Drama caused by control issues

[nomoredrama]

How much drama is caused by BM trying to control the BD or what goes on at his household? For example, my friend knows that she is a control freak. She does not want her kids to visit with their father for 6 weeks because she does not want them "sitting in the house" with his wife all summer. Her ex is moving to the state my friend & their children currently reside in so that he can be closer to his children. Prior to him announcing his relocation plans, he was to have the kids for 6 weeks this summer. My friend feels that he should not have the kids since he is relocating to a new area. She does not want the kids sitting in the house with his wife. The kids should be doing something fun, etc.

I explained to her that when the kids are in her ex's care, she can not control what he does with the kids (as long as the kids are not physically or psychologically in danger), What do you ladies think?

How much drama is caused by BM wanting to exercise control over BD or in his household?

[memyslfni]

I believe 99.9% of drama comes from bm's trying to control bd and what he does with their kids on and off the clock...It seems like no matter what they are never happy...

[nomoredrama]

I agree with you. Either BM and/or BD trying to control the situation. When people lose control, some will strike out negatively.

[kiaislikewhatever]

yea, right now my DH is going thru the "you-cant-see-your-daughter-if-your-wife-is-around" situation... i mean, what, is she serious? i guess i am just supposed to vanish into thin air because SHE dont want me in the picture!

we're still tryin to figure that one out, cause when he returns from iraq, we want to get all the kids together and spend quality time together but the BM doesnt want that... in fact she said she would "sit-in" on our days out with the kids! i'm thinkin she has a little control issue, and since she cant control the fact that i am going to STAY in the picture, she wants to invite herself into the picture!

[destini1969]

That's crazy, it all about CONTROL because they are no longer with BD. There is no way I would have BM around when it's supposed to be your time with the child(ren). She needs to get a life. I guess this ticks me off beyond belief because I know if my DHs BM was able to CONTROL him, she would allow him to see the child. But since DH is a grown man she isn't able to do so.

[nomoredrama]

?Kia, that is crazy. Does your DH have a visitation order? Unless it says, "supervised visitation," there is NO WAY she can tag along. Even in a supervised visitation situation, the BM is not the one supervising. Sista girl has some major control issues!!! What does she think you are going to do? What is she afraid of the child saying to you & your DH? A lot of time, control issues amount to the BM hiding something & she does not want the child to slip up & tell it.

[Keia1]

Ole girl is straight spiteful to want to sit on visitation with the child. She just wan'ts to put a spike in you all's plans. Newsflash...your his wife.....she can't get you out of the picture. Common sense would say just accept it and move on. These women kill me....if the child is over 6 months of age and the man is responsible she doesn't need to be around. And if it's a young baby....she should be glad you're around to supervise him. Some of these women really need to get lives. You can't have one if your intent on ruining someone else's.

Chingy said in Sister to Sister magazine that his 2 year old son's mother refuses to let him see the son unless she's around. Ain't that just crazy. My situation...BD can't see my son unless I'm or my family members are around because son doesn't know BD...he is a stranger and son will cry unless someone he knows is around....now tha'ts and exception. Anything other than that is just plain crazy.

[nomoredrama]

Keia1, in your situation, I understand your hesitation to send child with BD since he is not used to his father. Your son is young right now. Perhaps you & BD can meet in a public place...The park, McDonalds, etc. Child can spend time with dad while you are there so that he can get used to dad. BD needs to start slow. Each visit, maybe he spends more & more time with son while you are there, but standing to the side.

I had written before about how I did not meet my dad until he was 5 years old. My mom did not like my dad due to their history. She used to tell me bad stuff about my dad ALL OF THE TIME. I was scared of him when I first met him.

I remember my dad picking me up for the first time. He was allowed to take me to his house & to meet his family. No one that I was used to was there. I remember being terrified. Everyone in his family kept hugging & kissing on me. Again, I was 5, so it was very traumatic for me. Everyone kept trying to convince me to call my dad, "dad." But, at that time, he was not "dad" to me. In my mind, I made of my mind that I was not going to call that "strange" man "dad." It took a lot of years but eventually my dad & I established a bond that continues even though he has passed away.

[KIAslikewhatever]

no he doesnt have a visitation order, i believe that he needs one though. see, he has 2 BM's... one is the ex wife and the other BM is what u would call the "jump-off"... she's the one who wants to sit in on visitation. she still calls him (yes, even in Iraq.. he has a phone thru his laptop) and tells him how she still wishes she could have another baby by him....he just hangs up on her when she starts talking crazy. i dont think she has realized that he calls to talk to his daughter, not to her!

i know that she wants to be with him but she still hasnt realized that it will never happen again! (or maybe she just doesnt want to accept that fact!) she even told him on the day me and DH got married, that he needed to send me and our son away and send for her, SD and her other Daughter and marry her instead (of course he laughed in the phone, and i was sitting right there listening to her ignorance)

i try to get thru the mess that she puts out, but every now and again she comes back with something crazier than before! i have been keeping my cool, havent said anything to her about what goes on, but i have a feeling the time will come when i will have to speak my piece!

oh and my SD is 4, and she definitely knows who her daddy is!

[nomoredrama]

Kia, is it that all crazy baby mamas sound alike or what? I went thru BM telling my MIL (mom-in-law) that she wanted to have another child by my DH. My DH calls SD from a calling card only. Even though he had an international cell, he did not want BM to start calling him on it. When DH calls SD, SD talks for 5 minutes or so, then BM tries to dominate the rest of the conversation (still dealing with this even though SD is 14). I think some BMs (not all) just want some attention from BD - even if it is negative.

My DH has learned not to entertain the BM. I have had to learn to close my mouth because BM likes to think that she is causing drama. I have been busting at the seams to say something while she is on the phone, but I wait until she gets off the phone & then tell DH what I think of her.

I will admit that we get more results when DH tells her about her antics then when I do. Again, she likes to think she has caused drama. DH can put her in her place a lot better than I can.

[downazzchick]

I really think control is something that makes the BM feel confortable if she has more of it.

As for your friend she should definately be concerned about her kids sitting around the house with the step mom (doing nothing). In order not to prode into their business maybe she could ask about what activities they (BD and SM) have planned and if SM doesn't have any then may be you could offer her some that you know your children would enjoy. Making free, flexible, and reasonalbly priced activities top on the list.

Reguardless of the situation I really think the child needs to spend the time previously arranged with the BD.

As a BM myself I would always leave that window open. When my child was young I would not try to "control" BD, but I would ask him to make sure my child called me at 3:00 P.M. everyday she was gone. All he could do was respect that. Now that she is older I would just say call me if you need too.

Not trying to boguard his time or get in anybody buisiness! Just takin care of mine!

[Keia1]

What I'm beginning to realize is that the problem with some BM's and BD's is that they care too much. It comes a point where you have to just not care. Oddly enough "A 7 yr old told me this." She said a friend of her told her that something she said hurt his feelings. She said she told him she was sorry....but he needs to learn not to allow what she's says to hurt him and not to care. Because if people know you care....they will keep doing it. Outta the mouth of babes.

Some of these men and women simply care too much about what the other person has or is doing or whatever.

[wbmama]

I actually think its the BM's LACK of control that drives them nuts.

Keia you make a good point. Its not always caring for the child's wellbeing though, its caring for the EX that makes the BM/BD act like a fool!

[Keia1]

You know what wbmama.......that could be the case with BD and fam.....maybe they call themselves trying to deny me the opportunity to control they azz. Stupid fools don't know that I'm still controlling them.....that's why their mad and bitter.....their making my day by not coming around. That way I don't have to be bothered with their BS. As long as my check coming I could care less.

[downazzchick]

Not having any control or having that control taken away from you (by the court). Can drive a BM wild, but it can also provide structure for you and your family.

The BM can not rest easily knowing that she has to let the child form a relationship with her father. Nor can she get over the fact that someone that she does not like will be showering their love on the child. Thing is that the BM don't realize......The non custodial parent has flaws that the child doesn't know about that will quickly surface.

Yes, the BM is afraid that the child will form a close relationship with another, be spoiled crazy for the weekend, but once the flaws appear the child will be able to see. Hey, my Mom has her problems, but Daddy has problems too.

Once both parents devote their time and energy to the child the BM/BD will cease. They may get into a pissing contest on who is the better parent, but at least they won't be at each others throats.