Lets suppose...

[ccorbett]

Dear BM,
I'm very happy where I currently stand with my boyfriend who is your bd, as much as you may think I'm his rebound trust me its been two years moving on three and we are both happier than we have been in the past. We plan on making plans in investing in our future together. I'm sorry when you left him for another man that didn't work out the way you saw it in your dreams, but this is real life now. There are a few things though I do have a problem with you doing. One, the fact that you believe it is ok to come to our house uninvited and asking to "speak" to me. Two, your crazy late night phone calls looking for cash. Three, the tire slashing is a little immature for you seeing that you have four years on me. Four, stop brainwashing your child he is four and you know he is smarter than you think he is. Finally, where i go is my buisness and you following me around the whole city is kind of creepy. Anyways back to other matters... Your son meens a lot to me whether you choose to accept that or not, there are things i have done for him you have no idea about. So i ask you this BM I' am a highly educated adult, and I'm very sick of these childish games that you continue to run, when will you stop....if you do?
I just wanted to express the fact I'm so sorry you let your man go and I found him, because he is amazing and I'm sorry you let something that great go. I wish nothing but the best for your son, as for you, think about how your tearing yourself apart... because thats how I found him. Torn and upset. Good luck BM you need more than luck tho....

Best Regaurds,
ccorbettt

[jaylady999]

wow. yall gettin deep up in here. I LOVE IT!

now if only some of these BM's could come strollin through here. I am really enjoying reading these.

[doinwatigottado]

Dear BM,

I am writing because bottom line respect is in order.

In the past while we were getting to know eachother and befriending one another, we both agreed on alot of things with regards to how we'd like your son to grow up and such and felt at ease knowing that we both knew BD in a particular way and that we like no one else could understand. It felt good to some degree but in retrospect, it was probably not appropriate for me to find comfort there because it made BD uncomfortable and I understand that and pulled away a bit in order to have safe distance, and focus on your son for simplicity. I think we learn as we go along and no one has a manual on how to partner effectively in this type of situation,

We were doing really good on the most important stuff and that is our caring for your son. My HD and I went as far as to hang out as a family with you and discussing ways to work with one another with regards to your son, we took full responsibilty for your sone when you went to school full time and were working for the last 2 1/2yrs. We never asked you for money as a matter of fact my HD was generous enough to give you money every now and then to help you out because you were always crying broke. We did all of the things a family does for love of a child. I know that every single woman needs a support system and you should know by now that I am not the type of woman that will stop BD from his responsibilities to his son and I believe that BD does all of the things he needs to be doing as the father of a blended family. However I became a bit leary of the fact that you believed that because we are cool means there should be no boundaries.

Now, your son was supposed to be in your care which recently shifted in January because your work hours allowed you to now mother your son, yet throughout this year your son has continued to spend the majority of his time at our home all up until September when he started school and during this past year prior to school you kept asking HD for money even though it seemed nothing changed with regards to amount of time your son was spending with us. This became a problem and then you realized that you had to do more before you got CS . This too I brushed off cuz d**n if I took everything you did to the head I would have already been admitted or jailed somewhere.

During the past 7 years you've been doing really strange things too and I observed a while back that I needed to keep you at bay because you seemed to think that my kindness was foolery. Everytime I would go away on vacation, I would come back home to find out very disturbing things, for instance you asking my HD to come inside your home to eat dinner with you and your son, then you asked him another time to help you put a new bed together. You must be out of your mind. Luckily for me my HD knows better than to have done it and he told me ALL about it and how uncomfortable he was with what you did. All of this happend some time ago and so we've moved on, but still I will always remember it.

Now recently I asked you after your son's Award Ceremony if something was wrong because you seemed to be furious at me, eventhough you told me you were angry with BD, you were barely speaking to me as if I did something to you and I could not ignore that something was going on. You told me that BD doesn't do enough for your son, that your son only lays his head down at my house. Well none of this is true, Both BD and I have done more than enuf in this situation, but I allowed you to vent because I was really confused at trying to understand WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE TALKIN ABOUT! I was able to diffuse your anger and move on. Cuz really I don't have time for the drama.

Later I realize that the REAL reason you were upset was because BD refused to help you with your house search. BD may have expertise in the area, but still not appropriate thing for you to ask or from him to do in my view. This all happend 2 days prior to Award Ceremony and for some reason I didn't pay too much attention to it as a possible reason for your erratic behavior. I assumed you would respect our decision. Then you asked him again 3 months later which in real time was 4 days ago for the same favor that he explained he could not and would not do for you. During this conversation you asked him why it was a problem? REALLY? It escapes your understanding? LOL Since you wanna play dumb. I don't believe this is a direct responsibility concerning your son. And I said no. My HD know better and told you no too and you wanna make an issue of it? Your son is and will always be the priority and I certainly will not argue different, but this my dear has nothing to do with your son!! You tried to argue that your son will be living in that house or condo. Please!! Save that bull for someone else who will listen or understand!!

I have always given you respect because your son is the one who suffers when we don't act civilized, but you know what, I am done. So be it. Enuf is enuf. Now if you wanna act like you have no sense go ahead. I'm a classy woman and I don't have time for you anymore.

[jaylady999]

WOW~

I love it. Your BM is so so typical by the way. Gettin up set when her BD wont do what she wants him to WHEN IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS CHILD. they just dont get it

[doinwatigottado]

I was glad to find this site cuz I really needed to vent. What I shared was not the half of it. Everyone in my family asks me how I do it. How I continue to deal with this woman and I'm starting to lose my long standing patience. This woman calls my HD at an average of 3-4 times a day. I feel like she lives with us sometimes and I had to let my HD know that his BM needs to understand the boundaries. I just can't tolerate it anymore. Thanks for the comment. It's good to know I'm not the only soul dealing with such an unnecessary sitation.

[jaylady999]

Sept 29, 2008 12:54:43 GMT -5 doinwatigottado said:

I was glad to find this site cuz I really needed to vent. What I shared was not the half of it. Everyone in my family asks me how I do it. How I continue to deal with this woman and I'm starting to lose my long standing patience. This woman calls my HD at an average of 3-4 times a day. I feel like she lives with us sometimes and I had to let my HD know that his BM needs to understand the boundaries. I just can't tolerate it anymore. Thanks for the comment. It's good to know I'm not the only soul dealing with such an unnecessary sitation.

if you dont mind me askin, how long have you and DH been together and how old is the child involved??

[Chalan]

Doin- This woman has TOO MUCH access to your life even though your intent was good. I suggest your husband and you contrive a plan to set boundaries. Her only concern should be the kids and not excuse to see the BD. Dinner at her place and help setting up beds? Give me a break! She can only do what your husband allows her to do. So far so good in my opinion BUT you might need to go another step further. I guess in the end you both need decide how much can you take from BM imposing on your life. Keep in mind- BM will probably have withdrawals when things begin to change because you can’t go on like this forever. I commend you though.

[doinwatigottado]

Jaylady,
HD and I were married very young and on paper we've been together 18 years, but we separated at one point, not because of BM or infidelity. I was just plain too young to really handle marriage. BM wasn't in the picture at that tme yet it is during this time that BM became BM. Just to explain, HD and I just couldn't bring our selves to divorce and we decided to work it out and since our relationship is strong. Now, the child is 12 now and my HD and I have 3 together.

[doinwatigottado]

Chalan,
She is having withdrawals now!! LOL. HD and I did have that talk.....and he's been cuttin her short when she calls She recently tried to argue with him about him yessing her to death and that she doesn't undertand why they can't discuss their son and or why he acts as if there is a problem with him coming inside her home to meet about her son. She asked him if there was a problem. He said he didn't feel they had much more to talk about. Then she changed the subject. I know that she is reaching. She wants to try to blame me for not getting what she wants and bottom line is blame all you want. I am done trying to accomodate her. She is out of control and we will continue setting the boundaries with her whether she likes it or not. There was a time it used to affect me because what she would do is use her son as leverage to get what she wanted. She is just plain immature. What woman doesn't understand boundaries. She would undersand them if she were the wife I'm sure. LOL.

[Chalan]

Piece of advice. Be cordial- Hi and Bye. I would leave everything else to BD. Any complaints or discussions leave it to your husband. If she tries to engage you for the kid’s sake, refer her to him. A plan is only as good as the executioners. Heck, she may never get the point but you will have more peace if your life.

[doinwatigottado]

Chalan,

Advise well taken!! : )) Thank you and will do.

[doinwatigottado]

Oh, and just to be clear on this cuz it almost sounded like I was trying to impede communication between my husband and BM. My husband speaks to BM ALOT about their son and I'm not at all against them communicating or making plans with regards to him, on the contrary. But what my husband is doing is making sure that the conversations are focused and not all over the place which is what she tries do. She loves talking to him about her job, friends, and things she's doing and sometimes I just feel it is too much. I've been more than patient around this issue, but it is obvious that she wants to insert herself into our lives in a way that gives her control and it is all self serving.

[doinwatigottado]

What a sense of relief already!!! Tellit, Jaylady, and Charlan, Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I have been struggling for years with this, trying to understand her, be fair, while thinking about my dh and his son. There is no one else in my life that I know who has a BM in their life, so I felt that I could NEVER really get any really good advice or understanding. I just feel relieved that I am moving in the right direction.

Thanks again!!

[jaylady999]

And make sure you continue to come back to encourage and be encouraged. i think this is a great support system. i was amazed at how real the whole BMD thing really is and how similar all of our stories are

this place has truly become part of my daily online experience.

[memyslfni]

I second that, Jaylady...Who needs soap operas?? This board is enuff entertainment for me...Actually all I really have time for.. ;D