Why do we (the new women) let the BM consume us?

[TheNewMrs]

I was just wondering why we let these ignorant BM's bother us so much! Is it because we're thinking more about the bad things they're doing to our men or IS IT REALLY the bad things they do to us? Do we get outraged so much that it is damaging to our relationships because of US? I know that women have this outrage when it comes to people doing our men wrong. I think another thing is that WOMEN KNOW WOMEN! What do you think?

[theonlymrs]

I used to become enraged at things BM did to invade our privacy or that were disrespectful to me. I can care less what she does to SO because he is grown and can take care of himself. When she got someone to give her info about DH's military records, it annoyed me. I reported it and she was fired. I don't react to her trying to get close to SO anymore because he stops it at the door. I think she now realizes that the ship has sailed. He doesn't give her the time of day...Its comical now.

[jaylady999]

Girl, I wasn't free until I stopped letting stuff involving BM even move me. If it's none directly to me, then I don't make it my problem. Free at last. Life has never been better!

[carteblanche]

It's been a lonnngg while since I've been on this site.. but I have to agree with Jaylady. You have to let the anger and resentment go. I remember blatantly telling my DH not to involve me in their matters ever again. I will be there to support him and the kids, but their Drama is just that Their Drama not mine, it may sound selfish but outta site is out of mind for me & I've been much happier lately. I'm sure time has helped in our issue as well, but when I stopped focusing on my husband and his life's issues & started focusing on my own life & my future, where I was headed, my joy and happiness is when my husband started to take notice and followed suit. DH stopped letting his BM consume our lives & things were so much better since he has developed some control. Hope this comment helps..

[jaylady999]

Yes, absolutely! I had to literally remove myself mentally from the situation that involved BM. Life is great! LOL

[ladyqb]

If DH and BM issue doesn't directly affect me (money, time or etc.) then I don't need or want to know about it. Free at last, free at last.

[missb]

i think everything that you said is right sometimes i get so mad at her why cant we all get along i even thought it was going to end when bm and i talked out somethings but i was wrong it was only good for a month now shes tell the kid i stole her dad away from her family it brakes my heart but i know in time the lil girl will find out the truth about things (i hope) but its also funny how she told me she doesnt care about us being together that shes glad she moved on even got a new bf but why she still tell everyone i stole bd from there family and even telling the kid that??? makes no sense she must be hurt still even after braking up with him 6yrs ago and bd and i being together 5yrs

[not any more]

I use to get so jealous because I thought my boyfriend still had a thang for his bm, but i had to see that he just being civil, so he can see his kids, but she was bugging at first when she found out he had a steady lady in his life, we had our 1 time meeting, and she saw I wasn't no hood rat, I was a responsible intelligent woman, and i haven't had any problem since.

[kandi89]

lord if this doesnt hit the nail on the head for me. Ive been in a relationship with my SO for 5 years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship but we also have 2 children together. My life has been made hell by his dealings with his baby momma. She locked him up for dropping his daughter off too early after she had a rough night of partying. shes called me to tell me things he said to her about me or our relationship, shes withheld his daughter from him so she can get whatever out of him. her latest stunt involved us calling an exterminator to come to our house to check for bugs i KNEW we did not have. Im a neat freak and im scared to death of bugs, I would have known d**n well if we had "bed bugs" or whatever the hell she accused us of having. Im sickened by her. Shes turned her daughter into a miniature version of her. and every weekend that he has his daughter its hellacious. she spews drama where ever she goes. she tells her mother everything that happens in our house so then that gets used by BM to keep SO away from his daughter. Our relationship is awful because of this woman. He has no court ordered visitations because he cant get a leg up on this woman before she cuts him down. I want to leave. I want to get out of this God forsaken relationship. Im on anti depressants as of late because I cant handle everything in our lives. Including this woman. She affects everything we do. And what makes it worse is that SO doesnt have the guts to stand up to her because hes afraid she will snatch his daughter away from him for good. (or hes just afraid to go to court w. her)..either way...he doesnt stand up to her at all. she rules his life and thus, im stuck under her thumb too. any advice?

[Chrissa]

I hate to tell you this but it doesn't get easier. I'm only 3 years in, but I feel you. We have court papers for custody, but not child support. My guy is too scared that she'll take him for every penny. She probably will, so this will never end. Just my own piece of advice, coming from being in therapy and about to get on drugs too...just be honest with him. End the cycle of hate, by promising yourself that you will not be like this woman.
As for your own sanity also promise yourself to be honest. If your man doesn't sit with you and listen to you (even though he may not take action) he's nothing but a POS himself. If he cuts you off and doesn't listen to your plan, your complaints, or your venting, then cut him off too. Don't be mad he doesn't take action; that's a give-in. This country and their divorce court matters suck and are unfair. However do be massively concerned about the direction of your relationship, if he doesn't listen to everything you have to say. Even if he has heard the complaint a million times, it doesn't matter! He should listen to it 1,000,001 times.
Best advice: Mind your own! If you're not happy with him disregarding your feelings and complains, then you need to leave. Bottom line if my man ever once said that I add to his stress, time for me to be outs! Because I'm not about to be dismissed, disregarded, or treated like trash because he doesn't have time to listen. The reason I see a therapist is my own low self esteem issues and confidence problems, I no longer allow this woman to act in control of me. I do not fear her, and CHOOSE not to interact with her EVER. When she uses her daughter to make me feel bad, I remind myself consistently that it's okay because I am better than that lady, and feel free to say that to the kid. Honestly, kids need to grow up and realize that in this world, they are not number one in everyone's heart. It's a way of beefing up their backbones, because it's obvious this country tears away at people's backbones.

[truthbtold]

Jul 27, 2013 21:47:02 GMT -5 @kandi89 said:

lord if this doesnt hit the nail on the head for me. Ive been in a relationship with my SO for 5 years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship but we also have 2 children together. My life has been made hell by his dealings with his baby momma. She locked him up for dropping his daughter off too early after she had a rough night of partying. shes called me to tell me things he said to her about me or our relationship, shes withheld his daughter from him so she can get whatever out of him. her latest stunt involved us calling an exterminator to come to our house to check for bugs i KNEW we did not have. Im a neat freak and im scared to death of bugs, I would have known d**n well if we had "bed bugs" or whatever the hell she accused us of having. Im sickened by her. Shes turned her daughter into a miniature version of her. and every weekend that he has his daughter its hellacious. she spews drama where ever she goes. she tells her mother everything that happens in our house so then that gets used by BM to keep SO away from his daughter. Our relationship is awful because of this woman. He has no court ordered visitations because he cant get a leg up on this woman before she cuts him down. I want to leave. I want to get out of this God forsaken relationship. Im on anti depressants as of late because I cant handle everything in our lives. Including this woman. She affects everything we do. And what makes it worse is that SO doesnt have the guts to stand up to her because hes afraid she will snatch his daughter away from him for good. (or hes just afraid to go to court w. her)..either way...he doesnt stand up to her at all. she rules his life and thus, im stuck under her thumb too. any advice?

Advice? Leave. You are on antidepressants . I mean.....hello. He doesn't stand up to her. This will not get better, don't even hope or think that for a minute. Be out. Oh, why or how is she calling you? Why any contact?

[jaylady999]

Good question.

[bshaffer12]

Hello. I'm new to this site and I want to explain the situation. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and I knew coming in that he had a son. I love kids so I didn't mind. He has full custody temporarily and warned me in the beginning that BM was an awful person who would lie to me and try to ruin what we have. She is married and just had another baby so I didn't see why she would need to mess with our relationship. I was so wrong. I met her and she seemed alright. I wasn't going to try to be her friend but I wanted to be civil for him and his son. A few months in and she started. She told me that they were still married and that he was abusive and cheated all the time and that he lied and said she did drugs and that's how he stole her son because he didn't want to pay child support. But a judge wouldn't give the father custody if he didn't have a good reason to. It has been awful ever since. She is always making rude comments about me to my fiancé and on FB..never to my face..BUT she will have their 4 year old son come home and tell me things that he shouldn't even be involved with. We are fighting for permanent full custody and it has been an ugly fight. She just gets to me. I'm 22 years old and this is all new to me but I love my fiancé and his son so much and I could never let her come between us. They are who I want and I just want to hear from those that have been in similar situations. She has been in and out of jail, has used their child to hurt him, chose drugs over their child.. Just so many things that a mother shouldn't do. She is so confident that she's going to get custody. I just don't know.

[truthbtold]

Aug 13, 2013 2:30:54 GMT -5 bshaffer12 said:

Hello. I'm new to this site and I want to explain the situation. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and I knew coming in that he had a son. I love kids so I didn't mind. He has full custody temporarily and warned me in the beginning that BM was an awful person who would lie to me and try to ruin what we have. She is married and just had another baby so I didn't see why she would need to mess with our relationship. I was so wrong. I met her and she seemed alright. I wasn't going to try to be her friend but I wanted to be civil for him and his son. A few months in and she started. She told me that they were still married and that he was abusive and cheated all the time and that he lied and said she did drugs and that's how he stole her son because he didn't want to pay child support. But a judge wouldn't give the father custody if he didn't have a good reason to. It has been awful ever since. She is always making rude comments about me to my fiancé and on FB..never to my face..BUT she will have their 4 year old son come home and tell me things that he shouldn't even be involved with. We are fighting for permanent full custody and it has been an ugly fight. She just gets to me. I'm 22 years old and this is all new to me but I love my fiancé and his son so much and I could never let her come between us. They are who I want and I just want to hear from those that have been in similar situations. She has been in and out of jail, has used their child to hurt him, chose drugs over their child.. Just so many things that a mother shouldn't do. She is so confident that she's going to get custody. I just don't know.

Where have I heard all of this before? *yawn* Oh yeah, this site is full of the same types of posts/comments. If you read the already many redundant threads/posts, you will be provided with some perspectives and insight.

[jaylady999]

I agree. And for the life of me I don't understand how these BMs are even allowed access to the GF/wife. Couldn't be me. If she and I have not procreated together, we really don't have anything to talk about. There is no rule that says that the BM and new chick must be friends, or even cordial for that matter. No communication, no contact is about the most guaranteed peaceful outcome to these types of situations.

I just don't see why all that communication is even necessary. It just seems to not only invite drama into the situation, but also welcome it in with open arms. I'll pass.