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Post by amber on Oct 11, 2013 17:11:43 GMT -5
I sick n tired of being sick n tired of BMD...I'm 43 n with the guy that I'm with is 39, BM is 22 and the child is five...yea do the math! In the beginning of us seeing each other everything was sort kinda fine...Initially I didn't have a problem with her dropping the child off every other weekend b/c he didn't have transportation, but when it came time to pick the child up on Sunday's she wouldn't ans her ph and/or pic the child up afta 9pm or 10pm with knowing that this child has school the nxt day. This is where the drama begin...she was scheduled to pic the child up at 6pm...he was callin n callin, txtin n txtin; no response...when she finally responded was way afta 9pm, then the verbal n txtin argument started, when she finally arrived, we were outside waitin 4 her, she pulled n the driveway erratically, screaming and yelling obscenities to him, that he was't sh*t n will never b sh*t, by that time my neighbors came out and I was totally embarrassed...at that point I was ready 4 confrontation b/c she was disrespecting me n my home, but I held my composure 4 the sake of my child n his. How she acted was not settling with me so I called her to speak as an adult n woman...I informed her tha she can not come 2 my home anymore displaying that sort behavior n she was very apologetic...afta that tlk she had a full understand of where I stood, He n I discussed the situation n learned tha he had not established boundaries with her n I suggested tha he do so. things were cool 4 a moment, 2 the point I let her in home b/c she was question the child if my house was dirty n I let her n 1 to mak peace n 2 to show her I don't live in filth. Incident num 2,while i'm @ work she shows up once again 2 pic the child up late n my neighbors calls me n tells me she was yelling n screaming, I tld him that's it she is not allowed 2 my house anymore, he assured me tha he would let her kno, in the meantime she has sent him txt msg callin me a sleeper n a pregnant dog, why is it tha when she calls I am always around,(hell we live 2gether) b/c the child always wants 2 tlk 2 me. I called her afta tha inquiry as 2 wha was the problem she had with me b/c I never dispected her, I was always civil and amicably 4 the sake of tha child n 2 be supportive of him. It got so bad I made a decision 2 nt communicate w/her @ all. Once again I'm @ work n she was scheduled 2 pic the child up n I reminded him tha I did't want her 2 my house he agreed, but she showed up anyways, once again acting ignorant, when I got off work he n I got n2 a argument, I called her n asked if he indeed had inform her of wha I said n she tld me he didn't, so I informed her myself n an argument ensued between her n I, I tld her I was done with the whole drama n tha I had grown tired of talkin...the situation died, when his hours changed @ work he asked me would I b ok with meeting her halfway 2 pic up the child n tha he had alrdy tlked 2 her n she was ok with it...so tha went on 4 about three weekends n jus recently she called 2 let him kno tha the child got bit by a dog, so we both rushed 2 the hospital...the nurse informed us tha only 1 person could b n the bac at a tim, I remained n the lobby, we were at the hospital 4 approximately 7 hrs n during tha tim he did not ask me if I wanted 2 go 2 the bac n c the child, he would cum out n tell me wha was goin on, n everytim he cam 2 talk 2 me she would call or cum lookin 4 him. It wasn't until she left tha he decided 2 ask me 2 cum 2 the bac 2 c the child. I was furious n when we lft 2 go home I tld him tha...I felt disrespected...he claimed tha he was tryin 2 keep us from being n the same room so tha there would b no drama b/c she didn't want me bac there with her child. his theory or logic didn't mak a bit of sense 2 me, It's ok 4 me 2 meet her halfway alone 2 pic up the child n it's ok 4 me 2 watch he while he works n it's ok 4 me 2 spend my money on this child but it's not ok 4 me 2 see how the child was doin? I explained 2 him had tha been my child n the hospital n I was bac there with her father I would not have done tha 2 him, he is part my life n my child, why would I allow him 2 wait n the lobby 4 7 hrs with knowing tha he would b concerns n tha my child would want 2 c him. I tld him I'm a part of your life n his child, she doesn't hav 2 accept it but he needs 2 put his foot dwn n man up...he said it was about his child n I agree but he made it about her...he continues 2 appease this chick n I am sic n tired of both of their immaturity. Tha was the last straw 4 me I tld him tha I'm not dealing with the drama any more n tha I want out of the relationship...he refuses 2 leave...plzzzzz help!
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Post by amber on Oct 11, 2013 17:19:56 GMT -5
SORRY 4 THE TYPOS!
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Post by jaylady999 on Oct 11, 2013 20:43:27 GMT -5
2 the point I let her in home b/c she was question the child if my house was dirty n I let her n 1 to mak peace n 2 to show her I don't live in filth. ^^^^ this was your first mistake. You didn't have anything to prove to her about YOUR home. It doesn't matter that her kid would be there on weekends. Your home did not need her stamp of approval. This, IMO is what gave her the impression that she has clout with regards to her child's father and yall's relationship.It's ok 4 me 2 meet her halfway alone 2 pic up the child n it's ok 4 me 2 watch he while he works n it's ok 4 me 2 spend my money on this child but it's not ok 4 me 2 see how the child was doin? Being a SM or in your case, the GF, is a very thankless role to play. I've learned over the years to do things for my skids from the bottom of my heart and to not expect anything from it except the fact of knowing that I have and will always be there for them if they need me to. Seems unfair, but we do have choice. We technically dont have to do ANYthing for someone else's children, regardless of whos children they are. Doing things for his child and expecting anything in return(even if it's the right to see the kid in the hospital), is setting yourself up for hurt feelings.  I explained 2 him had tha been my child n the hospital n I was bac there with her father I would not have done tha 2 him, he is part my life n my child, why would I allow him 2 wait n the lobby 4 7 hrs with knowing tha he would b concerns n tha my child would want 2 c him. I tld him I'm a part of your life n his child, she doesn't hav 2 accept it but he needs 2 put his foot dwn n man up... Apples and oranges. You can't compare two different situations, especially when you are dealing with one who has no sense(BM) and one who does(BD). My sitch is the exact same. BD is awesomely supportive of my marriage to DH(not that I need him to be, but it does make our situation go way more smoothly). So because of that, DH and I ( as a couple and seperately) handle BD different than we do BM. It is what it is.
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 11, 2013 22:31:41 GMT -5
I sick n tired of being sick n tired of BMD...I'm 43 n with the guy that I'm with is 39, BM is 22 and the child is five...yea do the math! In the beginning of us seeing each other everything was sort kinda fine...Initially I didn't have a problem with her dropping the child off every other weekend b/c he didn't have transportation, but when it came time to pick the child up on Sunday's she wouldn't ans her ph and/or pic the child up afta 9pm or 10pm with knowing that this child has school the nxt day. This is where the drama begin...she was scheduled to pic the child up at 6pm...he was callin n callin, txtin n txtin; no response...when she finally responded was way afta 9pm, then the verbal n txtin argument started, when she finally arrived, we were outside waitin 4 her, she pulled n the driveway erratically, screaming and yelling obscenities to him, that he was't sh*t n will never b sh*t, by that time my neighbors came out and I was totally embarrassed...at that point I was ready 4 confrontation b/c she was disrespecting me n my home, but I held my composure 4 the sake of my child n his. How she acted was not settling with me so I called her to speak as an adult n woman...I informed her tha she can not come 2 my home anymore displaying that sort behavior n she was very apologetic...afta that tlk she had a full understand of where I stood, He n I discussed the situation n learned tha he had not established boundaries with her n I suggested tha he do so. things were cool 4 a moment, 2 the point I let her in home b/c she was question the child if my house was dirty n I let her n 1 to mak peace n 2 to show her I don't live in filth. Incident num 2,while i'm @ work she shows up once again 2 pic the child up late n my neighbors calls me n tells me she was yelling n screaming, I tld him that's it she is not allowed 2 my house anymore, he assured me tha he would let her kno, in the meantime she has sent him txt msg callin me a sleeper n a pregnant dog, why is it tha when she calls I am always around,(hell we live 2gether) b/c the child always wants 2 tlk 2 me. I called her afta tha inquiry as 2 wha was the problem she had with me b/c I never dispected her, I was always civil and amicably 4 the sake of tha child n 2 be supportive of him. It got so bad I made a decision 2 nt communicate w/her @ all. Once again I'm @ work n she was scheduled 2 pic the child up n I reminded him tha I did't want her 2 my house he agreed, but she showed up anyways, once again acting ignorant, when I got off work he n I got n2 a argument, I called her n asked if he indeed had inform her of wha I said n she tld me he didn't, so I informed her myself n an argument ensued between her n I, I tld her I was done with the whole drama n tha I had grown tired of talkin...the situation died, when his hours changed @ work he asked me would I b ok with meeting her halfway 2 pic up the child n tha he had alrdy tlked 2 her n she was ok with it...so tha went on 4 about three weekends n jus recently she called 2 let him kno tha the child got bit by a dog, so we both rushed 2 the hospital...the nurse informed us tha only 1 person could b n the bac at a tim, I remained n the lobby, we were at the hospital 4 approximately 7 hrs n during tha tim he did not ask me if I wanted 2 go 2 the bac n c the child, he would cum out n tell me wha was goin on, n everytim he cam 2 talk 2 me she would call or cum lookin 4 him. It wasn't until she left tha he decided 2 ask me 2 cum 2 the bac 2 c the child. I was furious n when we lft 2 go home I tld him tha...I felt disrespected...he claimed tha he was tryin 2 keep us from being n the same room so tha there would b no drama b/c she didn't want me bac there with her child. his theory or logic didn't mak a bit of sense 2 me, It's ok 4 me 2 meet her halfway alone 2 pic up the child n it's ok 4 me 2 watch he while he works n it's ok 4 me 2 spend my money on this child but it's not ok 4 me 2 see how the child was doin? I explained 2 him had tha been my child n the hospital n I was bac there with her father I would not have done tha 2 him, he is part my life n my child, why would I allow him 2 wait n the lobby 4 7 hrs with knowing tha he would b concerns n tha my child would want 2 c him. I tld him I'm a part of your life n his child, she doesn't hav 2 accept it but he needs 2 put his foot dwn n man up...he said it was about his child n I agree but he made it about her...he continues 2 appease this chick n I am sic n tired of both of their immaturity. Tha was the last straw 4 me I tld him tha I'm not dealing with the drama any more n tha I want out of the relationship...he refuses 2 leave...plzzzzz help! She is 22, he is 39, and the child is 5? Disturbing that this grown a** man was involving himself with a teenager. Did that really sit well with you? I guess so. In any event, too much unnecessary drama so I will address your last plea. If you really want him out, use law enforcement to remedy the situation. I presume that he was staying with you, so in some states a person residing with another for at least 30 days takes up residency and you would have to go through the courts to evict the person. Check your state, etc., but start with the police and see what they say as far as removing him from the premises. |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 11, 2013 22:35:13 GMT -5
2 the point I let her in home b/c she was question the child if my house was dirty n I let her n 1 to mak peace n 2 to show her I don't live in filth. ^^^^ this was your first mistake. You didn't have anything to prove to her about YOUR home. It doesn't matter that her kid would be there on weekends. Your home did not need her stamp of approval. This, IMO is what gave her the impression that she has clout with regards to her child's father and yall's relationship.It's ok 4 me 2 meet her halfway alone 2 pic up the child n it's ok 4 me 2 watch he while he works n it's ok 4 me 2 spend my money on this child but it's not ok 4 me 2 see how the child was doin? Being a SM or in your case, the GF, is a very thankless role to play. I've learned over the years to do things for my skids from the bottom of my heart and to not expect anything from it except the fact of knowing that I have and will always be there for them if they need me to. Seems unfair, but we do have choice. We technically dont have to do ANYthing for someone else's children, regardless of whos children they are. Doing things for his child and expecting anything in return(even if it's the right to see the kid in the hospital), is setting yourself up for hurt feelings. I explained 2 him had tha been my child n the hospital n I was bac there with her father I would not have done tha 2 him, he is part my life n my child, why would I allow him 2 wait n the lobby 4 7 hrs with knowing tha he would b concerns n tha my child would want 2 c him. I tld him I'm a part of your life n his child, she doesn't hav 2 accept it but he needs 2 put his foot dwn n man up... Apples and oranges. You can't compare two different situations, especially when you are dealing with one who has no sense(BM) and one who does(BD). My sitch is the exact same. BD is awesomely supportive of my marriage to DH(not that I need him to be, but it does make our situation go way more smoothly). So because of that, DH and I ( as a couple and seperately) handle BD different than we do BM. It is what it is.
Totally agree with your post. These women really need to just fall back. Just doing waaay too much all the time and then having expectations. |
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Post by jaylady999 on Oct 11, 2013 22:44:29 GMT -5
Yep. Do a few things for the kids, and then want all these rights to the kids. It doesn't work like that.  And I totally glossed over the age thing. That's a whole other topic in itself  |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 11, 2013 23:08:24 GMT -5
Yep. Do a few things for the kids, and then want all these rights to the kids. It doesn't work like that. And I totally glossed over the age thing. That's a whole other topic in itself Sure doesn't. I also wanted to point out that her and the child's father was waiting outside for the pickup. Why be out there with him? I just don't get it. |
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Post by jaylady999 on Oct 12, 2013 0:14:56 GMT -5
Agree yet again. Why? Because we need to make our presence known I guess. All it does is invite drama. He can wait outside while I lay in y bed with a thingytail and watch some reality tv. That is about as close to drama as I like to get. ON TV ;D
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 12, 2013 11:01:13 GMT -5
I agree with what u guys r sayin...this is a bad experience 4 me n like any bad experience u make mistakes along the way. I hav dated n was married 2 a man with children, never experienced anything like this. My reason 4 being outside is only based on the fact I was protecting my property (car) because I was tld by him she is known 4 damaging other ppl property when she gets angry...case n point, a guy she was seeing she went 2 his job n set his car on fire. I'm not makin excuse or justification...I see now that I should not hav gotten myself involved from the beginning, I was trying 2 b supportive n civil, I realize now I was being supportive n civil n the wrong way. I had 2 really tak a step bac n look @ this situation...I have (3) daughters of my own, (1) that's older than this chick, (1) that's equal n age n (1) that's only (5) yrs younger than her, in other words I'm old enough 2 b this chick mother, how would I look getting n2 a physical altercation with her, n which she has threaten and/or invited. I hav a career, no criminal bacgrd, working on my masters n a daughter tha is headed off 2 college soon; she is not worth me loosing all that. It has been many more incidents concernin her n @ those tim he would co-sign her B/S n continues. I luv him but I also luv myself n I jus want sum peace n my life. I understand n kno I got way 2 involved, where I stand now I hav completely removed myself from being involved, no longer will I meet halfway 2 pic up the child, accept ph calls from her etc, etc, etc. I appreciate all the feedbac that's why I joined this forum 4 future suggestion. And yes the age difference is sumthing 2 gloss over...why another topic believe me when I tell ya! First, writing in text speak or "shorthand" or whatever that is makes it a bit difficult to read. Just letting you know. In any event, so it looks like you are going to stay with him then per the underlined? I don't know. Initially, you were pleading for help out of the relationship. |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 12, 2013 11:42:47 GMT -5
U r being very judgmental about the age difference... when I learned about it I was very disturbed and disgusted but afta he tld me how it happen , it made sense 2 me. This chick was dancing @ a club, if u kno anything about a strip club u hav 2 b (18) yrs or older, she already had a child from a previous relationship, so he said he thought she was legal age, by the tim he found out the truth she was pregnant n it was her mother that exposed the truth. Informing him that she carried a fake I.D, tha she had her 1st child @ the age of (12) n dancing since the age (13). The chick wanted 2 keep the baby n her mother refuse 2 let her live in her home n his reasoning was tha he didn't want 2 abandon his child. Personally, I think he should hav went n got a DNA test b 4 signing the BC, based on her lifestyle n not mention the child looks nothing like him any shape or form. His family doesn't believe the child is his n his mother voiced tha 2 him. So I stayed with him b/c young girls lie about their age all the time, he is good person over all n from wha I kno thus far he doesn't hav a history of involving himself with teenagers. I also believe she set him up. I'm being judgmental about the age difference? Really? You stated to do the math and you even have echoed the same sentiments that I did, but since you believe you became privy to the "real," then it's not so bad because he is a victim? Gotcha. You should have explained that from the beginning as it is sure to raise eyebrows, if it's the truth. So he at least thought she was 18? That's still not good. Just because you legally can do something doesn't meant that you should. Would you appreciate your 17/18 heck even 21 year old daughter coming home with a man in his 30s? All of this "she set him up," please don't do that. You could have really left that off of your post. Listen, I don't know how long you guys have been together nor do I know how long his situation with her was. He is overall a "good person," I don't even know what that means because people use that so much and sometimes it really has no bearing when it comes to making certain decisions. You stated that he did and still co-signs her bs and doesn't stand up to her, but then again you were involving yourself way too much. He was the one, at his age, going to a strip club looking for whatever. With a stripper? Really? What man really about something is doing that? He did not even think to get a DNA test to confirm if this child is his. While everyone woman is different and it is an individual choice, many many women once their children are of a certain age are not looking to turn back around and deal with a man with small kids. To each his or her own, but why would you be interested in that when you have self-sufficient children? My ultimate question is then, what is your criteria/standards? You see, yes most BMs have bum mentalities and they are insufferable, however, I am not solely interested in continuously bashing them and going in circles with the same nonsense. |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 12, 2013 13:51:12 GMT -5
Agree yet again. Why? Because we need to make our presence known I guess. All it does is invite drama. He can wait outside while I lay in y bed with a thingytail and watch some reality tv. That is about as close to drama as I like to get. ON TV ;D LOL, I've never really heard of a thingytail. I did a search to see what I can come up with and appears to be some sort of drink. Even in the context of which it was used, that makes sense LOL. Too funny, but you are spot on. |
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Post by jaylady999 on Oct 12, 2013 14:02:52 GMT -5
I actually typed "c*cktail", but clearly that word is censored here and I wasn't even using it in the sexual context LOL. Anyway, a vodka and cranberry with reality tv while he waits outside for the BM. I want no parts of it. |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 12, 2013 14:17:14 GMT -5
I actually typed "c*cktail", but clearly that word is censored here and I wasn't even using it in the sexual context LOL. Anyway, a vodka and cranberry with reality tv while he waits outside for the BM. I want no parts of it. Oh okay, because instead of the word drink I was initially typing thingytail and when I would preview my comment, it kept saying thingytail. The first thingytail was intentional, but attempts at the second one was not. It didn't dawn on me LOL. That's a bad word LOL. |
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Post by tellit on Oct 13, 2013 2:41:29 GMT -5
I think we all have made some sort of mistake or had to learn what not to do while being involved with a person with previous children. Like you, I once made the mistake of dealing with the BM. It most certainly leads to drama. When I first married, I didn't deal with the BM at.all. My DH exclusively dealt with her and I was shielded from her drama, other than what I heard about from my MIL (mom-in-law). About 5 years into the marriage BM and I began to communicate, well, I allowed her to call our house. She & I would speak briefly on the phone. She apologized to me for physically attacking me when DH & I were dating. I accepted and thought being cordial was the Christian thing to do so I started trying to be cordial. BM then asked me if she could "deal" with me instead of DH because they didn't get along. I never said yes but she started contacting me anyway. It was nothing but drama, drama, drama. I learned that it is best to have minimal contact with the BM. I didn't make a child with her, I don't have to deal with her. After dealing with BM lying, trying to talk to me disrespectfully & such, I told her she needed to contact her child's father, not me. If there was something I needed to know, he would tell me. BM got upset but, oh well. I held firm to my postion. She tried contacting me afterwards and I pointed her back to DH. I refused to communicate with her or pass messages. Now that my SD is an adult I don't hear her voice unless she is in the background when SD & I speak. But I don't even acknowledge that she is in the background.
DH, me, & BM are all within a year of each other in age. Drama died down as BM aged, although not disapating due to BM's controlling personality. BUT you are dealing with a young, immature BM. You must draw boundaries and stick to them. Your SO also has to draw boundaries. Keep communication totally about the child. All communication between them should be business-like to minimize drama. If he doesn't have court orders for CS & visitation, he needs to get one. The CO should also include pickups and dropoffs in a neutral public location. She wouldn't be able to call my house so she would have to call his cell phone only. If he doesn't have a cell, he would have to get one ASAP.
I am not trying to be judgemental but I would be concerned that at your SO's age, he doesn't have much. Why doesn't he have a car? Why did he have to move in with you? It seems like he has nothing and is therefore living off you so you are overly involved in things that he should be shielding you from. He needs to handle pickups/dropoffs on his own. Period. Is this man really worth the hassle because it seems like he is a piece of man, not a real man. It would alarm me that he hooked up with a stripper. Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas. Sorry if this is offensive but I can only go by what you have stated.
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 13, 2013 18:17:17 GMT -5
Did not say I would stay with him, like you said in a previous post and yes I would have to seek legally action to have him evicted by the courts, if he decides not to leave on his own. I’m sure you know it’s a process. I came up with that decision in the meantime until everything is said and done. The comment you made (disturbing that this grown a** man was involving himself with a teenager. Did that really sit well with you? I guess so). What I meant about you being judgmental was about the comment made… I guess it sat well with me… very judgmental, not to mention I found out later than sooner. I don’t want to assume, but do you have firsthand experience of BMD and if so , did have to learn as well before you got to the point of giving this wonderful and heartfelt advice/suggestion. By the way we have been together for 2yrs and some odds months. When you initially get involved with someone they don’t show you all of them; good or bad. And I maintain that she set him up based on what she told me… she was living with him for a month before she decided to sleep with him because he wasn’t her type and that her girlfriend convince her to sleep with him?  You are absolutely right because it’s legal doesn’t make it right. Our legal system/society says (18) older is ok, you can by cigarettes at the age 18, you can be a stripper at the age of (18) etc, etc, etc… he made a bad decision; we all have at one point or another. If we as human beings were so perfect they wouldn’t put eraser at the end of pencils? I don’t know if you have children but if my 21 year old daughter came home with a 30 year man, of course I would not approve, but at the end of the day, she is considered an adult and whether I approve of it not if she is in love with this man and/or want to be him, she is going to do just that; however, I would definitely offer her some motherly advice. However, if my daughter was the age of this young lady when this happen; I would have definitely seek legal ramifications. I will maintain he is a good person, to elaborate, he is nonjudgmental, has generosity, unmaterialistic, caring, humorous and selflessness. In regards to him going to the strip club looking, he was working as a bouncer. And I wasn’t looking to turn back to a small child, it so happens this is the man I fell in love with, oh well; it is what it is… I think my criteria and standards are in order, this can happen to anyone regardless of the age of the persons and child(ren). I’m not here to bash her, to ask anyone to side me and/or pacify me, jus was asking for some genuine advice/suggestion in the meantime…if nothing changes…nothing changes! Ms., I played along and offered sage advice regarding how to get him out of your house, because I was apprehensive in believing that a grown person does not know how to get someone out of their domain. It appears as though you do know as you mentioned that it's a process as it relates to the Courts, so what are you really seeking here? You are twice this girl's age and yet, somehow, conversations are being had with her about the origins of their relationship.  . You are still with your "set-up" theory and based off of what you posted, I still don't get it. Bouncer? Patron? Whatever, we all need to be accountable for our actions. The whole we all make mistakes, we're human, yada, yada, yada, I don't need to be told that, it goes without saying however, I know that it can be used as a guise to continue making bad decisions and take no responsibility for one's actions at some point in life. It's one thing to be a knucklehead, but it's another thing to be an old knucklehead. Not that 43 is old at all, in general terms, but as it relates to foolery and learning and doing better.......yeah. |
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You are absolutely right because it’s legal doesn’t make it right. Our legal system/society says (18) older is ok, you can by cigarettes at the age 18, you can be a stripper at the age of (18) etc, etc, etc… he made a bad decision; we all have at one point or another. If we as human beings were so perfect they wouldn’t put eraser at the end of pencils?