Sole Legal Custody vs Joint Legal Custody

[jaylady999]

i am not in that situation on either end(as a BM and the wife of a BD), but if that were an issue and if my DH BM caused a lot of drama, i would definitely encourage him to go for joint custody. i just cannot see him as a non custodial parent paying his child support on time and every month bit not having readily access to any type of records that involved his children. that goes back to the court system being way to biased to the single mother to a fault. i am so thankful that my DH covers nearly 100% of his childrens expenses all the way down to their underwear d**n near.

i think the CS system is very flawed and very unfair to the father in MOST cases. i do realize that there are fathers out there who completely do not do what they are supposed to do as fathers, but it makes those good fathers have to pick up the slack in the court room unfortunately and they dont get their just due rights to their children even though they are paying their child support. these silly ass BM's still get to do what they want to do and get away with it. its so frickin sad.

[jaylady999]

Don't these women realize that the man would do more for the child if he is allowed to be an active participant in the child's life??? We decided to stop trying to do anything extra when BM moved to a new address last year, didn't tell DH, and then refused to provide new address...
Nope, it became clear that DH was not an important part of his child's life. After a while one develops the attitude of "Why bother?"

And this is exactly it in a nutshell and these triflin BM's are too stupid to realize this. I absolutely anything, well not me, but our son does, from his father just by allowing him to be a father. its that simple. in your case, i see where your issues lie, and distance is the main barrier. I dont know why, but today i am just mad at BM's and the drama they bring to these babies lives. nevermind the men they are trying to hurt, its like they dont think about their own friggin children!

[bmdramaof2]

How long has it been since you seen your SD? If longer then 6mo's to a year then you can take her to court.
My suggestions
1) I recommend documenting everything. She asking for more money and to draw up another agreement out of the courts.

2) The fact that your SD is 15 cs should start being reduce because the cost of living is changing.

3) Don't talk to BM only SD see if she has a myspace or facebook account if not ask her to create one and have talk communicate with her through that.

4) With the giftcards and presents situations just ask SD don't ask BM nothing. Giftcards are very funny and when my SD ask for them I only get them to Toys R Us so I know that BM can't buy anything for herself. I understand you can't exactly do that because of her age and what she likes but also look into online shopping. I do that all the time I rather buy them something then send extra money or gift cards because I know exactly what my SK's want. What I do is I made a Target, Walmart and Amazon account they know the login and password and they can make wish list and save everything they want on that wish list and I tell them don't go over a certain amount of money. By doing this they can can pick whatever they want and I can pay for it and it will be shipped directly to them.

5) Phone situation I been there to mine was not over spite it was over lazy and stupidity of not paying there bills and getting there phone cut off. So my DH said I want to get the girls cellphones I told him no I don't think that's smart. We argued and he said I don't get to speak with them I said well you won't be able to speak with them within a month or two when getting a cellphone because there momma's will run up the phone bill using it themselves and we will have to pay for that and shut if off. What I did was buy them kids cellphone Firefly and Dragon. These are like prepaid phones that you can setup with restriction who can call in and who you can call out. DH put all of our numbers on it and also there mom's house number on it. He said just in case they are here or somewhere and need to get a hold of them. So I said whatever monitor it. And I was right one day my DH called it BM boyfriend answered and said oh I have your daughters phone BM said I can take it so that she can reach me. So told he told the boyfriend please return my daughters phone back to her today or tomorrow and then mom's home number off. But now we can always talk to them and she can call us anytime.

Remember one thing you ONLY HAVE 3 MORE YEARs in solitary confinement.

Hang in there and keep being a SM it will pay off and she will have so much respect for you.

[ty1981]

Banana cream pie plays those kinds of games. It gets hard, but when he is like forget it...I tell him no, those are your children and she wants you to say that so she can tell the kids" see I told you your dad was no good'. Just stay diligent, your kids and SK will see what the deal is. Banana cream pie tried to pull the military card too...even though he had an allotment coming out of his pay for CS. In the end it just made him look stupid.

[youknowwhatitis]

Again, in my opinion it will change nothing and most judges only award it in divorce situations. Check your states's law because in MO even with joint legal custody.......their is still a custodial and non custodial parent. The non custodial still has to pay support to the custodial. So it doesn't really change much....just a bunch of money paid out to prove a point and in the end the child still loses because the two people still don't get along and are always at odds. A lot of states are changing the way they handle unwed births..........in most states now the mother has all the rights and the father who has not wed the mother is entitled to pay support and visitation only. The system is tired of taking care of these kids this people refuse to support. The judge's are tired of BM/BD drama. All the people fighting to prove a point to the other or over money..........not really about the best interest of the child. It is easiert to cut one of the parents out. Usually it is the father's who abandon the children and refuse to pay support.......statistics overwhelmingly support that fact. So no things are not going to even up for the father's. They either marry them and be with them.......or pay support and get visitation. Those are the options. Most states will not give custody to a father unless mom is unfit.......drug addict, no job, no place to live etc.

[youknowwhatitis]

And tellit............it sound's like you're making excuse for these men. If there is good enough reason for the men to walk away............then there is good enough reason for the woman to take the child away. You are advocating for men walking away in certain instances..........but condemning women for taking the child away in certain instances.

Truth is if SD hasn't seen her dad in 6 years.........she probably doesn't miss him. Kids get used to their NCP not being around. Which is probably hard for you to see being that your kids have their father around but........after a while.......you stop caring.

[youknowwhatitis]

The question is why does there have to be so much nonsense? People need to grow up and stop being so d**n selfish.

[youknowwhatitis]

Also if a woman let's the man see the child but has to put up with unnecessary questions and accusations from his family, wife, girlfriend etc. There is NO MOTIVATION for the mother to continue to subject herself or her child to that type of NONSENSE. So it is very well a two way street.

If people would mind their own BUSINESS a lot of this BM/BD drama would die down.

[youknowwhatitis]

Tellit, being that you have 2 children with someone you are still with I just don't think you GET IT. It's a totally different situation when you are no longer with (physically, emotionally,) the father of your child. It's just like being with an old ex......except you have a child together. I don't think you can ever truly understand your BM and I do think you've been judging her without truly understanding her situation. Not saying your BM's actions are right because they are not but she is obviously scorned and she's taken her stance to make sure you and DH pay for it. I believe and you can take it how you want just telling the truth you are partly responsible for her leaving with the child. It's bad enough to have a child with someone you are not with, but it's even worse when you have some woman who doesn't mean jack sh*t to you........two stepping and putting her two cents in you and BD's affairs all the time...........it complicates things physically and emotionally and a lot of the time it's about things financially........which also comes with it's own set of complications. Then to top it off........people take sides and give all their extra opinons etc and it just makes for a BIG mess. Your situation tellit..........reminds me of what I did not want to happen in me and BD's situation. So I'm thanking my lucky stars that I am the only person that has a say so in MY childs life and what effects him.

I actually feel sorry for your BM and your DH. Because they are the one's losing in this situation and the child they created together. SD probably doesn't care but BM is obviously emotionally pained regarding the situation and secretly so is DH. But you know what they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Now BM is totally ridiculous but I don't think she can handle the fact the situation is so complicated....I just don't think she has it in her to deal with it so she moved away. I don't blame her I wouldn't want a 3rd party in my BM/BD situation either. I know how that goes.......ie BD family. And it always is a DISASTER....people let their fragile ego's get in the way of good ole plain Common sense.

[youknowwhatitis]

I think she was just running game.......but that's another story. BM's don't reach out to wife's that much but whatever. ;D

[youknowwhatitis]

Real talk.......a lot of BM's prefer it to be just them their kids and their checks. Every BM doesn't want the father involved. For me I sure don't but I am willing to try just to see if it makes a difference to my son. But if he (son) doesn't care.........I sure as hell don't either. I don't think he will.........and I'm usually right concerning him. And not all the time is it about spiting the man but sometimes people just don't wanna deal with all the excess baggage that comes along with it.

Same reason why some people without kids don't want to date or marry people with a kid or kids because they don't want to deal with all the excess baggage.

[youknowwhatitis]

Maybe she's not.......or maybe she's one of those people who aren't happy unless their making someone else miserable. . You'd have to ask her about that one.

[youknowwhatitis]

Have your DH ask her........I'm sure she'd like to deal with him..

[memyslfni]

You see Keia, the thing with that is Maybe Tellits DH would rather not deal with BM just the way ur BD doesnt want to deal with You (obviously). Its a known fact that some Lonely Desperate bm's dont know how to control theyre mouths....just cuz they want to be entertained....(If U want entertainment, go see a movie, call tyrone, jack or jill)...I mean WHO wants to deal with people like that? I'm sorry but I wouldn't have the time or breath to waste on anybodies negativity....especially if they dont reside in my household...And YOuknow I can see why THIS bm wants to act like I dont exist...BECAUSE my fiance does nothing but glorifies me to her a$$ and she is scared to face someone better, stronger and smarter than her...And one thing she doesnt realize is I can do what she does, but I can d**n sure do it BETTER...So she can ignore me all she wants... I have the man she's trying to get through to...

[youknowwhatitis]

There have been several comments about my BD not wanting to deal with me.........first all the truth is my BD never dealt with me........I deal with him.....I am the champion show runna where things are concerned regarding my child. His mama and sister don't want him dealing with me because they know that this DEVIL wears PRADA and looks d**n good in it. I'm a beast and they know.........they have tried it all and FAILED. But hell I'm human so I to vent about my issues just like the next woman. BD is just mad because he can't F*ck me no more.......he want's me...........I could call and offer him some and he'll come running but unlike your triflin sorry BM's..........I don't want his azz I want what's due my child and I got it..........still kinda hate so much drama had to go on behind it but whatever. Nobody ever said winning was EASY.

Also I've had some revelations ya'll know I'm good for those...........first off haters are always to be expected.........people will hate you because you have something they want or because you have something they don't want you have. This trial has made me stronger and taught me that opposition is a normal part of life........why didn't someone tell me that at 5.........I would've been prepared. In life their are winners and losers and if someone's losing at your expense.........you better d**n be ready for them to hate on you and as hard as they possibly can..........hence BD's folks. Had my mama shared this tidbit of info with me when I was younger I wouldn't wasted so much time trippin of stuff people do and say. In the end.......the results will speak for themselves. So ladies.....yes I've been hated on, lied, disrespected, mistreated but it has been because I am a WINNER...........and what I want..........I GET.

So if your BM want's your DH.............yeah........you going to be hated on too. But like ya'll told me............rise above the hate and be the bigger person.