Picture of the past?

[doinwatigottado]

Ok. This is the latest. I was in the process of washing clothes separating them and making sure nothing is left that ccould taint or be ruined. I found a picture of BM and my husband hugged up and kissing in my SS's jeans. Ok, at first my heart sunk, because seeing my husband being intimate with someone else was awkward. Then I wondered why SS would have that picture with him and whether or not BM deliberately gave it to him. I had never seen that picture before and I was just wondering why he would have it all of a sudden after 7 years of being here. (Hmm, we did recently have an intimate Anniversary celebration this Monday.) There shouldn't be any problems with him having pictures of his parents, but not sure it is confusing or not when the image includes intimacy. We have pictures of the 3 of them at birthday parties and well, why not have one of those? Just to let you know that I am not just being petty here, he is 12 and I know that he knows they are not together and that we are a blended family. I will not dictate or even discuss the picture with him either. Not appropriate. I guess, part of the problem is that off and on for the past 7 years I've felt this subtle resentment from him. He's even confessed that he wanted his mom and dad to get back together. This prompted us to conversations about it and I've explained that I understand those feelings. I told him that eventhough it is not likely they will be back together that we all love him and want what's best for him and I assured him that I would NEVER get between him and his dad.

This issue almost did not exist when SS was living with us full time yet now that he is with his mom full time SS and BM complain that my husband doesn't spend enough time with SS. This is not true. SS has been with us this entire week. I started to wonder what kind of time she was talking about. My husband divies his time among 4 chldren and a wife. If SS came only on the weekends then I could understand that, but what does all of this mean and what is she asking? I understand that all children need to spend time with their parents and in this situation, it has to be a fair distribution of husband's time which has been difficult.

Now back to the picture because my point is that the only thing that made sense to me (considering that we've been having these issues and struggling) is that BM may not be helping SS in accepting the status quo. Therefore my insistance on boundaries and lack thereof. I'm sure it can be confusing to a child, when mother is so involved in our daily life that we have never been able to establish our own identity with SS within our family. BM calls 3,4,5, and even 6X's a day. When we go out during activities BM calls 2-3 times asking what we are doing, and asking what he ate, when we are coming back home so on and so on. Which came to a head just recently. How will SS ever be able to accept that this is his life and that there is much to be grateful for.

What was also interesting was that he was here when my husband and I celebrated our 18th Anniversary September 29th. Could it be that he was impressed by it and having his own thoughts about BM and his dad? Dunno, but all of this is complicated. This can be sooooooo conflicting!! I love that boy. I can't wait til we are at a point where he can completely release himself to enjoy the benefits of having this blended family.

[Chalan]

Honestly, I don’t think you or your DH help her accept the fact that he has moved on. By answering all the calls and giving into her demands, I think you are enabling her. As long as you continue this behavior, she will feel she has the right to question every incident or simply put…..your life. You should know by now that you will never please her and that BD can not give enough time or money. What would the alternative be? For BD to be with her, that way SS could have most of his time? I wouldn’t worry about it.

I wouldn’t worry about the picture. Kids want what they want but I don’t think it is personal. Maybe he thinks is Mom is lonely. Maybe he feels you are the reason his parents can not reconcile hence the resentment. Once again it isn’t personal.

[doinwatigottado]

I agree. I suppose that when I said that I wouldn't get in between him and his dad that meant he could come over and spend as much time with him as he wanted, but what I didn't anticipate was that it would include her constant shadow. Well, I suppose we will see how this set of boundaries will work out.

[gemmani]

Your stepson is 12! There is no reason why his mom should be calling non-stop about him. One, he's with his dad, she thought he was good enough to have a kid with, then he's good enough to parent his child. Two, the boy is about to be a teenager? Time to cut the ambilical.

She probably calls just to piss off you and your DH, and to maintain control. Take that control away. She'll probably get worse before it gets better, but do it for your family.

As for the picture, those are his parents. I'm sure he loves you very much, and he probably feels guilty about that. And regardless of his feelings toward you, he's always going to want his parents back together. But don't let that make you feel bad, it's normal for kids.

[doinwatigottado]

You are right and ny husband has told her that she needs to cut the cord, but her excuse is that he is is going to always be her baby and she can't help that she is a concerned parent. That when we don't answer the phone she starts to think that something bad happend to him. I recall one time she came to our house huffing and puffing about him not calling her the night before. We were out and got home late. My husband didn't have his cell phone on and she called our house phone all night long. She left dozens of messages. We got home so late we didn't bother to call her back. She came by the house in the morning unannounced crying hysterically saying she thought something happend to us and that she couldn't sleep all night. She was angry at BD and SS that they showed no understanding for this behavior which made her insist that she was really scared and that they shouldn't do that to her. I don't know. My husband needs to get this sh!t in check!!! I think that he always gets sucked into the drama. We haven't really gone through that again, but the calling continues.

[gemmani]

No way, stick to your guns. Don't let her bully your home. Unplug the phones, turn off the cell. She going to have to get over it.
And don't feel bad, this has to happen for the well-being of your family.

[memyslfni]

Gem...Alot of things have to happen...sometimes we just dont want to deal with the comebacks...(causing waves can get quite dramatical)...We often try to avoid these waves but I've been telling myslf alot lately that things have to happen...in order for those living in fairy tale land to get the message..

[gemmani]

Exactly. It sucks and it's not easy. It takes work, patience, and dedication, you must stick to it. But the outcome is so worth it.

[Chalan]

The consequences always affect the child the most due to these selfish BMs. I wouldn’t cut off access completely but you might be able to control it better. Limit the number of calls his son makes to her. Maybe 3 a day….morning , afternoon, and night. I really don’t have any advice but to say your husband must handle this. I know it is important show a united front but you should be behind the scenes so she has no need to come to you once your husband becomes stern with her.

I hate to say this but can you change your home number and not give it to her? BD’s cell phone should be sufficient. Under no circumstances should she be running to your home on a whim. BD should have given her a strong piece of his mind. There is hope. SO’s ex wanted to continue to come to my home even with all the drama she caused and used every excuse in the book. I cut that out when she became disrespectful. He had to meet her up the street. Sometimes the husband’s/ SO/partners have to make a choice: the BM’s tactics or peace in the home.

Memyslfni- Don’t hold your breath. Some women NEVER get it. I am with Gem though, over time, maybe they’ll get bored and move on. I’m going on year 4 now so maybe in another 4 she’ll get the message. LOL

[jaylady999]

The consequences always affect the child the most due to these selfish BMs. I wouldn’t cut off access completely but you might be able to control it better. Limit the number of calls his son makes to her. Maybe 3 a day….morning , afternoon, and night. I really don’t have any advice but to say your husband must handle this. I know it is important show a united front but you should be behind the scenes so she has no need to come to you once your husband becomes stern with her.

see thats my whole thing. unless BM is coming at the original poster directly, to me, there is no need for HER(as the wife/girlfriend) have to limit anything. my thought is that it should totally be up to DH. if DH has a cell, about the only thing I would limit is the BM calling my home. like you said, she call HIS cell and he can choose to answer it if he wants and not to if he doesnt. I know some women dont want the BM calling her man's celly for fear of inappropraite conversations, but this is where trust in your man comes in. In the 6 years that DH and I have lived together, BM has NEVER had my home number. She would just have to bother DH with her games and when he finally got tired, he nipped it in the bud. But personally, I wouldnt put myself in the middle of it, its his BM, I'd let him deal with her and just as you said, stay in the background in the process. Again, this is assuming BM is only being annoying by calling the house.

I hate to say this but can you change your home number and not give it to her? BD’s cell phone should be sufficient. Under no circumstances should she be running to your home on a whim. BD should have given her a strong piece of his mind. There is hope. SO’s ex wanted to continue to come to my home even with all the drama she caused and used every excuse in the book. I cut that out when she became disrespectful. He had to meet her up the street. Sometimes the husband’s/ SO/partners have to make a choice: the BM’s tactics or peace in the home.

i vote for peace, but BM definitely has to make the move to control this situation as best he can, it shouldnt be on the shoulders of the wife/girlfriend.

Memyslfni- Don’t hold your breath. Some women NEVER get it. I am with Gem though, over time, maybe they’ll get bored and move on. I’m going on year 4 now so maybe in another 4 she’ll get the message. LOL

and you are right, some women really dont ever get it. it took my BM 5 years and a wedding before she got the hint that i aint goin nowhere. and even now sometimes she needs a subtle reminder every now and again ;D

[memyslfni]

Chalan, I wouldnt care if bm ever gets it as long as she sees where i stand in her bd's life...boundaries are going to be set regardless of how she feels..so long as she continues to disregard the fact that me and her bd are one, the feeling will be mutual..

[jaylady999]

pretty much. i've never given baby mama a big chunk of my energy mainly becuz she wasnt worth it. however, unlike a lot of the ladies in this forum, she has never come directly at me. her tactics were more indirect, so she was easier for me to ignore. LOL

[Chalan]

Jaylady, understood and I agree. When I said limit the calls, I meant BD should communicate the new conditions but discuss the matter with her in private. I’ve learned that it is ALWAYS best for the communication to come from BD.

It honestly doesn’t bother me that he talks to BM because I knew there would be communication going into the relationship. Heck, I didn’t even care if they were friends. But once again, she went too far. She would call at inappropriate times like 6:30 in the morning or 10:30 at night. I’m old fashion there, and find it disrespectful. I think those times are reserved for emergencies.

I think every situation is different. In my case, all of the calls from BM became very annoying. It wasn’t a case of one or two calls, there were numerous calls and this was disruptive in my household. Calls over stupid things like, why didn’t you play a board game with DD today, when are you cooking dinner for DD, why is she in the room watching tv, why did your SO say that to her? My BD felt the calls were excessive but didn’t want to rock the boat so to speak. And because he didn’t “handle the situation” , , she thought she could “rule” my household. I’m sorry to say I let her for most of the year because I had the child in mind, but she went too far and I had to let her personally know I wouldn’t tolerate it any more. Maybe I was wrong for the going directly to her, but I will say this, she looks the other way when I’m around. See my BD has guilty father syndrome and is CONSTANTLY battling the negative things BM’s says to their child. It shouldn’t have been me that handled the situation but ….plain and simple, BD was afraid of the consequences and didn’t want to hear her mouth. We all have to make choices inlife. I didn’t ask him to choice between his daughter and me, he had to choose who was going to be the woman in his life. You can’t have it both ways. I’m glad to say that my SO has stepped up to the plate and made necessary changes for our relationship. The drama continues but not to the extent it was before.

[memyslfni]

This is why it is crucial to discuss and set rules between BD and SO in regards to stepkids coming over to visit..and further implying them as a unit to bm.....The same united front thats used with the children...NO difference...Once they see U two stand together..there are no if, ands or butts.. ;D

[jaylady999]

Chalan - most definitely I agree that all communication should come from the BD, and trust, I have seen that guilty father syndrome in working action and it is nothing close to pretty. My best friend's DH's BM use to pull the phone calls at all hours back to back nonstop and I remember how pissed off it made her. I can only imagine. I do agree in this type of situation, your BM just ran things into the ground and since she was calling your home, by all means, its your home, I would have let her have it to.. She is stomping on and abusing the right to call YOUR HOME.

Cell phones tend to get a little different. If, for example she was blowing up DH's phone and he continued to let that happen, then I'd have to question him on why he control that situation any better and now my issue is with him and not BM. So I guess it all just depends on which lines are crossed and how far the BM tries to go with it