Wow

[lark]

Wow. 10 views, but no one wants to touch this topic with a ten foot pole. Oh well.

[lark]

I'm referring to the poll on calling step mom "mommy".

[TooYoungForThis]

Personally, when in public or with friends, I think it's totally acceptable to refer to yourself as a pseudo-mom or step-mommy. If you're doing the parenting, you're a mom, too. I've learned in the past few months that there's a major difference between having a child, and being a mother. If the love and care are there, you're a mom. You may just happen to be the "other mommy."

I'd suggest talking to your step-son and seeing if the two of you can brainstorm a "special" name for him to call you, maybe other than "mommy," if it makes your uncomfortable. I've heard step-kids calling their step-mothers by family nicknames, and it seems to work to show that even if you didn't give birth to them, they still see you as a figure just as important as Mommy or Daddy.

In all honesty, I think it's a harder job to help co-parent someone else's child than it is with your own, so props to all the step-MOMMIES out there-- it takes a special sort of woman to love a child who's not her own.

[lark]

Thanks for responding TooYoung. I guess this is a sensitive topic for many. It's not so much me being uncomfortable with the "mommy" title, but the BM makes it hard on the child by fussing at her and badgering her to call me something else. She even went as far as to ask a judge to make me stop having the child call me "mommy".

[jaylady999]

In all honesty, I think it's a harder job to help co-parent someone else's child than it is with your own, so props to all the step-MOMMIES out there-- it takes a special sort of woman to love a child who's not her own.

Personally I dont think you SHOULD be coparenting with anyone about a child who is not yours. And if you were dealing with my sons father, you definitely wouldnt be coparenting with me OR him when it came to OUR child.

As for a child calling a steppie "Mom" or "Dad", I think its wrong. Period

[jaylady999]

Thanks for responding TooYoung. I guess this is a sensitive topic for many. It's not so much me being uncomfortable with the "mommy" title, but the BM makes it hard on the child by fussing at her and badgering her to call me something else. She even went as far as to ask a judge to make me stop having the child call me "mommy".

I dont think its sensitive a topic at all. My child wont be calling anyone other than me "Mom" and thats the end of that

[sandychristine]

Honestly I think a child has one mommy and one daddy.... but i believe it sould be left up to the child what they want to call the step parent not to either the parent nor the other party. Let the child decide what is good for them.

[jaylady999]

I agree. My son does call my husband Pops, but he grew into that ON HIS OWN and there was no way I would have allowed him to do that at 2 or 3 years old, let alone, promote it. My son is 14 now and his stepfather has been in his life since he was 3. DS made that decision on his own and at an age where I knew he fully understood the difference between his Pops and his Dad.

[guest lark]

Okay Jay, I will respond to your post. As long as I am married, and another woman's child is in my home, they will obey our (my husband and I) rules. I have a say in how this child behaves when they are under MY roof. That is called co-parenting. And I have been in this child's life from birth. I changed her diapers, read her bed time stories, comforted her when she was sick, wiped her butt when she went potty, etc. etc.. My husband and I are a TEAM. It's a package deal, and if baby mama doesn't like it she can stuff it. I don't give a rat's ass if my husband's child takes comfort in calling me mommy. As she has gotten older, I have explained the difference between bio mommy and step mommy. I have asked her if she wants to call me anything else. SHE still chooses to call my mommy. BM can't control what goes on in MY HOUSEHOLD. I just don't like the fact that she exhibits piss poor parenting skills by taking her anger at me out on an innocent child.

[guest lark]

Whether you like it or not, stepparenting IS coparenting. That's what happens when BD gets married and BMs child has to go over to THEIR household. BMs need to understand, whether they like it or not, you run YOUR household. Husband and WIFE run THEIR household. BMs try to overstep their boundaries when they start expecting to run another FAMILY'S household.

[jaylady999]

Okay Jay, I will respond to your post. As long as I am married, and another woman's child is in my home, they will obey our (my husband and I) rules. I have a say in how this child behaves when they are under MY roof.

Yep, I say the same about my nieces and nephews when they come over too. I say that for ANY child who comes into my home. They will obey the house rules(most of which I have determined). But setting rules for mu home does not make me a parent to my stepkids, nieces, nephews, godkids, or anyone else. I am only a parent to the one child I gave birth to and I am fine with that.

That is called co-parenting.

Um, sorry, but its not. I dont coparent with my sisters just because their kids come over quite often. I dont coparent with my BFF because her daughter is my goddaughter and she is ALWAYS over my home. If thats the case then my sons teachers are coparents as well. Afterall, they do set rules for my son to follow in their classroom and quite frankly, he spends as much time at school as he does at home. But I am still the parent along with BD. No one else. Not BDs GF, not even my DH. Any FINAL say regarding my son goes through me and BD alone.

And I have been in this child's life from birth. I changed her diapers, read her bed time stories, comforted her when she was sick, wiped her butt when she went potty, etc. etc.. My husband and I are a TEAM.

And thats fine. But if you were my son's stepmother, your TEAM would not include parenting my kid. Any decisions that are made regarding my child would be mine and BDs. If you want a say so in that, you would take it up with your husband and be a part of his half of the vote, but that would be between you and him and it would be absolutely NOTHING I'd give a rats ass about *shugs*

It's a package deal, and if baby mama doesn't like it she can stuff it.

Whatever. For this BM, the package gets split when it comes to my child. But as the parent who has the full time custody of my son and always has, you can see where your say would not mean a hill of beans to me, right?

I don't give a rat's ass if my husband's child takes comfort in calling me mommy. As she has gotten older, I have explained the difference between bio mommy and step mommy. I have asked her if she wants to call me anything else. SHE still chooses to call my mommy. BM can't control what goes on in MY HOUSEHOLD. I just don't like the fact that she exhibits piss poor parenting skills by taking her anger at me out on an innocent child.

Yep, that is a very bad thing for her to do and not excusable in the least. Still doesnt make you any more of a parent to that child though. Not matter how much you believe it does. You are not. And if her hand is ever forced, you'd quickly find that out.

[jaylady999]

Whether you like it or not, stepparenting IS coparenting.

You can say it as many times as you want, doesnt make it true. I have been in my step kids lives before even they can remember. I love them to pieces. I love them as much as a SM possibly could, but I am still not their mother and quite frankly I think its very disrespectful to even try to put myself on her level when it comes to HER kids. I have a very healthy relationship with them that I thoroughly enjoy. It is very fulfilling to me that I am their SM so I have no desire to try to put myself into their mothers role.

That's what happens when BD gets married and BMs child has to go over to THEIR household. BMs need to understand, whether they like it or not, you run YOUR household. Husband and WIFE run THEIR household. BMs try to overstep their boundaries when they start expecting to run another FAMILY'S household.

As a BM, I dont. So please dont lump us all together. My son goes to his fathers home and he abides by the house rules there. I dont care who sets the rules there, my son knows he is to behave as he is told to. And if Dads girlfriend or wife, when he had one, is the one to set the rules, my son is to still obey them. None of that makes her a coparent to my kid. Know the difference.

[lark]

I will admit when I am wrong Jay. You are right about the coparenting thing. My husband is a coparent to his little girl with the BM. I am a stepparent. As a stepparent, I do have limited say in discipline and general rules when it comes to helping my husband coparent. But though limited, I still have some say. My husband and I work as a team when making decisions concerning his child. Whether the BM likes it or not, most if not all decisions he makes, are partly influenced by me. So yes, even though I am not a coparent, I am indirectly involved in the coparenting process.

My comments were meant to address all the bad BMs out there who try to control another man's household or overstep their boundaries. For all the responsible mother's out there, my comments were not meant for them.

[lark]

My husband's and my little cousins are always over at our home also. Of course I don't think that I coparent them. Especially since I don't make any decisions regarding their general upbringing, schools they attend, extra curricular activities they join, etc.. But, with his little girl, I will honestly say that I have had a large amount of input in those things because my husband and I consult each other about all major decisions in our lives. Indirectly, through my husband, I am a part of the coparenting process. I may not directly be a coparent, but I influence my husbands decisions when it comes to parenting (and he is a coparent). I think this is what the BM knows and can't deal with.

[jaylady999]

I cant argue with that then. In my opinion what it appeared that you were saying before(by saying coparent) meant that you had equal say as BM in the child's life. That was what I disagreed with.

As a BM, the way I feel about it is that BD and I have equal say. 50/50. Now if he wants to share his 50% vote with his girlfriend/wife or whoever, thats on him. It has nothing to do with my half. And not to flex my BM muscles or anything, but realistically, I really do get the last say, even over BD if I choose to. But I have always been more than fair to him and thats why our coparenting situation has worked for 14 years.

He has his support system, but his support system has nothing to do with me. I dont take too kindly to any chick coming into my situation claiming to have authority over anything concerning my son. Lucky for me, BD wouldnt allow it anyway. He's a great father and doesnt need help with raising his son. Thats the type of man I had a child with and on the flip side, its also the type of man I married. So when it comes to me being a SM, I dont have say so over my skids because I dont need it.

Once they leave my home, my opinion of what goes on when they are with their mother is completely irrelevent and I am so ok with that.