Why would I want him if........

[ty1981]

I have read countless post by youknowwhatitis.....and have gotten to look inside the head of a BM. Now, once again I will say I don't have any children yet. However, every comment has to do with child support. So I made a list:

Why would I want him:

If he weren't a good father.
If he b**ched about paying child support.
If he made kids and didnt take care of them.
If he was a horrible person (like you say he is).
If he wasn't Sh*it(like you say he is).
If he was never gonna amount to anything.

I am not jealous of you(it takes to much time and energy).

I do not want to take your kid from you(if you are as good a mother as you say you are, you shouldn't feel threatened).

I do not care that he pays CS.....I want him to take care of your kids, as well he should, as I expect this of him.

If he is all that you say he is...why did you want him,have child(ren) with him.

I just met a man....fell in love with him......he asked me to marry him.
I am not the enemy....I am just a person who got what you wanted. without even knowing you wanted it.

If he made mistakes in the past...oh well.....I have too.

I just want to live my life....just as you should want to live yours.....MOVE ON!

[gemmani]

OMG. Go on Ty, let it out!
I am like you, childless. For the time being. I think we are in a unique position here. We get to see what kind of father our men will be BEFORE we get pregnant. And obviously we like what we see.

So I see his parenting style.......firm yet loving.
I see that he honors his responsibilities..........previously paying CS and actively exercising visitation with no court order.
He treats me beautifully and most importantly, he respects me.
He's obviously patient and loyal.........put up with some bullsh*t for YEARS hoping things would improve before he had had enough.
If he is SO HORRIBLE why did you lay down and have THREE kids with him?

I guess it stems from the fact that they didn't have any criteria for choosing a mating partner. So they figure WE don't have criteria/ standards. I have a looooooooong list of things that are important to me in a relationship. If he didn't pass the bill, why the HELL am I here dealing with this bullsh*t?? Duh.

[ty1981]

Gem......that's why you are my girl.......you think i went to school all these years....worked hard at my job just to marry a loser.Give me a little credit here. It's just funny to me that most BM's have a long list why we shouldn't be with them......where was that list when they were with them.

[jaylady999]

Aug 26, 2008 16:24:16 GMT -5 ty1981 said:

Gem......that's why you are my girl.......you think i went to school all these years....worked hard at my job just to marry a loser.Give me a little credit here. It's just funny to me that most BM's have a long list why we shouldn't be with them......where was that list when they were with them.

And one even better, the BM would still be with him in the present if the opportunity presented itself

[ty1981]

Banana cream pie was never with him. She was a booty call. Even she says he never gave her consideration.....yet he is the wrong man for me please!

[daddyinpdx]

Lol, I'm learning a lot about women by reading the posts. Not negative, but it's interesting how both men and women vary in the way we process through situations.

Many men and women choose the "wrong" partner because they have yet to find out who they are.

I made some horrific decisions when it came to women. Now don't get me wrong, I don't belive that there are any "bad" people on the planet.

The person you choose should be someone suitable for you to relate to. The only way to find that out is by spending a lot of time alone with yourself.

My two major issues were that

1.) I didn't know who I was. I couldn't discipline my mind, didn't have a will to progress, and really couldn't control my emotional well being. I was all over the place.

I fell deeply in love with the wrapping paper (body, booty, toes, and skin tones) but did not know that a gift comes inside the package.

2.) I was afraid to spend time alone with myself. I always ask people with relationship issues the simple question.

Why would someone want to be with you, if you are afraid to be with yourself?
We get mad when someone stands us up, but never seem to find the time to learn about ourselves until we hit rock bottom from a funky relationship.

After doing a personal inventory, I found that I never spent time alone with just me. I became a camilion for other woman. I chalked it up as being a lover of the opposite sex, but in reality I was afraid of my own reality.

Those two issues became prequsites for the BM drama to rear its ugly head. It was a monster of my own creation.

You are what you tend to think about most of the time. I thought a dramatic woman was a new kinda sexy. Boy was I gassed up.

It takes a new kind of person to get through these situations. BM drama made me a better person.

A phoenix will always arise from the ashes. You just have to look up!

[ty1981]

I totally agree daddy...lol. Which is why I never got into a relationship when I was in college or right after. I was to busy enjoying myself, my freedom, my youth. Getting to know what I liked, didnt liked, could put up with and wouldn't put up with. I wanted to know and develop who I was...and do all the partying I wanted to do. My husband to be was a fool in the 90's and had i met him then I would have dropped him like a bad habit. However, I met him after he changed his life. Does he not get to be happy because he made some very foolish mistakes in his misguided youth. I don't think so.....going thru those things made him a better man for me. Like i said in one of my earlier post...maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship, or maybe he wasn't ready for a relationship with you. Banana cream pie was a booty call. He told her he didn't want a girlfriend. She got pregnant to trap him .....did I get that story from him...no from her.... he was 17....she was 21. He has paid child support for 17 yrs...gave up his basketball scholarship and went to the air force to support his child. So he didn't marry her, he was 17...she was 21 she made her bed..now she has to lie in it. She has already ran one wife off. Sorry to tell her I have a little more strength than that. I love him, he loves me...we have a nice peaceful life. When banana cream pie rears her ugly head..I just laugh cause she is pitiful.

[tellit]

Aug 26, 2008 17:41:28 GMT -5 daddyinpdx said:

Many men and women choose the "wrong" partner because they have yet to find out who they are.

The person you choose should be someone suitable for you to relate to. The only way to find that out is by spending a lot of time alone with yourself.

My two major issues were that

I fell deeply in love with the wrapping paper (body, booty, toes, and skin tones) but did not know that a gift comes inside the package.

Why would someone want to be with you, if you are afraid to be with yourself?

After doing a personal inventory, I found that I never spent time alone with just me. I became a camilion for other woman. I chalked it up as being a lover of the opposite sex, but in reality I was afraid of my own reality.

Those two issues became prequsites for the BM drama to rear its ugly head. It was a monster of my own creation.

A phoenix will always arise from the ashes. You just have to look up!

Daddyinpdx, you just have a way with words...I am drawn to your post to see what you are going to say next.

You are so right about spending time with yourself and finding out who you are. When I was younger, I wanted a good looking man. He had to be light skinned, green eyed, tall, muscular frame...I did not care about his intelligence...I even accused one guy of using me when I found out that he already had a girlfriend...His comment was, "you can't be used unless you let yourself be used."

It HURT like Hades when he said it but I realized that there was a lot of truth to what he said. That was a turning point in my life. Men treat women the way we allow them to treat us. I was very superficial. I used to focus on looks and not character. I focused on looks because I was not happy with myself. I felt that a handsome man might somehow complete me. I realized that no one could fill the void missing in me but me.

Daddynpdx, you should write a book. I would buy it.

[jaylady999]

i think he did say he was writing a book. he does have very powerful insight around this place. i love it

[youknowwhatitis]

Thank you daddy in pdx for telling. ....ty hating azz the truth.........you are not a person who got what she (BM) wants. I'm sure to want to believe that to fuel your superiority complex............you want a thorn in your side..........YOU GOT ONE.

First of all like daddy said people get with people because they don't know who they are yet........as was the case with my BD....I had not fully emerged into the brilliant, no shi*t-takin, woman I am now.

Men and women grow up, mature and discover who they really are. Boys and girls never grow up and actualize their potential. A woman or man who has a child with someone and is the custodial parent is entitled to CS. If you don't get it........you're the d*mn fool. Right is right. If BD was taking care of my son........and I was working I owe him support and vice versa.

If BD was working I could've gotten easily close to 1000.00 a month for my son. But since he got injured I'll take the 700.00 it helps.

Pain produces for the intelligent..............progress............for the fool...........nothing.

Don't be mad because this BM is gettin what her's and regardless of if my son ever see's his dad again in life. I know my son is loved and well cared for...........and even though he's little he knows that too. I didn't grow up with a dad in my home, neither did most of the people I know and I have friends who are now RN, lawyers, accountants etc. It's having a loving parent who pushes you to be your best that counts. Point blank. Call it what you wanna but me and my baby are going to GET OURS.

[daddyinpdx]

Tellit,

Thank you for your response. I'm the process of writing a book to Young Black Males titled

From Ghetto to Global
"Unground Game for the Young Black MALE"

GAME = Ghettos Access for Mind Empowerment

It's a how to book for young black men to use as a "Clift Notes" as they navigate through a society that is postitioned to kill black men.

I touch upon many angles such as

The origin of the ghetto

the man/woman roles, societal rules and regulations

Baby Momma Drama-the young male dilemas

The prison industrial complex - Jim Crow in the 21 century.

I also touch upon many other life saving ideals that will revolutionize a young mans mentality in hopes to revitalize my Afro American peoples.

I see myself as a Young Black Harriet Tubman, because I come from the catacombs of the housing projects laced with experience, pain, and peals of wisdom that derives from the many
delimas of the Black Life such as:

Street Life - I grew up around Pimps and Prostitutes

Lack of Parents - lacked male role models and positive male figures

Struggle - Saw a lot of self hate imagery throughout the ghetto (Gets. Harder.Everytime.I Try. To get Out)

These dilemas are just a type and shadow of what I've experienced while growing up.

You see Hariet Tubman escapped from slavery which was an indentured servatude in her time and has now become a psychologial issue in my time.

Case and Point - > my aim is to Game young black men with the hidden pearls on how to escape the satraps of society where the Prison Industrial Complex and white priviledge aim to make us inferior in a world that is suppose to be free to all men.

[tellit]

It sounds very interesting...Do you have a publisher? When do you expect to finish it?

[ty1981]

Sorry youknowwhat...once again you are sadly mistaken. his BM does want him...she has told me so. She feels she deserves a ring and can wait me out. You see she hasn't moved on from the fairy tale she tried to create. Like I said my fiancee has paid CS from the very beginning. She has only acted a fool when he got married before...and announced his engagement to me. That information doesn't allow her to believe in her delusional fairy-tale. I could care less what you or his baby mama thinks or says. To me you are just bitter women, who need to grow up and move on. Do I have a superiority complex.....yes..not because I'm more educated, not because i make more money.....I feel superior because I use the common sense God gave me and the values my parents instilled in me to not act a G-d**n fool in the streets like BM does. I think what you said is true about coming from a single parent household...you can be successful, however, I don't believe that it was the way God intended ti to be. I believe and studies have shown that there is a direct connection in the sexual behaviors of women who did not grow up with fathers in the home....hence the continuing cycle of BM's and therfore BMD.

[daddyinpdx]

Tellit and board,

Knowledge of self should be mankinds first destination before relating to anything, anyone, or any situation.

I be the first one to tell you that getting involved with another soul is not an experiment. I'm in my second marriage with two BM's.

All because of my "ignorance" yes ignorance . I didn't know who I was put on this planet to be and do for the greater good of the planet.

I now live my life "on purpose" before I was living for the woman or atleast to have pleasure with women.

The woman who messes with a man with out a life plan or purpose is like getting into a parked car with no engine.

It looks impressive, smells good, but is not going anywhere.

A man with no vision is like a parked car.

Now what happens when a man with no identiy, no purpose, and hustle hooks up with a woman who has no identity, no self esteem, and a job? Major Havoc.

In the beggining the conversation between the two souls are euphoric. The deep pain of one soul calls into the deep wounds of another. Like attracts like and the games begin.

Ladies you all ask why do men act like this or that?

Its because men are performance driven creatures. This is why God Himself looked upon earth on the 6th day and said "this is good" then He took a day off work to replinish His rest called the Sabath.

Without the proper patience and wisdom of self, men allow compliments which are the offspring of performance to taint their minds.

Compliments from other woman heighthens the stakes of the chase for men and opens the doors to the many issues that he will soon face.

Being without a father is like being asked to be President of a major corporation without on the job training.

We lack the ability to be chilvalrous, visionaries, and fixtures in the family. We become cracked cups with an inability to carry any weight. This is a repeat of slavery and the Black Male and Female relationship.

The Black Male becomes and indentured servant (Prison System) and the Woman is left to fend for the remaining children. In the midst of time there become a even greater digital divide between a man and his woman because of education and value shifts in society that leave us men behind.

We began to talk two with two different tongues as we lack identity, transparency, and companionship.

A woman can't marry into a legacy until her man knows who he is.

[daddyinpdx]

Tellit,

I'm aiming in the secord quarter of 2009. After OBAMA takes office to release my book. I'm going to self publish the book. 1/2 of the proceeds will go toward educating Young Men.