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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 22, 2008 16:18:35 GMT -5
Some people indicate that they have been able to avoid BMD by not becoming involved. What advice can you give to those who may be, in your opinion, TOO involved? There seems to be a vast difference in the thought process between wives/girlfriends/other.
Also, please indicate whether you are:
1. The spouse of a man with BMD.
2. The ex-wife of a man with BMD.
3. The girlfriend (separate living spaces) of a man with BMD.
4. The live-in girlfriend (same house) of a man with BMD.
5. Ex-wife/girfriend/BM - all of the above
5. The Baby Mama bringing the drama
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Post by wbmama on Apr 22, 2008 17:06:36 GMT -5
Excellent post -tellit. I really want someone to tell me specifically how NOT to become involved in something that is in my face....
I am a wife of a man who had BMD BEFORE I came into the picture. I stayed back until I just couldn't take it anymore. Now, I've backed off again and so has my DH - and guess how much we see the child - NONE! Because if somebody don't fight with the CBM - constantly - we don't see the child. We are running out of money paying an attorney (who btw thinks BM is completely insane too). So what other options are there?
Since there are so many people on here who seem to have all the answers....
please tell me - what do you do that works so well in your life?
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 22, 2008 17:39:19 GMT -5
Me and my bm's arent to much involved in each others lives, And This is why I am so persistant in knowing the benefits of becoming involved and to what extent. Also, is it going to make my life better or miserable trying to fight a battle I may or may not win. My bf has managed to keep me out of it, which I am GGReattful for, not that I have no concern for his kids. Its just that I have kids of my own and I'll be d**ned If let them see me going back and forth with a woman that isnt worth half my time. But then theres, If I were to get any further into the drama, the more I'd probably feel that it is my place to be there. Because then I've crossed the line into making it my business in starting a never ending battle.
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Post by wbmama on Apr 22, 2008 18:04:12 GMT -5
ok...not to sound sarcastic - but Jusdundstn - why are you here? What is it that you're looking for? And why buy the book?
I think staying back is great! I really do. I wish I could have. I stayed back for a long time - then I got pushed around.
What if one of the BM starts some sh*t with you?
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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 22, 2008 18:15:06 GMT -5
Jusdn, do you live with your boyfriend? You indicated before that BF does not bring the kids around, but goes to their homes to visit.
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 22, 2008 18:23:53 GMT -5
I just mentioned that before I really decide to go through the motions of being more involved, I'm trying to get more information before I make that Huge of a step....This is what I am dealing with at the moment. Do I want to push for that and what are the benefits or circumstances? This is going to be a big change in my life and Im going to study on it before I go any futher....Do u understand now why I bought the book? Basically the fact that if I'm going to continue my life with the man I'm with now, eventually his kids will come around and I want to be ready.
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Post by junieb2 on Apr 22, 2008 18:30:11 GMT -5
I am the spouse of a man with BMD.
I too tried to stay out of the whole BMD thing, but was dragged into the whole picture by the CBM who has accused me of child abuse and has even asked her children to disrespect me. Once I set the tone and let her know that "I just don't play that" she decided to communicate through my in-laws and has continually been a pain in the a**.
Now that my DH has learned some tools to deal with BMD, we don't have nearly as much disruptive behavior.
There are times when I need to be involved and draw the line and there are times when I sit back and watch. One must find a balance. Of course, that doesn't say I don't raise a lot of noise at times.
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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 22, 2008 18:31:05 GMT -5
I wish that book was out when I got married....I would like to add that the same way everyone is getting drawn up into bickering here is the same way women can get drawn into BM drama. When someone pushes your buttons, it is human nature to respond. And, in our anger, sometimes we do things that are out of the norm. Jusdn, you have not met your boyfriend's children & I don't think you have met his BMs. Therefore, it is easy for you to stay out of it. But, when it is up in your face every day & you are faced with it, that will be the real test for you....It is always easy to say what you would do if you "were" in a position, but until you are in the position, you don't know how you will respond.
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 22, 2008 18:39:06 GMT -5
I've met all his kids and met one baby...and before I get any futher I'm going to do the research first. What to do and what not to do? So that I know to what extent I should become involved...
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Post by wbmama on Apr 22, 2008 18:40:10 GMT -5
Knowledge is power - I think its great that you're researching it. And that book is great. However, its a one time help. Unlike this board where you can interact.
I don't understand why you don't think that you can be "pulled" into the drama...
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 22, 2008 18:54:31 GMT -5
I agree that you can be tempted to get involved, but why open the door for a person to make your life miserable?
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 22, 2008 18:56:06 GMT -5
That was a very helpful read junieb..thanks
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Post by wbmama on Apr 22, 2008 18:58:59 GMT -5
Open the door?
U really don't get it do you Jusdnt?
You still haven't answered my question - what is your plan if one of your BMs tries to start some sh*t with you?
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Post by Keia1 on Apr 22, 2008 19:17:19 GMT -5
Involvement......should be limited between casual hello's and goodbyes...any discussions you have with bm should be about the childrens welfare...not stay the hell away from your hubby or bf, not about what phones shes calling, not about money (let bd handle it) if YOU have a problem take it to BD he is YOUR man and it is his JOB to have your BACK and explain how it will benefit you and if not explain to you why it has to be this way...NOT BM's. You should not email BM, call BM unless you have kids at your home and kids are sick, unless you (and I mean u personally not you and hubby or bf) are cordially inviting the kids to an event, unless you need to know what size the kids wear etc. BM and gf or wifey contact should be limited to discussing the children only....NOT BD. If you are BD's gf or wifey it's only natural for you to be on his side and want to defend him. Therefore it is better you NOT enter into any type of argument with her...DO NOT FLAUNT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE THE WIFEY OR GF...IT WILL ONLY CAUSE DRAMA...NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING IT IS. Remember you are a part of BD's life...not BM's she doesn't have to respect you personally because you are his wifey or gf.....she just has to respect the fact that you are his wifey and gf and that you are in his life. Your title does not entitle you to anything from the BM. If she is nasty or disrespectful do not stoop to her level simply cut off contact. To go back and forth is to only endanger the fragile relationship that man has with that child. Love the man, love the kids....but you don't have to love the BM. Just respect the fact that she is the BM and that those are her kids and that he will always owe her money until 18 and be in her kids life...even if not hers. Behave with dignity and let her know you are not intimidated by her. Because if she thinks so....oh the games she will play.....
Understand that your man had a past before you.....and that is okay but he must tame that tiger not you. Remember if another woman can beat you rocking she is entitled to that chair...just stay on your toes so that her or no other woman beats you rocking. Any issues take it to BD aka BIG DADDY. LOL!
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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 22, 2008 19:27:01 GMT -5
Okay, okay, okay, Keia. We feel you.
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