Male Point of View

[jaylady999]

again, no one said he was wrong in what he was saying. i am saying that it aint right for him to generalize. i have seen my DH BM all of 3 times in the 7 years me and him have been together and that is so fine with me. she is not now, nor has she ever been a threat to me. in fact, the fact that i didnt respond to her antics is what finally made her crawl back in her hole and sit. it took a couple of years, but with no response from me or him, she really didnt have a choice.

i can say in all honestly that becuz they have known one another since he was 15 y/o that there were feelings there for her. i would expect there to be, hell he had 2 children with her. if he didnt have some sort of feeling for her, i'd seriously question the man i married. but by the same token, those feelings were not enough to keep them together and no I am not thinking i am a better woman that she is, i am just thinking that their adolescent relationship had no choice but to take a turn when as they grew older and into adulthood, they grew apart.

my ONLY issue with the original post is complete and utter generization. so what my husband cannot control what his BM does and doesnt do, he has NEVER allowed her to disrespect me, but even if she tried to pull it, I wouldnt allow her to disrespect me simply becuz I dont and wont entertain anything negative. so she didnt have a chance in the world with me to begin with.

[gemmani]

Worked up over what??

Look, whenever I get pissed off at BM it has nothing to do with HER, but how she's treating my STEP KIDS.

I already said how I agree with most of Coolbro's post. But why is it that SOME people like to insinuate that BD doesn't love us as much as we think and how we must be insecure.....wtf?
So basically what you're saying is that no matter what, we should let BM say and do whatever she wants, b/c if we do, then we're showing how we are secure? Its like you are HOPING for that to be the case, which is very sad. If it makes you feel better, then whatever.

I don't have anything to prove with BM. I got my man, I am getting 3 kids who really love me, and I'm getting married. She has nothing I want. She doesn't matter to me. (See my post about dreaded first meeting) I saw her for the first time this weekend, and SHE was the one putting on an act about how she's over my fiance. SHE"S the one who couldn't bring herself to meet me.
I am very secure in the fact that my fiance loves me. I'm not the one to get married to someone who has feelings for another person. I've actually said to him that maybe he should try to make it work with her when things got difficult. I come here and vent because yeah, she works my nerves. I get pissed when I see the kids upset because they don't want their mom being mean. My fiance has told me that he wishes I was their mom instead of BM. He doesn't even like to be reminded of the fact that they were together. He tells me everyday how he can't wait for our wedding. So please, spare me.

Sorry if that bursts your bubble about our "arrogance", even though I am better for him than she was. But regardless off that, she pisses me off, like any other human being does. I have every right to vent about something that pisses me off. Comforting my skids about their mom- THAT pisses me off. Hearing how she treats them and my fiance-THAT pisses me off.

Please don't assume that you know the motivating reasons for our feelings. No matter how BD handles his BM, it still affects us because we'll be MARRIED. Period. We're partners what affects him and my skids, affects me and vice versa. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure MY FAMILY is cared for and happy.

[youknowwhatitis]

It affect's people who aren't married and that are just together or living together. I'm sorry but what you're saying to me just doesn't make sense. Yes, we all have the right to vent not imposing on that at all but how she treats your s kids. Come on now........you don't like her because she has kids by your hubby and they apparently have some kind of beef. Which is natural for a loyal spouse to feel but i mean come on.......all things in moderation.

[gemmani]

Oh really? That's why I don't like her? Glad you know me so well.

My fiance and I were friends at first. I knew he had kids. If that was really such an issue for me, I wouldn't have started a relationship with him. I wouldn't be marrying him. If I want kids, I can have them. No, I don't like how she treats my fiance at all. DUH. But whatever, she's bitter.

I suppose you are HOPING that's the reason I don't like her, some kind of jealousy. Wouldn't I not want to be around the kids because they are HER kids? Wow, unfortuantely for your way of thinking, I love those kids to death. I know they are HER kids, but they are also my fiance's kids, therefore MINE. They love me to death, so I really don't see the need to dislike her because she is their mom. I get their love regardless. So when you have these little kids crying because they are torn or because they aren't allowed to like me, that's not supposed to make me mad? When this "mother" puts her own feelings before the kids? I get mad because I feel HELPLESS, because I can't run out and save them from their own mother. Because she thinks its fine to use them for her own agenda. I've known these kids for 2 years now, and THAT"S not supposed to piss me off? How about reading my posts, am I NOT talking about the kids?

Spare me the BM bitterness.

[youknowwhatitis]

Spare me attempting to use BM as an insult....now you have made my point with BD.....if people are against you like you say she is needlessly wouldn't you be upset. Of course you said yes. So now you understand where I'm coming from. If people are against me needlessly then yes I have a right to be upset.

And I don't have to know you so well.......I'm just telling you how it sounds from the outside looking in. If i'm not right....don't be offended.

[gemmani]

IMO, it sounds like your experience with your BD colors your opinions with other situations. Idk if you are aware of it, but honestly I can FEEL the bitterness. Sorry for that.

[youknowwhatitis]

Maybe it is something I need to become aware of....but I feel some bitterness coming off your post about BM too.

[jaylady999]

I am only assuming here becuz I am not Imani, although we both travel the same BM road on a daily, but I think that the source of the "bitterness" that you feel from her posts is simply becuz its a sad day when BM cannot put aside their personal feelings for their BD and his current girlfriend/fiance/wife to a minimal for the sake for the sake of her own children. I am someone's BM as well as another man's wife so I do feel that I am definitely qualified speak to speak on this subject from both sides of the fence. As a wife, I think its ashame that I care more about my stepchildren than their own mother as it regards to watching what your say and how you behave around your own children just becuz you are "mad" or "upset" that your BD has moved on and you cant get over it. As a wife I would NEVER dare speak ill about my stepkids mother in their presence while on the other hand, this same chick doesnt care what she says or how she acts in front of her own kids regarding her BD. I could care less what she says about me, but how could you say just anything about a man you had children with in front of those same children. In my opinion, that is a form of emotional child abuse, I dont care what anybody says. Its frustrating when you can tell these babies are scared to act like they like you just cuz their mother makes them think that its wrong to do so. Hell no, whats wrong is not allowing your children to be who they are and making them think that they cannot feel how they naturally feel for a person just becuz of things they have heard their mother say. Its just sad.

As a BM myself, I've been down the single mother path and I've had the anger and the bitterness. It didnt take me long at all to realize that as long as I held myself in anger and bitterness, I was holding myself hostage from my own life. Angerness is like a disease. It festers and it builds so much until it becomes a part of the person you are and its really sad. It stops you from becoming the best you that you can be becuz you are too busy focusing on the life of the BD, so while the world still moves forward, you cannot becuz you cant let go. And thats fine if thats what it is, but I have a problem with the BM cant protect her own children from the anger she is feeling. I am not saying that the anger is not warranted, hell, I dont know. All I know is what this man told me and he may have probably been no angel as far as the relationship was concerned. But if he is trying to be the best father that he can be and is not allowed to fully do so simply becuz of bitterness from the BM and her only issue with this man is that he has "moved on" , she is doing her children a great disservice.

[gemmani]

OMG!! Jaylady, as usual, you are on point. That is EXACTLY it!! Why is it that I worry more about how things affect them than their own mother!!!!!!!!!
Why put those babies in that position?? Why is it, when my SD6 asks for her mom and I to meet, that BM can't put aside her petty feelings and do what's best for the girl??
Regardless of how I feel about her, my stepdaughter wanted us to meet, so I would JUST TO MAKE THIS SIX YEAR OLD HAPPY!! She wasn't asking for much. And it pisses me off to no end. Plus, after the recital where BM refused to meet me, I'M the one who SD came to ask about why her mom behaves like that. I WANT to say, "Because your mom's a B*TCH!!!!" Instead, I am MATURE enough to tell her that's its okay, as long as your mommy loves you and treats you well, then it doesn't matter if she likes me.
Please, BM spent that entire day talking about me. I DON'T CARE. But since the kids come to me even before their dad, I'm the one dealing with the outcome. I'm the one that explains things to them. I'm the one comforting them because they are upset that their mom was saying mean things about me. And I still defend that b*tch each and everytime. Why? Because its not about ME at this point. Those kids deserve to live their lives without hearing about adult drama. A SIX YEAR OLD SHOULD NOT BE TRYING TO FIX THE DRAMA HER MOM CREATED. I wanted to cry. All she wants is for everyone to like each other and get along.

So YES, I probably do have bitterness towards BM, but not because she's my fiance's ex. Who cares, I have exes too. He has a past, I know that, and I accept it. I know she doesn't like me, again who cares. The only things that matter to me are my fiance and the kids. And like I said, I will do whatever I need to do to keep them happy (Yes, even though the kids aren't biologically mine. They might as well be though:) ) I see the kids upset, it BURNS me, because WE are the adults and WE are the ones that are supposed to keep them safe and happy. And it burns me that their own mother is the one hurting them.

Thanks again Jaylady. You always get it.

[jaylady999]

EXACTLY! the anger towards the BM is certainly not because she is his ex, its ALWAYS because of how silly she acts and keeping the children involved in grown up issues is always a recipe for disaster. But i will tell you this, and i am not sure how old your stepdaughter is or how long you've been with your fiance, but hopefully eventually it will subside.

I went through the defending the BM stage, not for her sake, but for her childrens sake. This is their mother and really, no child should have negative feelings towards their mother, even if she is the one making it that way. As these children grow up and get older, they will realize ON THEIR OWN what time it is with their mother. You can only pray for her in situations such as these. I found myself praying for my DH BM quite a few times that she will let her anger go for the sake of her children. Cuz at the end of the day, thats really all she's hurting. My DH nor I could get a flying f*ck about what she says or does, but her babies surely do. And the example she is setting for them will soon come to bite her in the azz.

[gemmani]

My thoughts exactly. I don't want my skids to dislike their mom (even though they already do). I know they'll realize by themselves, but I want to make sure I have nothing to do with them coming to that conclusion. My SD is 6, and I've known the kids since they were 4, 2, and 9 -10 months. They are 6, 4, and 2 now.

Each week, when its time to take them back to BM, we have to hear about how they don't like their mom, she's mean, can't we just stay with you and daddy, etc. EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY. Yesterday, they asked me why they can't just come with us to work during the week instead of going back to BM's. I told them why, and they started begging, telling me that they can stay at home and how they promise to be good. The six year old even volunteered to babysit the other two while we go to work! Is THAT not the saddest thing ever?? Is it no wonder I dislike BM? What 6 and 4 year old do you know of that doesn't like mommy??? What are you doing that your own YOUNG children say that about you? It sickens me.

[jaylady999]

trust me, i know exactly what you mean. and i know what you mean when you say that you dont want your stepkids not liking their mother. and its not even really for her sake, but for the sake of DH. I certainly dont want my DH kids not liking their mother becuz they are HIS kids, not becuz they are HERS. it is one of those things that you definitely have to live to really be able to fully understand.

thats why i was so offended by the way the original poster of this thread that you posted here was coming across. i be d**n if i blame my BD for the twisted mind of his BM. I just refuse to do it. like i said, i cant speak on what happened between them before me, all i have to go on is what i see with my own eyes and i base my thinking on that. any mother that cannot love their children MORE than they so called HATE their BD is less than a mother to me. its what we are born to do, protect our kids from the garbage that goes on in the world, not add to it

[gemmani]

Not to mention the emotional problems it causes later on in life. These kids are in the prime development ages, and now more than ever they need good role models. Plus, I swear on everything, they are the CUTEST kids, and you just don't want to see them all messed up, you know?

***Completely Off Topic*****
Yesterday we were showing the kids home movies of when they were younger. The 2 year old saw herself as a baby and had a FIT. All she could say was, "My hair! Look at my hair! I look crazy!!" (She had this curly powder puff of hair) She immediately dragged me in the bathroom to fix her hair, lol. And the 6 year old was so embarrased, she kept saying why am I saying that? Why am I acting like that, Oh this is so embarrassing. I'm acting like a little kid! I just about died laughing!

[lovejones08]

Well, I'm certainly happy that Coolbro has a BM that he can control and instead of going back-n-fourth with you on this topic I'd rather switch BM's with you since you're like the Dog Whisper of BMs....LOL!!!! I feel that!!! My DH has tried everything from calmly discussing the situation with her like an adult about the issues and what he will not tolerate, yelling her head at her out of anger about something she did, staying away from her completely and sometimes it looks like he just wants to knock her head off for putting his child through this emotional bull......Yes, I agree you should stand up to BM and as a man in a new relationship you should make that as clear as possible to his BM; however, at the end of the day some women take heed to a man's court threats and others take their chances on being fools.

Honestly, I do get upset to see my husband get frustrated sometimes over this nonsense because we are one so I feel what he feels and BM tries to test me at times; however, his BM is going to do whatever the heck she wants to do and behave however she sees fit to cause havoc and unfortunately in my case her nonsense is on the expense of his child. So Sad!!

He has been through the court thing and the rights for men forreal is bull unless the woman is on drugs or living in horrible conditions. My DH's BM has lied repeatedly on him about so many matters and it's ridiculous but she is now digging herself in a big hole because her daughter would rather be with her daddy and her stepmom and people are starting to see through that little innocent act and seeing what she is really doing and what she's really about. It's all coming to the light. My husband let go and let God and that has been working more than anything.

As far as I'm concerned my DH's BM tried me twiced and almost got the business but thanks to my husband and a friend being there reminding me that wasting everything that I worked hard for on her was a negative I realized that she wanted me to snap on her so that she could have something to retaliate with and it's only to get at my husband. I won't let her win that battle so it's all good. Again, I am happy that not all BMs are plum fools; however, coolbro there are a whole lot of them who are regardless of what the men do.

[jaylady999]

Aug 12, 2008 22:53:26 GMT -5 lovejones08 said:

Again, I am happy that not all BMs are plum fools; however, coolbro there are a whole lot of them who are regardless of what the men do.

and this last statement was my only point with the original post. but if nothing else it really does bring together the girlfriends/fiances/wives of this board to make our point even more solid. for the most part, these BM are bitter women who have issue with moving on with their lives.