The cure to all Baby Mama Drama!

[chrissy]

The best thing u can do is stay out of it! Support ur man and love ur step children like they are ur own. Because many BM's are so bitter anything u say or do is going to be wrong in their eyes. I have been on both sides of the fence. I have sympathy and compassion for the BM because honestly its just not that easy to accept that the man you love is moving on with someone else and that the family u thought u had is gone. On the flip side of that I think the new GF should respect the fact that the BM has history with her man and let time take its course. If the GF is secure with herself and the role she plays in his life the BM shouldn't really matter. Less focus on his past and more on ur future with him makes a very big difference. BM's are women left to deal with so many emotions and on top of that they have to look their child in the face everyday and think of the BD. So its not that easy to move on...Especially if the child was made out of love... So give the BM's a break and allow them to deal with their BD without interference from the new GF.

[youknow]

Not every BM loves and or wants there BD. In my case I could have my BD back in a heartbeat don't want him. My DH (soon to be) Yes April 2012 youknow will officially be off the market. LOL. Do I think I'm better than non married women or BM's nope. Cause I am a BM and I personally feel like my DH relationship with his ex wife's son if it means something to HIM I support it. I don't give a d**n about her. It's too many insecure women worried about some other woman. Women are spiteful and petty and there just seems to be some big competition for one woman to be better than the next. I simply don't play the game. I will not involve myself with DH's ex wife. Not my business. If he gets tired of playing daddy then I support that too. We are planning to have our own child. I have Jaylin he has NO biological children we are hoping for a little girl. I believe that once he has his biological daughter he will put it all in perspective. I am not going to force the issue.

The cure to BM drama is simply not to involve yourself. My time is too precious not to mention time is money to be worried about someones BM or wife for that matter. As the BM f**k your wife....she ain't nuts to me run me my MONEY. As the wife your BM is NOT my problem as long as she ain't taking nothing away from my kids I ain't trippin. I lucked out though my DH's children will only belong to ME.... ;D (snicker)

[KARA]

Thank you so much for this I was so heated today after a text my boyfriend BM sent him. I'm talking I was literally ready to drive to mississippi and grab her by her hair and drag it and beat it against a BRICK wall. But I keep praying and talking to other ladies friends and after reading your post it has helped me to calm all the way down. The young lady has a habit of sending my boyfriend pictures of herself in bra and panties and talking really bad about me. Some of the details she would say let me know that she has been studying my picture to a degree that is sickening. I actually exchanged words with her but not in a mean way by the end of that first conversation she was trying to define to me who she was as a woman and saying she doesnt have anything against me. So a year passed from that and we get a naked picture text and that was the line breaker for me. Whenever she sends these texts my boyfriend immediatly shows the text to me... I just wish she would grow and realize that she needs to put that mess to the side and put the child first instead of her feelings she is still holding on to.... did I mention that she has a man! She has even went as far as when we went home and we was taking him shopping she dropped him off to us but when her friends saw us all together they hyped her up and she came where we were and snatched their son up. I dont have the patience for immaturity but I have learned to be more patient and I have been prying for her. So again I thank you!

[The Wife]

I'm sorry but I respect every opinion however what everyone should always consider is that every case is different. My husband's BM is a hood rat and not really the person to hold an intelligent conversation with. My stepdaughter and I have a great relationship and I'm very involved in her life. I'm not the other woman nor am I any reason for the BM to target because she broke up the relationship with my now husband because he chose to go to college to a have a career to support a family versus continuing to sell drugs. He came from a rough background of Asian immigrants and overcame it and BM was mad and left HIM for an even younger street hustler that was shot and killed and she now dates another hustler that is 18 and just graduated....mind you we, the hubby BM and myself are 25. She doesn't have custody of our daughter, but attempted filing for child support...then constantly threatens to take her and we can never see her unless we pay her money. Pathetic and I feel sorry that my stepdaughter has to experience it. Giving birth to a child does not mean you have a golden uterus and that you should automatically get a paycheck. And the new woman in a man's life is not always the blame. If BM is jealous get over it and move on. My husband and stepdaughter are great and regardless of his teen choices I'm proud to be the wife of a young man who paid his way through college, always supported her, and now we own our own trucking company and nail salon in Atlanta. Some BM put themselves in the situation they are in and I am tired of people telling step moms to not be involved just because their womb wasn't involved. I am her mom as well and will do the best to make sure she has the best and for her baby sister who arrives in May. Fighting is childish and treating the ex or BM of a man as if she is the wife or is equal to you as the new spouse is a no no all around. Moms and wives biblically should be the same person but when they are not, bm must respect that and if both mom and step mom truly want what's best then there isn't anything to trip about....support the child and make sure they are getting the best....it takes true adult women though. Not little girls who use their children as pawns for a paycheck to go shopping and keep a weekly weave.

[Fed up Stepmom]

I agree with Wife Guest. You couldnt have said it better. To give birth to a child, doesnt make you better parent than a woman who hasnt. And you are also right. Cases are very different. I for one, my BM is so empty, bitter, and very selfish. DH doesnt have custody of her girls, BM does. However he pays maintenance every month and does everything for his girls, but still, BM is constantly nagging him as if he is her husband, That pisses me off as those ppl have broken up 10yrs ago, and Dh has been with me ever since. My dilemma is, she blames me for their breakup and resent me for that. Now she is using her kids to spite me and DH. I have a great relationship ( Or should I say I used to have a great relationship with her girls ( Elder is now 16, youngest is 13) Before then, when the girls were 10 yrs younger, we had so much fun. Our relationship was that of mother to daughter, and then I had no kids of my own.
Recently, my Elder stepdaugther, has been cheecky with me, talking bad abt me to her mom, infront of the younger one, and this change of relationship happened just after I gave birth to our son. So the BM turned her girls against me and DH, telling them that we dont love them anymo since our son is born. The kids used to visit us during school holidays, now she (BM) makes excusses for them not to come,and I can see its eating up DH. I asked him to talk to her, but all shes good at is swearing, and being mean to DH bcos of me. She even said to DH shell hav to die first before she can let th B"""tch raise her girls ( referring to me) and she said only if DH can divorce me, she will let him see the girls. So yaa BMD is very tiring esp when some people expect us ( Wives) to stay out of it. How do u just saty out of it, when a bm tells your DH to leave u?

[jaylady999]

I agree with Wife Guest. You couldnt have said it better. To give birth to a child, doesnt make you better parent than a woman who hasnt.

Thing is, unless you, as SM, has legally adopted that child, you(general you) are not that child's parent at all. Marrying the father of a child does not make you a mother to said child.


And you are also right. Cases are very different. I for one, my BM is so empty, bitter, and very selfish. DH doesnt have custody of her girls, BM does. However he pays maintenance every month and does everything for his girls, but still, BM is constantly nagging him as if he is her husband, That pisses me off as those ppl have broken up 10yrs ago, and Dh has been with me ever since. My dilemma is, she blames me for their breakup and resent me for that. Now she is using her kids to spite me and DH. I have a great relationship ( Or should I say I used to have a great relationship with her girls ( Elder is now 16, youngest is 13) Before then, when the girls were 10 yrs younger, we had so much fun. Our relationship was that of mother to daughter, and then I had no kids of my own.

I've lived this as well. They are still not your kids and it is up to your DH to deal with her nonsense. Is there a court order?

Recently, my Elder stepdaugther, has been cheecky with me, talking bad abt me to her mom, infront of the younger one, and this change of relationship happened just after I gave birth to our son. So the BM turned her girls against me and DH, telling them that we dont love them anymo since our son is born. The kids used to visit us during school holidays, now she (BM) makes excusses for them not to come,and I can see its eating up DH. I asked him to talk to her, but all shes good at is swearing, and being mean to DH bcos of me. She even said to DH shell hav to die first before she can let th B"""tch raise her girls ( referring to me) and she said only if DH can divorce me, she will let him see the girls. So yaa BMD is very tiring esp when some people expect us ( Wives) to stay out of it. How do u just saty out of it, when a bm tells your DH to leave u?

That one is easy. BM could tell my DH all day long to leave me and he'd look at her like she had three eyeballs. Well actually, he wouldn't even entertain that nonsense to begin with. As for how to handle BM trying to turn the girls on you....actually I have been feeling my 14 year old SD being a little standoffish to me lately, and I suspect it has something to do with BM. But it is really not a big deal to me. She's not my daughter. We have always had a great relationship, so if she is backing away now, I'll let her. I meet people where they are. I realize that some BMs can have mind control over THEIR own children and I accept that. It is why I said in another thread that I don't let myself get too emotionally involved with anyone's children besides my own. I love my skids to pieces, I will do anything for them, but I have always recognized that I am not their mother and that there are certain things that are out of my control as SM.

[lark]

Oh well. All that junk may work if you aren't dealing with a BM who is certifiable, has had a nervous breakdown before, has a mother who has been committed, a schizophrenic sister and a delusional husband.

[recondite]

Thing is, unless you, as SM, has legally adopted that child, you(general you) are not that child's parent at all. Marrying the father of a child does not make you a mother to said child.

I agree that marriage does not make you a parent, but I disagree with the theory that unless I adopt the child I am not a parent.

By definition a parent is a caretaker of the offspring in their own species, and a mother is a woman who has raised a child. There are no biological parameters expressed. When you go to court they specify which parents they want by saying biological parent. You can be the child's parent, but not their biological parent unless you gave them life.

I have been in a courtroom where the judge recognized me as my SD parent as well as primary caregiver. The ONLY difference, in my situation, is the biological aspect.[/color]

[jaylady999]

I agree that marriage does not make you a parent, but I disagree with the theory that unless I adopt the child I am not a parent.

So you think there is another way to be a child's parent other than giving birth to or adopting said child. I find that interesting. Please do tell.

By definition a parent is a caretaker of the offspring in their own species, and a mother is a woman who has raised a child. There are no biological parameters expressed. When you go to court they specify which parents they want by saying biological parent. You can be the child's parent, but not their biological parent unless you gave them life.

The definition of a parent (noun form) is a mother or father. The end. The definition of a parent(verb form) means to act as mother or father. That is different. So while I have parented my skids, I AM NOT THEIR PARENT. I have NO LEGAL RIGHTS to them. If anything happens to me(as in death) before they turn 18, they don't get access to my social security benefits, but my son does. They are NOT my kids. Maybe that is where you are confused.

[recondite]

The definition of a parent (noun form) is a mother or father. The end.

Untrue. Dictionary.com defines a parent (noun form) also as a protector or guardian. Wikipedia reads, again, a caretaker of the offspring in their own species. So while I am not her biological parent I am her parent nonetheless.

The definition of a parent(verb form) means to act as mother or father. That is different. So while I have parented my skids, I AM NOT THEIR PARENT. I have NO LEGAL RIGHTS to them. If anything happens to me(as in death) before they turn 18, they don't get access to my social security benefits, but my son does. They are NOT my kids. Maybe that is where you are confused.

I am not confused. I am not saying that I gave birth to my SD or that I have any legal rights to her. That is for her biological parents. I AM saying that I AM her parent by definition. Maybe YOUR definition doesn't coincide with what the dictionary reads, but that is your opinion and not fact. You can't take one part of the definition and leave out the rest just because it doesn't fit your views.[/color]

[jaylady999]

Do you have biological children of your own?

[Calen]

I totally agree with this post BECAUSE it applies to people who CAN have this kind of relationship. I just experienced this kind of peace in the last 6 months and my husband has 2 by 2 women. The little girl, her mom and I are completely cordial FOR the child and we even get custody of her, next week, because her mom was losing it, as she put it. We spoke about some things and she knew that I would care for her daughter the with the best heart. At least she realized, no matter how long it took, that I was just trying to be a step-parent and not her parent. The little boys mom....................well, you can't fix everything. She took my husband to court for an increase in CS and tried to tell them that he had only picked up his son twice in a year. Well, to her surprise, I documented EVERY visit AND took cellphone pics that showed the date as a file. Our records proved 62 days so there was no in the middle OR taking her word for it. She hates me more BUT we got advice from a lawyer 2 years ago when the issues started. See, I'm my husbands helpmate too. They REDUCED it by $200.00!!! We're still gonna do for him BUT she screwed herself by trying to be evil. To each her own BUT your post encouraged me and I'm proud of you for trying. All I've ever tried to do was what's best. My husband can take care of his business but there's just something about a nurturer in a woman, especially when the SC is a girl. We do the most in bonding with them. I absolutely LOVE my SD and her hair, clothes, female needs and chats about pop-head boys are what she depends on me for when I have her. Now, she'll live with us and I told her mom that she can come get her ANY weekend she wanted because I know that it had to be hard to tell us she needed help AND, temporarily, let her daughter go. If they're not with the mom they NEED to be with their father. It really kills me how some women will take child support, let the child visit whenever and when it comes down to something tragic and the father just happens to be decent, a BM won't allow the child to go with the father when he's moved on. They would rather burden a grandparent.

[jaylady999]

My husband can take care of his business but there's just something about a nurturer in a woman, especially when the SC is a girl. We do the most in bonding with them.

Are you really suggesting that you've bonded with your stepdaughter more than your husband has bonded with his own daughter....BECAUSE SHE IS A GIRL? SMDH.

Right about now I am very thankful for two things.

1. That my son's father is the great father that he is and that he doesn't need a woman to facilitate his relationship with his own kid.

2. That my husband is also the great father that he is and that he doesn't need me to help facilitate his relationship with his children. Neither the boy nor the girl. He's combed her hair, he's played dolls with her, he's taken her shopping to help her pick out her clothes. All of this was when she was younger. But he definitely bonded more with his own child than I ever could.

I am very close with both of my skids, but not ever as close as their own father is to them. That is ridiculous.

[Deleted]

I havent read all of this because there is quite a bit to read but I do have one thing to say. Giving birth or adoption is MOST DEFINATELY NOT the only way to be a "parent" LOL infact that is one of the most ignorant things Ive heard. Matter of fact...just because you have given birth DOESNT make you a mother AT ALL! Marriage most CERTAINLY DOES make you a child's parent! STEP parent yes, but none the less-a PARENT of that child. No one on here makes the rules as to what makes someone a parent, REALLY its all a matter of opinion.

[jaylady999]

Giving birth or adoption is MOST DEFINATELY NOT the only way to be a "parent" LOL infact that is one of the most ignorant things Ive heard. Matter of fact...just because you have given birth DOESNT make you a mother AT ALL! Marriage most CERTAINLY DOES make you a child's parent! STEP parent yes, but none the less-a PARENT of that child. No one on here makes the rules as to what makes someone a parent, REALLY its all a matter of opinion.

Yeah it really is a matter of opinion. A woman who gives birth and never signs her rights away is still a parent. How good of a parent she is is a different story, but she is still a parent. And ewww!! Marrying a person does not at all make you a child's parent. Legal process does in fact make the rules. If you marry my son's father, you are no more my child's parent than the man on the moon. That might be a hard pill for the "wanna be mother" SMs out there, but it is absolutely the truth. Again, according to family court, there is no room for opinion on this FACT.