What do we call an Accomplished Baby Momma?

[gemmani]

My cousin is an accomplished BM, but at the same time I feel she's taking it too far.
She runs a vetinary clinic, has a 9year old son. The father was a family friend, but disappeared when she got pregnant. He comes around every 6 months or so, a bona fide deadbeat. She has her son in a catholic school, paying tuition by herself. Family helps out with watching my little cousin after school. Extra cirricular activites also.

She never took her BD for child support. She felt that she didn't need to do that to him, and he should be able to have the OPTION (crazy crazy crazy) of helping her or not.

Now, with this economy, not to mention back to school costs, she's having a really hard time right now. Can't pay her bills, can't use her car b/c she has no money for gas.

Now, I'm proud of her for handling her business, and not causing any stupid drama.

But at what cost? Her desire to not be a "crazy baby momma" is really hitting her hard, and her BD should be right there helping her. I don't get it.

[tellit]

It's not crazy to expect the other parent to help support his/her child. Tell your cousin that it is not too late to take BD for child support. She doesn't have to be nasty about it but she DOES have to make certain her child is provided for...Not just by her but by BD as well.

Child Support doesn't equal baby mama drama. Anyone who believes CS does is foolish. It only become BMD when BM uses it as a weapon to hurt BD or believes that it is "okay" for her to live off CS. CS is to help support the child. Gemmani, your cuz needs to realize that.

[gemmani]

I know. I think it's absolutely stupid. And she uses MY situation as a reason not to go after CS. I hate that. My situation is different, BM just keeps going after more and more in hopes of draining his pockets so much that he has to go back to her.
In her situation, okay fine, he didn't really want the baby but then why wasn't he thinking about that when jacking off inside her?
In not wanting to cause drama for her BD, she causes chaos in her life. The balance is completely off.

And Tellit, I've told her this, but she's stuck on stupid. I hope she wakes up soon.

[bmdramaof2]

Not only am I a wife to a baby daddy of two but I'm also a BM. I have a daughter of my own but another man before I met my husband. My what I call sperm donor took everything from me when I was pregnant I was on bedrest when I was 6mo's had no month old. I left him in my 7th month he beat me up, I had to do a voluntary eviction from my apt and a voluntary repo on my car because I couldn't afford it. I asked nothing from him except to leave myself and my daughter alone. that was 8 years ago and I raised my daughter on my own bought myself my own car, an apt and had a great job. Yea I struggled but I did it without anyone's help and without goverment help. The best thing my daughter wasn't raised around arguing, hatard. I met my DH and we now do it together everyday my daughter wakes with a smile and goes to bed laughing and telling me how much she loves me. I can say I did it by myself no child suport ever!!!! Still to this day I give to my kids I now have 3 kids of my own (my daughter mine two with my DH) I work fulltime and strive to have a better career so that my daughter and 2 other kids never wants for nothing. I wouldn't change anything for a stupid lil monthly check because no matter what my daughter and kids know mommy can do it all alone.

[jaylady999]

I commend you for doing it all alone, it makes you a stronger woman. However CS is not for you, its for the benefit of your child. Your child deserves it. Even if you never even use it or need it, put it in a bank account and let it collect intrest. Its not fair to your daughter that her father isnt financially participating in her life, even if he is not emotionally there. Its one thing if you dont know where BD is or where he works or anything, but if you have a way and knows where your BD is and not obtaining that for your daughter, its unfair to her. But thats just my .02.

[jaylady999]

I dont think he should be obsolved from paying his child support though. He owes his child AT THE VERY LEAST that much. Just my opinion though. Cuz as you said tellitlikeitis, i am not in her shoes and i can very well see her not wanting anything at all to do with him.

[bmdramaof2]

I never said the child support was for me I said I didn't without it. Asking for child support is like opening pandoria's box it MAY ease some tension in one area but open up a whole lot of problems in other area's. That says I'm allowing my daughter be placed in harms way for a monthly check. No No because knowing the system him paying gives him more an advantage to be in her life which would cause her more harm then good so he can keep his money spend it on the child he already has with how many other women and I go about doin mines. Her sperm donor would love to be involved to spite me and cause it harder for me and I had a deadbeat father who promised me everthything and got nothing not even a birthday. So I would never want anyone to come and her my daughter and only one I can really point my finger at is myself because I allowed him into our world. I said this before the women have the deciding factor in having a baby yea two people layed in bed together but the women is the only one that has the final say. A man can't have an abortion or whatever. But I choose for my daughter to be in this world like everyother BM did with or the without the consent of the BD and child support is not a meal ticket it is to help the baby but when you know you can't count of a man to provide for your baby why put yourself and your baby in that situation. On a different note my daughter actually has more in a savings account then I do.

[bmdramaof2]

And also my DH has taken on the role as her father and my husband and I are successful and give our kids everything that includes my darling stepkids. They don't live with us but we pay a HELL of ALOT of money that the women live off of use (which sucks)because I dont' want my stepkids this is ok to live like this. But we provide for them beyond there means. So I don't agree with you jaylady but like tellitlike said every situation is different and I know I choosen the best for my daughter.

[jaylady999]

Well thats great

**side note** i wasnt trying to attack you, just made a comment to what you posted on a message board.

[retrostar]

The "Accomplished" BM doesn't even deserve the title Baby Mama... I reserve that for those who deserve the negative connotation surrounding it.

[bmdramaof2]

Jaylady999 I didn't think you were attacking me at all. If I came across a lil B*! my apologizes.

[jaylady999]

((snickers)) its ok. i have tough skin around here. LOL

[youknowwhatitis]

Bm drama of 2 your story inspires me because I know too one all the pieces will fall together for me. Not filing for cs is your case was best because if he was violent when you were 7 months he'll definitely be violent about his money. What's most important is you and your daughters safety and I'm glad you were smart enough to know that. Some people would've went after the check.

[memyslfni]

You know what I think the story is behind the bm's that dont persue CS is that they'd rather not have anything to do with the bd that he (bd) actually ends up paying himself to stay out of her/their lives....There are such deadbeats..ya know

[gemmani]

That's probably true Memyslfni.
At the same time, it's not really for BM to say whether BD can be in the child's life or not. Unless its about violence, abuse, drug use, or rape, you get no choice as to whether BD is in the child's life. If BD chooses to stay away, fine. But in the best interests of the child, BD should be there and be able to fully enforce his rights. Yes, BM carried the child for 9 months, but they wouldn't be pregnant if not for BD.
Too many times, BMs are too busy thinking about their personal vendetta than thinking about the kid. And then people wonder why the world is so messed up.