There's no right answer

[lovely24]

Everyone has an opinion about the stories that are posted on this site, but to be rude and arrogant just to get your point across is very childish. A person can get their point across without being rude or arrogant and personally, I tend to listen more to people who simply state their opinion without all the arrogance. It makes a much stronger impression. Furthermore, I think it's because people are rude and arrogant to them in their everyday lives, and they have to cope with it, so online they feel they can talk shhit freely because no one really knows them

[lovely24]

personally think the issue is that women come here wanting to moan and groan about the BM. They don't want real advice or solutions, they just want to hear someone cosign with them that the BM is an idiot who has a sole purpose of making life difficult for her. The reality is that most of the drama that is going on with these BMs is because these new GFs and wives engage in it. So yes if the question is "how do I deal with the BM and her crazy antics?". The answer is simple. DONT.[/quote][/b]

This comment is simply absurd! I believe that people come to this forum genuinely reaching out for help, these people whom open their lives on this forum are obviously hurting and have a open wound but it's poster like (truthbtold) that throws salt on the wound. Just maybe these poster are on this forum asking for help before the situation turns violent and I know this to be true, it can turn violent between BM and SM/GF. I am currently involved with a man that has BMD on a consist basis and I refuse to get involved, however BM finds a way to involved me one way or another. On the flipside my kids father has been involved with a woman for 10 years and in ten years we have not had one altercation verbally and/or physically. It depends on the maturity level of all parties involved and boundaries.

[lovely24]

truthbtold, why do you have to be the center of attention on this forum (attention wh&re)?! taking the focus off the matter at hand by making comments to put the focus on you? I don't get why you have to be the Wendy Williams of the forum and that wasn't a compliment

[Tellit]

lovely24 is coming for you Truth. LMBO.

I think we all have our own style of delivering the advice lovely24. One style is not better than another.

I recall that early on when I started posting someone snapped at me. They told me that I was contributing to the drama by even dealing with the BM. Then the person went in for a low blow and suggested that my DH was only paying a little amount of CS (I wish that were true).

As pissed off as I was about the person's comments I had to THINK about what was said. The CS thing I dismissed as ignorance but the statement that I shouldn't be talking to the BM was heard LOUD and CLEAR.

Before DH & I married to about the 5th year of our marriage I did NOT talk to the BM. I didn't speak to her even when she tried to engage me (she tried many times). I wouldn't even look in her direction. I had NO stress from the BM situation. DH exclusively dealt with her.

An incident happened to my SD in which I let down my guard. I began communicating with the BM because I felt horrible about what had happened (SD almost drowned while at the babysitter but during DH's parenting time).

I allowed BM to take that opportunity to bring me into the drama since I opened the door. I got so pulled into the drama & mess, I almost lost myself. Even when my DH was telling me, "Don't allow her to get to you. If she knows something bothers you, she will continue to try to press those buttons".

After the poster said what they did, as cruel as they were, I got the message. I disengaged myself from any dealings with the BM. I stopped dealing with her totally. If she contacted me, I either told her to call DH or didn't answer. Eventually I blocked her number so that she couldn't contact me. She was forced to call DH.

Even though the delivery was harsh the message was very clear and what I needed to hear.

Posters should look past the delivery and listen to the message. There are messages in every story in this forum. Some messages are recurring such as, "The BD is a DOG. RUN, do not walk away from the situation", "The BM has the BD by the balls and until he mans up, there will always be drama".

The most important message that both Jay & Truth are trying to convey is that BMD is dependent on the BD and the wives or GFs shouldn't get overly involved in it. The BD should be shielding their SO from the BM. Don't try to intervene or engage the BM based on what the BD is telling you. Listen, be the BD's support, but do so from a distance of the BMD. Don't plop yourself smack dab in the middle of it.

Also, ladies, if the BD has to move in with you and you have to drive him around, you need to think very carefully about pursuing a relationship with him. I would bet 10 to 1 that he has to move in with you because he was staying with the BM. Even if he says, "It was because of the kids" there is still unfinished business and there will be drama. RUN, do not walk, AWAY from the situation.

[truthbtold]

Oct 26, 2013 1:45:24 GMT -5 lovely24 said:

truthbtold, why do you have to be the center of attention on this forum (attention wh&re)?! taking the focus off the matter at hand by making comments to put the focus on you? I don't get why you have to be the Wendy Williams of the forum and that wasn't a compliment

Baaaaaaaaa, baaaaaaaaa.........yet another sheep provided of course, that this is not the OP under another guest account. Hmmmm.......Riiiiight, me trying to become the center of attention on a BMD board LOL. No hun, I'll leave that for you and your kind. It's funny though, you accuse me of relying on Jay to back me up or whatever the rhetoric was that you used, yet you have to wait for someone else to post their "disapproval" of my delivery (as if I care) and then you jump right into your role as an echo chamber. Oh, the irony. I'll end on this because you gals are so silly.



"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" (Various attributes: Mark Twain, Abe Lincoln, etc.)


Buh bye now.

[truthbtold]

Oct 26, 2013 18:23:46 GMT -5 @Tellit said:

lovely24 is coming for you Truth. LMBO.

I think we all have our own style of delivering the advice lovely24. One style is not better than another.

I recall that early on when I started posting someone snapped at me. They told me that I was contributing to the drama by even dealing with the BM. Then the person went in for a low blow and suggested that my DH was only paying a little amount of CS (I wish that were true).

As pissed off as I was about the person's comments I had to THINK about what was said. The CS thing I dismissed as ignorance but the statement that I shouldn't be talking to the BM was heard LOUD and CLEAR.

Before DH & I married to about the 5th year of our marriage I did NOT talk to the BM. I didn't speak to her even when she tried to engage me (she tried many times). I wouldn't even look in her direction. I had NO stress from the BM situation. DH exclusively dealt with her.

An incident happened to my SD in which I let down my guard. I began communicating with the BM because I felt horrible about what had happened (SD almost drowned while at the babysitter but during DH's parenting time).

I allowed BM to take that opportunity to bring me into the drama since I opened the door. I got so pulled into the drama & mess, I almost lost myself. Even when my DH was telling me, "Don't allow her to get to you. If she knows something bothers you, she will continue to try to press those buttons".

After the poster said what they did, as cruel as they were, I got the message. I disengaged myself from any dealings with the BM. I stopped dealing with her totally. If she contacted me, I either told her to call DH or didn't answer. Eventually I blocked her number so that she couldn't contact me. She was forced to call DH.

Even though the delivery was harsh the message was very clear and what I needed to hear.

Posters should look past the delivery and listen to the message. There are messages in every story in this forum. Some messages are recurring such as, "The BD is a DOG. RUN, do not walk away from the situation", "The BM has the BD by the balls and until he mans up, there will always be drama".

The most important message that both Jay & Truth are trying to convey is that BMD is dependent on the BD and the wives or GFs shouldn't get overly involved in it. The BD should be shielding their SO from the BM. Don't try to intervene or engage the BM based on what the BD is telling you. Listen, be the BD's support, but do so from a distance of the BMD. Don't plop yourself smack dab in the middle of it.

Also, ladies, if the BD has to move in with you and you have to drive him around, you need to think very carefully about pursuing a relationship with him. I would bet 10 to 1 that he has to move in with you because he was staying with the BM. Even if he says, "It was because of the kids" there is still unfinished business and there will be drama. RUN, do not walk, AWAY from the situation.

Hey Tellit,

Lovely, coming for me? Not in any lifetime LOL. They are silly, mentioning me in all of those responses and just as redundant as they want to be. Reminds me of a cat or dog, going in circles, trying to catch it's tail.....just pointless LOL.

In any event, a standing ovation on your post. Wasting time getting caught up and all in feelings because of the delivery, while ignoring the message, is extremely extremely juvenile. All of the armchair analyses of me is hilarious. Talk about a deflection. Bless their hearts LOL. So glad that you are drama free (woo hoo ;D) and you were spot on right from the beginning as far as not having any dealings with her. At the end of the day, there are only but so many alternatives in these situations, no matter how many stories are posted or how they believe their situation is soooo different. We have free will in so many areas of our lives (i.e. ability to bypass certain posts), so attempting to dictate how someone should respond, is futile in my case.

[jaylady999]

The most important message that both Jay & Truth are trying to convey is that BMD is dependent on the BD and the wives or GFs shouldn't get overly involved in it. The BD should be shielding their SO from the BM. Don't try to intervene or engage the BM based on what the BD is telling you. Listen, be the BD's support, but do so from a distance of the BMD. Don't plop yourself smack dab in the middle of it.

This exactly. But unfortunately, the new GF/wife tend to get so caught up on trying to prove to the BM that she is in it with her man for the long haul, that they lose sight of the point you made above. They would prefer to keep going back and forth with the BM until it stresses them out so much that it becomes a never ending cycle. And for some, at some point, it begins to be less about having peace in your life and more about "winning".

As BM: I realize that some BMs absolutely do realize that some BMs are nuts. Some have a sole purpose of making life difficult for the BD and by default, his GF/wife. I have dealt with all types of GFs over the years. BD had a knack for dealing with women who didn't have children, so they typically didn't understand the dynamics and felt like just because the man has a kid with someone, that they automatically get to play a role in the situation. They don't. Not where it involves me. GFs who try to insert themselves into a situation that BD and I have already successfully created amongst ourselves is the quickest way to get BMD from me.

As a SM: Let BM be his problem, not yours. A person cannot fight with themselves and they would look totally ignorant trying to. I don't have anything that even remotely resembles BMD, and there is a reason for it. I never engaged her. I will admit to, very early on, giving her way too much of my mental energy than she deserve. Trying to figure out why she did this or did that over the years. It was very taxing. Until I just decided one day, STOP IT. And it wasn't until then that I was at peace.

Ya'll can say what you want, but I will never be on board with listening over and over again to how BM does this or does that and what she's doing wrong. I am going to ask you, why do you deal with it? You can absolutely be in relationship with him without letting BM be your issue. It doesn't have to be a package deal. His kids? Yes. The BM? Hellz no!

In any situation, the only person's actions who you can control are your own. Any grievances you may have, take them up with your man. BM will only be an issue when you allow her to be. Or you can continue to whine about her while she is getting from you exactly what she wants. Space in your head. Yep, it really is that simple.

[dlalr5]

lovely-Refreshing that Im not the only who knows a snake when I see (read) one

[dlarl5]

oh and for everyone's information-Sorry Lovely is not me, just turns out more than one person see's the situation like it is. It is what it is, your attitude stinks truthbtold, but keep doing you LOL and have fun with it! It's kind of comical but yea, people with unfortunate situations in every day life are usually the ones who use social media to bring out their anger and computer muscles.

[recondite]

I see the opinions and advice coming from all angles and it's really nice to be able to get a sense of how someone else is dealing with a situation perhaps similar to your own;

This is the reason I joined this site. To find people who are dealing with similar issues and get varied opinions on how to handle BMD.

BUT, the main thing is EACH situation is different, OBVIOUSLY. Not all BMD can be handled the same....the stories we hear do tend to often have similar qualities; but overall, each is going to have to be attended to in regard to that particular situation.

I've been saying this since I joined this site.

BMD comes into existance so many different ways so if we are going to give out advice; since that IS the purpose of this forum, we need to not be nasty, bias, judgemental or share a message to someone as if we are beyond gaining more understanding or that perhaps we may KNOW ALL and have the superb point of view, that leaves any room for disagreement. NO ONE on this board is above another and these stories are ALL different. JUST because some of us have been on this site MUCH longer than others and see the same TYPE of story coming through on a regular basis, DOES NOT mean that those sharing the story have EVER shared before, ever heard someones advice on the matter or have any real idea on how to get themselves out of the situation they are in so be supportive. Thats is what this board is for! Be patient, helping another person loses its fulfullment and good doing if you are doing so with arrogance or lacking empathy.

Agreed. When I came to this site I was looking for an outlet. A place where I could get advice from an unbias party on how I could address some of the issues we have with BM. I was hoping to get some thoughtful feedback or helpful advice on how I could better handle situations when they arise. Although some people have offered useful input I have also been met with disdain and ridicule. It has limited the posts that I write because the negative responses I receive seem to outweigh the helpful advice I get. I would definitely suggest that the moderators be mindful of this. I feel the site could drive a lot of traffic if there were some way to monitor people giving there opinion on a situation versus attacking people for not behaving the way they think they should. Most people wouldn't have sought out this site if they knew how to deal with what they were going through. Just my two pennies.

[ladyqb]

I have been a member of this site as well as other sites for quite some time now; however, there are members such as Jaylady, Nomoredrama and etc. who have been members longer than me. My main reason for coming here is to learn some effective ways of how to handle my BM drama and I must say over the years, I have learned invaluable ways of dealing with BMD that it is now non-existence in my life. This has been one of the best sites for information and situations that closely resemble mines. And I am sure in time new members will learn how to effectively deal with BMD.

However, I have watched this site go through many of changes. I won’t speak on them but it has gotten extremely nasty around here. In my opinion, not likes anybody gives a dam, truthbhold, you are entirely too harsh and reckless with people feelings but what should one expect from a person who don’t give a dam about anyone but his/her self. Jaylady, I am surprised at you participating in this mess. However, I have noticed that you are trying to get out of this confusion. I have so much respect for you as the expert on this topic and truly believe that you could successfully write and promote a book on this topic (hint). And yes, you know that must repeat the same old information over and over again until new members understand the environment of BMD. I have watched you give advice and hand hold for many of years now on this site as well as other sites. Don’t change it not becoming of you.

Members both old and new come here, take what advice you need and disregard the rest. There will always being some negativity, it just the nature of beast on these type of boards. However, there are some really good people on this site. It’s actually one of the better sites. As a matter fact, the other site is so cut throat, I don’t even go over. I can’t even remember what the name of it but some of the members around here know the name. They would love truthbtold over there. However, I must say in all honesty, you legal education over there on how to work the court system.

What I would honestly like to see on this board in a new post “Why do GF/SM get into this mess in the first place and why do feel the need to open up our relationships to a 3rd party and care for someone else children?” nuts, I got my own dam babies (thank God they are grown now) to care for. Really, BMD=GF/ Wife’ “INSECURITY”.

[dlarl5]

Nov 1, 2013 10:15:37 GMT -5 recondite said:

I see the opinions and advice coming from all angles and it's really nice to be able to get a sense of how someone else is dealing with a situation perhaps similar to your own;

This is the reason I joined this site. To find people who are dealing with similar issues and get varied opinions on how to handle BMD.

BUT, the main thing is EACH situation is different, OBVIOUSLY. Not all BMD can be handled the same....the stories we hear do tend to often have similar qualities; but overall, each is going to have to be attended to in regard to that particular situation.

I've been saying this since I joined this site.

BMD comes into existance so many different ways so if we are going to give out advice; since that IS the purpose of this forum, we need to not be nasty, bias, judgemental or share a message to someone as if we are beyond gaining more understanding or that perhaps we may KNOW ALL and have the superb point of view, that leaves any room for disagreement. NO ONE on this board is above another and these stories are ALL different. JUST because some of us have been on this site MUCH longer than others and see the same TYPE of story coming through on a regular basis, DOES NOT mean that those sharing the story have EVER shared before, ever heard someones advice on the matter or have any real idea on how to get themselves out of the situation they are in so be supportive. Thats is what this board is for! Be patient, helping another person loses its fulfullment and good doing if you are doing so with arrogance or lacking empathy.

Agreed. When I came to this site I was looking for an outlet. A place where I could get advice from an unbias party on how I could address some of the issues we have with BM. I was hoping to get some thoughtful feedback or helpful advice on how I could better handle situations when they arise. Although some people have offered useful input I have also been met with disdain and ridicule. It has limited the posts that I write because the negative responses I receive seem to outweigh the helpful advice I get. I would definitely suggest that the moderators be mindful of this. I feel the site could drive a lot of traffic if there were some way to monitor people giving there opinion on a situation versus attacking people for not behaving the way they think they should. Most people wouldn't have sought out this site if they knew how to deal with what they were going through. Just my two pennies.

With everyone's thoughts coming through, I am glad to say that my view of Truthbtold's attitude is NOT just me attacking her and being nit picky, If other people see it then it clearly is something that has been on the mind of others besides me. Ive been on this sit for YEARS and have changed my name which I believe truthbtold has done too bc I remember this nasty attitude from years back but under another name. Anyway...there are helpful people on this site that have an opinion or advice worth hearing so hopefully nagative attitudes dont scare some people off

[dlalr5]

Nov 4, 2013 12:59:20 GMT -5 ladyqb said:

I have been a member of this site as well as other sites for quite some time now; however, there are members such as Jaylady, Nomoredrama and etc. who have been members longer than me. My main reason for coming here is to learn some effective ways of how to handle my BM drama and I must say over the years, I have learned invaluable ways of dealing with BMD that it is now non-existence in my life. This has been one of the best sites for information and situations that closely resemble mines. And I am sure in time new members will learn how to effectively deal with BMD.

However, I have watched this site go through many of changes. I won’t speak on them but it has gotten extremely nasty around here. In my opinion, not likes anybody gives a dam, truthbhold, you are entirely too harsh and reckless with people feelings but what should one expect from a person who don’t give a dam about anyone but his/her self. Jaylady, I am surprised at you participating in this mess. However, I have noticed that you are trying to get out of this confusion. I have so much respect for you as the expert on this topic and truly believe that you could successfully write and promote a book on this topic (hint). And yes, you know that must repeat the same old information over and over again until new members understand the environment of BMD. I have watched you give advice and hand hold for many of years now on this site as well as other sites. Don’t change it not becoming of you.

Members both old and new come here, take what advice you need and disregard the rest. There will always being some negativity, it just the nature of beast on these type of boards. However, there are some really good people on this site. It’s actually one of the better sites. As a matter fact, the other site is so cut throat, I don’t even go over. I can’t even remember what the name of it but some of the members around here know the name. They would love truthbtold over there. However, I must say in all honesty, you legal education over there on how to work the court system.

What I would honestly like to see on this board in a new post “Why do GF/SM get into this mess in the first place and why do feel the need to open up our relationships to a 3rd party and care for someone else children?” nuts, I got my own dam babies (thank God they are grown now) to care for. Really, BMD=GF/ Wife’ “INSECURITY”.

Good insite

[jaylady999]

Wait, what? I have not changed one bit. What's changed is the type of ladies who come here for advice. Back in the day we'd actually discuss solutions with one another. We exchanged real thoughts. For some reason now it seems the new batch of ladies want to nbe pacified and told they are right while they are overstepping all over the place and at least half (and I'm being conservative) of their drama is caused by thenselves.

[dlalr5]

I wouldnt say that, bc Ive been on this board for like 5+ years, although I took a VERY long break and it was due to the NASTY responses I was getting from certain posters, but I dont think anything is different. It seems there are more guests and not so many regular posters but you know, it is what it is. People want advice, they come looking. The way I am, I am going to come at someone with respect unless they ask for something else-depending on their attitude. This site doesnt belong to any ONE of us, it is for EVERYONE, what people put out here, is OPINION. Yea some of it may be common sense, some of it may work better than another, but NO ONE needs to come up in here acting all high and mighty as if they have ALL THE answers. I am not saying you do that bc I dont get that from you....but I was scrolling through posts just to see if truth's behavior has always been nasty and it HAS BEEN for the most part, I even came across a post where she was coming at YOU foul! I can copy and paste it if that doesnt ring a bell. Really who cares but my point is dont come on here with that attitude bc last I checked, Truth's words are OFFICIAL words or facts-they are her OPINION and her personality shines right through her posts. Its not a good look.