I love my BD, but.....

[jaylady999]

So, BD has been in my life now for 14 years(ironically, the anniversary of the day we met is the same as my wedding anniversary~i swear that wasnt done on purpose. LOL) Anyway, he's an excellent father. He pays his CS on time each month, voluntarily I might add. Honestly, since the weeks and months pass by so fast, sometimes I forget its CS time of the month only to be reminded by the check I get in the mail. Not only that, but he also gives me a cut on his bonus check at the end of the year and has been doing that for as long as I can remember. On top of the CS, because of him, I've not ever bought my son one pair of gym shoes, nor have I had to do school clothes shopping for him and before I got into my current relationship, he would always buy all our son's christmas gifts and tag them (from mom and dad), so I never had to do Christmas shopping. In addition to the financial support he has covered, he also spends the quality time our son as well. We have an "every other weekend" type of arrangement, but as long as he is not working that weekend or having other plans, he voluntarily comes to pick him up outside of the pre scheduled time and does a lot of cultural things with him (museums, lakefront walks, he takes him on out of town trips, etc etc). Our son is in 5th grade now and every year since he was in kindergarten, my sons father comes out here(he lives about 35 miles away) to go with him on the first day of school to meet his teacher and see him off to school. Although my son says this is the last year for that one cuz he is now to old, I love that he did that. He is his only child (as well as my only biological son), and since he grew up without ever knowing his biological father, I can only assume this is why he it is so important to be in his sons life, which is definitely no problem by me.

I explained all that to give backgound on my BD before I got into the one thing about him that I absolutely LOATHE . He is not as guarded with who he allows in ours sons life as I was(before I met my DH). MY DH is my first serious relationship since me and BD broke up in 1998. My sons father on the other hand, different story. He has for starters one female who has been in my sons life since he was about 2 y/o, but she is what I call the "fall back" girl. He has never just been only with her. BD says she is not his type as far as settling down with, but yet she's been in his life longer that my DH has been in mine, but that aint my bidness. LOL She is a cool female, and I've grown to really care about her as a person. She loves my son and he loves her just the same. However, aside from her, I've seen women come and go out of my BD's life, at the rate of an average of 3 chicks a year. One of them he met in May 2005 and by May 2006, the two of them had married and divorced. Um...WOW. (I think that had a lot to do with the sudden passing of his mother though). Anyway, he can date, sleep with, or do whatever with whoever he wants. My only concern was that he doesnt shield his dating life from our son. So there were times when my son would go with his father for the weekend and be exposed to two different females in one weekend(one being the chick thats been around forever, and then some random chick), then the next time, same chick thats been around and some other different random chick.

I couldnt figure out if it was really my place to bring my disdain of this to my BD's attention. Its like on the one hand, while he is in his father's care, its not my place to decide who he can and cannot bring my son around as long as son is not in harms way. But on the other hand, what type of example is he really setting for our son to be so laxed in the company he keeps around our son? DH has been telling me for years that its not my business and to fall back and stay out of it, which I have. I just try to show my son a monogamous relationship on my end(with his stepfather) and just pray about the rest of it.

Just wanted to share my story and wanted to get some of the ladies thoughts on this, and men too, if any will read this

[ty1981]

just know that you are setting a wonderful example of what a great, lasting, secure, relationship is. You can't protect him from everything but if you raise him right he will see what is right. You can't stop BD from living his life...but you can show your son by example that there is an alternative choice to his dad's lifestyle.

[jaylady999]

I was playin with the same thoughts. Actually thats what our pastor said during our premarital counseling, cuz I sure did bring it up to him.

I think I am just used to it now and am not even sure if he still does this. When my sons comes back from visiting with him, he never mentions it anymore like he use to. So either his father has slacked off, or my son is so used to it that its no big deal. Again, I surely dont ask . I think it was more of an issue for me in his formative years(like when our son was ages 4-8 or so). Now he is 11 and a big boy and like you said, with showing by my example of monogamy, its all I can do. The rest is truly left in prayer

[MEMYSLFNI]

What can I say Ty took the words right out of my mouth . Mrs. Jay, U can only do U and from what I read ur doing a GRR8 JOB of that.. ;D Dont sweat the small stuff...

[jaylady999]

Yeah, deep down I think I realize that comparing the good with the bad with BD, that is definitely sweating the small stuff. Thanks for helping me think of it that way . I mean I still wouldnt trade him for the world. He is one of my best friends, but he and DH are even cooler than me and him. I love that he is always so supportive of my life's accomplishments and was there front row and center at my wedding(with one of his side chicks, but he was there none the less. LOL)

[bmdramaof2]

I agree! Don't sweat it you are the best example he can ever have and yea you BD maybe having jump off's but at least it shows your son don't settle for less and he's looking for what you and your husband have. It sounds like everything is going great and I agree with your DH don't rock the boat if it's not a storm coming. Your son is not a young boy and he knows right from wrong and trust me when he is older he'll be doing the samething because he's not going to settle for anything less then a dime like his momma. Now if it was a girl then I would different. Which I deal with at times with my BM my SD's tell me they don't like it but I make sure they see they way my DH and I are and tell them there momma's just haven't found the best man for them. Thy say they never will because you already married him. (in a sweet way).

So let him be and be thankful for everything else he does.

[jaylady999]

Thanks so much for your input. I think deep down I know yall are right, but it used to bug me so much. But oh well. I am happy with my DH, and actually happy with BD, cuz he is a good father overall. So I'll just shut up and count my blessings

[youknowhatitis]

Sounds like BD is trying to find himself. As long as he's doing his fatherly duties I wouldn't bring it up. Just pray for him.

[jaylady999]

I know thats right. and I've always prayed for him. The man is about to be 40 years old next month, and when it comes to his relationships and women, he definitely needs to grow up. Right now he has one girlfriend who he has been dating for about a year, plus of course the one I call "old faithful" who has been around for 8 or more years. So its the two of them now. The current girlfriend isnt crazy about me, well not me per se, but not crazy about the fact that me and BD actually get along. I guess she would be more comfortable if we were at each others throats...go figure. Anyway, thats her problem, not mine. Little does she know, according to his track record, her time is ticking...The longest he's ever been with a chick is about a year and a half. tick tock tick tock tick tock. LOL

[memyslfni]

Wow that was a weekend of silence.....whew..

Wassup with these pet names I've been hearing..ie...Hood Booger...Ole Faithful...Banana Cream Pie....LOL..Too Funny...LOL ;D

[jaylady999]

yeah they are pretty hilarious arent they? ;D

but i am sure it beats the alternatives of what we REALLY want to call them. LOL

[doinwatigottado]

Jay,

It sounds like you and BD have a respectfully unique relationship, AND it would be nice if women (in general) could manage to get along the way that your husband and ex relate. Is it just not doable? I often wonder about this considering I tried and failed.

About the topic: I think that you have more reasons to love BD than loathe him. : )) He has gone above and beyond in terms of responsibility for your son and I think that, that is the most important thing in what to expect from him. I think you and your son are really fortunate. About the current girlfriend, it seems you know know how to handle that. : ))

[jaylady999]

It sounds like you and BD have a respectfully unique relationship, AND it would be nice if women (in general) could manage to get along the way that your husband and ex relate. Is it just not doable? I often wonder about this considering I tried and failed.

one thing i've learned about these types of blended family relationships is that the ONLY way it works is if all parties involved are interested in an amicable relationship. meaning, on my end, DH, BD, and I are all interested in the best interest of the child, nothing else matters and we all get along. on DH's end, he and I are on board with the "children before nonsense", but his BM is not, therefore situation not amicable. We wont force her, we have just created a family together with his two and my son that doesnt involve her in any way whatsoever. its sad, but its true and i used to feel bad about. i began to feel more liberated when i realized that there is absolutely nothing i can do about her and her ways. i have truly learned not to let her rent space in my head or life

About the topic: I think that you have more reasons to love BD than loathe him. : )) He has gone above and beyond in terms of responsibility for your son and I think that, that is the most important thing in what to expect from him. I think you and your son are really fortunate. About the current girlfriend, it seems you know know how to handle that. : ))

I will be honest with you regarding his female associations, I treat them the same way I treat BM. If they are cool, so am I. But you would be surprised at how many women out there actually feel better when husband/boyfriend and his BM are at each other's throat. His ex wife really had issue with the friendship that BD and I have. And I have never been one to flaunt myself or throw myself into BD's life, afterall I have a life of my own. But when his mother passed away(my sons grandmother), she had issue that I was there front row and center. Mind you she had only met him about 3 months before his mother passed and I had been around for 10 good years at that point. She gave him serious grief about the whole thing and I didnt find all this out til later, but I didnt go to the repass just becuz I knew he was really feelin her and I knew the repass was not something I HAD to attend. So here I am trying to show her respect and here she is upset that I was "invloved" with celebrating the life of my only childs grandmother. go figure. Anyway, with as many chicks as I've seen over the past 11 years, if the wanna be cool, great! If not, I could care less just I feel with my BM, she can kick rocks if she wants to act silly.

I will say that I am partial to my BD current girlfriend mainly because she has been around soooo long. She is just genuinely a cool person and she loves my son in a natural way and that is my biggest concern with anyone that he dates. he is also dating another girl at this point who he has been seeing for about a year now. she has a very stank attitude when it comes to me. but again, her problem. my BD is the LAST thing on my mind in any way other than the fact that he is the father of our son. i mean i wish him well and a lot of success in life, but it stops there, so i dont get where these attitudes come from except for the fact that these ladies are intimidated by watching two people co parent who actually get along very well

[doinwatigottado]

You know, for the most part my husband gets along with BM too. I thought we were all doing well, until she started doing things that really started to bother me. Like showing up at my husbands job, or occasionally calling to argue with my husband over really petty stuff, or talking about me to my husband, and asking for inappropriate favors. I mean I even let this woman sit for my 2 young girls. I trusted that she would treat them well and she did. They had a really good time with her. I dunno. I am baffled at how things went south so fast. I also don't want to feel that it's because of me. And it all stems from my not feeling comfortable with my husband looking at homes with her. I am still civil towards her, however you can feel the coldness between us now. Oh well, what you said resonates. She shouldn't rent space and I will start working on that. I suppose I felt as though all this work was for nothing? I am grateful for one thing though and it is that we at least can be civil around eachother. I just won't expect much more than that.

[jaylady999]

I am grateful for one thing though and it is that we at least can be civil around eachother. I just won't expect much more than that

Girl the fact that you have even that much, BE GRATEFUL. . At the very bare minimal, thats what a lot of females want, is just to be civil. I dont know what it is about women where we cannot just get along. There already is this competative nature amongst women as it is, but then you go and add a man and some babies into the mix, its all out war sometimes. But the good thing is, it is impossible for two women to go back and forth with each other unless both women consent to that behavior. A woman who wants to cause drama cant do so alone. Its like playing ping pong with the wall, she has no one to hit the ball back. Consider me the wall, she used to hit the ball to me with her drama and it fell straight to the floor ;D