she is trying to provoke me!

[im2grown4this]

.......She has always been a problem ever since she found out about me. It started in 2006 when we took my two kids and his daughter to the zoo. When she found out that he had HER daughter around me and my kids she flipped out. I mean it was mid-night and she had the little girl in the back seat of the car while she sat outside my house and vandalized his truck and my car. She slashed tires and cut the cover to the bed of his truck, busted headlights, etc.
Finally, we called the police and they came, took her to jail and towed her car. The girl who accompanied her took the daughter home I guess. Now ever since then she has threatened to keep his daughter from him if she has any contact with me and my kids.
He has always, since we've been together, taken care of this little girl. She had the nerve to take him to court for child support. She won that too cause he didn't have money for a lawyer so, he got robbed. They are taking about $800/mo for the one child. It's not the issue of the support it's just how much it is. You would think that she would be happy cuz she gt what she wanted. No. His daughter was Worth us again for the fourth of July and she flipped out again. She came to my house and cussed my mother out and everything. Then she slashed my tires again! She constantly keeps the daughter from him and she uses her against him all the time. I feel bad for the little girl I'm really trying to be the bigger person here but it is just so hard to deal with such an immature and self centered person. She's EVIL.
...I have read responses to the first posting. Thank you for all your suggestions. I have tried to get a restraining order and the judge said that the situation wasn't serious enough. She asked me if i felt my life was in danger and I told her no. This BM has never met nor seen me. I didn't and i don't feel my life to be in danger. So, she said it wasn't serious enough for order of protection. So, I gather that things have to get worse before they can get better. All i have to say now is I HOPE she comes to my house again, while I am there. She will not be leaving in the condition she came in.......
Since coming to my house and starting all the mess she has lied to her lawyer and said that my mom cussed at her daughter and called her racist names. So, BD has been advised that the little girl cannot be at my house(where my mother currently resides with me). So, she is doing everything she can to keep her out of OUR life together. But it won't be long because we are getting married next month and we will be living together and because he pays his child support he has the right to visitation at OUR house.After we are officially married and living together we will then get a lawyer and take her back to court where she exactly what she deserves for being so self centered and inconsiderate of her daughters feelings. She constantly tells the 6 year old that "her daddy is too busy with his new family for her" or "your daddy has a new family now" She's trying to turn her against him by preying on her daughter's emotions. I could just take her and ................

[jaylady999]

Wow. I am so sorry that you are going through this as well as this poor little girl. I agree you should be seeking a restraining order. This chick sounds like she will do whatever she has to let the world know how mad she is.

[angelnmo]

My advice is to get a restraining order also. Then go to the store, buy a gun, familiarize yourself with it and get it registered, go to the shooting range and learn how to use it. This woman sounds malicious, unstable and dangerous. I only see the violence escalating. Some self defense classes would be good too.

[youknowwhatitis]

I wouldn't get a restraining order unless she physically tries to harm you. She can get one against you to or BD and then she will have good reason to keep the child away from you. You didn't give enough info for me to decipher what's really going on. But the lack of compassion for BM's is what fuels a lot of this drama. Understanding is key.....they dont' bother me because I understand them.

Let me say this:

When a man has a child with a woman it creates enormous amounts of physical and financial stress on that woman. Kids are costly and time consuming and a lot of work. Then add that to the pain of rejection, or someone who refuses to help, or the fact that the person has moved on and is happy and you BM still have the brunt of that responsibility. It is the makings for an emotional and psychological mess. Many of those woman are looked down upon and talked about ie this board a lot of the time. No one really gives them the encouragement and emotional support they need. They judge them by circumstances and not by the heavy physical, emotional and financial burden they bear. Now there being blamed for the economy being messed up....come on be for real. No woman or man is made of steel. I'm beginning to think the expectation for the BM's for a lot of you guys are just too high.

If you can understand their problems you can understand their methods, and their seemingly irrational behavior. Those who deserve love the least need it the most.

[memyslfni]

Youknowwhat, u seem to have all the answers so let me just ask u this....How do you respect a person who doesnt respect themselve or should I say how do you help a person that dont want to be helped? I really need to know because the last thing on a CBM's mind is LOVE for herself or anyone else for that matter. Please let me know what I can do to make bm's day brighter because you know what she really does need it. You see I try to have compassion for them but its the lack of respect for themselves that holds them back from wanting more for themselves and their children and I cant help no one who dont want to help themselves.

[youknowwhatits]

You are right memyself, YOU can't help anyone who doesnt want to help themselves and neither can I. Sometimes this is only my opinion the best help we can give somebody to understand them, accept that's they how they are maybe for the moment, maybe for life and have compassion on them. I'm simply saying that the judging and put downs are not going to change the situation any. And it's so easy to judge when you aren't in those shoes and if the shoe was on the other foot, you really don't know what you would do. You would just believe that you would get it together eventually. I'm not saying befriend BM or buy into her BS. I'm just saying understand that people have real psychological and emotional problems and sometimes it clouds their judgement. It wasn't easy for me to forgive BD and family and lord knows I vented to the board too. But I'm realizing that sometimes you have to be the bigger person. But be wise enough to know how far to take being the bigger person. It's the law of diminishing returns if you do something too much like eat it begins to workagainst you. I'm simply suggesting that maybe changing your attitude towards the BM will help you see her in a differebt light nd really feel for her and be better able to handle her which in turn will take a lot of stress and anger off you. I'm speaking from someone who has had to do that and I tell you the truth it has worked for me. Recently God has just increased my ability to understand people and their actions. We don't have to agree with them or like what they choose to do but if we stay positive ourselves we'll better be able to fend off their bitter attacks and truly feel sorry that they have to live their lives that way. A little compassion goes a long way.

It's like with BD it's sad he's so young and disabled. It's sad that he has learned nothing from the accident and doesn't want to be involved with our son because he thought it was hurting me. It's sad to give someone else that much power over you. It's sad that him and his family have decided to stoop so low. But I understand they are bitter, and lack the strength to receive and accept the truth about the situation. Psychologically and emotionally they can't handle it so they blame me and my son. It's a very sad situation for him and they have the burden of caring for him I don't. I can feel their pain but I disagree with the way they've chosen to express it. I understand that they will most likely never forgive me for what they perceive as my fault. I understand this is easier to them then admitting personal failure and defeat. I understand it to be weakness and not strength. Maybe they aren't there yet, maybe they never will be but I forgive them and I choose to move on with my life and love my son REGARDLESS. You win some, you lose some but you can learn from both and grow stronger.

[memyslfni]

Youknowwhat, your right about being able to only go so far with compassion for some of these folks that have a hard time dealing with reality. Just like you cant help the fact that your bd and his family are reluctant to accept the fact that there is a child that needs the love of his mother and father. They basically point the finger at you for their inability to be there for your son. A friend of mine is currently trying to get her bd and his family to become involved in her daughters life. And I just got finished telling her that their is only so much she can do about that. Apparently they will remain in denial that the child is his until proven otherwise. She feels that he contributed to the making of the child so he should do his part in supporting. And she is right. But things dont always happen that way. He's got his little fiance, his family all in his ear...putting thoughts into his head. Listen to this, when she calls this man for him to talk to his 6 month old daughter..apparently everything is all good but the moment she mentions $$$ he's like "How do I know she's mine?" I think she is now to the point where she feels she's trying to hard for someone elses benefit. She wants to shut the door on him, but I told her that it wouldnt be fair to the child and that when he comes to his senses he'll come around. If he wants to be there for his child to let him do the work. If he wants a dna, let him pay for it...stop sending him pics of her. If he wants pics of her..tell him to bring his camera....My point is that sometimes gf's and wives try to have compassion for the bm because we as women know how hard it can be to raise a child(ren) as a single parent. This is why we push bd to get his kids for the week/ weekend/ month etccc..Are we not showing compassion for all those involved? It urkes me when those bm's that put the blame on the gf's/wives that try to make it possible. If bm's would stop for one moment to find out whats going on and that its not all about them. They want to assume that because we are the new SO in bd's life that we want to come in between bd and his child(ren). And believe me, most times that is not the case. Why would a woman want to have a future with a man who neglects his responsibities? Oh yes, but there are women that function that way. Anyway sorry so long, thanks for the chit chat...

[tellit]

Youknowhatitis said "I wouldn't get a restraining order unless she physically tries to harm you. She can get one against you to or BD and then she will have good reason to keep the child away from you. You didn't give enough info for me to decipher what's really going on. But the lack of compassion for BM's is what fuels a lot of this drama. Understanding is key.....they dont' bother me because I understand them. "

I think that the BM has showed that she is violent. She has already destroyed she and the BD's property. I will be the FIRST to tell you that you should not wait until the BM threatens to harm you. Often the BM doesn't warn you. BM & I had been together in my DH's house and neither of us said a word to one another except "hi." BM was suppose to be visiting DH's mom since they used to be friends. BM never touched my property. She did not appear to be a violent person...Just a lot of talk. I did not take her seriously...Until the day she physically assaulted me.

We all know that being a single parent is A LOT of work but it does not give the BM a free pass to act like a fool. If being a single mom is THAT stressful, then perhaps the BM should consider giving up custody of her child to the father. This BM has destroyed their property TWICE. How many EXCUSES should they make for the BM?

As far as expectations on this board being too high...I expect BM's to act like adults. If a BD wants to be in his child's life, I expect the BM to put her child first and stop acting like a child by throwing temper tantrums over things that she has no control of.
Perhaps BMs can get a sign up to go into the schools and speak to teen girls about the pitfalls of being a single parent. There has got to be a better way to express their feelings than acting like a mad woman.

**im2grown4this....get a restraining order **

[angelnmo]

Yeah, and if you still don't want to get the restraining order, at least file formal complaints with the police department. That way you have legal records of the BMs violent nature that you will be able to use in court if that time comes.

When the BM broke into my fiance's house and physically attacked him, we called the police. Of course by the time they got there, she was long gone. But they told us to fill out a formal complaint and file it with them so that we have proof that she is violent. We also took pictures of the scratches and bruises that she left on him when she was trying to fight him.

It may or may not be a good idea to file a restraining order. Because most likely she will just counter file. Also, keep in mind, to file a restraining order you have to provide vitals such as first and last name, birth date, social, etc. If you don't have the correct info. you cant file the restraining order.

[wbmama]

Our CBM could give two shi*s about any legal ramifications to her actions. My advise to you Im2grown4this, is pictures, notes, police reports ___ DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. You never know when it will come in handy. She'll dig her own grave (so to speak) and you'll have a mound of evidence to support you.

[retrostar]

good luck with your situation, and as everyone has mentioned, document these instances - because the more you have formally filed with your local police department the more proof you have in the long run.

i hope the child is ok. keep us updated.

[gemmani]

Its hard to have compassion for someone who puts you through hell because......THEY PUT YOU THROUGH HELL.
I'm not going to sit around and pity a woman who got HERSELF into the situation. No one forced open her legs to drop some sperm in. There is nothing that gives her the right to act out like some psychopath. So being the bigger person to me means cutting BM out. I nor my fiance will stand around and take abuse from BM because we feel "sorry" for her. She is a grown woman, like all these females are, and its no one elses fault for their situation in life but themselves.
"If the shoe's on the other foot".........nope. I'd never be dumb enough to get myself into that situation. I have standards and expectations for myself. Not my fault or anyone else if BM settles for trashy standards then regrets it.

[hotheaded]

I agree with the documentation thing because that will back you up in case something goes down between you and her. My situation is someone like that, however this stupid...cuss word...comes at me where I can't truly go off. But a cop friend of mine told me to get documentation behind me so if I have to mace that..cuss word.. or whatever I will be alright. We did the whole dna thing and are now waiting for an order of cs, but it is cool. I didnt want to have to deal with this drama filled .cuss word.. for another few years, but so be it. I have to be the bigger woman. That is a hard thing for me to do since I am used to handling things in a violent way (when I was younger). People will bring out the worse if you let them, but I realize she got the baby I got the man, money, and so on. She is unhappy with her own life still living at home at an old age and so on. Oh well that is on her...my thing is don't push your insecurities and mistakes as a woman on me. If he didnt do right when yall were together..oh well... He knew what was required to get and keep me. It takes a woman to make a man and she wasn't that woman. Get over it, move on!!!

Anyways back to what I was saying. Keep your cool get what you need to back you up. Always CYA (COVER YOUR AZZ) OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE SOL (S*&% OUTTA LUCK)..

[youknowwhatitis]

I got the man.........sounds like you got the drama. Why are some people so concerned about having the man that they don't realize that isn't all about that man. People have vendetta's against people for several different reasons......some people just like making other ppl's life miserable. The problem is some of yo are so worried about keeping your so called MAN that you can't clearly understand the situation and make rational decisions. I told you the restraining order thing WAS STUPID and wouldn't work. Don't take all your advice from people in the same situation as you........their is a reason why their in the same situation as you they can't see clearly to get out.

[youknowwhatitis]

That is BULL sh*t about it takes a woman to make a man.....NO HONEY it takes a man to make a man. Nothing can come out of you but what's in you. You aren't any better than her. People mature at different rates. People get older and wiser and change. I'm 20 something and things I used to do at 18, 19, 20 I would no longer do. It's called maturing........sometimes you outgrow ppl you used to really love. I know for a fact I have outgrown my family. When you're the type who wants to expand your mind and your life you want those you love to come on that journey with you...........often they refuse or put you down for wanting to go in a certain direction with your life. I'm experiencing that now. Some ppl in your life like tellit said are not healthy enough to have a front seat so you have to put them in the back........some waaaaaaaaaayyyy in the back. Obviously BM and him have both grown or maybe he has grown and bM has not. However their is no longer a romantic relationship bond between them ppl have simply grown. You aren't wonder woman you two may simply be on the same path now...pride causes downfalls.........I wouldn't get too thingyy.