When will it end..........

[Denise]

I have been married for 19 months, my husbands' BM is constantly causing problems. She threathed to move our of the state because I answered MY husbands phone when she called! Just recently she called at 6am to make sure he is getting the child! Really what is all this about?

[jaylady999]

You answered his cellphone? If you did, then this is a good example of where you can keep down your end of the drama. As a SM, if BM called my husband's cellphone, she is calling to talk to him. If he is not available to answer his own phone, it goes to voicemail. She doesn't need to hear my voice. As far as her calling him at 6am? Again it's his phone. Why does it irritate you? You want to know when it ends? It ends when you let his BM be his issue to deal with. You'll feel a lot better when you remove yourself from the nonsense.

I am a BM and a SM and there are things that you can do to keep down confusion. Not answering his phone when you know it is her calling is a very good way. I'm just sayin.

[Denise]

That will be easy to do, he just informed me our marriage is over.

[jaylady999]

Wait....huh? Why?

Were you guys having other issues outside of the BM?

[adivineoriginal]

I was going to say that it never ends. You then posted that he is ending the marriage. Why? Was it about the BM issues?

[Denise]

Yes, because of this issues. She is a constant pain in I disagree. I love the child like she is my own. I have not done anything to this woman, she is just pissed because my husband does not to be in a relationship with her. She refused to allow the child in our wedding, his family tells her whatever they know about me and my children, why does it matter if I answer MY HUSBAND PHONE?! That is not a reason to threaten to take his child from him!! The sad part is his whole family feeds into this madness.

[jaylady999]

Well I agree, with his family involved, you are stacked against the odds. I am sorry that she is a pain in the arse. Not that it is relevant now, but to the BM, there is a subliminal message in you answering his phone. I am not a crazy BM. In fact, I am one of the most sane ones. I've moved on with my life, gotten married, etc etc. But even with all of that, if I call my son's father and another woman answered his private cellphone? I'd be peeved. It's his phone and if *I* am calling, it is to discuss something about our son. I don't need another woman to answer just to tell me he is not available.

Now that's me, the sane BM. Multiply that by 20 for the insane BM and that is all the reason in the world to not answer the man's phone when he is not available. I've never in 11 yrs answered my husbands cellphone when I knew BM was the one calling. I have nothing to discuss with her and there is no need for her to even hear my voice. I stay out of it altogether. Keeps things very simple.

[Denise]

I understand what you are saying however I do not agree. I am also a "sane" BM, when I call my BD and his finacee answers I do not get upset with her nor do I get annoyed. For what? There is no reason to (she has not done a single to me). She will simply explain he is busy or something to that affect, I say ok have him call me, she replies ok. Click

My husband and I answer each others phone (it has nothing to do with anyone but us, we are comfortable with that). She is also the person that got pissed when she saw our family portrait at his mothers house.....come one REALLY??? Get over it!

[adivineoriginal]

From what you have presented, she seems to be the problem. It's time for her to grow up and act accordingly. I totally agree that her threats because you answered your husband's phone is beyond ridiculous, however I can understand Jaylady's point as well. It's not like it's a house phone, it's a person's personal phone but, some couples have that type of relationship where they answer their partner's cell phones. From the perspective of just keeping down silliness, since you know what you are dealing with when it comes to her. His family's behavior definitely doesn't help and they should stay out of it. So what's the status of you guys? You mentioned that he was ending the marriage because of the issues.

[friendlyadvice]

I have been married to a man with outside kids for over 15 years ànd it has been very difficult dealing with the BM. The best advice that I can give is to not deal with her. Don't answer her phone calls if you recognize her number. Don't have any communication, PERIOD. It works for me. The BM used to stress me out with her foolishness but now I feel no stress because she isn't my concern. Now she isn't even DH's concern because his kid is 18 now and he deals strictly with the now adult. God is good all the time!!!

Hopefully you and your DH will work on your marriage but you can begin by figuring out what you can do to make it better. If you know that the BM drama is causing stress to your marriage, try to minimuze it. If the BM knows that she is/can cause a divide in your marriage she will continue the drama. You & your DH must present a United front, otherwise the BM will try to divide and conquer.

You can do that by letting the BM deal with your DH exclusively. If there is something that you need to know trust your DH to discuss it with you. Good luck to you.

[jaylady999]

I understand what you are saying however I do not agree. I am also a "sane" BM, when I call my BD and his finacee answers I do not get upset with her nor do I get annoyed. For what? There is no reason to (she has not done a single to me). She will simply explain he is busy or something to that affect, I say ok have him call me, she replies ok.

As SM, I don't see the purpose. His vm would serve a much better purpose than I ever could. I would NEVER want to be the go between when it comes to my husband and his kid's mother. Not my place. Never has been. Never will be. I don't have anything to prove to BM. She knows I exist. She knows I am his wife. Me answer his phone does what? Create negative energy where it doesn't need to be. It's just not that serious.


My husband and I answer each others phone (it has nothing to do with anyone but us, we are comfortable with that). She is also the person that got pissed when she saw our family portrait at his mothers house.....come one REALLY??? Get over it!

Yeah that is very silly and childish. But when it comes to that kind of stuff, BM getting mad or pissy about it is her problem. I don't even entertain that type of nonsense. She's mad, oh well. However, where I can uninvolve myself, I do. Answering his phone is definitely one area that I choose not to involve myself. Not for BM’s sake, but for my own. I don't want to be a part of any of his dealings with her, up to and including speaking with her. We have nothing to talk about. Period.

[jaylady999]

I have been married to a man with outside kids for over 15 years ànd it has been very difficult dealing with the BM. The best advice that I can give is to not deal with her. Don't answer her phone calls if you recognize her number. Don't have any communication, PERIOD. It works for me

It works beautifully for me as well

[Krissy]

I've been married for two years to a man who has two older kids by two women. One, I get along with. The other needs a prescription to ignorance. There are certain things that people can do in marriages, like answering each others phones, that others can't. Forget that that is his BM. You are his wife and you invest in those kids too. He wouldn't/shouldn't have married you if he wanted to keep you out of that situation. It's just like giving the BM a pacifier and letting her get her way. Your husbands job is to keep you happy, not keep the BM comfortable. Screw her IFFFFF your are and equally wonderful part of that child's life with him. What most women (BM's) don't realize is that, when there is a new WIFE in the picture and they have the child's best interest at heart, sometimes we are willing to work with them more than the BD's. Most of the time, there is so much old tension between the BM and BD that sound decisions are never made. Screw confusion!!!!! Wife and husband should be equal parts, dealing with everything, including the stepchildren that they both care for. When it all boils down, a BM asking for money doesn't fully realize that some things they ask for come out of joint bank accounts or solely from the new wife's pocket, seeing that child support consumes a good part of the BD's checks. As far as a BM getting mad at a wife answering a phone?? If your marriage is built right, screw her too!!! That's how your marriage is built and your husband can do whatever the hell he wants. If the welfare of the child is 1st and the new wife has never done anything to YOU, why get mad?? In the end, the Bm's that get mad are the one's who haven't let go or haven't been able to go on; especially if the wife has done nothing to you. What the hell is wrong with speaking to your child's stepparent, especially if they're helping. The BM's that don't respect the wife should be dealt with by the husband. My husband dealt with his by insisting that she call the house first, the his cell.. She disobeyed and he changed his cell number, making her call mine. He was not playing with her because most of the time she didn't want anything or was picking a uncalled for argument. I love it because it makes him seem sexy as hell to me. If I'm equally investing time and money into him, it's my direct business too. But........ that's me and my fabulous man Some women just won't get it through their thick skulls.

[jaylady999]

Her way? I don't care one bit about BM and getting her way. I won't answer his phone because she and I don't have jack to talk about. Either he is available to talk, to which he can answer his own phone for her, or he isn't, to which the vm will be her friend and she can leave a message.

Being a man's wife does not entitle a woman to get all up in the business and on the phone of said man and the woman he had children with. My DH shares pretty much everything with me, half of the stuff I don't even care to know because he is such a good father, he doesn't need my help in that area, and I doubt I would have married him if he did. But clearly some SMs feel differently. And then come to this site wondering why they have so much drama coming from the BM. Some of that nonsense can be mitigated by the SM. Believe it or not, by doing silly things (like answering his cellphone) just because as his wife, you CAN, actually shows that you (general you) clearly want the drama. Guess what? I don't. I make sure to stay out of all direct dealings with BM and I have zero issues with drama in my situation. It almost seems that some SMs feel the need to mark their territory when it comes to their husbands. I am definitely glad I am secure enough in my marriage to stay completely in the background when it comes to my husband and his children's mother, all while having a completely fulfilling relationship with my skids. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Well this is where we differ. MY husband's job is not only to be an awesome husband(which he is), but it is also to parent his children. Stand up to the woman he had children with and they figure out how to coexist in the parenting realm for the sake of THEIR children.

There is NOTHING equal about my relationship when it comes to my skids as it relates to either parent (mother or father) and I won't pretend like it is. They are not my kids!!! They have two parents. As for me? I support DH in all ways possible, and I love thee hell out of those kids. But I have enough sense to not equate myself to my skids mother on ANY level. One trip to a court of law, and you will quickly find out where you legally stand in that entire situation. LOL. Yall can have that silly drama, but just own your part in it and stop putting all of it on the BM.

BM in my sitch does not EVER have to speak to me. It doesn't make a difference to me. My relationship is with my skids. I don't expect her gratitude about anything that I do for her children. I dont do it for her. I do it for them and for my DH.

And as BM, let me say, who I EXPECT to do things for my son is his father. He's done it just fine for years with no wife, so if he down the line gets married and his wife feels I am supposed to feel some kind of way about things she does for my son, she can miss me. I can take care of my son perfectly well, and so can his father So in my particular situation, anything a SM does for my son is because she wants to, and not because she has to, so to suggest that I should feel grateful for any of it?? Yeah ok. If she is looking for me to be happy that she does things for my son, she might as well stop doing them. If I am supposed to be grateful that she likes my son or takes an interest in him, I'll just say, that part is in her best interest if she plans to remain in a relationship with my sons father. None of it has anything to do with me...PERIOD. LOL For you to think that BM should actually be appreciative that you say you help him pay his OBLIGATED child support is beyond laughable to me.

I am 1000% sure that my DH is eternally grateful for the things I do for my skids, and I do quite a lot. HE thanks me all the time. My teenage skids thank me too. But BM? I don't expect for one minute a thank you from her. She doesn't have to. When you do things for the right reasons, you don't look for recognition from certain people. BM? Not even important enough to my life for me to expect gratitude from her. That's just the way it is.

By the way, you think it's sexy that your husband clearly couldn't be man enough to deal with his own BM, so he put her off on you? I call that being a coward. There is nothing sexy about that. Nothing. He had children with her, he should figure out how to deal with her and her stupid drama and not put it off on you. I don't care if BM called my husband a hundred times a day and didn't want anything at all, as a man, he will find a way to work around it WITHOUT giving her my phone number and having me deal with his issues with her. That is completely ridiculous. BM in my sitch? She doesn't even have the home number. She can ONLY call his cell. My home is my sanctuary and I don't want her calling it messing up my energy. No thanks. DH deals with that very well on his own. Now THAT is sexy. The end. ;D

[recondite]

I recently had a similar situation occur. BM called DH cell at 7:30AM to talk to my SD. DH told her never to do it again and, after a brief argument of why this is unacceptable, the situation is done. I'm a bit confused as to why it has gone as far as moving out of state and the end of a marriage. It sounds as though there may have been something else brewing here and this was just the icing on the cake.