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Post by gemmani on Jun 19, 2008 11:04:15 GMT -5
I want my skids in our wedding this fall. I think it really symbolizes uniting a family. The two girls would be the flower girls and the boy will be the ring bearer. I picked out their outfits (the girls' dresses will look like mine, I think they'll get a kick out of them!). Unfortunately, BM probably won't allow that. Our wedding is on a Friday evening (random) and that's when we usually get the skids. However, we would need them to be at our house the night before, that thursday. That doesn't ever happen, they always come on Fridays. My fiance and I are trying the decide the best method to go about this. 1. Tell BM the truth about why we need the skids early 2. Lie and say his family is up for the day and we want them to see the skids. The oldest two have school (Pre-K and 1st grade), so they would miss that Friday. I would personally go with the second choice (avoiding drama) but she already knows we're getting married so she might put two and two together, then get mad that we are lying to her. If we tell her the truth, she will probably go out of her way to keep them that day. SO......any suggestions?? Please?   |
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Post by sbimiss on Jun 19, 2008 12:42:36 GMT -5
First and foremost, I have always believed honesty is the best policy but, I have learned through experience that a little trickery with the BM goes a longer way than being completely honest with her. If she wanted to play games with my bf and I, I knew how to play them better. We recently went to pick up his daughter and the mother said we couldn't because she had plans to take her to a birthday party the next day. It was his weekend to take her and she didn't care what plans we had. So, he told his daughter's grandmother(BM's mother) that he would just take her for a little while because we live in another city and were already in town to pick her up. Instead, we kept her for 5 days. We don't have contact with the BM(my bf communicates through BM's mom). She had no choice but to accept it. Therefore, in my opinion I think that because this is such an important event for you and you husband both, you should def. do your best to take every precaution in getting the kids without provoking BM to stir up trouble. Then again, you know your situation best. So, I'm sure you will make your decisions accordingly. Good luck!
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 19, 2008 14:49:19 GMT -5
Your fiance should talk with the BM about the plans for his wedding. He should be truthful with her and let her know that he wants to include the children in the wedding since you are blending families. You have to let the chips fall where they may. The BM may surprise you...
She may appreciate his honesty. BM does not have to know ALL of the details of the wedding but your fiance should tell her that he would like his children to be in the wedding.
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Post by gemmani on Jun 19, 2008 15:12:04 GMT -5
I will discuss this with him asap. Its just that he can't stand her, and hates talking to her, and especially hates asking her for something. She has this tendency to flip it into a control-manipulation thing. I would like to just tell her, make things (hopefully) easier. At the same time, she had recently told him that she wants him back. So I don't know if its the best idea to talk to her about it, she may get angry. This is why I was asking, we both keep going in circles about it!
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Jun 21, 2008 16:23:32 GMT -5
As a BM my advice would be to be honest maybe not give a lot of details because if she finds out from her kids that they were in your wedding all hell is going to break loose. You may not realize it now but hell hath no fury like a BM scorned.
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Post by gemmani on Jun 23, 2008 13:08:10 GMT -5
If I didn't know about BM's scorned fury, I must live under a rock, lol. Unfortunately after this past weekend, the honesty route is out the window. With someone so vindictive, we won't risk it. She's already talking trash about not letting the kids come around. As far as she knows, its taking place in October, a month later. Sad. My fiance was right.
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 23, 2008 13:37:42 GMT -5
So has your fiance asked her about the wedding yet? Can you change your plans & get married on a Saturday instead of Friday? She may use the fact that she doesn't want to pull the kids out of school (yes, even kindergarten & pre-K) to say why they kids can't be in the wedding. I don't know what the situation is between your fiance & BM but its sounds like she is angry & bitter. She probably will not want the kids to share in your day because she feels like it is validating your relationship...You know how some BMs can be!! If you don't think that honesty will work, then go the deception route. If there is a court order for visitation, she will place herself in contempt if she withholds visitation. But, it will be harder to get away with it if you have to take the children out of school. You can justify having the kids on Saturday though...And you can get the kids Friday night to prepare them for the wedding on Saturday. Just a suggestion....But I don't know how large your wedding is. It may not be possible to move the wedding date.
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Post by gemmani on Jun 23, 2008 14:34:31 GMT -5
Nope, can't change the date. I know its a random day, but the contract is done. Maybe we can get them early on Friday, and keep it like that. Shouldn't take long to get them ready. Gonna have to be deceptive, no way around it. He hasn't has a sit-down talk with her, but she has implied that she will not make it easy. SO.....she'll have to be pissed off afterwards when she finds out. I don't care AFTER the wedding, she can be mad all she wants, but I'll be d**ned if she ruins my day.
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Jun 24, 2008 22:14:22 GMT -5
I'm telling you it's better to tell her and them not be in the wedding than to sneak them in there and for that she won't let them come around at all. Is it really a big deal if their in the wedding or not?
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Post by gemmani on Jun 25, 2008 11:24:13 GMT -5
To be honest, at this point, I'm losing interest. Planning a wedding is stressful enough, especially when we have limited time to do it. (We had intended to go to City Hall, but my mom wasn't having that, so she told me she would pay for the wedding. We wanted to get married close to the date we first got together. But neither of us wanted to wait until next year for that, hence the rush wedding. And no, I'm not pregnant I really don't want to add any more stress to what's supposed to be a happy day. I would love it if they could make it, we can always go to Bloomingdale's or something for dresses and suits for them. I had wanted the girls to be in a similar dress to mine (It's ivory, with a champagne colored......wrap/smock thingy around the waist, with ivory and champagne embroidery. Let me tell you, dress shopping is one of my least favorite activities. I had no idea how much went into just WEARING a wedding dress. It was a brutal wake-up call. But at least I got one, I guess.) I just saw the wedding as an opportunity to symbolically unite everyone. It would mean alot to me, and hopefully to the kids. But I'm done beating my head against a wall named BM. But I usually get my way, so something tells me they will be there. |
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Post by babydaddysupport on Jul 8, 2008 23:13:13 GMT -5
We told my H's BM and she scheduled her baby shower for the same dang day. She wouldn't let my SS (then 7) attend. She said he perferred to go the baby shower!?!?!?! WTH? We have been married going on 6 years now. I wish he could have attended, but we are married just the same and he (SS) knows what she did. You will have nothing but hell if you try to sneak. Just get married. The kids will figure it out in time.
I wish you the best of luck! It is a long and trying road being a step Mom, but it has it's own rewards. Congrats!
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Post by angelnmo on Jul 9, 2008 22:32:05 GMT -5
I agree with tellitlikeitis. The kids will be 2 young to be offended or get their feelings hurt if they are not a part of the wedding. You let your fiance know that you wanted to include his kids in the wedding. That's good enough in my book. If he so desperately wants his kids in the wedding, let him try to work it out with the BM.
But let me warn you from experience, the BM will probably want to come to the wedding just to piss you off and mess up your day! She will probably use the excuse that if her kids are being used in the wedding, then she wants to be there to see it.
You don't need the stress or the drama on your wedding day. Especially now, let that day be all about you, the way it's supposed to be. Congrats on your wedding. I am actually planning mine right now.
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Post by gemmani on Jul 10, 2008 9:56:30 GMT -5
Are you? Well I hope you enjoy palnning your wedding Angelnmo. I'm not! Too many details for me. I'd personally rather go to City Hall, but I've been out-voted. I had actually thought of BM showing up. But I have serveral large family members who can quietly escort her away.
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Post by gemmani on Jul 10, 2008 13:45:54 GMT -5
OMG Tellit, that's EXACTLY what I think, too!! First of all, hopefully I don't offend anybody, but there's no way in hell I'm bringing an illegitimate child into the world- PERIOD. I have a baby, then that means I have a husband, too. Having a baby is too big of an experience to share with someone you aren't completely committed to (unless you don't believe in marriage but are basically commonlaw). That's one of BMs issues with him, the fact that I didn't pop out any kids but I still got the ring. Its called "being in love" but she doesn't get that.
If she wants to show up, she will be able to view the beautiful setting for approximately 1 minute until one of my family members quietly escorts her out. I already spoke to certain family members about it (not specifically for BM, I also have a stalker or two......long-a$$ story). Best believe I have a contigency plan!
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Jul 10, 2008 15:52:48 GMT -5
Some people because of their ghetto mentality think they baby=marriage. Some people like myself didn't want another abortion. Was I irresponsible oh hell yes I am not in denial. But God is good and knows how to work a situation out. I've seen men marry women who have two children who are not theirs. In the end it all boils to the vibe you have with that person and how they feel when they are with you. Countless women have had babies with men and still got married to them..I know several.
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