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Post by recondite on Sept 3, 2012 12:11:30 GMT -5
Good Afternoon,
Here is a bit of background b4 I give the scenario:
My SD lives with my husband and I
She is 5 years old
I have been in her life since she was 14 months old
I am the primary caregiver for my SD since my husband works ridiculous hours
Recently my husbands BM called to express a grievance. BM was speaking with my stepdaughter and she told her mother that she wanted BM to bring a birthday cake to her school on her birthday. BM said yes, but my SD told her that she didn't think I would let her come to the school and bring the cake because I would be there.
BM is also upset because my SD is now telling her what she is/is not allowed to do even when she's with her. Not that I have told her specifically that she can not do certain things when she is with BM on the weekends, but I teach my SD things she is/is not supposed to do at all times.
BM says that she is concerned about the type of example my SD is seeing since her and my husband are her parents and she feels that I am not.
In my opinion I am her parent and the BM is a convenient parent. Sunday - Friday I take care of my SD and do everything that any good parent would do in order to take care of their children. Not to mention that I have no children of my own. The BM only wants to participate when it is convenient for her. She does not pay child support, has made no effort to assist with my SD education, in fact, she complains when I send homework with my SD over the weekend because she feels that if the school didn't send it she doesn't have to do it.
I am curious to hear other opinions on why she would be upset when my SD is not telling her anything negative or detrimental. It's just the fact that as my SD gets older she listens more to me than to her BM, but if I am raising her what do you expect?
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Post by recondite on Oct 11, 2012 10:48:59 GMT -5
HA! 50 views 0 responses. No one has an opinion?
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Post by notdamama on Oct 19, 2012 20:11:12 GMT -5
As much as you feel you are the parent, you are not. Her BM has rights, regardless of whether or not she pays CS. You are overstepping. BM has right to be upset. Let her parent her child and she doesn't have to parent to YOUR expectations.
This advice is from a SM who knows that being married to the BD doesn't make you the MAMA.
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Post by recondite on Oct 29, 2012 10:04:42 GMT -5
No one is disputing that she has rights, but so do I. If you read closely I never told her that she couldn't bring the cake to school. The problem was the fact that my SD told her that she didn't think I would be okay with her mother coming to the school with the cake.
As far as not being the MAMA, I am in every sense of the word this child's mother. Although I am not her BM I still hold the title of SM, which includes the word.
I am curious as to what I did that you considered overstepping? Often I hear that a SM is "overstepping", but rarely can the person making the accusation give details as to what line I am crossing.
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Post by Niecy on Nov 21, 2012 21:19:11 GMT -5
I do not think you are over-stepping!! You clearly stated your SD mother does not have custody of her, your husband does. If the mother really wanted to bring your SD a birthday cake to school, all she had to do was speak with you or your husband!
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Post by badadvice on Nov 22, 2012 7:28:13 GMT -5
The BM may not have custodial custody but she probably has some custody or visitation. Not being the custodial parent doesn't make the BM not the mom. It certainly doesn't make the SM the mom. The SM is WRONG on so many levels. The BM needs to go back to court to solidify her parental position and slap the SM with a much needed dose of reality because she has clearly lost her mind. SM is a pot stirrer and she will continue to have drama until she backs off. BM doesn't need to discuss her child with the SM. She need only discuss the kid with the other LEGAL parent...the BD.
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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 22, 2012 22:50:21 GMT -5
As much as you feel you are the parent, you are not. Her BM has rights, regardless of whether or not she pays CS. You are overstepping. BM has right to be upset. Let her parent her child and she doesn't have to parent to YOUR expectations.
Totally, totally agree.
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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 22, 2012 22:52:17 GMT -5
As far as not being the MAMA, I am in every sense of the word this child's mother. Although I am not her BM I still hold the title of SM, which includes the word.
By that logic, a man's ex-wife is still some form of wife simply because it includes wife in the title. Sorry, but unless you adopt this child, you are in no way the child's mother. SM? Yes. But if the child has a mother who is in the picture, even minimally, you should take a back seat.
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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 22, 2012 22:54:43 GMT -5
The BM may not have custodial custody but she probably has some custody or visitation. Not being the custodial parent doesn't make the BM not the mom. It certainly doesn't make the SM the mom. The SM is WRONG on so many levels. The BM needs to go back to court to solidify her parental position and slap the SM with a much needed dose of reality because she has clearly lost her mind. SM is a pot stirrer and she will continue to have drama until she backs off. BM doesn't need to discuss her child with the SM. She need only discuss the kid with the other LEGAL parent...the BD.
Yep. I find it funny that SMs who are married to the custodial father tend to overstep a lot more than SF's who are married to the custodial Mom. I wonder why that is.
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Post by recondite on Nov 28, 2012 11:03:13 GMT -5
Again, I am curious as to what boundaries I am overstepping? No one told her that she could not bring a cake, but she is upset because my SD told her she didn't think it would be okay? So am I to believe that I am at fault for what my SD says? Also, I find it hard to understand that I need to "back off" when I am the primary caregiver. If I "back off" then who is to take care of my SD? She is in our care for a reason obviously.
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Post by recondite on Nov 28, 2012 11:28:54 GMT -5
The BM may not have custodial custody but she probably has some custody or visitation. Not being the custodial parent doesn't make the BM not the mom. It certainly doesn't make the SM the mom. The SM is WRONG on so many levels. The BM needs to go back to court to solidify her parental position and slap the SM with a much needed dose of reality because she has clearly lost her mind. SM is a pot stirrer and she will continue to have drama until she backs off. BM doesn't need to discuss her child with the SM. She need only discuss the kid with the other LEGAL parent...the BD.
You are completely right. I don't even speak to BM unless absolutely necessary. She told her complaints to BD not me. What I would like to know is how I am wrong on so many levels. What things am I wrong about?
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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 28, 2012 17:51:31 GMT -5
If I "back off" then who is to take care of my SD? Um....her father maybe?  Being a SM is a very thankless job. Therefore, I do the things I want to for my skids. I am not obligated to do anything if I don't want to. I do ALOT for them however, and that's because I love the hell out of them. They are 12 and 14 years old and I've been in their lives since they were 1 and 3. They don't ever recall life without me in it. However, I do no expect anything in return for the things I do for them and I recognize they have a mother who will ALWAYS trump me regardless of who has physical custody of them. |
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Post by jaylady999 on Nov 28, 2012 17:58:51 GMT -5
You are completely right. I don't even speak to BM unless absolutely necessary. She told her complaints to BD not me. What I would like to know is how I am wrong on so many levels. What things am I wrong about?
For one, it appears as if you believe that just because your husband has custody of your SD that it places you in some sort of role of authority. Unless you adopt her and she is legally yours, you are no more of a SM to her than I am to my skids who my husband does not have primary custody of.
I think it's awesome that you are there for your SD the way you are. My SS is very likely going to be living with us when we close on our house next month and just by default, I am sure that I will be doing more of the daily stuff for him than I do now. But when it comes to his mother, I will always step back. She is still the mother and in no way am I trying to replace her or even give her the feeling that I am. Basically, the way I've always operated as a SM is if BM wants to do something or participate in something, she gets first dibbs on it. If she decides she doesn't want to, then I can decide if I want to do it or not.
BM and I are not friends and are not in contact with one another, but I do respect her as my skids mother. I give her the same respect I would like to receive from a SM if my son had one. And I for darn sure wouldn't want to feel like I am in some sort of competition about MY OWN CHILD with some other woman (SM or not).
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Post by recondite on Nov 29, 2012 13:20:51 GMT -5
Um....her father maybe? Being a SM is a very thankless job. Therefore, I do the things I want to for my skids. I am not obligated to do anything if I don't want to. I do ALOT for them however, and that's because I love the hell out of them. They are 12 and 14 years old and I've been in their lives since they were 1 and 3. They don't ever recall life without me in it. However, I do no expect anything in return for the things I do for them and I recognize they have a mother who will ALWAYS trump me regardless of who has physical custody of them.
In my post I clearly state that my husband works ridiculous hours, so for our household there is no one else to look after my SD. Also, sending her back with BM is not an option because of her current circumstances. I've never stated that anyone owes me any thanks for doing what I do, but I disagree that BM trumps all because she holds the title of BM. I respect her and I deserve the same respect in return.
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Post by recondite on Nov 29, 2012 13:36:48 GMT -5
For one, it appears as if you believe that just because your husband has custody of your SD that it places you in some sort of role of authority. Unless you adopt her and she is legally yours, you are no more of a SM to her than I am to my skids who my husband does not have primary custody of.
Being married means that the two of us, together, determine what will and will not be tolerated in our home, which does place me in a role of authority over everything that goes on in my house. I don't try to control what she does in her home and she can not dictate what goes on in my house just because she is the BM. Also, I am well aware that I am her stepmother, but I care for her as I would my own. Parenting overall is a thankless job, not just stepparenting. I do everything for her as any good parent would so whether or not I am a mother to my SD is not a question.[/color]
I think it's awesome that you are there for your SD the way you are. My SS is very likely going to be living with us when we close on our house next month and just by default, I am sure that I will be doing more of the daily stuff for him than I do now. But when it comes to his mother, I will always step back. She is still the mother and in no way am I trying to replace her or even give her the feeling that I am. Basically, the way I've always operated as a SM is if BM wants to do something or participate in something, she gets first dibbs on it. If she decides she doesn't want to, then I can decide if I want to do it or not.
In no way am I trying to replace her mother, but when you do not play an active role in your childs life by choice I refuse to take the flack because I step up.[/color]
BM and I are not friends and are not in contact with one another, but I do respect her as my skids mother. I give her the same respect I would like to receive from a SM if my son had one. And I for darn sure wouldn't want to feel like I am in some sort of competition about MY OWN CHILD with some other woman (SM or not).
There is no competition to be had here and I never said there was. There are basic things that good parents do that BM does not like put your kids in school, and protect them from violence, etc. I am not going to ignore these things just because she is the BM. She will always be the BM, but that does not excuse her behavior and I will not be made to feel as though I am wrong for doing the right thing by my SD because it makes BM look bad. I respect her and I expect the same.[/color]
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Being a SM is a very thankless job. Therefore, I do the things I want to for my skids. I am not obligated to do anything if I don't want to. I do ALOT for them however, and that's because I love the hell out of them. They are 12 and 14 years old and I've been in their lives since they were 1 and 3. They don't ever recall life without me in it. However, I do no expect anything in return for the things I do for them and I recognize they have a mother who will ALWAYS trump me regardless of who has physical custody of them.