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Post by hybridmommy on Jun 16, 2008 20:02:02 GMT -5
While reading another post the question entered my mind - Where is the line drawn?
Some BM's think that because their BD wife contributes "X" amount more financially into BD household, that they and their kids deserve MORE from BD - even if BD's income remains the same.
Some would argue that when a woman marries a man with children, she takes on the responsibility of those children.
Others would say that BD's past is his own issue and that financially what she earns is hers and should not be taken into consideration in regards to the SK's.
This somewhat relates to me as just recently we had this happen:
My husbands BM refused to allow him his court ordered visitation for months. We had reached a rough patch financially as I am the main income for the household and I had to take time off work to have a baby. (I know - how selfish of me.) At the time we did not have the finances to get a lawyer to involve the courts in enforcing the order - especially since BM lives 500+ miles away.
My husband joined the Army and was away for 4 months. He comes home on leave and out of the blue we get a phone call from BM (who knew he was home because she consistently stalks my blogs and myspace) saying that she cannot "handle" their 10 year old any longer and he needs to come live with us. He explained to her that at that time this was not an option as he was only home on leave. She proceeded to bash ME with profanities (she really doesn't like me) and scream at him saying that I was controlling him and that I had nothing to do with the issue and it wasn't my business and what a terrible father he was for not taking care of his kid when "he" needed him. Keep in mind, I was not involved in any of this conversation. (and turns out she and her husband were having marital issues because she cheated on him - again - and the kid was acting out because of all of the arguing in the household and that is why she needed to send him away - to make her life easier)
As soon as my DH said that I had nothing to do with the decision, but the fact of the matter was that he would not be here to care for the boy and that he would not ask me - his very pregnant wife who already cares for our almost 1 year old and works full time - to take on his responsibilities as a parent. He told her they could discuss it further when it was possible for him to take him.
GLORY BE! Her tune changed literally to - Well SHE married you and she knew you had kids that were your responsibility, so that means she should assume some responsibility for them too!
So which is it? I am a terrible person and it's not my business? Or he is my responsibility when she can't (or chooses not to) care for him, since I married his father?
I suppose it's not just a financial question, but a basic all around conundrum -
How far do a step-mothers responsibilities reach regarding the care and support of the step-children?
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Post by shortydo on Jun 17, 2008 10:06:45 GMT -5
wow.. i hope someone response to your message because inquiring minds would like to know.
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Post by gemmani on Jun 17, 2008 10:22:32 GMT -5
A stepmom's duties vary from situation to situation, family to family. Your role in the family is whatever YOU and YOUR HUSBAND decide upon. It's YOUR home, and YOUR rules. BM cannot control your home, or what happens inside. She cannot force you to do anything. BM also does not decide whether you have responsibility for the child or not. Its an "A" and "B" decision, BM can "C" her way out.
Hopefully, you and you hubby have had conversations regarding the role he wants you to take with his children. Your hubby is your guiding light when it comes to his children. He may want to to just support him or he may want you to take a more involved role. (My fiance and I decided that his kids have a mom and dad, so my role is like an auntie. I demand respect, I will dicipline lightly or as necessary. Large punishments or spankings, I leave that to fiance. That's what works for us and the kids.) BM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR ROLE IN YOUR HOME. That's not for her to decide, she doesn't live with you, she doesn't pay the bills, BD and BM are not together. You and hubby have EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD to parent as you want to parent. Don't let her bother you. She will say whatever to get her way, to maintain "control". But she doesn't have control if you don't give it to her.
Btw, kudos to your hubby for sticking up for you like that. I've seen other husbands just take the child with no regard for the wife, when the wife would be the one caring for the child day to day. I love when I see BDs with balls!
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Post by gemmani on Jun 17, 2008 10:25:11 GMT -5
Sorry, my point is that a stepmom's role in the home is between her husband and herself. Whatever floats your boat, do it. No two families are alike, so customize your role to fit you and the family. As long as you both discuss it and come to an agreement, then that's the right thing to do.
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Post by sbimiss on Jun 17, 2008 14:28:23 GMT -5
This might be a little off topic but gemmani mentioned that BMs will say or do anything to maintain control and get her way. I agree with this statement completely as I have had my share of troubles with BM. I would like to know what's your further take on your statement. What control do they seek for? What is it that they are trying to accomplish? And most importantly, why?  |
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Post by gemmani on Jun 17, 2008 15:23:19 GMT -5
Why do they seek control? ? LOLOLOL I have no freakin' idea. It could be an ego thing, like I had him, and I can STILL have him/ make him do what I say. They might want control b/c they get things out of it, like money. They might want to show the new woman that she's still the Queen B*itch. They might want him to come back. Our BM's sis told us that BM was hoping that if she gave my fiance a hard enough time, he would come back b/c it would be easier. I have no clue why, honestly. I'm not in their shoes, I certainly don't understand their thought process. It may be for the reasons I stated, or I just might be completely off base. I think it's an ego thing. Trying to make sure no one forgets that SHE'S the mom, and SHE had him, and SHE controls things. That in itself causes drama. Not doing things her way causes drama. Drama all around! I think it ALL stems from pain. These women are in pain b/c their life isn't what they want it to be. Maybe they want their family back together, maybe they are having a hard time being a single parent. They could just be in a bad place and are taking it out on the BD and his family. These are just my personal thoughts.  |
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Post by sbimiss on Jun 17, 2008 16:23:37 GMT -5
LOL...I guess there is no real answer to this question. I'm sure it is a culmination of all of the things you mentioned. Sometimes, I feel like BMs are like a different breed of women. I can not find myself doing some of things they have done but, thanks for your input. The opinions of others can def. aid in understanding our own situations.
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Post by rideordiechick on Jun 17, 2008 16:24:18 GMT -5
Your role in the family is whatever YOU and YOUR HUSBAND decide upon. It's YOUR home, and YOUR rules. BM cannot control your home, or what happens inside...BM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR ROLE IN YOUR HOME. Could not have said it better myself. It is not your responsibility to take on that role unless you choose to. BM needs to take a hike! |
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Post by gemmani on Jun 17, 2008 16:44:37 GMT -5
"Sometimes, I feel like BMs are like a different breed of women. I can not find myself doing some of things they have done " Sbimiss, I completely agree with that statement. Idk what goes through some- stress on the "some"- BM's heads. Then again, I have no kids and have no idea what its like to raise children without the father in the mother's life. That's something I might have a bit, just a bit, more insight on after I pop out a kid. Even so, I cannot see myself acting like these BM's act. I have a bit too much pride and dignity for that, thank you very much. |
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 17, 2008 21:44:56 GMT -5
"How far do a step-mothers responsibilities reach regarding the care and support of the step-children?"
In my case, it really depends on the situation. I have always kept in mind that I am a step-parent. The child has a mom & dad. I don't overstep my boundaries as a step-parent. I have never disciplined my step children more than just speaking in a firm voice. Anything other than that, I have turned it over to my DH. When my SS came to live with us, I became more like a mom to him because the situation dictated it. I participated in his school activities. I met with his teachers and guidance counselors. I helped him with his homework. I scolded him verbally when warranted. I took him and his friends to the mall (all of the things a mom does) because that was the role that I was in at the time and his mom did not have the ability to do it. However, after he went back to live with his mother, I was not as active. I resigned myself to a secondary role. If my SS needed me, I was there but only at the request of my SS.
In regards to finances, I think BM #2 doesn't realize that my money does not contribute to my DH's child support obligation. I don't discuss it with her. When she mentioned something about an increase in child support, I just calmly told her that my DH has his own expenses. She commented coldly that her daughter was here before I was. I did not respond to her comment because it was irrelevant. The fact remains that I am here and have been for almost 12 years now. And, we have 2 children together that he must help to support.
My point is that BMs feel a sense of "entitlement." When the BD does not immediately agree to their demands, some BMs lash out. One of the ways they lash out is to try to make the man feel guilty about not being there for the child. And then they lash out at the woman in the man's life. As BM #2 told me, she feels that I speak for him. This is coming from a woman who has never been married and whose last long term relationship was with my DH 14 years ago. I don't expect her to understand that wives/fiancees/girlfriends do speak for the man in some instances just as the man speaks for the woman at certain times. Some BMs just don't understand commitment.
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Post by msiheartmyself on Jun 18, 2008 17:22:11 GMT -5
"Sometimes, I feel like BMs are like a different breed of women. I can not find myself doing some of things they have done " Sbimiss, I completely agree with that statement. Idk what goes through some- stress on the "some"- BM's heads. Then again, I have no kids and have no idea what its like to raise children without the father in the mother's life. That's something I might have a bit, just a bit, more insight on after I pop out a kid. Even so, I cannot see myself acting like these BM's act. I have a bit too much pride and dignity for that, thank you very much. AMEN! |
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 19, 2008 1:56:52 GMT -5
Gemmani, I have 2 children with my DH but I can't see myself acting like some of the BMs I read about on this website. I have TOO much pride. I am also too stubborn. I would want to show him that I can handle my own WITHOUT him. I can't see myself chasing down behind him for every dollar that he has. I feel as though men should contribute to supporting their child financially but I don't believe a man should be bled dry either.
I come from a family of STRONG women. I have 3 sisters who are divorced and have re-married. Even before my sisters remarried, they did not chase behind their BDs. They kept decent relationships with the ex-DHs for the sake of their children. But my sisters did not create a lot of drama. My sisters' ability to move on and not remain fixated on the BD is the reason they are each remarried today.
A person who is truly HAPPY does not have time to chase behind or remain focused on anyone for ANYTHING.
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Post by gemmani on Jun 19, 2008 9:39:51 GMT -5
Exactly tellit. People with pride and class can't fathom how these BMs can act like that. What kind of standard are you setting for your kids? My cousin has a BD. He doesn nothing for his son. He has his women, but my cousin doesn not care about that. She works, and does what she has to do, with the help of family. Her brother is her son's father figure. Her son is the smartest lil guy I know. And he's happy. But she never caused any drama from him, and she doesn't even enforce child support (I don't agree with that one). She lives her life.
I like that last statement, tellit. No, I LOVE that last statement. When I think about my life, I'm so blessed. I have the best fiance in the world, my future stepkids are the cutest kids, my mom, dad, and sister support me. I have my friends, I have a good job and a good education. I have a GREAT life. Of course, with sunshine comes the rain, hence the baby momma! But in the scheme of life, its very trivial.
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Jun 21, 2008 16:38:57 GMT -5
Anger causes people to do a lot of things so does jealousy. The man has to draw the line or the baby mama who doesn't want to deal with his ass. Just live your life and be happy their will always be sorry b*tches and men who just want to makes someone's life as miserable as theirs. I have the same situation on it's reverse...the bd wants to make me miserable.
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Post by babydaddysupport on Jul 5, 2008 22:51:48 GMT -5
I simply treat my SS12 the same as my children..if my H has the kids, then he has all the kids and vice versa. The same rules for all and the same punishment for all. It has been 8 years now and the children have blended well. We have our rough patches, but we take it in stride. My SS12 knows that I will tend to his needs when she does not. Now he wants to live with us, and although he loves his mother, he doesn't like her very much. She did it to herself.
As far as her wanting him to take the child....do it! But do it legal. Make her sign him over then raise him as your own and it will save you a ton of money in the long run and he will probably become a respectable member of society. It is not much different than adopting. Love the child for who they are, regardless of the womb the came from...LOL. Good luck!
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