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Post by denvergirl on Jul 8, 2009 8:49:47 GMT -5
I am in a pretty serious relationship with my boyfriend and we are expecting our first child together. He has a two year old son from a women he was with for several years. Adjusting to this new life hasn't been easy for me or him and of course his son. I have had problems with the BM since day one. She tried moving back in saying she and the son had no where to go. (She doesn't work and has never really worked, because he supported her for years.) She sends text messages from random phones (since hers was turned off) or from the Internet talking crap about me or saying she misses him and will do whatever it takes to get him back. We've talked alot and I know he is devoted to me and our baby. I support his decisions when taking the son with us. And I know eventually we'll go to court for custody. But what bothers me are these text messages. How do I put a stop to them? He doesn't respond and says he doesn't want to argue with her. But in my mind how hard is it to lay down the law and say stop with the text messages and face reality I am not coming back and the only reason you're still around is my son? I feel like he is the one who has to put a stop to it. Am I right or wrong?
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 8, 2009 9:12:32 GMT -5
No, actually you are right. He is the only one to put a stop to it and right now it seems as if ignoring her is the best thing for him right now. When he tires of her texting, he'll say something, but you cannot make him do so. Let it play itself out and if all that is going on is one sided text messages, let it go for now but keep your eyes and ears open  |
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Post by gemmani on Jul 8, 2009 9:19:18 GMT -5
He needs to be upfront with this. Seeing as though the messages are basically stating that she wants him back and not that they've been doing anything, I'm sure you can trust him. At the same time, sitting back and doing nothing is almost the same as giving her hope, at least in her eyes. He needs to extinguish the hope and be blunt with her. No need to argue, all he has to do is say what he has to say and keep it moving. But I feel saying nothing makes it worse and keeps her wound open. The whole point is to close that chapter and move on.
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 8, 2009 9:34:59 GMT -5
I agree he should say something, I know I would. But she cant force him to. She can talk to him about it, but her role in the matter ends there. And actually, even after he were to say something to her, something tells me she wouldnt stop. We know how 'persistent' some BMs are |
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Post by realwivesplsstndup on Jul 8, 2009 9:42:17 GMT -5
Jay~ 'persistent'-code for 'crazy'.
LOL!
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 8, 2009 9:50:04 GMT -5
You know it! LOL
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Post by gemmani on Jul 8, 2009 9:53:34 GMT -5
You are definitely right Jay. It's just that the passive approach never seems to work, either. If he says something, at least you know it's been put out there, so whatever else the BM does is on her.
Sounds like this woman is codependent, can't function on her own.
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 8, 2009 11:47:00 GMT -5
You know I know first hand. I tried iggin K, and that surely didnt stop her.  |
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Post by denvergirl on Jul 8, 2009 20:03:17 GMT -5
So should I ask him to tell her to stop? Or wait it out?
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 8, 2009 20:29:41 GMT -5
Ok, this is what I did back during one of the infamous times that BM used to call DH for every frickin thing, no matter how minute it was. When she'd call, if I were sitting right there and really could tell she didnt want jack, when he hung up the phone after having a 3 minute convo with his eyes rolled up in the top of his head trying to push her arse off the phone, I'd ask him: "for real, she had to call you for that?" or "it dont make no sense that she couldnt handle that mess on her own?" or my best one yet " whew, I am so glad I am not so dependent on my BD that I cant make a move without letting him know about it". That way, I wasnt telling him to tell her to stop calling, cuz it wasnt my place. I was more so putting it out there that her calls are stupid and she needs to get a frickin life. He took heed in hs own way and weened her off calling him. Now in your case, becuase she is clearly texting with inappropriate nonsense, if you havent brought it to his attentiong before, I'd politely and nicely say "dont you think its out of line for her to be texting you like that?" wait for his response, which should be something like "yeah, but if I just ignore her, she'll stop", to which I'd say "why dont you just tell her to stop texting you, at least that way she'll know you are uninterested". Leave it at that for now and see what happens. No matter what, you wont be able to make him make her stop, but you can try to make him see how disrespectful it is to your relationship and he can take it from there. She will never respect your relationship and really its not her job to do so, but he has to do what he can to show that at least he is trying. But please be warned, if he says anything to her about how you dont like her texting him, she will continue with it X2 just to get under your skin. I had to teach DH not to ever tell BM that anything she does every pisses me off, even if it does because thats her queue to show me her BM muscles. Bottom line for you, never get upset to the point where your anger is directed at him, just be patient and keep communication open less the attitude. Its hard, but it is possible  Keep us posted |
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Post by hunter on Jul 9, 2009 5:21:05 GMT -5
I am in a pretty serious relationship with my boyfriend and we are expecting our first child together. He has a two year old son from a women he was with for several years. Why're you pregnant by a man who has a TWO YEAR OLD? Couldn't you have found another (read: BETTER) man and simply allowed this man the time and opportunity to work things out with his young family?  ?? |
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Post by gemmani on Jul 9, 2009 6:47:21 GMT -5
Are you kidding me Hunter?
If he didn't want to be with her, then that's what it is. They were together several years. A baby can't fix things that are broken........did you get that memo yet?
I guess I was a bad person too. I started dating my husband when his kids were 4, 2, and 9 months. The relationship was BROKEN. Done. Finito. Completely over. Nothing left to "work out" with his "young family".
Don't go judging this girl. Her bf was smart enough to realize that it was over and didn't stay there trying to beat a dead horse.....maybe you should go by his example.
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Post by gemmani on Jul 9, 2009 6:54:20 GMT -5
Jay, you bring up a good point. If he says something to her, it has to come from HIM and not that it makes his gf upset.
I'm thankful DH has never done that. Everything he tells her is the bare minimum and started with "I".
Not that it stopped her from blaming me for everthing......but she's just mad that I have what she wants.
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 9, 2009 10:03:27 GMT -5
Absolutely Gem. I told my DH if he ever has issues to address with BM, keep me out of it. The mere mention of my name use to send her in smoke. LOL. Besides that, its unneccessary. I should be of no concern to her, just as she is of no concern to me ;D
And by the way Hunter, um, I met my Dh when my SS was barely a year old, it happens, its call life.
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Post by Reply on Jul 9, 2009 10:21:01 GMT -5
First I would like to address Hunter. One- I don't think you have enough facts to understand why this man left her. And Two, I don't remember asking an opinion on if I was in the right relationship with this guy or not.
As for the other two (jaylady999 and gemmani) thanks for your support and suggestions. You truly have been help and opened up the subject for me. I now feel prepared to talk to him. I never want to have to fight over her and he knows her better than I do, so he is probably doing what he thinks best. But I do know I am suffering in silence and stressing while expecting a child and he should be aware of my feelings. Thanks again for all the help!
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Keep us posted 
??