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Post by Keia1 on May 5, 2008 20:52:18 GMT -5
This may sound crazy but I've been listening to the word a lot lately and I heard a pastor say.....when God closes doors......they are closed for a reason. If people would get out of the societal way of viewing things and realize that no matter the situation God has a bigger purpose and plan than any of us really realize. My BD was in the accident for a reason, they are not in my son's life for a reason and I understand that. I'm not sweating the small stuff...sometimes we try to hold on to people and things that God is really trying to tear apart. Good riddance to them......they were not destined to be in his life. The love of 1 great parent is enough....I am the product of a single parent family and I turned out just fine. My mom adopted my sister and she is adopted and a product of a single parent family and she and I are fine. The right man........that I trust to allow to mentor and guide my son will appear at just the right time. God works in mysterious ways.
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Post by nomoredrama on May 5, 2008 21:32:36 GMT -5
That's a great point downazz. Sometimes when BM keeps the child away from BD, the child begins to develop a romantized view of the BD. Even if BM is berating the dad, the child sees the BD as the hero. Because the BD is not in the child's life, the BM has to the disciplinarian and ultimately looks like the "bad guy." The child normally has fun with the non-custodial parent, so the child sees that parent as the "fun" parent.
The best thing a BM can do for herself & her child is to let her child see the parent as they really are. Eventually the child will "see" for themselves how the BD really is.
My sister was divorced from her DH when my nephew was 2 years old. She never tried to interfere in BDs life. Her ex came to visit their son when he was 9 years old. The next time my nephew saw his dad was at 16 years old. The last time he saw his dad was at his high school graduation. My nephew did not get along with my sister's husband (stepfather) because my brother-in-law was a strict. My nephew did not see his father alot (because his dad CHOSE to stay away). My nephew saw his dad as this hero who was going to RESCUE him from his strict stepfather (who really had his best interest at heart). My nephew went to college and got pressured to do a lot of things by his peers (drugs, drinking, etc). My nephew reached out to his father - needing a man's advice. My nephew left SEVERAL messages for his dad telling him that he needed to talk. His dad never called him back to offer anything. I think that he was scared that my sister wanted him to pay something towards his college. But, my sister never knew that her son was contacting his father. My nephew was doing it for himself.
When he finally saw for himself that his father did not come around because he did not want to, he stopped being as combative towards his stepfather. In fact, he started talking with his stepfather about his concerns. My nephew had to "see" for himself that his father won't about NOTHING before he could allow himself to stop being angry with his stepfather (the man who stepped in & was the father that he so desperately needed). My nephew is 21 years old now & he happily calls his stepfather "dad." He will also gladly tell you that his stepfather is more of a dad than his sperm donor has ever been.
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Post by destini1969 on May 6, 2008 13:50:57 GMT -5
Tellit I am soooo glad there was a MAN there for your nephew and not just the image of one! His stepfather stepped up to the plate when he didn't have to. Keia1 nice to hear you're focusing on the word, you go girl!  ) God places people in our lives for different reasons at at different seasons. Reflecting back I now realize certain men had a specific role in my life and NOT ALL were sent by God! Don't forget Satan has his devoted followers as well. |
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Post by Keia1 on May 6, 2008 14:14:50 GMT -5
I think it's that Satan knows where we are at mentally.....and what will be attractive to us at the moment. My son is a gift from God....that $700.00 a month is a gift from God.....sometimes God blesses us in strange ways. When God's got it set to bless you of course Satan will send his HATERS to try to hinder you. I now recognize that is what BD and his family were haters. God just used my BD to give me my baby....and some money....other than that he was unecessary which is why God allowed him to be in the accident......his family is full of it just like him......which is why he allowed them to dislike me and and to get it that I don't want them around and choose to STAY away. My heart was really grieving because of a past abortion.....i had when I was young (thought it was the right thing) but God gave me a new baby and new beginning. He just used their hating butts to make me strong..........and so I am.
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Post by destini1969 on May 6, 2008 18:42:59 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about your abortion earlier in your life. You made a decision and did what you thought was best during a certain time in your life.
God created the man/woman and family unit. MY UNDERSTANDING of the scripture is that Gods plan of the family should happen in a certain order. I am not a Theologist and some may disagree with me, but God did not bless you with a child out of wedlock and His blessings are more substantial than $700 a month.
God gives us the ability to make decisions in life whether it's right or wrong. He allows us to go through some things in order to learn from them and show us, we screwed it up and should have followed his way of doing things. God gives us that! It's up to us to follow his word. I married and then had a child, but I had a child with the wrong man, he wasn't my husband. How was I to know, I was too young, didn't know what type of husband God had in store for me. I don't regret marrying my ex-husband because I got a daughter from it and learned how to TRULY LOVE SOMEONE OTHER THAN MYSELF!
After several relationships, I spent a year being single prior to meeting my DH and during that time I prayed to God to send me what I NEEDED in a man. Ooooo be careful what you pray for because LAWD knows he sent me exactly what I needed, my DH is something else and I love every inch of him. Even when he ticks me off. Then I pray even more so and God points me right back to my DH!
I am 38 (soon to be 39) and am at a point in my life to where I can just now reflect and understand some of the road bumps I allowed Satan to take me on! Just remember Satan has his devoted followers as well.
Keep being strong and turning/listening to God for your answers!
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Post by Keia1 on May 6, 2008 22:02:25 GMT -5
God knows the mistakes we are going to make before we make them.....the bible say's what Satan meant for our bad God will turn it around for our good. That extra 700.00 comes in handy when you're in an RN nursing program and you're not working that much. He knows how to get you what you need.....when you need it. There was definitely purpose in the relationship or my son would not have been birthed out of it. Sometimes he will let us go through things to fine tune things about us. God loves every baby and custom designs every one even those made out of wed lock.
If I had waited on my hubby I wouldn't have my son. My son was in God's plan and so is my hubby............I believe God's grace even accounts for our shortcomings. That's why he's even blessing me to become an RN at the end of this year........he keeps opening up doors and opening up my eyes in spite of all my failures..........that's why he is SO GOOD.
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Post by just2beme on May 7, 2008 6:48:46 GMT -5
God does have plans for our lives. God chooses some people to become single parents. He chooses those people that can endure. Those people must also be obedient to God.
Keia God chose you because you have the will to endure. Don't ever question why you are or how you became a single parent. It was your decision but God knew in advance that you were going to make the decision. God will bring you the man he wants in your life when he feel that you are ready. God is preparing you for your DH. And your future DH is being prepared for you.
Keia are you graduating with an Associates or Bachelors in Nursing? What field of nursing are you thinking about going into? (Pediatrics, Geriatrics, other) I won't be posting to the board much anymore so congratulations in advance on your graduation.
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Post by destini1969 on May 7, 2008 13:12:11 GMT -5
I agree with you on the point that God has pre-determined our existence/being. I do not agree that God is an advocate of children born out of wedlock, no where in the Bible does it support that type of idealism from modern society. God does not love us any less becaies of the decisions WE make in our lives. HE continues to bless/forgive us for deeds done against HIS will, HE does not encourage us to do so.
It's funny how WE pick and choose what WE want to adhere to according to HIS word. WE all fall into this category whether WE want to face it or not. God has a plan for HIS children, not all human beings walking this earth belongs to God. Satan has his team as well of devoted followers. God has pre-destined/pre-determined their existence as well.
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Post by memyslfni on May 7, 2008 14:27:49 GMT -5
My honey of 3 years still cant seem to tame the bm. She dont bother me, its mainly towards him. She verbally attacks him when things dont go her way..she refuses to allow him to bring kids around but belittles him when he doesnt help with correcting them. He tries to avoid her, but eventually gives in for the sake of the kids. Sometimes I think he feels guilty for what he has put her through and her constantly bringing up what she has done for him doesnt help. Therefore he continues to try to reason with her and theres just no gettin through to her stubborn a$$. I hate to see him go through this, as it puts a strain on me. I feel there is nothing I can do, which there really isnt. The only thing I can suggest to him is to block her out completely until she matures but that may never happen and he loves his kids. Would it be right for me to give him an ultimatum or should I exclude myself from the picture? Any advise would be great...this is serious.  |
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Post by nomoredrama on May 7, 2008 15:02:31 GMT -5
Can you imagine the strain that HE must be going thru dealing with a BM who will not EVER be satisfied? As long as he is doing everything that he can possibly do (paying child support or providing financially for the children, trying to spend time with the children, etc), his BM should have nothing to complain about. If he is not providing financially, well, that is another matter and he is giving her ammunition to cause drama. ** I don't know if that is the case but I am just throwing it out there. **
Again, your honey will NEVER tame the BM. He appears to be doing what is necessary but she will not allow herself to feel that anything he does is good enough. It goes back to the CONTROL that we spoke about in the original post. And, until she wants to get along for the sake of the kids, there is nothing that he can do to change her. The only thing that he can do is to chang the manner in which he responds to her.
I recommend that he begin treating her like she is a business partner. Contact her only pertaining to the children. When she begins to belittle him, don't respond emotionally but in a business-like manner...Bring her back to the kids (so, I will pick the kids up at this time, etc.)
Memyslf, I think that you need to answer the question whether you want to commit yourself to dealing with the BMD...It does not let up until the children are grown. And, even after that, it may still exist to some level. And, if I remember your story, you have a child(ren) with your honey as well (correct me if I am wrong). I think a better question for you is, "Are you strong enough to deal with the situation directly?" If you & your honey have children together, you are linked to him forever and can not completely exclude yourself. (Again, correct me if I am confusing you with someone else).
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Post by destini1969 on May 7, 2008 15:48:41 GMT -5
Memyselfni, Tellit is 100% correct on your DH needs to treat her like a business partner and speak with her only pertaining to the children, needs, schedule and finances. Since the BM/DH has not brought you into the loop regarding the circumstances surrounding the child I would not intervene. I am saying this because he is dealing with enough on his own. Now if he vents to you and takes his frustrations out on you, in that case you need to bring that to his attention.
In regards to leaving him, are you unhappy with him or just the situation? Like Tellit says this is something you will have to deal with as long as you're with him. How many days out of the month are you happy with him? Is this the biggest issue in your relationship? You have a tough decision to make but if you leave too hastily you may regret it.
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Post by memyslfni on May 7, 2008 16:15:24 GMT -5
The matter puts a strain on me because he does ask for my opinion. But what i say he's already done, so when he comes to her with it she chews his butt right on up..At the moment he's unable to support financially, so I try to push for him to bring the kids over to at least give her a break and this she does not want. Now on the other hand when he is able to provide for his kids financially he is the best father in the world to her. But still cant bring his kids around his fam. So I dont understand, why belittle if he is doing his best. I feel the "bad dad" name calling is unnecessary and makes him feel as he is just that. I'm trying to be strong for him but it is also making me weak...This control thing is driving me nuts..Its like I try to build him up for her to knock him right back down...  |
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Post by Keia1 on May 7, 2008 18:23:32 GMT -5
In the bible King David had a son by Bathsheba who was married at the time and then killed her husband....her first son died because of it. Later they had a son named Solomon the wisest man who ever lived. Destini I understand why you think that way but it is simply not true. The bible say's "there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. All sins are forgiven. Jesus already paid the price. The Bible also says befriend and take care of the "widows and the fatherless." God knows what's out there and even our failures and shortcomings are a part of his plan he is all knowing and he gave us the freedom to chose....while he will not always take away the consequences he will still open doors and make that path smoother for you....not trying to argue with it.....but I have lived it so I know it's true. There are a lot of children born out of wed lock today.....God is not surprised.......he already knew they were coming.....yes he will ADVOCATE for them.....just as much as those born in wed lock. God is no respector of persons. If ain't juding us as long as we repent who is someone else to.....we can tell people the truth but that's about it.
Now I know we already all know the sex before marriage is a sin and all that but I bet we all have committed that sin.
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Post by destini1969 on May 7, 2008 19:35:26 GMT -5
I agree with you on the point that God has pre-determined our existence/being. I do not agree that God is an advocate of children born out of wedlock, no where in the Bible does it support that type of idealism from modern society. God does not love us any less becaies of the decisions WE make in our lives. HE continues to bless/forgive us for deeds done against HIS will, HE does not encourage us to do so. It's funny how WE pick and choose what WE want to adhere to according to HIS word. WE all fall into this category whether WE want to face it or not. God has a plan for HIS children, not all human beings walking this earth belongs to God. Satan has his team as well of devoted followers. God has pre-destined/pre-determined their existence as well. Keia1 you may have to re-read what I posted earlier. Whether you like it or not, WE can't pick and choose what WE want to adhere to according to HIS word. You don't have to be so defensive, WE have all sinned and are non deserving of HIS grace. When I reference WE in the posts it's not directed to you only, WE involves all. |
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Post by destini1969 on May 7, 2008 19:49:43 GMT -5
The matter puts a strain on me because he does ask for my opinion. But what i say he's already done, so when he comes to her with it she chews his butt right on up..At the moment he's unable to support financially, so I try to push for him to bring the kids over to at least give her a break and this she does not want. Now on the other hand when he is able to provide for his kids financially he is the best father in the world to her. But still cant bring his kids around his fam. So I dont understand, why belittle if he is doing his best. I feel the "bad dad" name calling is unnecessary and makes him feel as he is just that. I'm trying to be strong for him but it is also making me weak...This control thing is driving me nuts..Its like I try to build him up for her to knock him right back down... Hey memyselfni, I agree with you the name calling isn't necessary and can knock anyone down if it's done too often. It sounds like the BM is frustrated about him not being able to contribute financially. You can't let his situation with his BM control/depress you. You've got to be strong for yourself in the midst of all of this. Is this a temporary thing with him financially? Are you happy more than 15 days of the month? |
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) God places people in our lives for different reasons at at different seasons. Reflecting back I now realize certain men had a specific role in my life and NOT ALL were sent by God! Don't forget Satan has his devoted followers as well. 
