Crazzziiiinnneeeessss

[gemmani]

Look, the situation is jacked up. Canice, I'd have done the same thing as you. Youknow fails to understand exactly what a marriage is. In no way, shape or form should you sit back while your DH is getting played. Only a bitter BM will suggest that what you did was wrong. They would just like us to sit back and say nothing, but that's not what a marriage is.

It sounds like you sincerely care about the child. And you know what? That child and your husband are all that matters.

Youknow, I swear it's like 1 step forward, 5 steps back with you! Is money all you care about?? Is that what you think we only care about??? Honey, money can't buy you happiness. Money can't buy you love. Until you understand that, you will alway have issues.

[amillmack]

First off, let me say this, youknow, I have already expressed my opinion as far as your mental state goes, so I don't even want to go there, but for you to put this woman down for helping HER HUSBAND get this situation straightened out while he is off defending our country so he can come home and be with ALL of his children is a testament to the mindset that BM's have when it comes to the new woman.

You're still so bitter about you and your BD's situation that you let it cloud your judgment when it comes to other people's situations. Canice is right to not want someone to be taking advantage of two good men. I know that I'm not going to stand by and watch two people get robbed with the same gun and as a Christian woman, you should want to help those in need. Who's sin is greater? The sinner or the witness to the sin? Answer that and you have your answer.

Canice, I hope your situation works out for the best and your DH is right for wanting his name on that child's birth certificate and the CS order dropped from BM's husband so that he can take care of his business the right way. No child should have to go through this and it's sad when a woman will put her needs before the child's. While the child may need money to survive, both men could have left her to the wind and told her no when she had her hand out, but they didn't. That's the mark of a good man and I don't care what youknow says about it. It's your business because you want to advocate a better life for that child and when they say it takes a village to raise a child, they mean it takes women like Canice, Gemmani, Jaylady, myself and all the good women who stand up to the craziness and demand respect for the CHILD!

[youknowwhatitis]

Well welcome to self-righteous city........next what are you gonna do save the world. I understand that marriage is a commitment to what's best for your spouse and that there is a legal connection between the two spouses. I understand that the BM has no place in your marriage..........marriage is triune God, the groom and the wife. So save your marriage spiel because I probably know more about marriage than you think. But when a marriage comes with outside children..............there are different rules that apply.

First of all since you all want to get so self righteous if things were handled appropriately concernings Canice's marriage they wouldn't be having this problem because it something they would have gotten straight before they married. Once again Canice you did not answer why it was not handled before you married?

You don't wait until you get into the marriage to tackle tough issues..........smart people handle them before. All these visitations and cs issues should be handled before marriage because it puts less strain on the marriage and it closes the door for BM to attempt to be divisive in your marriage. If it was me....and I wasn't baiting and switching.....that's how I would've handled it.

Secondly while your marriage is your first priority.........let's not pretend that the decision BM makes doesn't affect you so the decisions you and DH make affect BM...........this is where RESPECT comes into play..........don't want her to respect your marriage but then don't respect her privacy and right to make her own decisions. Canice if you truly had DH's best interest at heart you should've called BM out a long time ago...........but you decided to wait until after you were married..........hmmmmmmmm I wonder why? You knew full well before you married that the situation would affect YOU as well as DH.

Now in my opinion marriage and relationships are over-rated. While they have their benefits and are necessary in life........some people go overboard. My mom told me about a coworker of hers whose hubby was cheating got another woman pregnant and then she (the wife) went over there and shot the woman. The woman didn't die and the baby did live...........but why did she shoot the woman and not the man. She (the wife) did jail time and she and the hubby are still together...........to me that is just ridiculous. But it is a valid example of how serious relationships can get and the amount of damage they can cause.........many people take them much too serious and the possible negative consequences much too lightly. So while I am 100% sure I wil get married one day as I have been asked several times I am definitely not going to rush and you have to know what you are getting yourself into.

So..........to all those who feel as if I'm wrong........no I say that Canice is wrong in how she handled it. The BM we all know she was wrong............but does two wrongs make a right.

Same with my situation with BD no two wrongs don't make a right but I must consider very carefully the consequences of what I chose to do regarding the situation and it's impact on me and my son. Because if it stresses me out the negativity will flow down to my son. So I have to protect me as well as him. It's not just about money (although it is important) it's about peace of mind. Money can't buy love or happiness but neither can marriage or parenting or anything else. It comes from within......further more joy comes from within and if a person or situation is robbing you of your joy...........maybe God's trying to tell you to leave it alone.

I stand by my opinion.

[canice]

And agian youknow.......... you don't know. I am not gonna put ff getting married because some supid BM wants to play games with CS. This has been going on for years now. And WHAT THE HELL do I have to put my life on hold for because she wants to act stupid. I did call her out several times before we got married and several more within the first few months of our marriage. But don't get it twisted her stupidity will not keep me from loves door. Me and my husband have no strain on our mariage when it comes to this situation because we are both on the same page, I am one of those woman who looks out for mine. Hell I still look out for my BD, see like I said before I am a mother, wife and a BM. So I know how to handle mine. But you can't make a trifflin a$$ woman do the right thing this is something that she herself has to also want to do. But it is not fairto her huband, my husband, or the child. She she has another man so these 2 men to her are just wallets that she is trying to break.

So agian to answer your question why did I not call her out before I got married. I DID I STILL AM AND I WILL CONTINUE TO.

[canice]

And one more thing. Is your mind and soul truly at peace knowing that you are gunning for a man who was in a accident that left him mentally challanged. Because you do flip flop alot on that subject. Can it be that you are crying out for help because you know that you have done some things wrong that could have or should have been handled better?!?!?!

This is not a speech to you on your personality just a question. You would be surprised how much me and you are alike. I have a son with a BD with mental issues. But baby......... I don;t have your drama. I was u once. But I made peace with that evil and hate and greed.

[youknowwhatitis]

My son has some special needs too, he is a toe walker, has food allergies, goes to PT and OT.....so I deal with all that too by myself. But I'm not bitter towards anyone else about.........I just have to place my faith in God and expect a reward.

[canice]

Like I have said before. We are more alike than u think. If u could get the fact that I am a wife out of ur head u would see me for who I am. The army leaves me a mother all by myself all the time. That is why I got out to ensure my children had atleast one parent at home.

But like u I started out a single mother of a special needs child. I was told my son would never see the age of 2. Yet he is here right now at the age of 9. I was told he would never walk, talk, or be mentally capable as a normal functioning child. But here he is. walking after 2 spinal surgeries. 8 years of daily PT, OT. Speech and behavoir therapy. His father left me 3 months pregnant and turned his back on us both after he was born because of his special needs and his girlfriend at he time in his ear being trifflin and not wanting him there for his son. But now we talk on a regular basis and are friends nothing more and caring for our son. He still has issues about our sons needs but that he has to deal with. And my husband excepted him and my child. No drama with the three of us. they are father and daddy to this boy. But there was 2 years threre where if I saw my BD on the street I would have ran him over with my car. But I focused that negative energy towards him and put it into positive energy to my son.

[jaylady999]

You are right because most relationships end badly, hence the reason they ended in the first place. So for the most part, all BM's in these situations end up "hating" (for lack of a better word) the BD at the end of the relationship. What seperates the normal BM's from the ones who bring drama is they choose to live in that hatred instead of moving on with life. then they get even more upset when they realize that BD has moved on himself and she is still stuck in that same position of being a prisoner of her own anger. its truly sad

[youknowwhatitis]

When do we stop being judgemental and conclude that maybe they don't how to move on. Some things that happen to people scar them and they don't have the emotional capacity or coping mechanisms to move past it.

[gemmani]

Go on Jaylady, say it again.

It's not marriage or relationships that are the problems. It's the people in them.
Marriage is only overrated when the whole point of doing it is for the wedding, the party.
Otherwise, two people who sincerely love and respect each other, work towards common goals, and who make the effort daily to make their spouse happy- what is overrated about that???
Most relationships end. That's the nature of the beast, either they last until death, or there's a breakup. Almost 99% of relationships will fail. But that's life.

So, as a real WOMAN, Canice is standing by her man, she has his back. And that's the way it should be. Youknow, you can't convince me that if you were in her shoes that you wouldn't feel the same way. There is nothing wrong with making sure your husband isn't getting taken advantage of. What, just because BM has a child by him, that means she is allowed to run all over him? That would be a negative, my dear.

Why are you defending this triffling female? I understand your stance, power to BMs and all, but this is ridiculous.

[jaylady999]

Sept 23, 2008 15:11:11 GMT -5 youknowwhatitis said:

When do we stop being judgemental and conclude that maybe they don't how to move on. Some things that happen to people scar them and they don't have the emotional capacity or coping mechanisms to move past it.

then if she doesnt know how to cope with HER problem, she needs to seek professional help and stop trying to make her problems become everyone else's problems for real. its just tacky and she makes herself look like a nut in the end anyway

[jaylady999]

Sept 23, 2008 15:17:50 GMT -5 gemmani said:

Why are you defending this triffling female? I understand your stance, power to BMs and all, but this is ridiculous.

i think youknowwhat will defend what any BM does no matter what it is, she'd excuse them. i am sorry, but as a BM myself, i find it disgusting what this young lady is doing and I definitely applaud Canice for shining the light on this illegal gain of child support.

[Chalam]

YouKnow told it all in her post. She doesn’t have the capacity to move forward from the pain this man caused her therefore her action his to belittle and tear down all wifeys / girlfriends/ etc. I think we have all felt hurt and pain so cut her some slack. It takes some of us a longer time to heal than others. I thought that when I read her post about BD being challenged. It seemed like an attempt to conclude why he and the family did not want her around.

Youknow with that “Get Mine Attitude” I seriously doubt you would allow you man to be taken advantage of. I’m pretty sure you would have gone the same route as Canice. That what makes us real woman, the unconditional support we provide to our families

[canice]

Youknow........ Everything comes in time. You have to focus on you and getting yourself right. Even in the situation that you are in you can come back better and stronger. Like I said the first 2 years of my sons life me and his father hated eachother. That hate destroyed both of us, and hating someone who help u make the child that you now love more than life is not good for you or that child. Baby you let go and quit holding on to the past and that man. Work toward being positive towards him. Don't talk bad about him to his son, any opinion that your son makes about his father should be his own. Don't hurt that relationship before it ever even get a chance to start. Live for you and your son. You continue your life and put it in GODs hand. When he sees that you are ready that love that you are looking for will come, and you might even end up one of us a WIFEY. But right now that hate and hurt in your heart is not letting in your blessing of that one man that is gonna love you and your son no matter what his paternity may be. And you may even someday.............. be able to be friends or friendly with your BD. Hell you all could end up married and laughing about all this drama later on down the line. IT did not end up with me and my BD getting back together but believe it or not he is one of my closest friends and has even admited to myself, myhusband and his family that he f**k up by letting me go because he now see the WOMAN that he let go and has never found anyone that can stand even close to the position of respect he has for me. I have had several of his girlfriends ask me how can we be so close after everything we have been through, some even jealous. I tell them we share a bond that is our child and we always will but I want him to be happy in life and he wants the same for me. And if both parents are happy and not together their child will be happy no matter what. The two can blend. He is like family to my family ........... now if I could just marry him off to his girlfriend now I would be truly happy. Because my sons want a sister and I refuse to have a little girl............. she will be to much like me and I could not take it. (LOL)

You saw him as a good guy oonce and he can be agian. You have to let him do that, and you have to move on because if you don't you will be misserable for the rest of your life and that is not fair to you or your son.

[canice]

Sept 23, 2008 15:11:11 GMT -5 youknowwhatitis said:

When do we stop being judgemental and conclude that maybe they don't how to move on. Some things that happen to people scar them and they don't have the emotional capacity or coping mechanisms to move past it.

Quit picking and that scar and let it heal. Thats how you stop.