Picture of the past?

[Chalan]

Jaylady, I must be honest the calls were to HIS cell phone but disruptive just the same. Maybe it is because we live in a one floor condo. Either way disrespect is disrespect. A cell phone is just a way to hide that disrespect. BD realized this and cut a lot of communication out. (It took time).

This whole blended family life is new. I had a StepMom and never went through this mess. She and my Mom actually got along because it was about the kids. Fast forward some years, my Dad is deceased, and both she and my Mom still attend family functions together. Therefore, I had unrealistic views of blending a family.

That’s why I like bouncing off ideas here because I may have been able to prevent a lot of things that happened. ;D

[jaylady999]

Chalan~ let me just tell you that I do feel you 100%. BMD was new to me too and I swear I just couldnt wrap my head around some of things that these females allow themselves to put themselves through and for what? It is a thorn in the side for the BD true enough, but she doesnt realize she is affecting her child(ren) more than anything.

I agree that the whole cellphone thing is disruptive and disrespectful, and as you said, eventually he cut a lot of the communication. Better late than never, but it just shows you that BD is the one who should be responsible for cutting out the madness the BM tries to bring. This is a very good place to bounce ideas off one another as far as how to cope with some of the antics of these emotionally unstable females. I do realize that sometimes things sound a lot easier than they really are and I think that sometimes drastic measures need to be taken to show the BM that her mess will not be tolerated. It may even temporarily draw a wedge in between the father and his child, but if its only temporary, that surely beats years of letting BM get away with things that she should not be allowed to get away with. Its more of the lesser of two evils, I think

[Cahlan]

I agree 200%!! Well said!

[jaylady999]

we went through a period of months without seeing his children a couple of times over the last 7 years, but BM finally gets it. WE WILL NOT TOLERATE HER NONSENSE. We get the kids without fail at the very least, every other weekend, sometimes every week without fail.

Wont lie, every now and again, BM tries to kick up dirt, but it only winds up getting in her own eyes and she goes and crawls back in the hole she came from.

From the very beginning, I have just absolutely refused to deal with her personally. I didnt care what she did, BD was to deal with her. I supported him and any beef I had, I expressed to him and wiped my hands of it. But I think a lot of my blessing is that he would rather handle his BM than to deal with me about putting his foot down with her. I think of it as being equivalent to a child getting caught stealing and preferring to deal with the police over his own mama, cuz mama dont play that mess. LOL

[memyslfni]

See ladies..I dont mind looking like I'm second in command but between me and dh WE know I'm the BOSSSS.. So I dont mind telling him how he needs to handle his bmd..accordingly

[Chalan]

Does your husband have a visitation agreement? All of the things are lessons learned. I think my SO feels like your husband now.

[Chalan]

Memyslfni- I like that. Second in command. Believe me; she knows who the Boss is. Let me not put it that way for fear of sounding controlling. My SO and discuss things thoroughly now and make a decision we both can live with.

I never anticipated BMD so I didn’t consider the “what ifs”. I’m wiser now. Like Jaylady said, I couldn’t act like some of these women if I tried. My prides is too great. Besides, he ISN’T the last man on earth. I’d be hurt but life goes on.

[memyslfni]

Jay I think my dh is eventually going to get to that point as well...I am confident though that someday he will be able to handle the bs without my input..

[memyslfni]

Chalan, my dh is my soon 2 B...and before we exchange vows were gonna have to meet in the middle on these particular issues...He has an out of court agreement with one bm and the other is just waiting for us to come get the kids...(transportation issues) but it is in the works..The out of court agreement is every other sunday, which I dont think is enough but in due time things will change..

[jaylady999]

Oct 3, 2008 15:10:42 GMT -5 @memyslfni said:

See ladies..I dont mind looking like I'm second in command but between me and dh WE know I'm the BOSSSS.. So I dont mind telling him how he needs to handle his bmd..accordingly

This is for sure. I play the "my husband is the head of my household" all the time and in view of both our family and friends, no problem. But at the end of the day, we know who truly runs it and if asked, DH would say it too

[jaylady999]

Oct 3, 2008 15:12:10 GMT -5 @Chalan said:

Does your husband have a visitation agreement? All of the things are lessons learned. I think my SO feels like your husband now.

nope, there is no visitation agreement nor is there a child support order on either child. for our situation only, this works out very well. becuz if she wants to act silly and withhold the kids, guess what? she is left to financially fend for her children at that point and my husband does wayyyy more for their children than she ever has. she provides housing for them of course and she feeds them, but he does literally everything else, all the way down to the underwear and I am not exaggerating. so if she wants to get silly, the way the situation is set up, it will only cost her more in the end, either that or she can take him to court for child support, but we know she will never go that route, cuz quite frankly one his kids has a big ole question mark on her forehead. so if she tries to take him to court, first thing coming out of his mouth is "blood test", and she doesnt want that. i think that is some of her motivation to act like she got some sense. LOL

[jaylady999]

Oct 3, 2008 15:20:24 GMT -5 @memyslfni said:

Jay I think my dh is eventually going to get to that point as well...I am confident though that someday he will be able to handle the bs without my input..

he will, everything is in time and everyone has their limit(regarding anything in life). he will get tired enough of her bull and tell her where to go and how to get there. i remember once during the "you cant see your kids" tyrade she was going through, i was in the other room and i heard DH(we were not married at the time) tell her that if she wants to keep playing yo yo with the kids, she can shove them up her a**. it was hurtful for him to say(becuase they are his kids), but he was just fed up and all of that pinned up anger just came exploding out. he was tired. he also told her(because she had her tubes tied just before I met DH) that she is the one that cant have more kids and if he wanted to have kids who he can actually be a father to uninterupted, he'd have them with me and she could go directly to hell with the kids. this, i believe was the turning point for my BM. she knew he was serious, he was done playing games with her and tip toeing around her and trying to pacify her so that he could be in his kids lives. it was ridiculous. she saw he meant business.

again, painful for him to say, but i truly think he felt like he meant it at that time. no man who is willing to be a father should have to jump through hoops to do so and they shouldnt be harrassed in the process either. we have good men who want to be fathers and these women out here take the love that a man feels for his child for granted and thinks that she can just do what she wants since she is the mother. NOT. what these type of BM's need is a BD who wont even look their child's way, then they would really be able to understand how truly blessed they are.

[memyslfni]

We better enjoy it while it lasts cause eventually the lights gonna come on and they wont have to come to mama for advise... They'll be able to come to us and say "This was the problem and this is how I handled it" (this calls for a lil treat... ;D) BTW I'm a lil old fashioned so I anticipate on my man being the "Head of the household" but until then it is what it is...

[jaylady999]

Chalan, my dh is my soon 2 B...and before we exchange vows were gonna have to meet in the middle on these particular issues

memy- you are so right. these are issues, that although will probably never fully go away, need to be in precise order before saying the "I DO's" . had my DH proposed to me with massive lingering BMD at hand, I can honestly say i would have turned him down. i refused to knowingly go into a marriage with that type of issue hanging in the balance. like i said, it will never completely go away, but you just want to make sure future DH has more control over the situation(when it comes to your household) than BM does. and if allowed, these BM's will try and run YOUR. what kinda nerve is that?

[jaylady999]

Oct 3, 2008 15:51:39 GMT -5 @memyslfni said:

We better enjoy it while it lasts cause eventually the lights gonna come on and they wont have to come to mama for advise... They'll be able to come to us and say "This was the problem and this is how I handled it" (this calls for a lil treat... ;D) BTW I'm a lil old fashioned so I anticipate on my man being the "Head of the household" but until then it is what it is...

let me tell you, this is one of the most exhilerating feelings. it took awhile for me to actually notice this is what was happening(because again, i didnt get involved with the wench). however, i started to notice that he'd be like "BM said such and such or did such and such and than I told her this and that" and he'd make me so proud. and he would actually be proud of himself, you could just tell, his chest would be all stuck out. but i took those opportunities to encourage him on and sometimes even if i though he was wrong in whatever the situation was (and BM was right, very rare though), i'd step in for her(as a BM myself) and help him see things her way. this is how he knew i wasnt on BS. but either way, men are just little boys with big boy clothes on.