill in their children are far more important than the structure of the family. However, that does not negate the point that parenting is much easier with a partner who shares your values and parenting goals.

You said that you have a friend who had just a mom and is an engineer and another who had both parents and is a bum. I can tell you that I know of many persons from single parent homes that grew up to be very successful. The President of this country is from a single parent home. Thus, I never attacked single parenting. However, ask those mothers or fathers who raised their children alone, the kinds of sacrifices they had to make to ensure their success. I am confident they had no problem doing that for their children but the point I am making is why would anybody sign up for a struggle? Life is unpredicatble already but does that mean that we are just to live without a plan? Can you honestly say that most people who are single parents PLANNED to become that?

My intention is NOT to judge people who have kids out of wedlock or those who decide to raise to the occassion and try to be the best mom/dad without a partner. However, let us not kid ourselves into thinking that it is ideal situation for most people. Single parenthood often means a lot of emotional, financial, professional and social strains on the one parent.

I just want to leave you with these few findings:

-Single parent homes are also associated with criminal activity in the U.S.A.
-Children from a single-parent household account for 72% of teenage murderers,
- 60% percent of people who commit rape crimes and are eleven times more likely to exhibit violent behavior.

I commend all the moms/dads who are great singleparents but many studies have proven that the love of one parent never can totally fill the void of the longing of other parent. My 76 year old grand mother still cries for her dad, who her strong, independent, loving, mother kept her away from because he married another woman. She had the greatest mom, yet she still yearns for that Dad, she has not seen in 69 years.

I will reiterate, this is not an attack on you and the great job you are doing as a woman and a mother. I am merely stating that single parenting is a very difficult task and both men and women need to act more responsibly as it pertains to bringing another life into the world.

[appleblossom]

I agree. I don't look down on those women who "accidently" got pregnant and strived to move on in God's good grace. But the BMs who purposely choose to become single mothers, for whatever selfish or reckless purposes, realize much too late that they have made a big mistake. As C stated, no one would willingly choose to become a struggling single mother if there were an easier choice with a 2 parent family. I know that some single mothers have enough income or wealth to care for a child financially all on their own, but let's be real here, that is a strong minority.

Kudos to all the strong single women who cared for and raised their children all on their own. They are usually not the ones behaving childishly or creating BM drama. They are not the ones keeping one foot in the past, blocking whatever blessings they have coming their way because they can't see past the bitterness and hate.

I believe that a young single woman without children should try to seek out other young men without children. Not because they are better than women/men with children, but because a young woman may not be prepared to become an instant mother.

I believe there is a difference between a single mother and a baby mama. But it has nothing to do with marriage. What defines a baby mama is not her status title but her frame of mind. Just like there is a difference between a father and a daddy, there is a difference between a mother and a BM. A father's title doesn't come from his marriage status, but from his maturity and commitment as a father. He is not a little boy. A mother's title doesn't come from her marriage status either. It comes from her maturity and commitment as a mother. She is not a little girl.

[mzladyvee88]

I have the same problem, but the only thing is I have one daughter who is 2 years old and I am also 22 years old while my boyfriend/BD is 32 years old and he has a BM with four kids...I been with him for 4 years and I wish I had never gotten into a relationship with him because its always drama...She calls early in the morning everyday around 7 and if he dont answer the phone she calls back to back!!! Therefore please dont think about having a baby with him because you will go through hell trust me I am going through it now