How can Husbands make their wives feel secure

[daddyinpdx]

Group my last question of the day. I wanted to know how can Husbands make their wives feel secure in the midst of BM drama.

Oftentimes the wives stand in the corner only to observe the maliciousness. Wives sort of allow the DH to take the lead in the dilemas.

Wives can also descern the potential dangers of what a woman can do to shake up the household. Wives worry about

Check garnishments

Child Support Increases

Filling Joint Tax Returns

Potential Flings between BD/BM drama

Disgruntled children

Possible ambush by BM

Annonymous calls to police

Restraining Orders

and many other malicious attempts to destroy the marriage and relationship.

What can we as men do to assure our women that we have their backs as well as their fronts?

[daddyinpdx]

good responses

[memyslfni]

Ditto to everything telliit mentioned although I am not a wife nor fiance. These are definite issues that need to be discussed before a relationship of this sort can move on to the next level..AS OTHERS HAVE MENTIONED [glow=red,2,300]"PROCEED WITH PRECAUTION!"[/glow] I've gotten some great pointers from this board ;D There must be solid ground before a woman should want to become a wife of a man with these types of issues...To become wife first....and then set boundaries.... is like flipping a coin..You're setting ur own self up for misery.. Kinda like when bm thought having a child was going to get that ring on her finger....Set her own self up for that one... Sooo Sad

thanks daddypdx
great thread!

[memyslfni]

Let me reiterate my last post...I feel the vast majority of boundaries should be set before taking it to that next level and thereon after, its on cruise control. Cuz these bm's come with a garbage bag full of tricks...and you never know what they will pull next.. O.k thats better

[daddyinpdx]

Memyslfni- Can you list in detail the boundaries that should be set? A lot of people don;t even know what a boundary is, not less the knowledge of how to set one.

[memyslfni]

Thanks for the 411 tellit, I will def take some (if not all) into consideration in my own relationship. As I am still in the midst of setting some of those boundaries. And for those who dont understand the significance of setting these boundaries prior to saying I do. The BF/SO needs to understand that U (the woman) will stick around for the non-sense but there are ground rules that need to be set in stone....Why? Because when a man has issues such as bmd, it makes it hard for his gf/so to make that decision of should I stay? or should I go? It is he (the man) who needs to decide whether he wants to keep her, but under certain circumstances because it is not her mess to suffer from, yet his own...And we (the wifey/gf/so) refuse to subject ourselves to the unnecessary drama, let alone allow it to destroy a relationship we (bf/gf) are trying to build... Most cases they (the men) are unaware of how to alleviate/minimize the problem...Therefore we (wifey/gf/so) as women know exactly how to deal with a woman's manipulative ways...without controlling the man involved..but simply suggesting ideas to counter bm's efforts to divide and conquer...

[youknowwhatitis]

Tellit, while most of your list is excellent there are a few there that as a BM I believe will cause problems.

First of all:

-To attempt to set limits on when and what times and what BM can call for will only incite most BM's to do the opposite of that just to irritate you

-Rather as a BM I say ask BD not answer calls from BM that are ridiculousy late, and if the conversation moves off course.......arguing unnecessarily......sometimes they will argue because they may not agree, or sexual then he can simply end the conversation......but not rudely of course.

-Also accept the fact that you are his wife..........he made a commitment to YOU........that doesn't mean you're better than her......just better suited for HIM. He should NOT have to control his BM.....it's not his job to control his BM she is grown just like him. It's his job to control himself and his reaction to BM. Also he should not have to control BM to make you feel secure.....YOU SHOULD BE SECURE.....OR ELSE WHY ARE YOU IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

- If BM is not allowed to control you and DH household.....or makes decisions concerning it even if the kids are there......then you can't make any decisions concerning her and her household even if DH comes and get's the kids from there. No I don't want you at her house.....why can't she drop the kids off somewhere else.....or start picking the kids up from her mom's etc. Either you TRUST Dh or you don't. After being together 12 years........you should trust him by now. And don't give me that I don't trust her bull............because she can't do anything with him....HE DOESN'T ALLOW HER TO DO.

-Finances it's best to let cs handle it. Cut out the middle man. While Bm will ask for increases.....when kids get bigger things cost more and she deserves it as she is doing most of the parenting. Don't be upset when she gets it.

-Being fair is the best way to handle the situation....don't not want BM to not run your affairs with DH...............but then want to run BM's affairs with DH..........it's just plain ridiculous and a sign of insecurity.

[memyslfni]

YOUknow, u lost me with that one...

But while Im here let me ask U...Would you not expect the man in ur next serious relationship not to inquire ur opinion and vice versa when it comes to the decisions that need to be made concerning your future as a family? You see, its called communication and u may not care if ur man/fiance went out and bought a 2.5 million dollar house without getting ur .02 about it because Your Soooo Secure about urself which it has nada a dam* to do with it....some ppl do things together, yes together because they value their SO's opinion (Its an OUR thing) I dont expect u to understand... And then u have those such as urself who keep their sh*t separate...and dont care about anyone but themselves...You'd have to had been in a serious relationship to get it...

[youknowwhatitis]

Maybe you didn't read it correctly because I made some excellent points. I never said don't concur with your SO. I mean don't give any finances unless through CS and if you give anything extra give it directly to the kids (if they are 13 or older) or buy whatever it is yourself.

You can't run BM's and DH's interactions about their kids anymore than she can run you and DH's interactions about your relationship and/or the kids.

It's a no brainer.

[ty1981]

Rules and boundaries are great for any relationship. How can you know what I like, don't like, will accept, won't accept. In the case of BMD it helps, he never has to second guess where I stand on certain situations because boundaries are already there.

[memyslfni]

Youknow, I will remind u that the types of bm's we refer to on this board are those that continue to play silly games rather than commit to the co-parenting of it all...You see its all about themselves..not the children. YOU may not want ur bd in that way, shape or form as ya'll are simply connected by one child. Most times it is those that have 2,3,and 4 kids by bd that have a hard time letting go of how it should'a/could'a been. So therefore bm's requests clash when it comes to the plans of those in BD and SO's household/relationship. YOUknow, ur not the only bm on this board. Ur just one of the ones that allow the friction between u and bd to upset u. Shi* my bd was miserable when we were together and he still gives me a bar of the shi* he goes through, but I dont allow that to interfere between him and his son. We just werent compatible and thats that. Life goes on for some bm's and the ones that dont make a hobbie of making bd's life miserable (particularly when there is a new woman involved). Do you not see the threat the new gf poses on the bm? I mean if he was allowed to father his kids when the new gf wasnt around, Y stop when she's in the picture? To Co-parent, their must be trust between the parents and I trust my bd to keep our child out of harms way to the best of his ability. Other than that he is a stranger...And whether he chooses to bounce from woman to woman is not for me to worry about, thats his life. As I have my own... ;D

[memyslfni]

Oops I have a typo...it was suppose to be..

Life goes on for some bm's and then u have those that make bd's life miserable as a hobby.

[youknowwhatitis]

Memyself...............I choose to let bd's behavior upset me. I think not..........I'm intuitive enough to know that bd and bd's family's behavior is all about hindering me. They lack character plain and simple. Character is a choice.........he should do the right thing because it's the right thing by his son. So forgive me for being concerned that these loon people are actively trying to hinder me....in anyway shape or form possibe. By stooping so low as to use their own grandson/son........forgive me for considering that appalling. BD is simply upset because he has to pay.........and that he can't sleep with me anymore. Also because he has injury's from his accident. His life circumstances aren't as good as mine. But that's because his family set him up for failure by not modeling and teaching good character. You cannot rise above your character. People like them make me SICK...........I understand it...........they don't like me so they don't want to see me doing good and enjoying life. Also he is not doing good so they don't want to see me doing good. They work overtime to cause me emotional distress..............most people take it personally when people attack them. I have learned just because you're not an enemy to someone..........doesn't mean they are not an enemy to you. They are my enemy's........so while I cannot change their behavior..........I can make sure that I continue to increase and use their sour venom to help make me a better person. I would never want to be like them.......but BD sure does wish he had it like me. It's jealousy, anger and bitterness rolled up into one big ball. Also they can't stand the fact that I won't allow them to see my son............them not seeing him etc is just a counteract because they want me to think they don't care.........if they really didn't care they wouldn't work so hard to create drama unnecessarily. Some people want to get everything for themselves at the expense of another..........those people such as BD usually end up with nothing. But I will keep talking and posting about the issue as much as I feel I need to until I get it all out..........and then I will be fine. My life isn't over...........in all actuality it's just beginning.

The prob is BD doesn't realize HE caused his own demise by choosing his character. By choosing to attempt preserve self by short changing his son. By maliciously mistreating his BM and allowing his family to do the same. He's made his bed and is sick because he has to lie in it........ALONE.

Psychologically.................I understand it..........he can't be friend with me......or enjoy his son too much jealousy and bitterness in his heart. Because of his character. He is jealous because he missed out on a lot of our son's life........and my bond with our son is much deeper than his. My life is continuing to prosper and his is..........I hope prospering...........but it can't compare to mine. His piss poor character is preventing him from correcting his mistake.........I'll bet he'll never grow balls big enough to fix it for our son's sake. I hope I'm wrong but I think I'm right.

[jusdntundstn]

Their premature way of thinking obviously hasnt hendered you from doing what u will...But it has affected the way you feel towards them...All I'm saying is dont allow that anger to come between you and your son. If his father wants to see him, then allow it. Of course it would have to be in ur presence because he's going to have to gain ur trust to go beyond that...And its up to you to communicate that to bd. There are times when you have to leave the past in the past and move forward...To dwell on it doesnt conquer anything......Today I met my sons dad at the spot where we normally meet up at (he keeps our son for a couple hours/days every now and then) and he was a lil flirtatious but I dont let that bother me. He knows he will never get me back and thats just something he's going to have to grow out of....When I meet up with him sometimes I intentionally try not to look cute (LOL)...in hopes that it will make it easier for him to put it in the past.....I consider making it possible for my son to spend time with his father, one of the things I got to do as a mother...and if it were the other way around I would want his father to do the same.

[youknowwhatitis]

Tellit you could be absolutely right...........you all do have 2 children together......and I didn't consider that.