Male Point of View

[gemmani]

This was posted on another thread by Coolbrofromthenaughtysouth. It's not too often we get the male's perspective on BMD, so I thought it would be best to post his comment on its own thread.
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Re: Staying in the Drama
« Reply #15 Today at 4:31pm »

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It seems that i may be the first male to respond on this site, which I found by mistake....

I mean this with MUCH love to all of you women who are going through the BM SYNDROME....

Anyway... I am a 42 year old male with three sons....and it saddens me to see how most women have such low self-esteem, when it comes to men that y'all TOLERATE any and everything, just not to be alone. To the point that y'all fight and DOG each other and keep HIM innocent when 9 times out of 10, he is NOT!!!!!

My oldest son, is by a woman who I did not marry. When I met my wife the mother of my other 2 sons (my oldest son was 6), my BM tried to act-up, but "I DID NOT ALLOW IT! I NIPPED THAT SHT in the BUD! Do ya here me WOMEN! d**n it's not HARD!!!!!!! but HEEEEEEE has to do IT! TRUST WHAT I SAY!!!

1. Any MAN who claims that he can not Control his BM is LYING...Trust what I say WOMEN, it is still something there...how deep, well that depends on their situation.

2. You Women set YOURSELVES up for aggravation, when you decide to DATE a MAN who just broke up with his BM, have infant toddler children, show signs that he has no respect for his BM (what makes u think he is going to have respect for you, I don't care what he's putting in your head, Trust what I say).

3. I made it CLEAR to MY BM that I did not want her anymore in front of her family and my family (She cheated on me) and that she WILL respect my relationship and that if she tried to KEEP MY SON away. I would do everything legally possible to get full custody. That was the END of her ALMOST DRAMA!

4. WOMEN BE VERY CAREFUL that your MEN have strong and VALID REASON for LEAVING his BM.....BECAUSE you are not SOOO pretty and pus is NOT so SWEET that he won't TREAT you the same WAY. TRUST what I SAY. HIS MENTALITY is HIS MENTALITY and only GOD can change THAT

Love and PEACE to you ALL!
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Preach on, brother.

[tellit]

It is great to get a man's prospective. He is right about a lot of the things that he said. SOME of the posts are about women fighting over a man and he is doing them both wrong.
But MOST posts are from women whose man has truly moved on but the BM hasn't.

[CoolBrofromdanaughtysouth]

???tellit.... I am talking DIRECTLY to the women on this post who THINKS that their MAN moved on and his BM did not...

I reiterate.. 1. Any MAN who claims that he can not Control his BM is LYING...Trust what I say WOMEN, it is still something there...how deep, well that depends on their situation.

I don't care if she tries that psychotic CRAP he can NIP it in the BUD if he really wanted to...... Many women deal with men who have the " I DON"T WANT TO SYNDROME" when it comes to his BM, and y'all don't even REALIZE it.......

1. The Man either don't want to because...if he get her arrested,
HE DON'T want become a 24hr parent to that child...HIS total FREEDOM will be taken (AS sad as this may be, many MEN are like this. I don't care how good of a father they are. Many prefer weekly visits opposed to indefinite STAYS).

2. (Depending on the situation) The Man don't want to because...if he takes her to court most likely he will have to pay child support and he could barely support his self...so HE DON'T STOP her CRAP....however still NOT a good enough reason.

3. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.....I know many MEN like this, although he may NOT want to BE with their BM anymore, WOMEN FACE IT they may STILL have HEART for her and HE WON"T EVER ADMIT IT TO YOU....That's ONLY SHARED AMONGST MEN. The biggest test to this is when the BM does move ON and gets Married and/or starts dating someone seriously. Yes, your man should be concerned because his child is under the same roof. But if because a bit too much concerned...RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG.

The Moral of what I am saying, is that if your man loves and respects you as the QUEENS all of YOU ARE.... He would make SURE that Nothing or NO ONE HURTS or STRESSES you, BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY....and ANYTHING LESS is a RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG....and you WOMEN ALWAYS OVERLOOK ALL of the RED FLAGS that I Believe that GOD Shows you, Just for the sake of having the company of a MAN. Sweet HEART.....LOVE DOES NOT HURT NOR STRESS YOU OUT........Check the Definition!

[gemmani]

I completely agree with this post. Ladies, you know the difference. Your man has moved on and his heart is fully invested in you VS. He acts like a whipped little boy when it comes to BM. The REAL men don't put up with any crap from BM. REAL men don't allow BM to disrespect you or your marriage. It may suck to hear it, but Coolbro has some very good points.

[CoolBrofromdanaughtysouth]

One more thought... 99.9% of this thread are created and or responses from women....WHY are Y"ALL STRESSED OVER HIS MESS!

HE should have enough love and respect FOR YOU, that NOT ONE IODA of his BM's DRAMA GETS TO YOU in any form at all!

IF MY BM THOUGHT ABOUT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT MY WIFE, I CHECKED HER....MY BM KNOWS THAT I LOVE AND RESPECT MY WIFE AND THAT THERE WAS NOTHING SHE COULD DO ABOUT IT...AND MY WIFE KNOWS THAT MY BM KNOWS THAT...CASE CLOSED!


MAKE HIM TAKE CARE OF IT....if he can't/or won't...RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG! THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY!

LOVE AND PEACE TO EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!

STOP HATING AND START EMBRACING!

[jaylady999]

While I appreciate your view point and plausibly agree with the majority of it, I think its nearly impossible for you to make such a strong generalization regarding men who have children with one woman and now dating, living with, or married to another. This is not the cut and dry issue that your post seems to claim it is. To say that in all situations where there is BM drama, the man is the cause, I can agree that he is, but it doesnt necessarily have to be because he is promoting this behavior from her. Some of these men have truly moved on, while the BM has not. Some of these men cannot afford to (in time or money that would be spent in court) to go the legal route. Sometimes they think that she will eventually get over it, which 9 times out of 10 it doesnt go quite that way.

Your situation was seamingly cut and dry. She cheated, you left. Everyone's is not such the case. My DH spent a lot of his adolescent years running back and forth between his now BM and plenty of other women so by the time he met me and we started to get serious, he was dealing with a lot of guilt issues. Not becuz he wanted her, but becuz he was ashamed of how wrong he did her in their past years. Some of the guilt spilled over into how much he would let her get away with when it concerned their children. It eventually subsided and our situation is one where they are amicable with the children even though she is not particularly fond of me. Well no me per se, but who I represent her BD's life. But whatever. Her problem not mine.

So I can respect what you say and agree with the majority of it, but its just not as cut and dry as you make it seem. I actually do applaud your stance and how you handled your own situation. Carry on

[gemmani]

Good point Jaylady (as usual)

[CoolBrofromdanaughtysouth]

???jaylady999...Although the situation may be different, the SOLUTION is CUT AND DRY....either a MAN is going to stand-up to his BM or he is NOT and if he chooses NOT to, women need to pay attention to that RED FLAG!

NO, he should not ever be disrespectful in how in let's BM know WHERE SHE STANDS WITH HIM. But nonetheless, HEEEEEE has to LET HER KNOW.

As far as court expenses and time, THAT"S CRAP. For one, that's what D.A.'s are for (a District Attorney-D.A. is paid by the city or state they represent) so the person who the D.A. represents PAYS NOTHING! As far as making TIME to get a NAGGING BM off his back, then Sweetheart, U better believe....IF HE REALLY WANTED HER OFF HIS BACK HE WOULD MAKE THE TIME.

Women I hate seeing y'all hurt, but y'all need to STOP making EXCUSES for us MEN and call a SPADE A SPADE. Somtimes the TRUTH HURTs, but it is better to HURT now than later. We ALL know when someone is really into US and we all know when someone is NOT, male and or female. IF HE IS NOT MAKING A MOVE TO STOP HIS BM, Then there is a problem and YOU should definitely know the TRUTH but you are NOT the one to SOLVE IT....HE IS...........HELLO!

One thing amongst many that I will ALWAYS respect about my wife, was when she made the decision to be with me...SHE STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME TO HANDLE MY BUSINESS WITH MY BM and she better not have to come out of her character for any reason concerning HER or else her and I would be done...... and I, you hear me Ladies, IIIIIIII made sure she didn't have to come out of her character either. But what turned me ON about that was willing to put up with ANY OF MY CRAP and Love that to this day about her. YES women, some of us men LOVE AND ADMIRE STRONG WOMEN. I can only PRAYthat y'all feel the same about yourselves.

I am NOT saying that BD's provoke BM'S behavior. WHAT I am saying is that HE CAN D@MN SURE STOP IT, if HE REALLY wanted to!!!!! and YOU WOMEN should NOT believe ANYTHING DIFFERENT. STOP MAKING EXECUSES.

Love and Peace!

[CoolBrofromdanaughtysouth]

I apologize....I meant.....MY Wife was NOT WILLING to put up with any of my CRAP.

[jaylady999]

see you are only speaking from YOUR point of view, which is expected. and while i am not making up excuses for these men, becuz at the end of the day, these are situations that they have created for themselves, you have to understand that when a man is faced with the possibility of not being able to be in his child's life and see his child as he should be able to, some decisions can be made that may not be the wisest of options. he can let his BM know where she stands all day long, at the end of the day, she still has the power to make it difficult for him to be in their childs life. a man can "stand up" all day long, but with the court system already on the side of the mother generally, he is fighting an uphill battle to begin with. and this i know from working with the child support offices and courts. they are on the side of mother automatically and it is the mother who can make a situation a positive one or negative one. i dont care what nobody says

court expenses and time is CRAP to someone who can afford the time and money to do so. my DH didnt and doesnt have a problem with the $$ part of it, but his job does not allow him the time required to be taking off work to go back and forth to court all becuz his BM has not moved on with her life. and we all know from this website alone, a court order doesnt even guarantee him seeing his chidl anyway. the BM can still do what she wants to do, just becuz SHE CAN.

i am not making excuses for anybody, especially my DH. i saw with my own eyes what he went through due to a woman who can not see past her own feelings for the sake of her child. i didnt attempt to solve any of their issues, any and every post you will ever read from me in this forum clearly states, i dont deal with my DH BM and i never will. thats his thing to deal with, not mine. i had this attitude as his girlfriend, as his fiance, and now even as his wife.

again, your situation worked becuz you worked it, but you cannot blanket your statement to cover all BM & BD situations. thats like saying that all black people are lazy.

[CoolBrofromdanaughtysouth]

???jaylady999....U R getting upset....and actually that's a good thing, because if I had stepped on your toes and YOU know that you are dealing with somebody with SHADINESS....then I can only PRAY that you are STRONG ENOUGH AND SMART ENOUGH TO LET GO!

and for the record...MY POINT OF VIEW COMES FROM MY EXPERIENCE FROM MY MALE PEERS....AND THIS IS THE VERY REASON WHY MEN DO NOT RESPOND THESE SITES...BECAUSE moST OF YOU WOMEN...NOW COMPREHEND, i SAID MOST NOT ALL, CAN'T HANDLE HONESTY FROM US MEN....Y'ALL FLIP OUT AS YOU ARE!

LOOK BABY GIRL....I GOT MY WIFE AND YOU AR STILL TRYING TO BE ONE AND I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THE BD WHO YOU ARE WITH DOES NOT HURT YOU....BECAUSE YOU SERIOUSLY GOT A LOT TO LEARN....

SOME OF YOU WOMEN ARE TOOOOOO EMOTIONAL AND AND TAKE EVERYTHING THE WRONG WAY. TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON.

GEMMANI ( BEAUTIFUL NAME) BLESS YOU FOR TRYING TO HELP WOMEN WHO DEAL WITH BM'S OUT. I TRIED TO GIVE A MAN'S POINT OF VIEW BUT IT IS...WHAT IT IS!

WHEN A MAN TRULY LOVES A WOMAN, HE WILL NOT ALLOW ANY DRAMA IN HER LIFE AND ANYTHING ELSE IN BETWEEN IS A REDFLAG, TRUST WHAT I SAY! TAKE THIS TO THE BANK OR TAKE IT TO PRAYER AND I BET YOU WON'T CHANGE ON EITHER

PEACE!

[jaylady999]

Aug 5, 2008 15:51:17 GMT -5 @CoolBrofromdanaughtysouth said:

???jaylady999....U R getting upset....and actually that's a good thing, because if I had stepped on your toes and YOU know that you are dealing with somebody with SHADINESS....then I can only PRAY that you are STRONG ENOUGH AND SMART ENOUGH TO LET GO!

are you kidding? you have to be. so now my DH is shady? any of the little credibility you did have went out the window with that statement alone. LOL

i am not flipping out on your statements sweetheart, only on your generlizations. and for the record, i am already married to the man you accused of being shady. thank you very much. i see you dont comprehend very well as i stated that in my previous post.

[CoolBrofromdanaughtysouth]

:-Xjaylady999...oops my bad....i apologize i didn't realize you married to him...however, you are definetly still MAKING EXCUSES and you are sooooo missed informed about the COURT SYSTEM, grant its NOT a good SYSTEM AT ALL...but there is NO WAY in HELL that she could make his life miserable if HE DOESN"T ALLOW it. The COURTS are not always on the WOMAN side, I know 3 women who pay child support.

WORK comes with personal days, So What, he has to take a day off EVERY SIX MONTHS (Family COURT takes a while and they do NOT schedule HEARINGS back to back.... based on what you're saying it seems that he's NOT trying or he too is being misformed on how to get BM off his back and just take care of his child/children...... well I probably got cursed out by now anyway, but again I do apologize i din't know y'all were married, best of luck.

Peace!

[jaylady999]

first off, the problems of which you speak, I dont have with my husbands BM becuz I dont allow myself to. and secondly, there is nothing you can tell me about the court system, with me having worked in it. and again, i didnt disagree with what you said, all i am saying to you is that you cannot make those generalizations and come up in here and tell all these women that their boyfriends, fiance's, and husbands aint about a lot when in reality, maybe he just does know know what to do. your circumstances are not everyone else's. i am glad you nipped yours in the bud, but you give the impression that you come in here on a high horse because you did and pointing fingers at all other men who may be having a harder time doing so. but i get your point and we dont have to go back and forth. the purpose of this website is to help other ladies who are going through the same things as it relates to BM drama and of course a man's opinion is welcomed. but finger pointed and playing the name blame game should not be. THE END

[gemmani]

One thing.......Jaylady IS a wife. Oops....jay already said that.

I don't see this situation really happening with the ladies on this board. I thought that Coolbro's post really benefits other forums I read through. I copied it to post to another forum because they desperately needed to read it. What he said applies with those ladies to the 5th power. They ALL complain about how their DHs don't back them or support them, so I thought this post addressed that perfectly.

On the other hand, BECAUSE the men establish boundaries with BM, then she starts really acting out, because then it becomes revenge. DHs can protect us from the BRUNT of the drama, but regardless it affects us too.
We get hurt because our DHs are hurt. We love our skids, too. When BM plays her games with the kids, it affects emotions, not to mention whatever schedule we may have planned. Plus, when our BM starts her sh*t, fiance comes to ME to talk about it. I don't involve myself literally in the drama, but it does affect me. It pisses me off, and it makes me mad, so I come here to vent.
I create no problems, except for the fact that I exist. I can't help that. I can't help that she wants him back. I don't speak to her at all. All I do is help him with the kids when they are there. I guess the problem is that they love me. Ooops, my bad...........
Some BMs will continue to do whatever they want, and try to cause as much problems as they want, no matter what DH says to them. But as long as DH doesn't appease them or cater to them, then all is good. As far as I can tell, the DHs here are very suppotive. But BM is still a nut, hence this forum.