Minor annoyance

[youknowwhatitis]

You know I never got a screen name cause I could never get my password through my email. She's making a difference because she only wants to be bothered with them so much. You and I both know you can't do that with your own children. She married him and all he comes with. If BM loses her mind and DH has to permanently or temporarily get the kids.....then what? One has to consider all that when marrying a person. Things change. No one will be able to tell her child they can't come over because DH or her is tired of him or her etc. Is it right to do it to DH's kids. I know 3 kids has got to be a pain in the azz especially when preggo but she signed up for the job.

[jaylady999]

I dont see it as her making a difference. I feel the same way as Gem does, I dont want my skids over every single weekend. And the reason I know I am not making a difference is because I dont even want my own son every weekend

Gem having a new baby will be different though. When Lil Jay was a newborn, you couldnt pry him out of my arms, so that is different. Its not a difference between kids vs stepkids, in her case is a difference between older kids vs newborn. The newborn just happens to be hers biologically.

[youknowwhatitis]

I completely understands how she feels, I don't want to be bothered with my precious Jaylin all the time. About to go drop him off at preschool...LOL!! He goes 5 days a week for that very reason. But like I said about my ex 2 kids and his 2 BM's that in my opinion ain't worth a d**n. If we get married and one of his BM's fall's off or he wants to have his kids more I may not like it but I have 2 accept because I signed up for the package. That's why I'm shying away from signing up for that package. Kids are a LOT of responsibility. I would love to have another baby but rest assured I will have a quality partner first. But she said he wants her to treat them as her own. She's basically saying she can't or she won't that's making a difference. You will always favor your child. Let's be real. It just kinda seems like after a while she's gonna start getting like after the baby is born not wanting the skids over as much, using the baby as an excuse not to have them over. God forbid one or two of the skids is sick or something. Telling DH she is too tired to be bothered with all the kids. Maybe I'm doing overkill.........but I'm usually right. She's going to have to find a way to balance it out because DH will peep that she's making a difference he's already made it clear what he expects of her. I'm just worried she's setting herself up.

[gemmani]

I can see what you're saying Youknow, but I know I'm going to eventually do the same to my own kid once he's old enough. The skids have their mama to go to and my son will have MY mama to go to. Either way, I feel any parent needs alone time or couples time in order to recharge and be the best parent you can be. I've always felt that way. My parents did the same thing with my sister and I. I don't like my pops, but I must say he and my mom go out all the time together, from when we were young. We'd be left with our grandmothers or cousins or whoever. Did that mean they loved us less? Not at all...they just needed time away from being a parent and I totally understand that.

And it goes both ways....yes I knew he had kids but he also knew I DIDN'T have kids. I don't feel I should have to sacrifice every waking minute of my free time to his kids. That's only making me resentful of the kids and of my DH. If we can't get some quality time together with just us as a couple, then why the hell am I here? I'm not going to be a martyr for anybody and I didn't marry him soley to help him with his kids. That's reality.
Of course I'm going to love my kid more....that's nature. But I don't see how I'm doing anything to show the skids that. They ask me questions, I show them my pregnancy books and they are very excited to meet their brother. We spent almost an hour last time with all of us sitting still so they could feel the baby kick. I make sure I involve them so they don't feel left out or anything.
BUT....the reality is that the baby will be with us full-time. The baby only has one household compared to the skids having two. We can try to make things as fair as possible and we will, but sometimes it won't work out that way. But that's the nature of blended families.

[jaylady999]

But like I said about my ex 2 kids and his 2 BM's that in my opinion ain't worth a d**n. If we get married and one of his BM's fall's off or he wants to have his kids more I may not like it but I have 2 accept because I signed up for the package.

No sorry, I didnt sign up for having kids EVERY.SINGLE.WEEKEND when my skids have TWO capable parents. Its one thing for a parent to be in dire straights and just CANT take care of her kids for some reason, but for a BM who has the ability and is really using her weekend to go kick it and party while DH is immobilized with kids, that is not fair at all. So nope, not buyin it.

That's why I'm shying away from signing up for that package.

The package is fine, depending on who's holding it. If you have a good man who knows how to balance his life between his wife and his kids, or at the very least he's open to communication, then no worries. I signed up for this life and dont regret one minute of it ;D

Kids are a LOT of responsibility.

The exact reason I only birthed one

I would love to have another baby but rest assured I will have a quality partner first. But she said he wants her to treat them as her own. She's basically saying she can't or she won't that's making a difference.

Do I make a difference between my son and my skids? D*mn right I do and I am not ashamed to say it. Of course there is a difference between a child I have total control over and one that I have virtually none. I think its ridiculous to think otherwise.

You will always favor your child. Let's be real. It just kinda seems like after a while she's gonna start getting like after the baby is born not wanting the skids over as much, using the baby as an excuse not to have them over.

Nope, cant see it. She is fine with EOW and that is more than fair. Its not like BM has the kids 2 weeks straight, during the time most BMs have their kids is during the week. I see Lil Jay exactly 4 hours out of a normal weekday day(and during the time is schoolwork, dinner, bathing, reading, etc), so if kids are in school and BD is getting the kids every single weekend, exactly when is the BM spending time with her own kids?

God forbid one or two of the skids is sick or something. Telling DH she is too tired to be bothered with all the kids. Maybe I'm doing overkill.........but I'm usually right. She's going to have to find a way to balance it out because DH will peep that she's making a difference he's already made it clear what he expects of her. I'm just worried she's setting herself up.

I dont think so. If they come every other weekend, it evens itself out for all involved, parents and stepparents alike. I dont see anything wrong with how Gem feels.

[jusdntundstn]

Youknow ~ If any BM decides to place her child under the care of their father full-time than of course the SM would have no choice but to accept the situation for what it is. But until then, the SM has every right to bask in every single moment that the Skids even Bio-kids are not around. It's called a BREAK and everyone needs one every now and then. Even in the event that the Skids became a permanent in Gem's/Any SP's life, there is this thing called a Babysitter and they DO take Skids too.

[chalan]

Gem~ Congrats on the new home! There is nothing like your own bathroom to throw your sh*t every where.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a break, peace, me time, or quality (alone) time with DH. My thing is, when you are dating a man with kids, you expect certain things because you see how often SO/DH gets the kids. My SO got his DD EOW. I was fine with that arrangement. After living together for awhile, BM thought the arrangement wasn’t fair, especially since she signed DD up to go to school in my area, using my address. She demanded SO get his DD EOW and one/two nights a week. He agreed w/o discussing this with me. (That’s a story itself). She thought she didn’t get a break and it wasn’t fair to her. Life isn’t fair. When a parent is the CP, there are certain responsibilities that come with that. Well, with the new arrangement, she still demanded full CS payment, not that SO cared. I didn’t mind so much either…….in the beginning. Her purpose wasn’t to get a break but to question her DD about everything. That arrangement was changed after the school year ended. Now, if BM is unable to care for the child or something misfortunate happens, then I would be more understanding and supportive.

The “treat em like your own concept” is impossible. Even when you truly love them, you will not treat them as your own. They aren’t yours.

[gemmani]

Jay's point about the difference between a step child and your own is a good one. I have no real control or say over my skids. I can control how things are run in my home but that's all. I will have all the power when it comes to my child. That's an inherent difference and will lead to a difference in treatment in certain aspects.
I just feel like there is so much pressure on step parents, especially women, to become automatically maternal and loving to these kids that aren't ours.We are supposed to set aside any and all feelings we have in order to please DH, please the kids, please the family who watches you with hawkeyes in regards to the kids. Let me tell you, I jump through hoops for no one. I will do my best to make to get acclimated to the situation but I will not sacrifice my own needs in the process. I will not lie and front like I'm Suzy Homemaker/Carol Brady. I support my DH in his relationship with the kids. I welcome them into my home. That's really it when it comes to my responsibility.
The funny thing is, even if I decided to be supermom to the skids, that would be wrong too. I'd be accused of trying to take over and not knowing my place. I do me, I handle the sitch the way I know best and the way it works best for me.

[ty1981]

I think you will naturally take care of the baby more because the baby needs you more. I'm sure your youngest skid needs more help/attention than the older ones. I'm sure the girls attach to you more than the boy. You treat kids differently because they are different. What works on one kid doesn't work on all. That being said I wouldn't want skids here every weekend because I need my weekends to get things accomplished. Being a BM doesn't give you a pass for free babysitting weekends.

[youknow]

Personally I do feel every weekend could be a bit much. It is hard dealing with other peoples kids in your home. I give ya that. But they aren't just other people's kids their your SO's kids. So that makes it a bit different. To a certain degree they have a right to be there.

My's ex's kids are just that his kids. I would feed them, bathe them and treat them like kids. My son is my angel. I have full control (for the most part) LOL over him. But my ex doesn't even have full control over his kids their moms do.

He mentioned wanting to raise them together but how is that so......if they have two different moms. I think he's just really realizing that their lives are separate and he regrets it. He knows now he should've had all his kids by one woman. The woman he marries.

Now your son will be the priority and the focus for you. But how are you going to cope when he's not just the only priority and focus for DH. Not that DH won't be thrilled to death but he will feel guilty and my let the skids get more and get away with more. He will inevitably want to invite them in on family outings etc. While sometimes you will just want it to be you him and your son like it will be most times. These situations are so tricky. That's what I thought about with my ex's kids. He won't have them all the time but when they get ready to go to school. They are both four. More money will be required and what if we decided to have another baby. Yes, I make good money nursing but how much money would be going out of our household.

I know you and DH will be great parents and skids are HIS responsibility for the most part. But........I think DH has other plans.

[gemmani]

I'm not worried about how DH will handle his kids and the baby. He will do what he has to do, regardless. I already assume that I will have more of the responsibility for the baby when the kids are here and that's fine with me. He is a good father, period.
As for bringing the kids for outings, that won't change much at all. We get the kids on the weekends. Whatever outing fall on those weekends, of course the kids will come. At the same time, I know I'll be out with the baby at times to see my family. We'll also have times when its just us and the baby if it's not his weekend. Basically just like it is now.
You also have to factor in BM's role in this scenario. There are times when we don't get the kids b/c she has plans for them. Plus we will have to see how she behaves when the baby is here, hopefully she'll continue as usual but there's a chance that she may act out and keep the kids at times. That happened right after we found out the sex, she kept them for like 2-3 weeks. Somethings you just have to play by ear, you know? I think things will work out. The kids are very excited for their brother, they'll probably be able to help out a lot.

[gemmani]

And LOL, DH will not let them get away with more or get more of anything. That's funny. He's always been good about discipline from the time the kids were little. He's not a guilt parent in the least bit, thank goodness. His pet peeve, like mine, is spoiled children and he always makes sure that he doesn't promote it.